Haven’t felt so low before

[Nicash]

I really haven’t felt this low in quite some time. It’s been 10 months since my boyfriend died and I can’t even find the words to explain how I feel. I saw a medium yesterday and that brought me much comfort in certain areas. But really, I don’t know what the point of anything is anymore. My memory is shot... I’m pretty sure I have some form of PTSD from the way the events of his death played out and the fact I found him dead. I’m just miserable and there isn’t anything anyone can say or do to change that. I’m very angry again. It’s like I haven’t even begun to realize he truly is gone. I just can’t wrap my head around it still. He gives me signs all the time which comforts me but also makes me sad. I have dreams about him not really being dead, but I don’t actually get to see him, or when I do he plays it off like I’m crazy for thinking he died and he acts like he doesn’t know me. Im just exhausted. The stress of everything in my life is a lot to handle, not just his death. I don’t want to go into details because it’s very personal, but I have had one hell of a year. I haven’t had the greatest or happiest life. And I was happy. But that was taken from me. So what is so great about living such a mundane life hat will continue to be filled with sadness and death ? 

[Sunflower2]

I would love to eloquently put into words that what you are experiencing is natural and real.  It is the many faces of grief.  I'm not quite 6 months into my loss.  There are many that will support us especially those who have walked before us with this loss of such magnitude. They understand.   Grief has so many prongs.  Their intertwined.  They visit us only to return at another moment.  One moment we feel we are soaring the next moment we are curled up in a ball.  There is the pain in the  loss.  There is the pain in the loneliness when we begin to emotionally realize that our partners are really gone and we are alone.  Scary and unsettling thoughts but natural and real! With a loss there definitely is a form of PTSD.  Grief is our journey.  It is the journey we travel alone. Our loved one is not with us physically on this journey. Being left behind brings many different levels of anger.  There is support out there for you. Its not the return of your love one but there is support.   Moments of joy do return as you have experienced. Grief is vey exhausting!  Physically and emotionally draining.  It doesn't feel possible but we do move forward...slowly and painfully but we do move forward.  

[Nicash]

46 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

I would love to eloquently put into words that what you are experiencing is natural and real.  It is the many faces of grief.  I'm not quite 6 months into my loss.  There are many that will support us especially those who have walked before us with this loss of such magnitude. They understand.   Grief has so many prongs.  Their intertwined.  They visit us only to return at another moment.  One moment we feel we are soaring the next moment we are curled up in a ball.  There is the pain in the  loss.  There is the pain in the loneliness when we begin to emotionally realize that our partners are really gone and we are alone.  Scary and unsettling thoughts but natural and real! With a loss there definitely is a form of PTSD.  Grief is our journey.  It is the journey we travel alone. Our loved one is not with us physically on this journey. Being left behind brings many different levels of anger.  There is support out there for you. Its not the return of your love one but there is support.   Moments of joy do return as you have experienced. Grief is vey exhausting!  Physically and emotionally draining.  It doesn't feel possible but we do move forward...slowly and painfully but we do move forward.  

Yeah, it is physically and emotionally draining. I’m sick of it. I feel pretty alone but that’s fine. No one really understands and no one really can 

[KayC]

We do.  We may all have unique situations and relationships, but we've all experienced the loss of our partner here, and oh man can we relate when someone talks about what they're going through!  Those who have not been through it cannot possibly get it.  And thank God they HAVEN'T been through it, I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

[floyd11554]

Well said Kayc, I wouldn't bestow this pain and anguish on my worst enemy.  I wish I had words to comfort you nicoleashley94.   I am still too early in the process myself to still comprehend the later stages that you are all at and are experiencing.  All I can be is a listening ear and try to share and help anyway I can.  This forum has been more comforting than 95% of the people in my daily life.  

[KayC]

Yes it has.  When I found a grief forum after George died, it literally saved me.  I don't know how I could have coped without it.  

 

[lovingstill]

I am so sorry. I get to this place sometimes - it's exactly four months for me today. I miss him more every day, and I'm looking forward to a distant reunion with it.

I also echo what KayC says. Without this forum, I wouldn't be here.

