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He’s gone -:((((((


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My 43yr old husband left me last month leaving me and our 2 little children after 5 months battling with colon cancer. I’m still stunned as I was just outside his room whe he took his last breath. He called me 2 hours before to ask where I was saying he’s critical and I laughed how he could call me if he actually was.

3 1/2yrs old son asking if we can go to heaven to see daddy and 8yr old daughter asking why did this happen to our family, I’m absolutely speechless. I’ve been with him 11 years and we had a wonderful marriage. Never ever thought he’d leave me at a such young age and I miss him so much. 

I started counselling two weeks ago and I can talk about him until the cows come home. I’m just lost, he was the one to look after me, love me and adore me and he’s gone just like that. I never wanted him to suffer and believe God heard our prayers and did the best for him although this isn’t what we prayed for. He told me last ‘it’s all ok’ just wondering if he knew he was going. I blame that I was talking to the doctor outside the room rather than being with him. Just don’t know where to start living without him

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I’m so sorry for your lost. I’m almost 4 months into losing my husband and it’s the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever lived through. There are people on this forum who are further in their journey and offer comfort and advice. 

I joined a loss of spouse grief support group. Maybe you can look into one of those. 

Bless you!

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@#Lostsoul  I'm so sorry you lost your husband and at such a young age.  We never expect this.  My husband was barely 51 when he died, it was a shock, heart attack. He looked the picture of health.

I'm glad you are getting counseling, I hope it's a professional grief counselor.  Most are not ready for grief support groups for a couple of months, it's too raw, too soon, but it all depends on how YOU are feeling about it and each group is different so it'd depend on the fit. 

How to tell little children...there are books to help children understand death:

And then there's this article...it's written with sibling death in mind but the same things can be applied in loss of their dad...

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  • Affirmation
You have found a good place to be in this site.  We're all going through this together, different ages, different stages in journey, but we all get it, how hard it is to lose our spouse, what all that means to each of us.  I wrote this article based on my twelve year journey and I hope there's even one thing you can glean from it and put to use:


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.




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