The future

[Sunflower2]

Decided to come here first this morning instead of journaling.  I understand so much of what everyone has shared.  Its moments like this where I so dearly miss our morning communications.  They were the start of our day.  I realize I have to find a new purpose.  I had a purpose.  Infact I had many purposes prior to Wayne's death.  Being retired I don't have a job to go back into but would that minimize the grief??  I'm leaning toward volunteer work but not jumping into it.  I guess that's the best I can say.  I'm not jumping into anything without thought.  I continue to do things spontaneously as planning is too difficult.  Commitments are difficult. I'm doing spontaneous activities.  They are activities I feel comfort in.    Last Friday I went to our happy place.  I reserved a room. I walked the city streets and went to our favorite restaurant.  I felt joy and peace mixed with sadness,  Bittersweet.  I slept the best since September 24th.  Driving home Saturday the grief took over.  The pain of the loss.  I sobbed all the way home.  I mean really sobbed.  Only a 30 minute trip but he had to have me covered.  I don't know how I made it home so smoothly.  My car just sailed.  It was like he had control of the car so I could sob and release.  I emotionally crashed once home and curled up in bed. 

So I wake up this morning in a place we know reminds us of how our life is shattered.  THE FUTURE!  Where do I go?  Does age factor into this??  Where does one begin at 69?  Is it easier when we are younger to be faced with this loss?  I don't believe so but I need to hear that from you.  

This was the year we were to begin consolidating our residences after 35 years. His house would have been put on the market.  My condo would be a transitional space until we decided on a new location.  Scaling down in size and a location....our location together.  The city or the suburbs.  A house or a condo or an apartment.  Keep the condo and do a city apartment?  These were decisions that may or may not have been finalized in 2018 but they were part of our journey.  An exciting one!.  That was my main purpose. That was his purpose.  Tis was our purpose. Sometimes I wonder if it was the stress of making these decisions that caused his heart attack. In the spring he was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer.  Perhaps the train wreck of our life together was picking up momentum for the crash??? We were still planning and still talking.  He did not share it was aggressive cancer. It was contained.  This I found out from his doctor after his death. The doctor did say eventually the cancer would have "moved into his body."  That the heart attack given the options was the better of the options.   I had already begun to de clutter the condo.  A process I started 5 years ago.  I no longer had an attachment to this place even though I lived here for 25 years because of location/work and Wayne.  Now I feel stuck here.  I've created a healing comfort energy again in this space but suburbia isn't blending with my spirits.  Urban life is.  Yet my connections and stability of necessities like yoga studio, doctors and other services are all conveniently located.  I do have a 92 year old mom who is also located around the corner in a independent/assisted facility. The city I grew up in and left is now being re-invented.  Detroit.  We found our spot in 2006.  It was still the corridor and only had a few gems.  There were no living spaces at that time.  The ones being built were not selling so taking a risk was off the table.  I was still working.  So a dream was put on hold.  It was reality at that time.  It was a decision made given circumstances at that moment. No regrets than.  Regrets now.  So many regrets yet we made the best decisions at that time.  The regret and sadness and anxiety is that he is not with me.  So much of my life came to a halt.  The beauty of my purpose and life came to a halt.  The functioning part to simply live exist continues.  Live for what?????  What future???  How does one plan feeling so lost and shattered.???   I feel stuck so stuck and angry yet making a decision of a move at this time is not wise.  Intellectually I understand.  Emotionally I want to run and create a future but I cant.  A future???  I cant even comprehend a future in a survival get through the moment mode.

My thoughts are rambled but its about purpose.  Finding purpose.  the future...what future...please share your experiences. this morning I'm again lost.

[Becki67]

I have no advice but I'm hoping you find your future soon.  Hugs.

[LoveD]

Sunflower2, we have to think about our futures if we continue to survive.  How about think about 5 years in the future based on your own needs.  Especially when decision relates to business investment.  Wayne doesn't need the houses any more.  You can cherish him in your heart.  Sooner or later we all will reunite with our loved ones when the materials no longer mean anything to us.  The most important is to make the sound decision in your own best interest.

[Jenn4]

@Sunflower2 I think volunteering your time to something is a great idea. When my Dad passed away 12 years ago, my Mom did a lot of volunteering. The volunteering led to so many opportunities for her to travel and make a lot of new friends. Her social life is more fun then mine.

In response to if it’s easier if you’re younger... I don’t know. I am 35 and I also feel too old to have a future. I feel like my bf was taken from me in the prime of my life... when we should have been building our future together. 35... I can’t imagine myself with anyone else... he was the love of my life.. my other half...my best friend. I feel like I have no future and now is just a waiting game for when I will die too. 

 

 

[KayC]

Sunflower,

To answer some of your questions, I don't think having a job to go to minimizes our grief.  It may serve as a temporary distraction and force us to compartmentalize in order to function but once we get home we're hit all the same.

I don't think it's easier when people are younger, if anything maybe all the harder because they know they're likely to face more years without them.  But growing old alone can leave you feeling vulnerable, there's something comforting about doing it together, something hard hitting about doing it alone.

Volunteering is good because it can bring us some purpose, give us interaction with others in the land of the living.  I hope you find something enjoyable and meaningful for you.