[Nicash]

I’m sorry all, I didn’t mean no one understands how I feel. I meant more so that no one could possibly understand the situation we were in and the circumstances surrounding it. Our relationship was private and therefore the support and understanding I had in the beginning and currently have is pretty nonexistent. I can’t even reminisce with anyone else in my life, because no one knew how much we loved each other. And it’s like too late now. How can I explain everything good that we shared between just us two, and try to help someone understand how close we were, and also explain how much pain that brings me now that he’s gone? I don’t know. It’s just different and very isolating. And heartbreaking. 

[Nicash]

My counselor also told me it’s very clear I’m still in the bargaining stage. Oh boy.. I didn’t think I was still there. This is a long road with no end ..

[KayC]

5 minutes ago, nicoleashley94 said:

This is a long road with no end ..

It is indeed.  The moment he died changed everything forever.  I was just telling my sister last night that the time he's been gone has been almost double the time I knew him...that seems weird, and yet I miss and love him even more.  I'm so glad I have him in my life, I'm so glad I knew his love.  It carries me, it has to, it was once in a lifetime kind.  

NicoleAshley, I'm sorry others didn't see and know your love, at least my family got to see it and our church, although so many people in our church are gone now (died) and new people who never knew him.  That's hard, when life moves on so much and you're left alone with your thoughts and feelings.

[Nicash]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It is indeed.  The moment he died changed everything forever.  I was just telling my sister last night that the time he's been gone has been almost double the time I knew him...that seems weird, and yet I miss and love him even more.  I'm so glad I have him in my life, I'm so glad I knew his love.  It carries me, it has to, it was once in a lifetime kind.  

NicoleAshley, I'm sorry others didn't see and know your love, at least my family got to see it and our church, although so many people in our church are gone now (died) and new people who never knew him.  That's hard, when life moves on so much and you're left alone with your thoughts and feelings.

Yeah it is hard. Harder than hard. It makes me feel alien. 

I feel the same- a once in a lifetime love.

[Michelene]

I feel that alien sense, too. That I am not fully in the world. I felt very exposed in the first few weeks, now I think I have pushed it from my mind, but it's still there during the quiet times. If I am having a terrible day (like today) I keep separate a reward time in which I will retire to our bedroom and just talk to him. I do things but there is no point to them. I don't see the point. 

There are times when I am just overwhelmed with the joy that knowing him, and him sharing his life with me gave and gives me still. Other times I feel so bereft. Because my husband and I worked in a different state that he grew up in many at the memorial service had never met me, and told me they thought my husband would never get married. I forced myself to stand up and speak at his memorial service because I felt, they don't know, they don't know what joy he gave me, so I must say something. We were very private people, so it was hard, but I felt I had to honor my husband by speaking to the joy he gave me. 

Ultimately, I feel alone in this--I know people understand, here, too well, but the relationship between yourself and your partner was between you two. That's how I feel. It's between us, and it will always be between us. That part will NEVER re-integrate with the world. 

It is hard, though, without him here to validate what I feel. And that makes me question it sometimes, did he feel the same joy I felt? It made me so happy just to SEE him. Everytime. I can only hope he felt the same way. 

I am keeping this crazy journal, with clipping s and rantings, and pictures, and bible verses and drawings--it looks insane. I haven't gone back and re-read any of it. rage shock grief, sorrow, joy, stupid stuff I want to tell him, it is crazy looking just from the outside of it. It won't shut any more, but I am telling myself I will reread it on the anniversary of the day he passed next year.

Sorry--this is all over the place. Other people on this site seem so focused and stick to the topic. My "low" ness is becoming more real. I'm not even 4 months in, and it gets realler all the time. What a long long road ahead. It will never be as wonderful as when he was here with me.  I don't know how you stand it, KayC. What's that line from Brokeback Mountain? "If you can't fix it, you gots to stand it." I guess that's where I am: standing it. 

 

[KayC]

I just realized I used present tense instead of past tense 

On 3/19/2018 at 5:27 AM, KayC said:

I'm so glad I have him in my life

Present, past, it's all sort of mixed up, isn't it.
 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Michelene said:

I don't know how you stand it, KayC. What's that line from Brokeback Mountain? "If you can't fix it, you gots to stand it." I guess that's where I am: standing it. 

