Didn't help her in time - Failed my cat

[AC2731]

Hi,

I need to get this off my chest. I lost my most beloved cat last night and it hurts so bad. She was two when I got her (apparently) and so, was 8 when she passed.

In june my ex left my housebecause he was violent and I couldn't take it anymore. However, he was always nice to my cats, especially her. He was the one who went and got her for me. I saw her picture on a shelter site and fell in love. He left. She started losing weight (don't know when exactly she started losing the weight though). She used to be overweight according to the vet, so I didn't think it was serious. I thought she would adjust to him not being there. The vet had said she should be aroung 8-9 pounds and at the end she was 7 pounds. I saw she was losing energy in december but I put it on the shock of seeing the ex one time and the lost weight. I figured when she would gain it back, she would be fine.

She would do everything she used to. I've never been in the bathroom alone in the past 7 years ;). She still did it on monday. She even jumped on the side of the bathtub like she always has. She never stopped eating, drinking, going to the litter. Her heartbeat was fine. Last week, she was still jumping on the table begging for her "candy". This weekend though, I realized that her fur wasn't what it was and that she had not much energy. Monday I called the vet. He gave me an appointment for Thursday. Yes. Too late. Monday night she was eating and drinking fine. A few weeks back,  I put a few bowls of water around the house so we wouldn't have to walk a long distance to get there. However, yesterday morning, she didn't want her food or water. Didn't even try to open her mouth. I put her on a nice comfy blanket in the living room. I went home from work on lunch time with 3-4 options of food for her. She wasn't interested in any of it and she had peed herself.  I gently washed her with a warm cloth. However, my brain freezed and didn't rush her to the vet. Came home early at 4. She had moved to another blanket. Stayed with her, talking to her, caressing her for about 15-20. Went to get my kid and came back at 5:45. My other cat was nowhere in sight which I knew was bad news. I didn't hear anything when I first got in but then I heard 4 little whining sounds. She was dying and I didn't do anything to help prevent that. I put a nice warm blanket on her. Called my mom. Didn't think she would make it to the emergency but my mom tried to get her there anyway. However, she had passed before leaving my house. In my heart, I knew she wasn't the same and shouldn't have put it on missing someone. It was more than that.

I'm stupid. I should have known. I failed her. She is the reason I'm alive today. She saved me from my depression. And I failed her miserably. Should have gone to the vet as soon as I realized she had lost weight. Maybe it would have been too late even then; coz cat like to hide how sick they are. However, she deserved to go peacefully. Pets have the luxury to go peacefully when their owner are not too stupid to realize they are dying. I feel guilty and always will.

I know I will get judged. And it's fine. I judge myself.

[MyMocha]

Oh what a sad story about your kitty.  You won't be judged here.  We all have had to fight with our own guilty feelings regardless of the circumstances surrounding the loss of our companions.  Blaming ourselves for not doing enough, not ending their suffering before it got bad, asking repeatedly "what if" is just part of the shock and grief when we lose them.  It is so terribly hard, especially right after.  Try to find comfort that you were there at the end and she wasn't alone.  I know from experience that doesn't really feel all that great but maybe in time it will provide some comfort.  From my story of losing my Mocha, she had started losing weight and I had asked her doctor several times about it...they said there wasn't anything we could do. So sometimes even when you try it doesn't change the outcome. I beat myself up everyday for not doing something...now I am just trying to adjust.  I hope you hang out here and read through other's experiences so you can see that we have all had similar feelings and sadness.  It does help to know your among friends who know your pain. hugs

[AC2731]

16 minutes ago, MyMocha said:

Oh what a sad story about your kitty.  You won't be judged here.  We all have had to fight with our own guilty feelings regardless of the circumstances surrounding the loss of our companions.  Blaming ourselves for not doing enough, not ending their suffering before it got bad, asking repeatedly "what if" is just part of the shock and grief when we lose them.  It is so terribly hard, especially right after.  Try to find comfort that you were there at the end and she wasn't alone.  I know from experience that doesn't really feel all that great but maybe in time it will provide some comfort.  From my story of losing my Mocha, she had started losing weight and I had asked her doctor several times about it...they said there wasn't anything we could do. So sometimes even when you try it doesn't change the outcome. I beat myself up everyday for not doing something...now I am just trying to adjust.  I hope you hang out here and read through other's experiences so you can see that we have all had similar feelings and sadness.  It does help to know your among friends who know your pain. hugs

My mom talked to the vet who confirmed she was gone. My dad didn't want me to go. although I'm a grown adult, he knows I would have been hysterical all the way there. So anyway. My mom talked to the vet and when describing how she died, he said it was her heart. So I'm thinking she wasn't in that state long before I arrived, even maybe that hearing me come home triggered her death. I was there to talk to her and reassure her. Also, when my mom told him about the "symptoms" he said that she probably would have needed surgery and quite often, the quality of life afterwards doesn't last long. so it's only to have them suffer once more.

