Lost my mother, now her sister wants to "take some things"

[pango]

My mother died this January. The two of us lived alone.

Recently my mother's sister (my aunt, obviously) got in touch asking if she could come over and take some of my mother's things to remind her of her.

I don't think there had been any contact between my mother and my aunt for quite a few years now. I don't think there was any bad feeling but my mother was a fairly private person, bad at keeping in touch and her family lived on the other side of the country.

The problem I have is that this feels like a huge violation to me. I tried to put myself in my aunt's shoes: if my brother or sister died would I phone up the people they lived with and be like "hey can I come and take some of my brother/sister's stuff to remind me of them" ? Heck, no way. I would feel like a thief.

At a time when I'm grieving a lot anyway I really don't feel I can cope with my aunt coming over and rummaging through my mother's stuff like she's at a jumble sale.

Am I being unreasonable do you think?

[tessa]

I see both sides of the picture, it depends on the person. My sister was quick to start cleaning out my mother's room while I just couldn't bare to touch anything.
How about asking your aunt if she could wait awhile. Tell her it's still so fresh would she mind just waiting some months cos you don't want to touch your mother's things just yet.
We waited 6 months.

[sadandlost]

Dear Pango,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Its so very recent and painfully raw.  I agree with Tessa.  Ask her to wait.  I understand her wanting a few things but its too soon.  I think a few months when it is less raw, less of a shock for you, you could contact her.  6 months is fair I think.  Be sure to keep the special things you want for yourself and put them away before that day comes for her visit.  So sorry for your loss.

[reader]

Dear Pango,

I know its a difficult time and grief takes its toll.

You are being perfectly reasonable. I would even ask your aunt what it is she would like to remember your mom by? It is a specific jewellery or photo albums, it might help to see if she wanted something that might have belonged your grandmother.

But I have to agree with Tessa and sadandlost, I would ask her to wait. Do what you feel comfortable. My one sister wanted my father's watch so I let her have that right away. The rest didn't even want anything in a way that hurt me too.

Take your time. Because you don't to give her something that might lead to any anger or resentment.

Take care. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

[pango]

Thanks for all the replies. In the end I did ask her to wait until later this year.

[memyselfandi]

On 3/13/2018 at 10:18 AM, pango said:

My mother died this January. The two of us lived alone.

Recently my mother's sister (my aunt, obviously) got in touch asking if she could come over and take some of my mother's things to remind her of her.

I don't think there had been any contact between my mother and my aunt for quite a few years now. I don't think there was any bad feeling but my mother was a fairly private person, bad at keeping in touch and her family lived on the other side of the country.

The problem I have is that this feels like a huge violation to me. I tried to put myself in my aunt's shoes: if my brother or sister died would I phone up the people they lived with and be like "hey can I come and take some of my brother/sister's stuff to remind me of them" ? Heck, no way. I would feel like a thief.

At a time when I'm grieving a lot anyway I really don't feel I can cope with my aunt coming over and rummaging through my mother's stuff like she's at a jumble sale.

Am I being unreasonable do you think?

You ABSOLUTELY have the right to feel violated. As your mom and her sister weren't close, I think it's up to you what you decide to give her. She has no right to come over and take things that might remind her of your mom.

In your position, I would tell her that's it's a bit too soon and that when you take the time to go through things, you'd be happy to share some things with her that she might like. However, there's no way in heck that I'd let her just come in and take what she wants like it's a "jumble sale".

While you're grieving a bunch at this time..no way should you have to cope with your aunt coming over and rummaging through your mom's things...not now..and not later either!!

Stay strong girl..sending sympathies and hugs!!