[Tineke H]

Hi Guys,

I am surprised with how quickly some people go back to work after they have lost their loved one.I could not think straight for months and found it hard to concentrate and remember anything.I am fortunate that we had retired early and that there was not need for me to work after Steve died.I don't think that work would have made my grieving process easier.It would have given some structure to my days and some distraction ,but that would be all.The grieving would still need to be done.

Steve was only 51 years old when he died and I was 59 at the time.My 'toyboy' ,8 years younger than me and super fit died before me.Who would have thought that?I am very happy that we were already not working anymore and that we lived  a life that many people were envious of.Travelling the world, windsurfing, cycling, climbing mountains.And then he suddenly died in his sleep and it turned out he had severely blocked coronary arteries.But he did not die behind his desk and I thank god for that.He never cared for having a career and becoming a CEO of some company.He wanted to earn as much money in as short a time, so we could go of and do our fun things again.We followed ours dreams, we did not just talk about them.

Now after 21 months I am starting to feel that I need to find purpose in life again.I have survived these 21 months and I think I am doing as 'well' as can be expected.I still am still actively grieving and feel terribly sad and occasionally I scream at the sky and ask him to come back to me and I still cry most days.But I am ready to find purpose and that is my mission for 2018.To explore options that give me purpose.

Sunflower it is still very early for you, only 5 months.Give yourself time and try not to rush into anything.No big decisions for 2 years I have been told.I am not surprised that you are wondering about your future, about life, about what is going to happen.We had never thought that we would have to do this on our own.That was not our plan, that was not in the script.It is a horrible situation to be in.One that we did not choose.But now we have not choice.Living without the one we love most.

[Sunflower2]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

Sunflower,

To answer some of your questions, I don't think having a job to go to minimizes our grief.  It may serve as a temporary distraction and force us to compartmentalize in order to function but once we get home we're hit all the same.

I don't think it's easier when people are younger, if anything maybe all the harder because they know they're likely to face more years without them.  But growing old alone can leave you feeling vulnerable, there's something comforting about doing it together, something hard hitting about doing it alone.

Volunteering is good because it can bring us some purpose, give us interaction with others in the land of the living.  I hope you find something enjoyable and meaningful for you.

Thank you!  Re-affirms!

[Sunflower2]

8 hours ago, Tineke H said:

Hi Guys,

I am surprised with how quickly some people go back to work after they have lost their loved one.I could not think straight for months and found it hard to concentrate and remember anything.I am fortunate that we had retired early and that there was not need for me to work after Steve died.I don't think that work would have made my grieving process easier.It would have given some structure to my days and some distraction ,but that would be all.The grieving would still need to be done.

Steve was only 51 years old when he died and I was 59 at the time.My 'toyboy' ,8 years younger than me and super fit died before me.Who would have thought that?I am very happy that we were already not working anymore and that we lived  a life that many people were envious of.Travelling the world, windsurfing, cycling, climbing mountains.And then he suddenly died in his sleep and it turned out he had severely blocked coronary arteries.But he did not die behind his desk and I thank god for that.He never cared for having a career and becoming a CEO of some company.He wanted to earn as much money in as short a time, so we could go of and do our fun things again.We followed ours dreams, we did not just talk about them.

Now after 21 months I am starting to feel that I need to find purpose in life again.I have survived these 21 months and I think I am doing as 'well' as can be expected.I still am still actively grieving and feel terribly sad and occasionally I scream at the sky and ask him to come back to me and I still cry most days.But I am ready to find purpose and that is my mission for 2018.To explore options that give me purpose.

Sunflower it is still very early for you, only 5 months.Give yourself time and try not to rush into anything.No big decisions for 2 years I have been told.I am not surprised that you are wondering about your future, about life, about what is going to happen.We had never thought that we would have to do this on our own.That was not our plan, that was not in the script.It is a horrible situation to be in.One that we did not choose.But now we have not choice.Living without the one we love most.

Beautiful, encouraging and supportive.  I was beginning to fall into the "should" mode of thinking.  I'm just not ready to jump into anything even volunteer work at this moment.  I need to stabilize myself with the simplicity I have going in my life right now.  I have "visions" of what I might be interested in but those are on the horizon.  Those visions give me "light" of what can be there,  I'm not ready to move into them.  Thanks for the reminder.  I need reminders that I'm still so fresh into this.  I want to push.  I want to run from it but to heal this isn't the way.  We all need to be patient and move as we need to move through this grief. 

[KayC]

There are no "shoulds" in grief.  Everyone's timeline is different.  Around six months can be hard as reality sets in, some hit it sooner, some later.  Try not to think about "the rest of your life", take it a day at a time, that's enough to deal with, any more than that is overwhelming.  Volunteering can be good, but you will know if or when you are ready for that, and if you do, look for something that you will enjoy.  In the beginning I think we have our hands full just trying to survive.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎2‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 10:05 AM, KayC said:

There are no "shoulds" in grief.  Everyone's timeline is different.  Around six months can be hard as reality sets in, some hit it sooner, some later.  Try not to think about "the rest of your life", take it a day at a time, that's enough to deal with, any more than that is overwhelming.  Volunteering can be good, but you will know if or when you are ready for that, and if you do, look for something that you will enjoy.  In the beginning I think we have our hands full just trying to survive.

yes total survival mode at the moment.  I'm leaving that option open for volunteer I just don't have the energy right now. 

[KayC]

Yes, that's for if/when you are ready.  I focused on processing his death first, THEN in finding some purpose, THEN in creating a life I could live...all in due time, it took many many years.