I look back over my life, people often tell me "I don't see how you did it" (losing husband, super long commute, shoveling show & hauling wood, etc.) and honestly, I look back and don't know how either except you just do what you have to do.  Now my daughter is going through hard places (crumb-bum husband left her again) and also having to "stand"...I wish for her anything but this!  They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, I don't know about that, but I wish only for strength to get through this day...then I get up and do it all over again.  I don't know how else to do it.

[Nicash]

13 hours ago, Michelene said:

I feel that alien sense, too. That I am not fully in the world. I felt very exposed in the first few weeks, now I think I have pushed it from my mind, but it's still there during the quiet times. If I am having a terrible day (like today) I keep separate a reward time in which I will retire to our bedroom and just talk to him. I do things but there is no point to them. I don't see the point. 

There are times when I am just overwhelmed with the joy that knowing him, and him sharing his life with me gave and gives me still. Other times I feel so bereft. Because my husband and I worked in a different state that he grew up in many at the memorial service had never met me, and told me they thought my husband would never get married. I forced myself to stand up and speak at his memorial service because I felt, they don't know, they don't know what joy he gave me, so I must say something. We were very private people, so it was hard, but I felt I had to honor my husband by speaking to the joy he gave me. 

Ultimately, I feel alone in this--I know people understand, here, too well, but the relationship between yourself and your partner was between you two. That's how I feel. It's between us, and it will always be between us. That part will NEVER re-integrate with the world. 

It is hard, though, without him here to validate what I feel. And that makes me question it sometimes, did he feel the same joy I felt? It made me so happy just to SEE him. Everytime. I can only hope he felt the same way. 

I am keeping this crazy journal, with clipping s and rantings, and pictures, and bible verses and drawings--it looks insane. I haven't gone back and re-read any of it. rage shock grief, sorrow, joy, stupid stuff I want to tell him, it is crazy looking just from the outside of it. It won't shut any more, but I am telling myself I will reread it on the anniversary of the day he passed next year.

Sorry--this is all over the place. Other people on this site seem so focused and stick to the topic. My "low" ness is becoming more real. I'm not even 4 months in, and it gets realler all the time. What a long long road ahead. It will never be as wonderful as when he was here with me.  I don't know how you stand it, KayC. What's that line from Brokeback Mountain? "If you can't fix it, you gots to stand it." I guess that's where I am: standing it. 

 

It’s okay that your thoughts aren’t uniform, mine often are not either. That’s normal for how clouded our brains are. 

I feel a lot of the ways you feel, especially not seeing a point. I too wonder if my boyfriend felt equally for me As I did for him, and I know that’s an irrational thought because I know he loved me dearly. I too kept a journal in the beginning and it was just everything I felt and everything I thought. I have not written in a long time, like six months. And I have not gone back and read anything I’ve written either. But you did just give me an idea to delve into those and read them. 

[June]

Getting close to 9 months for me and it all still feels like it happened last week.  

I stay busy with my sister and her family; and my friends at the Lodge.  I've taken on more responsibilities there to keep busy.  

I talk about Jerry - a lot.  I show our friends there pictures I've come across of him and us together.  They didn't know us back before Parkinson's became such a big part of our lives.  I'm glad they all express that they wish they had known him before that.  

I get into moods and want to be alone.  I look at the picture video from his funeral service.  I listen to voice mail recordings of his voice on my cell phone.  They're short - those from 6 years ago when his voice was strong and I could understand him; and then those from just a few months before he left me when his voice was low and so garbled.  He didn't have reason to call me much in the last year because I was with him almost all the time.  On a few he ended the call with "I love you"  I cherish those.  

I worry that something will happen to my phone and I'll lose his voice  
 

[LoveD]

49 minutes ago, June said:

Getting close to 10 months for me and it all still feels like it happened last week.  

I stay busy with my sister and her family; and my friends at the Lodge.  I've taken on more responsibilities there to keep busy.  

I talk about Jerry - a lot.  I show our friends there pictures I've come across of him and us together.  They didn't know us back before Parkinson's became such a big part of our lives.  I'm glad they all express that they wish they had known him before that.  

