Almost a month since father’s passing.

[holyhecko]

It’s almost been a month since my dad passed away. He had a heart attack the 29th (dead before he hit the ground.) but they pronounced him dead after doing CPR for half an hour. He was officially dead January 30th. I don’t even know when to mourn the one month, because damn february doesn’t have 30 days.

In this past month, i’ve been trying to let go of my fathers alcoholism and forgive him for all he put my family through. I’m starting to remember that he was not himself. He was taken over by alcoholism. If he would’ve looked into the future before he became an addict and saw himself, he would’ve been disgusted. I keep learning disgusting things about my father, from my sister and mom, that are making it harder to forgive him and harder to cope. I’ve eavesdropped on my older sister’s conversations with my mom and heard more about his addiction and when things got worse, and it makes me want to scream. I keep blaming myself, but when he was getting worse, i was in middle school and had no clue what was going on, but i still blame myself for the fact that we didn’t get him help sooner. He died due to a heart attack from high blood pressure. He had medication for high blood pressure. He  wasn’t taking it for a while, we don’t kmow why. I miss him dearly, I just don’t know how to let go of the past.

[nd123]

I'm so, so sorry. My father passed away 2 weeks ago -- he had a heart condition & had stopped taking his medication, too. And we don't really know why either. They pronounced him dead after almost an hour of CPR as well, which is hard to think about, too. 

I have some issues with my father too that I'm trying to forgive him for, so I understand a bit what you are going through. I don't know, but perhaps that forgiveness will come in time. It has only been a month for you and I think it is okay to be a little angry or resentful towards him. But yes, your dad obviously not himself and I can't imagine what you're going through having watched him to succumb to alcoholism. But it is absolutely not your fault-- you are not a doctor, nor did you refuse your father care. You did nothing wrong, and when he was getting worse, you were only a kid. I believe when it's time to go, it's time to go. 

Hold on to the good memories you have of your dad, & perhaps try to remember him as he'd want to be remembered, before he got so sick. I hope that with time, the resentment subsides and you are able to forgive him. I have no advice for how to do that, but I think you should know that it is okay to not feel that way yet. 

[1SP]

I'm sorry for your loss, my father passed 2 and a half weeks ago. I have a lot of guilt about how I didn't help him enough. Then I think of how he would be upset to see me suffering, especially because of him. It helps a little to remember that

[Dgiirl]

My condolences on the loss of your father.  It’s very hard to lose a parent and someone who means so much to us.

 I’m also sorry to hear you had to grow up with an alcoholic.  My father passed away last year and although he meant the world to me, I was very close to him, he too was an alcoholic when I was a growing up.  

When he was sober, he was a fantastic Dad who loved his kids.  However, when he was drunk, he was an obnoxious talker which took a toll on the family as everyone hid out individually in their own room.  It felt like a form of prison.  A few periods, it got really really bad.  Once I finished university, I couldn’t wait to escape and move away. His alcoholism took a toll on me and I was embarrassed, exhausted, angry, intolerant of anyone who drank and this affected me negatively for years after moving away, even after he eventually quit.   I got married and had difficulty adjusting to married life, meshing families together, finding out some behaviours I had or saw when growing up from both parents, wasn’t exactly normal  

Eventually I was going through a difficult time with a divorce and friends advised I see a therapist. It was the best thing I ever did.  She was the first person who ever told me the things I saw as a child was not fair to me.  Somehow, that simple acknowledgment just released so much anger and forgiveness.  It was the first time I saw both my parents as humans who make mistakes. I was able to take my parents off a pedestal and forgive my Dad for drinking and my Mom for tolerating it.  

Now that my father has passed, I’ve struggled a lot with his loss.  Despite his alcoholism, he really was an amazing father who loved me with all his heart   He always believed in me and supported me in everything I wanted to do   It’s hard to lose that.  And thoughts of using alcohol as a crutch to get through has flashed through my mind and the thought scares me but also makes me wonder if my Dad started drinking because of a similar loss of his own parents.  I don’t really know but I can empathize a little more

All this to say, I’m sorry you had to grow up with an alcoholic.  It wasn’t at all fair to you.  Allow yourself to acknowledge that first.

Then try to realize your dad is just human and he was struggling with something, and alcohol was a quick out.  Try to forgive  the memories of an alcoholic and focus more on memories of your dad when he was sober.  

[tessa]

Hi Dgiirl,
Thank-you for writing. What you have written sums it up beautifully.
Our parents are human too. They have the same struggles, same pressures as we have. They make mistakes. They are not perfect.
You wrote it so beautifully. I am going to give what you wrote to a brother and sister who grew up with a toxic father. The sister ended up in domestic violence. The brother turned to drugs.

Hi holyhecko,
What Dgiirl wrote, to recognize that parents are human too, take them off the pedestal, forgive them, help them (if it's not too late)