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Lost my 18 year old daughter to sepsis


Broken Mum

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I lost my daughter on the 5th January 2018, she had flu, we all had flu, hers went to pneumonia and sepsis, the symptoms were identical to flu so it went undiagnosed until too late.  We had coughs so bad that we had cracked ribs, which was agony, her pain was assumed to be the same.  I took her to the doctors on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Jan, I slept with her all night on the 4th, I don't want to go into detail, it's way too painful, but by morning she vomited and was struggling to speak, this was the first time any symptom differed to our flu, it all happened so fast from there, doctor, ambulance, helicopter, panic.  She was diagnosed with pneumonia as soon as we got to the hospital, I remember the relief, she was so poorly but accepted reassurances that all would be well, she was transferred to Intensive Care for immediate treatment, as they were taking her up she took a turn for the worse and the nightmare began, running alongside her, watching her panic, she was asking them if she was ok and they couldn't answer because they were all too busy, she was pleading with me not to leave her and I was promising that I wouldn't, she kept saying she had never been this ill before, and begging me not to leave, I didn't, I stayed, they drifted her off to sleep, she was ventilated, on a kidney machine, tubes everywhere, monitors, lots going on, 8 people working on her, she went into cardiac arrest and had to be given CPR, they worked on her for 2 hours but to no avail.  I kept my promise, I stayed, I will be eternally grateful to them for allowing me to do so, I only hope she knew I was there, they say hearing is the last sense to go when we die, I hope that's right because if it is she would have heard me shouting at her to fight, telling her I loved her.  When she passed away I remember hearing a dreadful noise, one that I had never heard before, it took a while for me to realise that it was me.  I cried and wailed and hugged her, the staff all hugging me and saying it was  absoloutely tragic.  They took me to a room and made me tea and a nurse sat with me, they asked if I would like to go back in after she had been washed, had she passed away peacefully in bed I would have refused as I would prefer to remember her as she was, but having seen such dreadful images I needed to see her clean and at peace, so I said yes.  I was taken through and allowed to lie beside her, I can't even begin to describe the feeling, to lie and hug her cold lifeless body, and kiss her beautiful face, and apologise for failing her, messing up and not getting there fast enough.  I'm broken beyond repair.  As if this wasn't enough there had to be a post mortem, I wasn't given a choice, she already looked as if she had suffered a car accident and now would be damaged further.  I was divorced 4 years ago so am home with my 16 year old son, who has lost his sister and needs my support.  I can honestly say that if I didn't have him I would no longer be here.  This pain is unbearable and only gets worse.  Everyone said I was brave, and was incredible with my funeral organising and everything else I had going on.  I wasn't brave at all, I was just in shock.  Now for everyone else it is all over, for me it's just the start and I really don't want to be here any longer, yet I know my son needs me, and eventually this will pass, or so they tell me, I will learn to live around it and be happy again.  I can't see it yet so I'll carry on supporting my wonderful son, and feeling this unbelievable pain, knowing that I will never see my amazing, beautiful, intelligent daughter again.  She was taking a gap year before University, thank goodness she did, otherwise she would have never experienced any adult life outside School.  I'll never see her graduate, never celebrate her first job, first house, wedding, children and everything most families have.  I love my Son so very much, as I did my beautiful girl.  I really don't know how to carry on from here, I'm absoloutely broken, it's wrong on every level, I wish it had been me in her place, because she had so much to give and her whole life ahead of her.  

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brokenmom I am so sorry you lost your precious young daughter. This flu season has been very deadly because pneumonia manages to sneak in among the symptoms making the patient very unwell very quickly.Sepsis also occurs very suddenly when the body goes into overdrive to fight the infection and attacks itself which leads to organ failure. It is easily missed and requires serious medication and monitoring by machines in an ICU. What a terrible shock for you to see her deteriorate so fast and be witness to it all. Your brave girl would definitely have known you were there with her and be able to hear her mum's voice over all the chaotic scene she knew you would never leave her alone. Bless you how hard that must have been for you but your mother's love kept the promise you made to her. I am glad you did see her after and spend some time with her. It is actually an important step in beginning to accept your child has gone. When a death is very sudden  or unexpected it is harder to believe that it really happened and spending time with her after is your last goodbye. That last time whether in a hospital or funeral home is almost beyond description because it is so painful. You need to keep in mind it was just your daughter's shell left behind. All the heart and soul and personality that made her her pass on and out into the atmosphere. post mortems are necessary to be able to determine a cause of death for the coroner. My daughter has seen two in her job training and said how calm professional and respectfully they were done. They are kept covered to keep their dignity and handled as gently as if they were awake. The staff take great care to make sutures as invisible as possible and they are carefully and gently washed afterward. Your girl was free of that body and didnt need it anymore, she is free and whole and healthy. There is nothing you could have done differently you took her repeatedly to the doctor it is just so sad that sepsis can overturn a healthy body so fast. You are correct that you went into shock that happens and can last several months as you begin to accept what happened and how your lives will be forever changed. Her funeral is done and this is when you start to feel alone as everyone goes back to their lives. I am glad you have your son as you will both need each other over time. I totally get not wanting to be alive anymore I think most of us have felt that strongly too it is normal and you ache to have her with you again. You need to know she is not gone she is with you by your side every day it is just you cannot see or hear her, and one day you will definitely see her again and hold her in your arms at the end of your natural lifetime ok? She is not gone she is still with you always. You need to try and focus on one day at a time try and eat a little ,drink wate,r  try and nap if your sleep is disturbed and try and keep yourself together as best you can. Dont try and look at the future that is too much to handle just one day at a time. Accept all the help offerred to you and just concentrate on you and your boy, letting out all those emotions so they dont fill up in your chest and do what feels right for you. There is no rulebook on grieving. We all meet on the Loss of an adult child topic by Mom of Justin. its at the top of the page with over 2million views. Click on that link and go to the last page and post there and we will find you and listen to you and support you in every way we can. We are a group of parents who have also lost a child/adult child so we absolutely understand it is the hardest thing in the world to go through. You are not alone we will support you ok?

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My girl is in heaven

Broken mom. So sorry about the loss of your daughter.  I lost my daughter very unexpectedly as well..unfortunatly I was in such shock I didn' hold her or anything

 I' m glad you were able to be with your daughter.  Tommys mom has given you excellent advice and welcome to our club that no body wants to belong. Come to loss of an adult child and let us hold your hands.  

 

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Broken mom-- I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter. You did all you could and as a nurse who has worked in ICU I know how fast things can change. 

Tommys mom advice is excellent. I too lost my 21 yr old daughter Dec 17/17.

I'm glad you found the group no one wants to join. It has been helping me and I hope you get some comfort from this group to.know what you are experiencing is normal. 

Sarah xoxo

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