My mom lost her own cat 2 weeks ago. So it was hard for her to witness this last night. My cat passed in her arms, in a warm blanket being held. From what I witnessed, it wasn't that long, still, it was a about 10 minutes. She was breathing slowly. Didn't make other sounds besides the 4 I heard after I got there. Anyway, my mom said she wished her own cat had left that way. It was terrifying for me, mostly because it was my cat but for her, no. She thought it was a nice way to go. Even my daughter didn't realize my cat was dying. She wanted to play with her and I held her back.

I just wish that I could talk to her and she could tell me she's not mad. that she had a great life, lots of love and food and warmth. That the way she went is how it was meant to be and I didn't what I thought was good enough.

hugs

[KayC]

AC,

I'm so sorry you lost your cat.  You don't deserve guilt, it's just something that seems to piggyback on grief.  We don't have the privilege of knowing what's going to happen and of course we hope for the best.  How would you know she would suddenly die?  My cat has gotten so sick a couple of times I was worried she would die but she pulled out of it.  I'm 60+ miles from the vet so I usually wait and see unless it's an emergency...but we don't always know.

Try to focus on the good life you gave her, and yes, you are right, animals disguise how bad they're feeling, part of the survival instinct so they don't make easy prey.

I hope these articles will of of help to you:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss! It is so hard. No one here is judging you at all. We all feel your pain. What you went through, losing your kitty was not your fault. 

[Guest]

No one's going to judge you, you did you're best and clearly loved her, we're not vets and sometimes it's hard to know what's serious and what's not, we all punish ourselves and feel we didn't do enough when really what we are really feeling is the loss of our beloved furbaby and think if we had done something differently they would still be with us and we wouldn't be feeling this overwhelming pain.

[AC2731]

KayC - Thank you so much for the good words and the articles. Read them both. Will reach for them again in the future as I'm not ready yet to forgive myself. It will come, I hope.

AJWCat - Thank you so much! I realize I didn't make her sick, so I didn't kill. I do feel I could have done something sooner. That's the problem I have with the situation. I know I didn't put her through that pain, but I should have done something. She was an angel in a fur coat! Never bit anyone; never. Sweetest angel. I'm so scared I will forget her; I don't want to; I can't.

Sarah&Ava - She was sick once and I rushed her to the vet and they were mad at me that I didn't bring her "sooner" coz they couldn't find anything wrong with her. Was so mad at them. I rushed her as soon as she was sick. How can I know she wasn't sick anymore... So yeah, I guess it made me unsure about vets, but not to the point to not bring her in again. Should have gone before. I did make an appointment; too late. I know it's childish, but I truly wish I would get a sign from her that she's not mad at me. I talk to her all the time to give me that sign and nothing. I guess it doesn't help with the guilt. I know she's safe now, she's in a better place, but I want closure so bad.

 

Again, thank you guys so much for your time and the sweet words!

[KayC]

I hope you get a sign that will bring you peace, keep your mind open, sometimes we think we don't get them when really we don't recognize them, it's hard for them, they try.

[AJWCat]

You will not forget her. In my limited experience, as I am still dealing with my own loss, all of your horrible feelings... guilt, regret, grief and sadness will heal in time. Eventually you are left with all of the wonderful memories. And at least she was safe at home and with you in the end. Many of us do not get that. In every situation no matter how bad it was, we all have something that was positive  to hold onto. 

[Nadine Dewar]

AC2731 dont be hard on yourself you did everything the way it was suppose to go. 

I loss my boy on January 1st. I had him from 2 months old  and when he pass he was 8. I too noticed he was losing weight and since he was over weight I brushed it off.  There were signs but for some reason I didn't panic and take him to the vet.  I truly believe I did what he wanted me to do.  Whose to say that what he was going through could be treated easily or would involve  surgery that he didn't or wouldn't be able to survive. 

You have to know however things play out it is designed to go that way.  What's important is the time,  love and memories that can never be  broken although the body is. This has helped me greatly and I hope these will help you as well. 

[MyMocha]

@AC2731, oh your posts are heartbreaking.  Grief and guilt are so incredibly hard especially mixed with missing our furry friends.  Too many emotions to comprehend and deal with I think.  It's a shame you had an experience like that from a vet.  Look life continues even when our pets get sick.  There are so many reasons to "not get to the vet in time" that it is ridiculous they made you feel that way.  Sometimes we can't do anything even when we want to and try to.  As much as I wish it did money doesn't grow on trees and vet bills add up very fast, our pets don't always get sick during clinic hours, sometimes we are at work, ect ect.  So again, sorry about the comment from the vet that time.  As for your kitty being mad at you...I really don't think that was the case.  She was sick, you did you what you could for her at the time. She wasn't alone in the end dear.  I know how it is when you feel sad and guilty.  It will take time but I don't think your kitty was mad at you.  As for closure, I can only offer hugs.  I don't know how to get closure exactly when it comes from losing a beloved pet. I wish I did though.