I get into moods and want to be alone.  I look at the picture video from his funeral service.  I listen to voice mail recordings of his voice on my cell phone.  They're short - those from 6 years ago when his voice was strong and I could understand him; and then those from just a few months before he left me when his voice was low and so garbled.  He didn't have reason to call me much in the last year because I was with him almost all the time.  On a few he ended the call with "I love you"  I cherish those.  

I worry that something will happen to my phone and I'll lose his voice  
 

You can save it in your drive in the cloud or upload it to your computer to save.  I did this for my husband's.

[June]

8 hours ago, LoveD said:

You can save it in your drive in the cloud or upload it to your computer to save.  I did this for my husband's.

I looked up some software today to do this.  

I miss his voice  

[KayC]

We were just talking about this on my other grief forum today, only there everyone seemed of the consensus that it's too painful to go back and read our journals from that time.  I think I got rid of mine.  But the tape of his service, I will never get rid of that.

I'm with you June, I miss my George's voice too.  I can still hear it in my mind.  I remember the first time I heard it.

[Nicash]

On 3/20/2018 at 1:37 PM, June said:

Getting close to 10 months for me and it all still feels like it happened last week.  

I stay busy with my sister and her family; and my friends at the Lodge.  I've taken on more responsibilities there to keep busy.  

I talk about Jerry - a lot.  I show our friends there pictures I've come across of him and us together.  They didn't know us back before Parkinson's became such a big part of our lives.  I'm glad they all express that they wish they had known him before that.  

I get into moods and want to be alone.  I look at the picture video from his funeral service.  I listen to voice mail recordings of his voice on my cell phone.  They're short - those from 6 years ago when his voice was strong and I could understand him; and then those from just a few months before he left me when his voice was low and so garbled.  He didn't have reason to call me much in the last year because I was with him almost all the time.  On a few he ended the call with "I love you"  I cherish those.  

I worry that something will happen to my phone and I'll lose his voice  
 

I understand the fear of losing voicemails, memories, etc. I am sooo worried of losing the voicemail I have. It deleted off of my phone and luckily I had it uploaded to my emails multiple times. 

[KayC]

Yeah, I remember when I discovered it gone from the cellphone, and again when his voice disappeared off my landline answering machine.  I was devastated.  Fortunately, I remember his voice, oh so well.  I miss it.

[KavitaHubby]

The fact is some memories will fade and some will remain active. I use to listen to her voice a lot in beginning but now rarely. Use to go thru her pics everyday for hours but not anymore. The thing I have noticed is that we have to live as much as it is destined. I am year and half out and don't cry or do same crazy things as earlier but still miss her and sometimes very strong feeling of us but rarely cry after that. As we move forward in this journey either we will become strong or learn to cope with our feelings or will get busy with other stuff but live will keep moving. So hold on and keep moving one day at a time it will get better. We will not be same ever but we will get somewhere.

Peace.

Manoj

[Sunflower2]

4 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

The fact is some memories will fade and some will remain active. I use to listen to her voice a lot in beginning but now rarely. Use to go thru her pics everyday for hours but not anymore. The thing I have noticed is that we have to live as much as it is destined. I am year and half out and don't cry or do same crazy things as earlier but still miss her and sometimes very strong feeling of us but rarely cry after that. As we move forward in this journey either we will become strong or learn to cope with our feelings or will get busy with other stuff but live will keep moving. So hold on and keep moving one day at a time it will get better. We will not be same ever but we will get somewhere.

Peace.

Manoj

need to keep hearing it will get better...I understand different but hopefully some diminishing of these intense extreme emotional swings. The last 3 days were rough.  Felt anger toward those that just don't get it.  Anger at everything.  sometimes it feels so hard to keep up even with simple things. Jealousy toward couples who continue with life. I remember being one of those couples not understanding the complexities of devastation grief brings.  Never in my wildest dreams could I have understood this until I experienced it.  Jealousy IS NOT an emotion/feeling that I'm use to experiencing!!!! shocking the feelings grief can create. I know people want to help but seriously what can they do.  They can't "fix" it.  They can't bring Wayne back and they can't replace Wayne.  I actually was told "when you get better we can go have fun."  I didn't know I was sick!  I'm shocked how our culture doesn't understand grief. I'm shocked how I didn't understand grief!!!!!

