Struggling with the loss of my Cat

[MarleyGinge]

My baby Marley was taken from me on Saturday night 27/01/18. He was a big ginger tom cat and he was the sweetest lovliest boy ever who always had so much love for everyone. I am heartbroken.

Part of what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the circumstances of his passing. He was a normal happy healthy chap, about 10-11 years old but spent most days out playing and exploring. I heard him come through the cat flap at about 8pm just as I was hopping into the shower. When i got out about 10 minutes later, I went into my bedroom and found poor Marley lying on the floor on his side, panting/ unable to get his breath and his tongue sticking out. He seemed quite calm however i got on the phone to the emergency vet and asked them what i could do. They said to bring him in straight away. 

I quickly got dressed, keeping an eye on him but he got worse. I quickly googled what to (i thought he was choking) and i followed instructions on the Heimlich manouver, and tried to look down his throat to see if anything was there. Both of these failed and i could see poor Marley getting more distressed.

He ran downstairs and hid under the coffee table, which I felt was a bad sign. I went to get the cat carrier, however he was so adamant to lie on his side that he wouldnt fit comfortable in there. I decided to just scoop him up in a blanket, as by now i could see a bit of blood coming from his mouth and he was crying in pain

I cuddled him in the blanket and rushed out to the car, however i made it as far as the driveway and I felt him take one last breath and then he went all limp in my arms. I was heartbroken. I continued my journey to the vets however as I naively thought they could still help him but of course it was too late.

I am racked with guilt and doubt. Could I have saved him? Had I not jumped in the shower when I heard him come in, could I have had more of a chance to save him? Had I not wasted time and got him straight in the car when I saw how he was would he have had a chance? 

Part of the problem is not knowing his cause of death. The vet did not charge me and therefore did not perform a proper examination, however he did suggest it was most likely a heart problem judging by what I said.

However these niggling thoughts still bother me. Did I close the food bin properly? Could he have gotten in and chewed on the lamb bones I had Friday night?

If I had carried on with the heimlich manouver would he still be here?

 

These horrible thoughts are killing me and I feel so distraught. I miss my baby so much and I feel like I failed him. He ran to me for help but there was nothing I could do. It is hard enough coping with the loss of a pet under any circumstance, i have unfortunately lost a few fur babies in my life. However this loss is by far the most traumatic and I feel like I will never be happy again. 

[MelsGone]

I am sorry for your loss of Marley. It is heartbreaking, I know. I have no words to ease the pain nor answers to your questions. But I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I care & I’m listening.

[MyMocha]

Oh goodness, what an awful event for you and your poor kitty! Not knowing what happened to him definitely makes it even tougher.  I am so sorry for you.  Part of me wonders if he got hit by a car but when they get to live an adventurous life it could have been a lot of different things.  It seems like it happened pretty quick so he didn't have to suffer much.  So not fair.  And the thoughts and "what if's" are a part of the grief from such a sad loss of a cherished friend. Especially from an event that happens so unexpectedly. So very sorry for your loss.  We all understand how hard it is.  Hopefully we can all help each other continue to get through the sad losses of our friends.  Big hugs.

[Guest]

How heartbreaking for you.  I know the not knowing is really hard, but take comfort in that whatever it was, it happened quickly,  his suffereing was short.  As hard as it is when we loose our furbabies suddenly and unexpectedly like this, it also means they did not have days, weeks or even months of suffering.  However we loose our furbabies is hard and overwhelmingly painful and even if they die of old age we all feel the guilt and go through the what if's.  I can only imagine what it  must be like to have a an otherwise healthy furbaby die in my arms like that, I'm sorry you had to loose your precious furbaby like that.

[Furbabies09]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are among people who understand your pain. We have all lost or are losing our furbabies. We all deal with this differently. I have found that what works for me is coming on here to share my stories or to read stories of others and their furbabies. If sharing stories of Marley helps, please feel free to share. If you just need to vent, we're here. 

