Lost two brothers

[Andre3393]

I lost my oldest brother (stepbrother) to heroin back in June of 2016. He was 26 years old. It was a complete shock to my family and I. We knew he had problems with drugs and this was the third time he overdosed. It just ended up being the one that did him in. I guess you could say I wasn’t surprised...but it still didn’t make me feel any better. He had a troubled childhood and his mother wasn’t the greatest, but I’ve known him since I was 3 years old and to me he was my brother. It was never easy getting over losing him. Especially since he always came to me for advice. I was the good boy in the family. Always into my books and busy with sports. It didn’t matter that he was 3 years older than me and acted like I was the one who the rest of us should look up to. I guess I should’ve mentioned earlier that I am 1 of 6 brothers. He was the oldest, then me, then my half brothers who are identical twins...one of them is 19, and then I have to younger brothers at 7 and 10. After Richie passed away I had to be the rock for my brothers. My parents had my aunts and uncles to help them out and being that they were recently divorced, my brothers and I didn’t really want them around anyway. It was a toxic divorce and my stepfather ended up leaving weeks at a time and coming home when he felt like it. I grew to dislike him for basically leaving me in the position of being the father figure to my younger brothers. Although he was a great dad and still is, him not being around is what hurts us. Now the reason I mention all this is because it leads up to my younger brother Kevin. I had assumed the role of being the “go-to” guy for anything and helping out my little brothers with their homework or just being that one they can depend on since they couldn’t find stability anywhere else. And I thought I was doing a decent job given what i was going through and also trying to become an adult myself. ( I’m 24). It all came to a halt on May of 2017 when I found my 18 year old brother in the closet. He had committed suicide. Cutting him down was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and it was even harder trying to explain over the phone what had happened when I called my mom. I didn’t think I would be losing to brothers in the span of one year. And both of them so young. The whole time I must’ve been in some shock but seeing the look on my mother and my other brothers, I knew that I had to mourn later and be that rock again for their sake. I’m grateful to have a big family and their support was extremely helpful, but I can’t help but feel like I was an afterthought or overshadowed. He was an identical twin. So naturally everyone was there for him and the younger ones of course. My mom too had their support, but I guess since I had this facade of being strong and trying to comfort everyone else, nobody was really there for me except for my girlfriend. Now I’m not trying to say I need the attention, that’s far from it. But I did feel somewhat unimportant or just left to the side. It’s been months since this happened and I still haven’t been able to come to terms with it. I slowly feel my strength wavering day after day and I don’t want to go crazy. Even now more than ever I feel alone and like I failed them. I was suppose to look out for them. I think ive might’ve ranted long enough already, I know it’s a lot to read. I just haven’t been able to really talk about it to anyone. Even if no one reads it, I guess it helped to just get it out there. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Andre3393,

I am deeply sorrowful for your loss. I think that is so good and so brave that you are able to share your story and feelings. It helps me to know there is another person out there with some of the feelings I have.  I have lost two brothers. One of them 11yrs ago when he was 33 leaving behind two kids ( he had cancer). The other, I lost at the end of November, he had just turned 41 ( heroin took him). I am the one in the family who witnessed both deaths and signed death certificates and made arrangements, cleaned out houses and apartments, made sure parents were eating and checking to make sure they’re ok. The trauma of finding my brother from a heroin overdose was more than my mind can wrap it’s head around. All of the gruesome cleanup I had to do and shock that still rocks my soul and haunts me. I am 1 of 4 siblings and the youngest. I share the same experience with you in having had to be the rock and take care of everything. I still do. Always doing my grieving way after the fact because there is so much to take care of and someone has to stand up and do it. Who knows why it’s us...I only know that in me doing that for my family and brothers, that I honor them, stand up for them and out of respect for them. Especially  because while they were on this earth they gave me so many great memories and love. That’s not to say there weren’t a lot of struggles, but family is everything and doing right by them is the best thing we can do. Hoping that it will also help in the grieving process knowing we took care of their last moments here on earth. Now it’s time to take care of some of the emotions that come a long with a devastating shock that you went through. Your experience of being the one to find your brother that way. Deep pain, confusion, distress over not being able to save him. All the why’s...they say that’s all part of grieving, but when it’s traumatic and sudden like your was, I would suggest seeing a grief counselor to talk to. I do. He is helping me through the trauma, grief, and my reactions to it so thanI have the best chance to cope and move forward with time. Especially about the stuff you may not feel comfortable telling your family. It’s terrible...I think my brother who just died from the overdose never got over my other brothers death and so that why he took the path to destroying himself with drugs and eventually heroin. Terrifying losing our loved ones in these ways. I hope it helps you to know that your family will be in my prayers. Your post means a lot. God bless