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My favorite person and my deepest pain


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One Wednesday morning to me was a regular day. I woke up, took a bath, dressed up then packed for my regular duty as a student nurse at the hospital. Right there at the hospital, a woman was crying out loudly. Her child has died at PACU. The news was there have been a vehicular accident in a road not far from where I live. The woman's cry was so remorseful that you can feel deep sadness in  her voice. Every went out to see and watch her crying but I didn't take a step out of our room and just peeked at the glass window, then I sat. I felt like I have loss all my energy. I felt my phone vibrate, my sister texted me to go home immediately, that it was an emergency, our brother, our only brother had an accident. I went home straight and my heart was throbbing with fear but I was determined to take care of him in the hospital no matter what. Prayers went over and over in my head, I have walked around the room feeling so restless and worried. In those moments I told the Lord I wouldn't be able to take it if my brother would be gone from me, that He would rather take me than any of my family.

Suddenly, a neighbor told me that my brother was brought to the Funeraria. I was so angry at her, I even cursed at her in my head, "Is she ignorant? Doesn't she know what a Funeral Homes is?" (Until now, I still feel a little bit of heavy feelings with her. I don't know if it is hate, an unreasonable hate?)

The second time another person told me he's dead, I stood there shocked. The third time, I called my aunt... and very painfully, she has confirmed it. I couldn't cry still. It wouldn't sink in my head. I was shivering as I entered the house. I was angry, devastated and blank at the same time. I held my phone, I wrote some words (as I often make journals) and suddenly the feeling crushed right through me. I was crying so bitterly in the bed. I couldn't stop even though my head hurts. I was storming at the Lord, "I told You not to let this happen!!!" Nonetheless, I really couldn't do anything inside that room but look around and find memories of him everywhere. His clothes were stuffed in my duty bag, along with water, BP apparatus, his clean undergarments and many others as I thought I would find him at a hospital. I was sobbing non-stop and I can't wait for my sister and our uncle to come home. I was angry at them for not telling me right away. I was very angry at myself.

Finally I stood up, picked up my purse and ran outside. I am going to that Funeral home no matter what! In my heart I was strongly believing my brother could be alive somewhere. 

In there... I asked them to show me his body. They opened that door and on that table I saw my brother. I couldn't react like I don't know how I really should. My loving, caring, handsome and my most favorite man on this earth. 

He lie frozen in that cold table. He had third degree burn all over his body. His arm and his legs are held up stiff. His face, I could barely recognized as it crushed my heart into a billion agonizing pieces. His mouth was open like he died shouting and restless as the fire has caught up all over his body but in God's name I hope he never felt any of that pain and he has lost his consciousness swiftly by that large wound on his forehead and at the back of his head.

I couldn't find the right thoughts to organize in my head as I walked out blankly. I couldn't even cry. I was alone with all those strangers, and my brother's body in the room right behind me.

Still I couldn't grasp to the situation. I begged my classmates back at the hospital to search around if they could find a person with this name, I even described him. Male, tall, a big person... a good person. I didn't know because of that my classmates would roam around the hospital and even enter premises where they are not allowed. I kept asking them to find for my brother, I was begging them. Even though I was there, and my brother was in the room right behind me. 

I would cry whenever I remember him. I would wipe my tears there all alone as strangers walk by pass me.

So many people came. Classmates, co-leagues, friends and family. From the funeral homes to our own home where he was prayed for for three nights then he was buried. When he was being carried into his tomb, I felt like something is being torn from me and I was crying like I can't explain it. It felt like a part of me, my sibling, my only brother, protector, my flesh and blood was gonna be hidden, hidden forever.

I felt like the pain was endless and it only feels deeper as time passes. I am thankful for so many people that came, they were so many that we can't even accommodate them all. So many that we can't even get a grasp at them all and say our boundless THANK YOU. Miracles came into our home, into our lives and into our hearts as we were comforted by the words of GOD during those remorseful days. 

Until now, repeating the words of God that I have heard over and over in my head brings me comforts and a little bit of happiness among the pain and bitterness. I learned so many things even from those abrupt happenings that wrecked-havoc my life. I realized that we can always find purpose in everything, good or bad, that happens to us. Because God's plan is the best and greatest among all the plans we make for ourselves. GOD is amazing and holy. Thank you

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Dear Angel10118

I am extremely sorry for your loss. It is truly very painful to hear your story.May you find peace soon.

I too lost my 39 yr old brother few days ago on 28 Jan who happened to be my identical twin. I am so devastated that I can't put it in words.

Reason for his death is still not certain. He was perfectly healthy..used to gym 5 days a week..no previous health condition..used to drink socially and smoke a bit.

He was playing cricket on the field and suddenly complained of breathlessness. He came out to rest for a while and suddenly collapsed holding his chest. The other players put him in a car and took him to the hospital only 12 min away. But the doctors couldn't revive him.

I was so close to him and being twins we spent the maximum time in last 39 yrs with each other. I didn't have to speak to him to know how he felt anytime.i just had that connection with him. I just can't accept that he's gone.

I'm in a mess right now..don't know if I even want to come out of it.

I see his car, his kids ,his other stuff everyday and I can't take it. I loved him so much.

May God give you and also him peace and please keep him in your prayers.

I see that you are very spiritual and a believer. I am sure that helps immensely.

But what if I was never spiritual? How can I find peace? Do you believe God had a better plan for our loved ones who were taken from us? How do you cope with something like this??

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