My fathers Story

[TeamX76]

Firstly, I have just joined this community after reading several other peoples stories. I would like to offer my sympathies to everyone reading this as you are all here for the same reason I am. We have all lost someone, either it happened years ago or recently that loss is still with us. I feel for all of you, and I would like to offer my ear(or my eyes in this case) to anyone who needs someone to talk to.

I'm posting this topic so that people will know the story and struggle of my father, who sadly passed away on the 31st of July 2010.

My father was a kind and gentle soul, humor till the end, he never complained about his condition unless it was in regards to not being able to do things himself and with his kids, myself and my brother and sister.

15 years ago he was diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis, he was given less than a year but he struggled on to see us grow up, due to his condition he later was diagnosed with MRSA gained from several operations, diabetes, Addisons and last year liver cerroshis. On the 23rd of July my brother, aged 24 got married. The next day my father envoked his advanced directive, he refused treatment and feed, including pain meds. He died a week later.

This shows his strength and power of will and determination to see out his original goals which were to see us grow up and one of us get married. The fact that it only took a week shows that the past 15 years have been a monumental struggle for him. And I thank him for that, so very much. My birthday was on the 9th of august, his funeral was the day after, that however I don't thank him for!(the bastard!!). I'm 23 years of age now, I'm sad you dint see me turn it.

I was very close with my dad, closer than my siblings were and I can honestly say if it wasn't for his illness I would not have been, his condition required us to care for him which he hated very much. We would just tell him to shut up and get on with it, obviously we were happy to care for him.

It was his birthday last week, he would have been 54. I find myself at a complete loss, I spoke with him every day and laughed with him everyday. It's only been just under 2 months and I'm told it's a short time in the scheme of things but it feels like an eternity has passed. I find myself dreading future milestones in my life without him, he gave me strength and courage because of everything he has been through. I'm also very sorry that I am partly responsible for him suffering for 15 years, I feel as if it wasn't for us 3 he would have let go a long time ago.

I also know that thats stupid, and it's not my fault, if anything we were his strength and his motivation to keep going. I'm glad he died on his own terms, at the same time that kills me, that he chose to die.

I would like to finish this letter with a thank you to him:

Dad, thank you for being my dad, and my best friend. Thank you for all that you have given me and the strength and wisdom to live the life I've lived. I hope you are happy where ever you are, I hope grandad hasn't giving you a hiding for choosing to die. Don't worry about us, we will be okay, after all we are your kids. I apologise for being upset, I know you would call me a tart but I can't help that.

I'll think of you every day, every obstacle I have I'll think of your struggle and I'll push on. I miss you very much. All my love, Andrew

[ModKonnie]

Firstly, I have just joined this community after reading several other peoples stories. I would like to offer my sympathies to everyone reading this as you are all here for the same reason I am. We have all lost someone, either it happened years ago or recently that loss is still with us. I feel for all of you, and I would like to offer my ear(or my eyes in this case) to anyone who needs someone to talk to.

I'm posting this topic so that people will know the story and struggle of my father, who sadly passed away on the 31st of July 2010.

My father was a kind and gentle soul, humor till the end, he never complained about his condition unless it was in regards to not being able to do things himself and with his kids, myself and my brother and sister.

15 years ago he was diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis, he was given less than a year but he struggled on to see us grow up, due to his condition he later was diagnosed with MRSA gained from several operations, diabetes, Addisons and last year liver cerroshis. On the 23rd of July my brother, aged 24 got married. The next day my father envoked his advanced directive, he refused treatment and feed, including pain meds. He died a week later.

This shows his strength and power of will and determination to see out his original goals which were to see us grow up and one of us get married. The fact that it only took a week shows that the past 15 years have been a monumental struggle for him. And I thank him for that, so very much. My birthday was on the 9th of august, his funeral was the day after, that however I don't thank him for!(the bastard!!). I'm 23 years of age now, I'm sad you dint see me turn it.

I was very close with my dad, closer than my siblings were and I can honestly say if it wasn't for his illness I would not have been, his condition required us to care for him which he hated very much. We would just tell him to shut up and get on with it, obviously we were happy to care for him.