[KayC]

Grief isn't something we get over, but something we learn to adjust to, cope with, carry with us.  You're right "I didn't know I was sick!".  It could be a while before you feel like "having fun".  I don't know that a person can possibly understand grief unless they've experienced it.

[KavitaHubby]

I didn't know I was sick! 

They don't understand and can't understand even they try. Most of the time they become speechless. You cannot find people to talk to about your grief. That's why sometimes I tell others to find friends in similar situation or who have gone thru this and chat it will definitely help. If someone wants to talk please PM i will ensure I am available as if we can help each other in this journey it might become little easier as we have to walk the whole path might as well use a friend to guide or hold us.

 

Peace 
Manoj

[Lisaislost]

I’m getting resentful of all the people at the funeral who said I’ll check in with you and see if you need anything. Needless to say... crickets ! I get it, it’s hard to talk to someone who is feeling such loss but I’ve said this before. A simple note, thinking of you! A phone call message saying the same thing. I work all day, call my house phone. 

I teach and my co workers are wonderful. I can tell stories about my husband or cry when a car breaks down. They don’t try to say anything “like you’ll get over it” they just listen. 

Its my husband’s friends that I’m disappointed in . I get it but i can also be selfish because I’m the one who lost my husband. It also gets me thinking that maybe they’ve forgotten him!!

[Tineke H]

On 28/3/2018 at 9:06 AM, Sunflower2 said:

I know people want to help but seriously what can they do.  They can't "fix" it.  They can't bring Wayne back and they can't replace Wayne.  I actually was told "when you get better we can go have fun."  I didn't know I was sick!  I'm shocked how our culture doesn't understand grief. I'm shocked how I didn't understand grief!!!!!

Hi Sunflower,It is almost laughable :'When you get better'.....If only it wasn't so sad.Sad that people have no idea what we are going through and they have no idea how sad we actually are.Most people are good and would like to help us, but they just do not know how.They feel awkward, they don't know what to say and they certainly do not want to see us cry.I still cry in front of people and I do not care about it any more.It is what it is and if I need to cry, I will.The world needs to be educated about grief, but who is going to do that?.Maybe we as grievers can all do our little bit.

Lisa,if you don't hear from your husband's friends it could be for various reasons, but I don't think they have forgotten him.Again ,I think it is because they feel awkward, they don't know what to say, what to do.And if they are male, that does not help.Most men I know , are not talkers.They are doers.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

I didn't know I was sick! 

They don't understand and can't understand even they try. Most of the time they become speechless. You cannot find people to talk to about your grief. That's why sometimes I tell others to find friends in similar situation or who have gone thru this and chat it will definitely help. If someone wants to talk please PM i will ensure I am available as if we can help each other in this journey it might become little easier as we have to walk the whole path might as well use a friend to guide or hold us.

 

Peace 
Manoj

Print this out for them:
http://emilyrlong.com/how-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving/ 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I’m getting resentful of all the people at the funeral who said I’ll check in with you and see if you need anything. Needless to say... crickets ! I get it, it’s hard to talk to someone who is feeling such loss but I’ve said this before. A simple note, thinking of you! A phone call message saying the same thing. I work all day, call my house phone. 

I teach and my co workers are wonderful. I can tell stories about my husband or cry when a car breaks down. They don’t try to say anything “like you’ll get over it” they just listen. 

Its my husband’s friends that I’m disappointed in . I get it but i can also be selfish because I’m the one who lost my husband. It also gets me thinking that maybe they’ve forgotten him!!

ALL of our friends disappeared after George's funeral, my two best friends even before that!  I remember calling the woman in a couple we'd been friends with and needing to talk and she brushed me off, said she'd call back, never did.  Fast forward a few years...she passed away and her husband had the nerve to call ME!  I hadn't heard from him since George died!  It was hard, but I talked to him, but then he hit on me so I was done with that!

[Lisaislost]

That's awful. Someone at my grief said maybe if they are single, they might feel funny reaching out to you. Seriously, the last thing on my mind is a new relationship. 

