Why go on?

[blackroses]

My husband died on Jan 28...it has been pure hell to move on,  but I did...and tonight I had a thought...I really thought about it and came to one conclusion...there really is no point...The love of my life is gone,   his kids have been great to talk on the phone with etc...and you really do find out who true friends are during something like this and who is just saying the words and not meaning them....

Its like just waiting to die...go thru the motions of living for what?   Go to work, home, feed the pets we had, feed myself...and after that?...whats the point of it all?..  I will die eventually,  so why go thru the motions every day when the end is the same anyways? Yes I realize I am probably depressed,  but it was him and I for years...we did it all together...loved, fought, had fun, everything...Who or why should I even bother doing it now?  Am I making any sense?

[KayC]

8 hours ago, blackroses said:

it has been pure hell to move on,  but I did

??  Not sure what you meant by this, it's been nearly 13 years for me and I haven't moved on, I don't think that's possible for me.  We're soulmates.

8 hours ago, blackroses said:

Go to work, home, feed the pets we had, feed myself...and after that?...whats the point of it all?

why should I even bother doing it now?

We keep going for ourselves because we have to, what choice do we have?  We have to eat, pay our bills, need heat, water, etc. so we go to work, come home.  I know it seems pointless, but what alternative is there?  And we keep going in the hopes it gets better.  And it does somewhat...but from another perspective, it is something we have to live with from here on out.  What I mean by that is, we adjust as well as we can, in time, and believe me, it takes years to do this, we get used to living alone, we build people and activities into our lives and that helps, but on the other hand, we have to live without them here with us like they were...they aren't here to hold us, to fix the car, to talk to (well, I talk to him anyway), and God knows that's sentence enough.  But I also live with the hope of being with him again, without which, I don't know what I'd do or how I could handle this.  That hope keeps me going. 

THIS is what I've learned on my twelve year journey:
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Ice Fire]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

 But I also live with the hope of being with him again, without which, I don't know what I'd do or how I could handle this.  That hope keeps me going. 

Although I'm not religious I am very spiritual.  I also believe I will be with my partner again.  And if I truly felt that that wouldn't happen I don't know I I could go on.

Not everyone has these beliefs or feels this way, so if everything else fails to give you a reason to keep going, ask yourself what your spouse would say.  What would YOU say to them if it was the other way around? 

My partner told me flat that he didn't want me to do anything to myself if he didn't make it.  And I know, when I really ask myself honestly, that he would want me to try to make whatever life I'm left with as comfortable as possible.

So I try.  Simply for no other reason than because he told me to, and I love him enough to listen.

Most days right now that's the only thing holding me up.  Sometimes it's enough. 

Quote

 

 

[Sunflower2]

The only thing I feel keeps me going is that Wayne would expect me to keep going.  I keep moving but wonder many days why am I doing this,  It helps knowing many share this grief and those that have walked in grief before me have become guides on this journey as we stumble and figure out our personal way of moving through this.  With pain there is joy.  in time you will feel joy but as others will share...its different.  Its good but different.

[blackroses]

"??  Not sure what you meant by this, it's been nearly 13 years for me and I haven't moved on, I don't think that's possible for me.  We're soulmates."

 

I meant, I did what I had to do...arrangements etc.... I did NOT mean meet someone etc...I took care of the arrangements, contacted the military,  his kids..etc...there will never be anyone but him period...

 

[KayC]

Oh, okay, wasn't sure what you mean by "move on" as there IS no moving on from this, grief continues, although it does evolve and does not stay the same.  Our grief journey is the rest of our lives.  We can learn how to live without them, but there is no moving on from this.  I have heard people say we need to move on, as if they expect us to be "over it", but continue is perhaps a more correct term because we do have to continue...it's just sometimes we aren't sure how to proceed.  I like how Darrel (olemisfit) puts it, "one foot in front of the other", yep, that pretty much says it! 

For those without belief of life continuing after death, life can feel rather hopeless as they believe life just ends and that's it, so they can feel despondency.  For them, this article seems the best one I've found, someone posted it here maybe a year ago:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ali-a-rizvi/atheists-death_b_4134439.html 

Also I encourage looking at videos of space, seeing how vast the universes, endless the planets, suns, stars...it encourages an openness to the possibilities and unknowns of just maybe what if...

