3 months In

[Becki67]

Hi Everyone,

I lost my boyfriend of 13 years on Thanksgiving Day.  But, our relationship was much longer than that.  He was my first crush when I was 13.  We owned a home together and raised 4 kids together.  But, he was a severe alcoholic.  I moved out in October with the hopes that it would make him really want to get help.  That plan backfired because he drank himself to death one night.  There are so many feelings I have about all of this.  He was alone for 4 days before he was found.  That's horrifying to me.  I feel such guilt for that because I was angry at him and wasn't talking to him that entire week.  I know that it was his choice but he didn't deserve to be alone like that.  Now that my anger has subsided somewhat, I realize that he didn't choose that addiction.  But, when you're living it day to day, it is hard to see it objectively sometimes.  I tried everything to get him to get help.  Everything I knew to do until finally I had to step away for my own safety and sanity.  He and I used to do everything together until the alcohol got him completely in it's grip.  We were best friends.  Even in the most recent years, there were glimpses of that friendship and laughter.  But the bad times started to outweigh the good.  

Since he's passed, I've broken most of the grief rules.  I started a new job, I moved, I gave away some of his things...now that my shock is wearing off and I can no longer fool myself into believing he isn't ever coming home again, I regret all of them...except the moving part because I moved back into the home that he and I owned together.  I love my home and it's comforting being back in it.  I hold things in and spite myself.  Each time I try with my closest circle, I'm met with comparisons or shut down because no one wants to really see my grief.  I get resentful and snappish.  It just sucks....everything about this.  

Prior to his passing, I ran my own small company and did quite well.  The night of his memorial I was called with a pretty good offer that I accepted immediately.  I know I shouldn't have done that but I needed to focus on something that I knew I could control at that time.  Now, I regret it.  I am in the recruiting/hr business and it goes against everything in me to leave a position without giving it enough time, but I'm not happy in this role.  I'm not giving it my all either and I hate that.  My mind is on all the things that I should be taking care of with his estate, liquidating his old company and focusing on my own grief.  

I really don't know what to do.  I need to start counseling, I'm sure of that.  

Living with an alcoholic is a roller coaster ride, but I didn't want it end like this.  Now, there's no chance of him ever being that person he used to be.  It's just done.  Over.  

 

 

 

[Azipod]

Becki67, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  The feelings that you are experiencing are all normal.  All of have have some level and degree of guilt.  I can definitely relate to your statement about not being able to be objective when we're living with an issue on a day to day basis.  Sometimes, subtle things that change which builds a pattern overtime is something we cannot readily see.  There will be some degree of survivors guilt.   As to breaking all of the grief rules.... what is done is what is done.  We cannot change the past.   As difficult as things are right now, it seems from your post that you are pretty in tune with your feelings and what you have done so far.  Breaking the grief rules are OK... because they aren't rules that are etched in stone.  No two griefs are alike and we are all different individuals.  You should work with your feelings and do what is good for you.... and take what ever guidance you get on this forum as a guide.   The problem with this grief journey is that we are all in it alone.  Yes, we share similiar stories, we talk to each other, we have identical feelings and thoughts at times.  But the bottom line is that we're all in this alone and no one knows exactly how you feel and what you are going through but yourself.   In my earlier months I was blinded by grief.  I took each day using my head thinking that my brain can help me solve my problems.   Little did I know that grief isn't a problem... it's a process.  A very tiring one.  But the only way to process and conquer the grief is by listening to the heart.    

I do believe you should start counseling.  And a grief support group specific for partner loss.  I think you will benefit from it tremendously. 

[Becki67]

Thank you, Azipod....I have lost a lot of people in my life in the past ten years.  A brother, a sister, my Mom, my heart-dog, and now him.  I've gotten through most of them fairly well because there were "reasons"...acceptable ones, at least.  Old age, sickness, etc.  I've taught myself to do that.  I guess that's a coping mechanism a lot of people use.  Finding that acceptable reason.

This one, though....  His autopsy showed that he was perfectly healthy.  Since I heard that, I've been even more upset.  I was hoping for some underlying cause so that I could say to myself...Okay, that makes more sense....it wasn't just a bottle...it wasn't just that....there had to be something more serious.  It's hard for me to wrap my mind around that one.  

I'm all over the place here, I know, and I apologize.  There are so many feelings swirling around inside me and I'm so scattered.  I hope that part goes away soon. 

I'm pretty sure that you all know and understand.  

I'm glad that I found this forum...I've been looking for once since this happened and have posted a couple of times, but with no response so thank you for responding.

 

[KayC]

Becki,

I am so sorry.  You have such a shared history and truly cared about each other, but sometimes the disease is too great for them to find their way out.  My own dad was alcoholic.

I'm also sorry you posted and didn't get a response, usually that doesn't happen, but somehow we missed seeing it, I apologize. 

You sound like a strong person and you'll get through this, but we're never the same, grief becomes our companion and makes it's mark on us.  I'm glad you're listening to your inner self about what you want and don't want, and it sounds like getting out of that job would be a good move for you.  

I have learned so much from my counselor/mentor.  Not every one is a good fit, the one I had in the beginning was not a GRIEF counselor although he claimed to be and it did not go well.  I learned to look for one with a degree in Thanatology.  If the first one doesn't resonate with you, try another one.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html