[Michelene]

On 3/15/2018 at 5:11 AM, Sunflower2 said:

  Grief is our journey.  It is the journey we travel alone. Our loved one is not with us physically on this journey. Being left behind brings many different levels of anger.  

yes, our own journey--but I want to bring him along with me--I feel like it makes us grow apart, that I am grieving and he is doing whatever he is doing. I don't want to grow apart. I want to grow together. 

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, Michelene said:

yes, our own journey--but I want to bring him along with me--I feel like it makes us grow apart, that I am grieving and he is doing whatever he is doing. I don't want to grow apart. I want to grow together. 

I understand!  This week has been rough other that the lighter feeling of shock I can say the loss is intense as it was the weeks following Wayne's death.  I don't understand it.  I do NOT want to be here without him.  I can't imagine life without him.  I'm trying to find ways to keep him with me!  I'm feeling as you posted.  I'm feeling that time is separating us and we are growing apart.  I didn't have a way of expressing that until I read your post.  He left 6 months ago on the 24th of this month. I didn't feel this growing apart until now.  I don't understand these feelings.  Memories are not enough.  I haven't had the energy to decide on a way to carry his ashes with me.  I just moved them on the nightstand next to my bed.  I'm thinking the change of seasons may be a big trigger.  Summer was that time for all the outdoor fun to begin.  The winter I could curl up and isolate.  I can't even think of creating a new life........without him.  I try.  Maybe its too soon.

[Sunflower2]

this week has been probably the worse since Wayne's death. You hear this is grief but I guess I'm again shocked at this surge of intense ongoing minute by minute overpowering sense of loss.  As each month comes and goes I actually panic.  It is another month that he is gone. another month I have no idea who I am or where I'm going or where I'll end up.  That thought is shocking and paralyzing.  This week has been an ongoing pervasive feeling of depression and the first time since he died the feeling of feeling crazy.  I've heard many mention this in group but I didn't understand that simply because I hadn't felt it.  I understood this as part of grief but I just thought it must not be something I'd have to tackle. I try to make plans for the future or even for tomorrow and I can't.   I did schedule a mini vacation for June 28-1st and a walk/run event for July 22nd.  The walk/run event my girlfriend set up and the mini vacation I set up when I was in a mood that everything was going to be ok.  The mini is in a safe place and I have the freedom to cancel out without losing my deposit.   with self care they encourage eat, sleep and exercise.  In a pre death life this wasn't difficult to tackle.  In grief it can be insurmountable. I tried to do my walk yesterday yet I could barely drag myself out of the house.  I was so physically exhausted from crying and dealing with all the emotions.  I managed a short slow walk but that didn't help. I don't feel it helped as it usually does but I'm going to accept that at least I moved.  I haven't even experienced pops of joy in 6 days!!!!!!   I do feel I'm beginning to feel how shattered I am and how shattered my life as I knew it is gone.  I'm grieving Wayne. I'm grieving our life together and I'm now grieving the loss of me as I knew me. Losing me brings another surge of anger at everyone.  Unimaginable how in a split second your life as you knew it is gone!!!!!!!!!  I felt I was gaining some momentum in this journey by experiencing some joy and laughter but now I'm back to feeling my skin is torn off and I'm raw and exposed and of course so fragile and vulnerable.  

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

That's awful. Someone at my grief said maybe if they are single, they might feel funny reaching out to you. Seriously, the last thing on my mind is a new relationship. 

Nope, they were married.

[KayC]

Sunflower,

I've heard it said that six months is the hardest time, because that's when everyone has gone back to their lives (didn't take my everyone that long) and reality has set in.  I felt the shock of reality in the beginning, facing going to bed alone, their never coming in the door or calling on the phone, food you bought for them they'll never get to taste, etc.  But the difference being, in the early time we were in shock, we had grief fog and even though it kept us from thinking with clarity, it also protected us somewhat from the harsh reality.  Little by little that protection leaves and we're left with the harsh reality.  

Hang in there, it takes much time to process the grief, much much time for it to sink in, for us to learn to deal with it, to adjust, to learn to cope...took me probably three years, everyone is different, it's not just passage of time alone but what we do with it, it does help to take an active role in our grief...get counseling, read books and articles, journal, cry, all of it.  I even did art therapy, that helped a lot with perspective and goals.