[Michelene]

23 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

The only thing I feel keeps me going is that Wayne would expect me to keep going.  I keep moving but wonder many days why am I doing this,  It helps knowing many share this grief and those that have walked in grief before me have become guides on this journey as we stumble and figure out our personal way of moving through this.  With pain there is joy.  in time you will feel joy but as others will share...its different.  Its good but different.

I think that is why I keep going, although I repeatedly say out loud, I don't know why I am doing this...I don't see the point...but I do it anyway. Because he would expect me to. Just as I would expect him to. 

[Azipod]

On 3/8/2018 at 7:54 PM, blackroses said:

My husband died on Jan 28...it has been pure hell to move on,  but I did...and tonight I had a thought...I really thought about it and came to one conclusion...there really is no point...The love of my life is gone,   his kids have been great to talk on the phone with etc...and you really do find out who true friends are during something like this and who is just saying the words and not meaning them....

Its like just waiting to die...go thru the motions of living for what?   Go to work, home, feed the pets we had, feed myself...and after that?...whats the point of it all?..  I will die eventually,  so why go thru the motions every day when the end is the same anyways? Yes I realize I am probably depressed,  but it was him and I for years...we did it all together...loved, fought, had fun, everything...Who or why should I even bother doing it now?  Am I making any sense?

You absolutely mark sense.   I run those questions through my mind each day.   It's hard to see day light now.  But I know for a fact that I will be OK.  But that's not to say that it's not going to be a tough journey.  It's probably more tough than anything that I can imagine!     Although I would never end my life (it's against my spiritual beliefs), I would welcome death with open arms if it comes knocking at my door.     I do indeed believe that I will be with my wife again........ that's part of the reason why I'm so excited to go... naturally, of course.

[KayC]

@Azipod  Good to hear from you again, missed you!

[Azipod]

On 4/3/2018 at 9:01 AM, KayC said:

@Azipod  Good to hear from you again, missed you!

Same here, Kay. Been tied up doing some a few home improvement projects but they are all completed now.  Missed you too.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎4‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 12:27 AM, Azipod said:

Its like just waiting to die...go thru the motions of living for what?   Go to work, home, feed the pets we had, feed myself...and after that?...whats the point of it all?..  I will die eventually,  so why go thru the motions every day when the end is the same anyways? Yes I realize I am probably depressed,  but it was him and I for years...we did it all together...loved, fought, had fun, everything...Who or why should I even bother doing it now?  Am I making any sense?

Totally! 

[yuyu]

I also asked my self those questions. For now my answer is maybe I still have mission or purpose in life. We cannot decide to ourselves if its over or not that's not the answer on your questions. What I did is I list down some short term goal for myself this help me take off those thoughts. Just take your time I know its hard and its a process. We can make it all the way. 

[KayC]

It took me years to find purpose for my life, but we don't have to be in a hurry, we can take our time, it's a long process, that's for sure!

[Azipod]

Oh there is such a heavy delineation of what life was before, and what life is now.  I still cannot envision becoming a newer, richer, and  improved version of myself without her.

[KayC]

I think we do learn and grow through this, but not without them...they are very much with us and everything we become is because of them!

[Andy]

We don’t move on. Moving on implies somehow “getting over” this event. For myself, I move forward. Whatever that means is different for each of us, but regardless, this grief is part of us, it shapes us, for better or worse. I finally accepted its presence, I never ignore it, I manage it and acknowledge it. I give it what it needs and nothing more. I realized also that while my wife was no longer here with me, I was still alive. Why? I wasn’t sure, still not too sure, but here I am. Life was bleak, pointless, meaningless. My faith, my daughter, my unborn grandson, my parents, my few dear friends, and my ever lasting belief in possibilities, kept me moving. It’s all I could do. One year and 5 months. My world ended and my world began. My future died and was reborn. There is no “trade off”, no “it was meant to be”, for me, it’s merely “before and after”. A watershed event that came and changed life as I knew it, forever. 

My point is simply that I stopped looking for a “purpose”, some overriding definition of what my life was supposed to be. I had purpose beyond what I could see, as a father, son, grandfather, friend, and while those things seem trivial or minuscule when compared to my loss, they DO matter. And as time moves on (as it’s want to do), I found that life had other paths for me. I miss my wife, I will love her until my last breath and then it’ll continue into the hereafter, but while I’m here, I am alive, and I must find a way. I hope that anyone reading this finds a little glimmer of hope, if nothing else that you aren’t alone and not all is completely lost. It’s a long, everlasting road, this grief, but it can be navigated, it can be done. I’m here, I’m alive, I move forward. Always forward. 