[KayC]

@MarleyGinge  

I am so sorry for your loss.  These what ifs are common with grief, it's as if we're trying to rewrite the story so we can come up with a different ending, but the truth is, you likely couldn't have done anything that would have made a difference in the outcome.  If blood was coming out of his mouth, that sounds serious and this is nothing you could have anticipated.  Knowing we do have to take showers, sleep, work, etc. and you couldn't possibly have known this moment would be any different than all the others, I hope you will go easier on yourself.   Much as we want to protect them, save them, take good care of them, keep them forever, it's not ours to call.    Most of the "guilt" we feel in grief is not justifiable, it's just part of our grief.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[MarleyGinge]

@MelsGone @KayC @Furbabies09 @Sarah&Ava @MyMocha thank you all so much for your kindness, it has really helped pull me out of the darkness. Today has definitely been easier than yesterday. I am beginning to accept what happened and can see blaming myself wont bring him back. I will never stop loving and missing my boy, but I know he wouldnt want me to be feeling sad. After all, he was the happiest, most loving ball of fur ever! Maybe I shall try to be more like him big hugs xxxx 

 

[AJWCat]

Just read your post, and am so so sorry for your loss of your sweet guy. I too lost my cat in a similar situation - very out of the blue and not sure what happened exactly or my role in it. It's easy to allow your mind to run wild. We will never know.

I am glad you seem a little better and are not blaming yourself. I found it prevented me from grieving properly. It's bad enough that they are not with us then to cause ourselves even more pain and heartbreak. Hope you are doing okay. 

[Furbabies09]

He was a handsome boy. He looks very happy and loved in that picture. You gave him a great life. I'm glad to hear today was easier. It does get easier but there will still be those moments that make you breakdown. That's ok. Let yourself grieve at that moment. Those moments will become fewer. That doesn't mean you have forgotten him. It just means you have accepted he's gone and now you can smile when you think of him. All those memories that made you feel sad, they will now put a smile on your face. Just take all the time you need. We all go through this process but we go through it differently. Just remember to take care of yourself. 

[KayC]

I love that picture too, he is beautiful.  Any way we can find comfort and make our way through this is to be coveted.

[Eve melboy]

I feel your pain..hope you are coping...i know how you feel to lose a loved wonderful special cat. My dear loving loyal ginger cat had to be put to sleep today at 10 years old....today was awful for him and I'm trying not to torture myself with bad memories when he had 10 happy cuddly loved up years..like you ...im in pain and can't imagine life without him but  wasn't our fur babies so lucky to be loved and adored so deeply ..

[AJWCat]

For me the last couple hours were so horrible it erased the 10 wonderful years we had. I am finally able to have the good memories and not go right to the end.  

It's natural I guess since it's the last thing to happen but eventually we let the last day go and think of all the funny and wonderful times. 

[MarleyGinge]

@Eve melboy apologies for the delayed reply. I am a lot better now thank you. It is a weeks anniversary since he went so I am having a quiet night in with my 2 other cats. It has gotten a lot easier. I have been looking at photos of him a lot and just remembering what a kind, funny boy he was which makes me smile.

I am really sorry to hear about your cat. I hope you are doing OK. It is never easy to let go, whatever the circumstances at least now he is no longer in pain and he is resting peacefully. He loved you lots and yes, was incredibly lucky to have such a caring cat parent! A lot of kitties arent so lucky all the best xx

[MarleyGinge]

@AJWCat Thats exactly how I feel. Everyone always says animals truly live in the moment. And i feel like his last memories of me were not good ones as I couldnt help him. While I was doing the heimlich manouver and trying to open his mouth to see if he was choking I think I just scared him more than anything. However my main comfort is that when he did take his last breath, he was in my arms wrapped in his favourite blanket

Like yourself, my focus is now shifting towards the happy times and Im moving away gradually from the trauma of his last moments. I am glad you were able to move on too xxx

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry you had to go through that. I always pictured (like w/ my other cats) that he's get sick and eventually be pts. It had been a very sad process with my others but it was calm and it was their time. 

My saving thoughts for us both... Thank God it was only a few hours from the moment he was really sick to passing. And we were with them as opposed to finding them later. I hope you are doing okay. I know how much you miss your little guy.