Wedding Anniversary

[Skywise]

Today is our 11th Anniversary. I  can't go through another one alone.  I bought him a card and drank a toast - just like we've always done but the pain is horrendous and unending.

I was supposed to be working today but they closed the office because of the snow so I've been stuck in all day on my own.  I tried to keep busy but nothing has worked. Now I'm just sitting here on my own, missing him and trying to stop myself thinking about our wedding and how happy we were. I just want him back.  I'd sell my soul for just one more hour with him, just to hear his voice and be able to snuggle into his neck and breathe him in.

This is too hard.  I honestly don't think I can stand this much longer.  What's the point of carrying on when he's not here? He was my life and there's nothing without him.  I simply don't want to be here any more.  There's nothing but pain and tears and, seriously, what's the point.  If my cat was in this much pain the vet would put her down and call it mercy. 

[yuyu]

Same feeling here, Ours is on the 11th of March, supposed to be our first wedding anniversary but here I am contemplating the what ifs, crying here in the office looking back at the pictures listening to our music.  wishing I could join her for eternity, pretending to be strong.  

[Tineke H]

Ahhhh Yuyu,

You are still there.I do remember your story vividly.You joint just after me and when you told us that your wife had died during your honeymoon ,I could only think : This is just the worst thing ever!'

I have wondered how you have been doing.But of course we all know the answer to that.Life is just awful when you loved ones dies.There are no words to describe how you feel when that happens to you.

My thoughts will be with you on the 11th of March.

[KayC]

Skywise, it is hard doing wedding anniversaries alone, one of my friends just went through that a week ago, she kept busy with friends and that helped her through it, but there's still the coming home alone and who can go through that without tears.

YuYu, so you are facing not only your anniversary but shortly after the anniversary of her death, both hard to deal with.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers next week for sure.

 

[Michelene]

when I first read the title of these posts my first thought was Oh MY God I still have that ahead of me! 

However, all these posts provide some comfort to me, and a safe space where people get it. I think of all of you, in a general "my people on grief forum" kind of way, and also individually. If you folks can hang on, so can I. But it's like my grief is morphing, changing. I feel emptier and emptier, and life seems more and more diminished, like there is a veil between me and the world. 

Two people at work (my "superiors") had a lengthy conversation about heart attacks right in front of my desk. I mean, like, leaning against my desk in front of. I wanted to say, "Are you effing kidding me? This is the best place you can have this conversation?" I went outside and cried after they left. 

 

[Tineke H]

Skywise,

Anniversaries are awful,all of them.Birthdays, wedding days, days you met.How do we go through these days? And every year these anniversary days come back with a vengeance.

You were unfortunate that on this anniversary you were on your own.On these 'special' days I try to keep busy or I organise a little 'party' and celebrate with friends and toast on my Steve.I want people to keep remembering him, talk about him, all that stuff.

Your husband only died 4 months ago and everything is still very fresh for you.Of course you just want to throw in the towel and stop the pain.This pain is horrendous and relentless and your own death seems a merciful option.Do we want to go down that path?It crossed my mind many times in the early days but now it does not any more.

It does not always stay like this.It becomes more bearable but it takes time.Hang in there.

Michelene,

These insensitive people at work.F**k, what a bunch of insensitive idiots.Speak out and let them know what you think! I often think that we grieving people (including me) should speak up more and let the world know what we are  going through.They have NO idea!

I am with you on : 'my people on the grieve forum'. We know each other's stories, each other's names and the names of the  partners that have died.We share things that we do not share in real life.This forum is for many a place to go to every day, over and over again.To write, to read, to share.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Michelene said:

Two people at work (my "superiors") had a lengthy conversation about heart attacks right in front of my desk. I mean, like, leaning against my desk in front of. I wanted to say, "Are you effing kidding me? This is the best place you can have this conversation?" I went outside and cried after they left. 

I think I would have cried in front of them, let them know how blankety-blank insensitive they were!    It's worse that they were "superiors", they should know better!

[yuyu]

Thank you Tineke H and KayC, I will pray as well. I might be in a different place right now if I not joined here. Thank you so much

[KavitaHubby]

So sorry everyone that we all have to go thru this. I had mine MA in dec 2nd one without her. We would been married for 21 years if she was here but in my mind we are married for 21 years. If possible just look at their picture and try to give them at least one smile saying MA as most of the other time we will be either crying or hating them for leaving us so soon.

 

Peace

Manoj

[Tineke H]

Yuyu ,I just read on another grieving blog about suicidal thoughts that we probably all have had and maybe still have.It is not because we want to be dead, but rather that we don't want to go through what we have to go through if we lived.If we committed suicide our family would have to go through what we are going through now.We could never do that to them.

KavitaHubby, you are still married to your wife, the relationship is still there.On the 2nd of Dec you still had your 21th wedding anniversary.Worth celebrating I think.

[KayC]

Tineke,

That could be a direct quote from me, it comes from the article I wrote.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Tineke H]

Your tips are very good.Even after 21 months I still read them.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎3‎/‎6‎/‎2018 at 9:19 PM, Tineke H said:

Your tips are very good.Even after 21 months I still read them.

me too!   

[Azipod]

On 3/2/2018 at 11:08 AM, Skywise said:

Today is our 11th Anniversary. I  can't go through another one alone.  I bought him a card and drank a toast - just like we've always done but the pain is horrendous and unending.

It is an absolute torture to go through those special days and moment without our partner.   To me, it almost sounds like I got ripped off by life.  I was robbed of my soulmate!