Love and comfort, for all of you, for my friends and for those I haven’t met yet.

Andy

[Sunflower2]

12 hours ago, Andy said:

We don’t move on. Moving on implies somehow “getting over” this event. For myself, I move forward. Whatever that means is different for each of us, but regardless, this grief is part of us, it shapes us, for better or worse. I finally accepted its presence, I never ignore it, I manage it and acknowledge it. I give it what it needs and nothing more. I realized also that while my wife was no longer here with me, I was still alive. Why? I wasn’t sure, still not too sure, but here I am. Life was bleak, pointless, meaningless. My faith, my daughter, my unborn grandson, my parents, my few dear friends, and my ever lasting belief in possibilities, kept me moving. It’s all I could do. One year and 5 months. My world ended and my world began. My future died and was reborn. There is no “trade off”, no “it was meant to be”, for me, it’s merely “before and after”. A watershed event that came and changed life as I knew it, forever. 

My point is simply that I stopped looking for a “purpose”, some overriding definition of what my life was supposed to be. I had purpose beyond what I could see, as a father, son, grandfather, friend, and while those things seem trivial or minuscule when compared to my loss, they DO matter. And as time moves on (as it’s want to do), I found that life had other paths for me. I miss my wife, I will love her until my last breath and then it’ll continue into the hereafter, but while I’m here, I am alive, and I must find a way. I hope that anyone reading this finds a little glimmer of hope, if nothing else that you aren’t alone and not all is completely lost. It’s a long, everlasting road, this grief, but it can be navigated, it can be done. I’m here, I’m alive, I move forward. Always forward. 

Love and comfort, for all of you, for my friends and for those I haven’t met yet.

Andy

Andy thank you!  so powerful and comforting and encouraging!!!!  I'm printing this!!!! I believe in moving forward simply because I'm alive and if I stop...why would I stop!!!!  Moving forward with the loss and the pain.  The bad days are so unbearable at times but I give them just enough. Thank you!!!!!

[KayC]

I do not like or agree with the term of "moving on", it should not be in our vocabulary nor in anyone's for us!  I prefer using "continue..." because that's what it is for me, my life continues, and so does my memory of our life together even while I'm continuing to live!

Andy, so good to hear from you here, you were always so positive and inspiring, I've missed seeing you here.  There are many young people here and some of them have had discussion about the what ifs of dating, they can't imagine it but can't imagine living 50 years alone either...valuable input welcome!  We do have Autocharge who has found Carla and I'm rooting for them to make it.  Everyone has to proceed at their own time and pace and not all will choose the same, that's okay too.

[Andy]

@Sunflower2 

You are welcome, and I am indeed sorry for what you have and will continue to endure. I have found that the mere act of living, and not just existing, but being okay with being happy, or at least content, honors the life that my wife lived. She suffered greatly in many ways and the last thing she wanted was to pass away, leaving so much unfinished and unrealized. So I see this “continuation” as a testament to her gift of love, joy, and her never ending fight to overcome. Her life taught me a great deal, and her absence has also revealed many things to me, and after 24 years, 5 months, 20 days, 2 hours and 42 minutes, the bond I have with her is as real as it was the moment I fell in love with her. I will honor her, and as I move forward, she will be with me, teaching as she always has. 

@KayC

Thank you KayC, I’ve missed you and the many wonderful people I had grown close to, here on this forum. It’s not always easy staying immersed in the grief of so much loss, my own being difficult enough to navigate. I will try to stay a bit more visible and accessible, but as we both know, life leads us in unexpected directions.

The whole dating thing is such a deeply personal thing, only we, as individuals, can assess our need for companionship as a widow/widower. There is no one answer for us, generally speaking, it’s so specific in that so many unique (to ourselves) factors play a part. I’d be happy to discuss that, or anything, if anyone feels the need. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

[Sunflower2]

@Andy I'm following and understanding!  I re-read your post this morning....so so comforting and powerful!  yes grief takes us in different directions.  My one encounter with your wisdom may be the one post you recently share.  I am carrying those words and thoughts with me.   That may be all I receive from you but the seeds you planted will bloom!  Thank you Andy!