[Sunflower2]

9 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sunflower,

I've heard it said that six months is the hardest time, because that's when everyone has gone back to their lives (didn't take my everyone that long) and reality has set in.  I felt the shock of reality in the beginning, facing going to bed alone, their never coming in the door or calling on the phone, food you bought for them they'll never get to taste, etc.  But the difference being, in the early time we were in shock, we had grief fog and even though it kept us from thinking with clarity, it also protected us somewhat from the harsh reality.  Little by little that protection leaves and we're left with the harsh reality.  

Hang in there, it takes much time to process the grief, much much time for it to sink in, for us to learn to deal with it, to adjust, to learn to cope...took me probably three years, everyone is different, it's not just passage of time alone but what we do with it, it does help to take an active role in our grief...get counseling, read books and articles, journal, cry, all of it.  I even did art therapy, that helped a lot with perspective and goals.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  doing most of what you are suggesting yet you are providing more insight and reality about the process.!!! Art therapy sounds interesting.  That's what it feels like...protection gone from the grief fog and now its the rawness.  harsh reality is hitting and there's no place to run and hide from it.  That is a good thing.  I'm not running.  Thank you again for this encouragement xo

[KayC]

You're so welcome!  It might take a few phone calls to find a grief counselor that does art therapy, but I found it helpful.

[Azipod]

On 3/15/2018 at 5:38 AM, nicoleashley94 said:

I really haven’t felt this low in quite some time. It’s been 10 months since my boyfriend died and I can’t even find the words to explain how I feel. I saw a medium yesterday and that brought me much comfort in certain areas. But really, I don’t know what the point of anything is anymore. My memory is shot... I’m pretty sure I have some form of PTSD from the way the events of his death played out and the fact I found him dead. I’m just miserable and there isn’t anything anyone can say or do to change that. I’m very angry again. It’s like I haven’t even begun to realize he truly is gone. I just can’t wrap my head around it still. He gives me signs all the time which comforts me but also makes me sad. I have dreams about him not really being dead, but I don’t actually get to see him, or when I do he plays it off like I’m crazy for thinking he died and he acts like he doesn’t know me. Im just exhausted. The stress of everything in my life is a lot to handle, not just his death. I don’t want to go into details because it’s very personal, but I have had one hell of a year. I haven’t had the greatest or happiest life. And I was happy. But that was taken from me. So what is so great about living such a mundane life hat will continue to be filled with sadness and death ? 

Hi NicoleAshley94,

Just got through 9 months for me and all I can say is that these months we are counting is really nothing.  Our grief evolves over time but from one month to the next, are really small changes when we look at the larger picture.   For myself, I think it will take several years to get to any significant change, if even at all.  All of our losses are so profound with it touching each of us in very unique ways.   The pain and sadness has been branded in our hearts and it's something that we will carry for the rest of our life.

I'm glad that you were able to get some comfort by seeing a Medium. I am a true believer and I'm glad you've been able to get some comfort in certain areas of your grief from that.

Yes, everyday is mundane.  All we do is exist through each day.....  Speaking for myself, I'm existing just to exist.   I do what I do to make it through the current moment in my life.   Gone are the desires to look forward to anything else.

[Nicash]

22 hours ago, Azipod said:

Hi NicoleAshley94,

Just got through 9 months for me and all I can say is that these months we are counting is really nothing.  Our grief evolves over time but from one month to the next, are really small changes when we look at the larger picture.   For myself, I think it will take several years to get to any significant change, if even at all.  All of our losses are so profound with it touching each of us in very unique ways.   The pain and sadness has been branded in our hearts and it's something that we will carry for the rest of our life.

I'm glad that you were able to get some comfort by seeing a Medium. I am a true believer and I'm glad you've been able to get some comfort in certain areas of your grief from that.

Yes, everyday is mundane.  All we do is exist through each day.....  Speaking for myself, I'm existing just to exist.   I do what I do to make it through the current moment in my life.   Gone are the desires to look forward to anything else.

Thank you for your response. You’re right. Months are small compared to the bigger picture. This is heartbreaking to me. 

I loved the medium and id be interested to go again later on down the road and see how the two readings differ. 

I’m sorry you’ve lost your desire and are just existing. I feel the same way and it’s depressing.