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Still attempting to navigate this site when I can.  This is the easiest  for me at this time.  Creating a new topic.  Extending so many deep thanks to all who have given support to so many in this forum through your responses, your suggestions of what you have found helpful and your shared hopes and pain.

I tried a support group through Griefshare Monday night.  It wasn't a fit.  I had no need to participate other than to simply "be."  Grief is grief and there was much comfort being in a space knowing everyone knew and understood where each member was....in pain from experiencing a loss..  What I did experience is that the loss and the age range was a non issue.  Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  As in my world as it was.. my support system and connections varied in age.  It happens too often in society where we get pigeon holed into an age group.  Those simply are my feelings.  We learn and we mentor in all age groups through openness, disclosure and authenticity.

I do have two other groups to consider.  Both are  series of 6 weeks.  They both start in one week so I'm going to have to try the fit. One group participation is fine.  More is not necessarily beneficial for me. 

Today I find myself in limbo.  Its been a limbo stage for a week or so.  Started with the reality that this is real.  Acceptance? The beginning of acceptance. Reality that he IS gone.  Lately I haven't even felt signals or my deep visual connections.  I'm into or entering some new territory. I feel a need to really protect myself and allow myself to move through this.  NO it isn't comfortable but there is a calm along side the pain.  Receiving apparitions takes alot of energy.  I need that energy now to understand where I am in this moment.

I'm entering the 5th month.  I usually avoid tracking dates.  These dates and reminders seem to simply appear.  They remind me that the loss is still fresh.  they are reminders that remind me that I'm making gentle moves forward even with the excruciating pain of loss and everything we all know accompanies it.  Not experiencing joy with memories yet.  A few bring a smile. Some bring anger. Some bring regret. Some bring fear, pain, sadness.  The list is endless and unpredictable.  We are alone in our grief.  Support helps us through this journey but there is much we independently need to do on our own. 

What is happening in my morning reflecting:  Limbo is like a dullness? A calm? A break from the intensity of the pain? A simple pause on our journey of grief? 

numbess dull

acceptance surfacing.  Initial surface was excruciating.  Now its like coexisting.  Intense but dull

anger more at his inability to allow this to happen

anger at his inability to tie up lose ends. Reality is there was action slowly being taken in moving forward in finalizing loose ends.  We were never thinking of death being around the corner. No one does in a sudden loss. 

Anger in that everything was immediately cut off...everything came to a halt.  Life changed dramatically to say the least. Surreal yet dull not as sharp at this moment.

ANGER: In death sometimes their residue and baggage re-enters the space of the person left behind.  Baggage he carried for a lifetime that he couldn't let go of. He was beginning to let go and process after his mother died 2 years ago.  The re-appearance of that, actually the energy, does enter my space and I obsess with anger.  I give them power in my thoughts even though I'm physically in a no contact and have been for years. Although we transcended that evil in our connection he still carried it. Compartmentalized it.  Working on a "soul pledge."  These thoughts are not good for my soul. My spirit and my growth.  Reading Fierce Medicine by Ana Forrest.  I feel connected to her.  Not a read for everyone.

This month will be a heavy business and medical  "adulting" month.  It will be needed accomplishments that can't be set aside.  Some will naturally have to carry over into March. Some will be finalized the end of this month. 

With all being said. Thank you for listening.







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I’m 4 weeks into my 8 week support group. There were a few people that didn’t come back after the first week. I think it’s good to find the right fit. 

I can relate to all of your emotions.  I’ve gone 3 months without my husband and it has been quite a roller coaster ride. I’ve never felt such pain and sorrow in my life. We have 2 daughters 17 and 18 so i have been able to focus on their well being as well. 

The interesting thing about this is I can’t see a future. All the plans we talked about for our retirement are meaningless. All the financial planning, it seems useless. I know in time I’ll be grateful that we made certain decisions but i wasn’t suppose to do it alone. 

I miss him! 

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I'm sorry it wasn't a good fit for you, perhaps the next one will be.  Nothing is a waste though, even just spending an hour with others that "get it" can be helpful.  Hopefully the next group you try will be better for you.

I've found for me that labels for our grief are meaningless.  We are where we are.  We can bounce back and forth from each of these labels, like acceptance, anger, denial, etc.  it is what it is.  What is important is that we sit with our pain, allow the grief to be.  It's also important to get a break from the grief, even if it's very short, set it aside for just a moment and when we're able, smile.  We will learn to coexist with our grief, it will be with us always, not as it is today or yesterday, but ever evolving.

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