It was his birthday last week, he would have been 54. I find myself at a complete loss, I spoke with him every day and laughed with him everyday. It's only been just under 2 months and I'm told it's a short time in the scheme of things but it feels like an eternity has passed. I find myself dreading future milestones in my life without him, he gave me strength and courage because of everything he has been through. I'm also very sorry that I am partly responsible for him suffering for 15 years, I feel as if it wasn't for us 3 he would have let go a long time ago.

I also know that thats stupid, and it's not my fault, if anything we were his strength and his motivation to keep going. I'm glad he died on his own terms, at the same time that kills me, that he chose to die.

I would like to finish this letter with a thank you to him:

Dad, thank you for being my dad, and my best friend. Thank you for all that you have given me and the strength and wisdom to live the life I've lived. I hope you are happy where ever you are, I hope grandad hasn't giving you a hiding for choosing to die. Don't worry about us, we will be okay, after all we are your kids. I apologise for being upset, I know you would call me a tart but I can't help that.

I'll think of you every day, every obstacle I have I'll think of your struggle and I'll push on. I miss you very much. All my love, Andrew

Oh Andrew,

What a lovely letter. I am sure he is so proud of you all. Of course he knew you'd be upset, but he did his job well, apparently, and he knew you would be okay. That's so awesome how strong mentally, physically, and emotionally he was.

What a wonderful dad he sounds like. I had a great one, too.

I'd like to welcome you to the boards here. You will find friends, support and encouragement. We are here for you.

ModKonnie

[TeamX76]

Thank you Konnie, I thought I'd give an update, not only will it help me but hopefully will help others too.

Everything is moving on now. selling my dads CD's and records, his house is now up for sale but a lot of work still needs to be done.

I'm having trouble keeping my grieving on a healthy course, I know that his things need to be sold but I keep thinking "nahh we can't sell that for that much, dad loved it, he'd be turning in his grave if he had one.." (cremated)and I'd either be tempted to keep it or up the price It was being sold for even though I A) have no use for it or it's not even worth much. The realization that I'm doing that because he isn't here and it's only to me it means that much to unsettles me, it's a case of sentimental value really and I'm gutted that doesn't transpose to real life and other people(money values and such).

Anyway, emotionally, I'm alright I think. I work alot, everything moves along OK I suppose. Apart from the times where I just want to say "I can't believe he's gone..." which is every night after I get home from work and I'm on my own.

For instance, ive just finished work in which it was a productive shift, caught up with colleagues etc.. Overall good day, I'm now sitting on my sofa not doing anything except for staring at the wall(that is before I decided to write this).

Tired and fed up that one week ends and another begins, I'm tired and fed up that time just won't stop still. I'm annoyed because my grieving feels like a cold in the sense that I just feel rubbish most of the time and that it should go away in a few days.. Then in a few days time I still feel the same and think "yeah.. Because your dad died, it won't simply go away".

To be honest, I keep expecting it to all disappear in a puff of smoke and everythings fine again but obviously that isn't how it works. I know that. I just don't know what to do about it. Accept the truth? I have accepted it.. So... Why am I still surprised/shocked and occasionally forget the tragedy behind it all?

I'm sure other people in my situation have noticed a lack of care towards others. I'm trying not to be like that but sometimes when an individual to whom I'm acquainted to talks about having a tough day I can't help but think "YOU'RE having a tough day?". I'm less forward in conversations as well as less interested most times.

Recently I'm listening to relaxed electronica music, the ambient kind, things like Boards of Canada and Brian eno. The reason is related to the above point - I don't want to hear songs on the radio or otherwise that are A) happy and bubbly sad songs(considering the lyrical genius of some of these songs I would say the boy next door hardly classes as a decent reason to be that stupidly upset) C) any song with lyrics either happy or sad about something I consider to be as important as a toilet book, in fact, a toilet book is more important.

I can't help but feel a lot of people are a waste of space frankly, don't even know they've been born. Spoon fed for their infancy and adulthood, don't even know how lucky they are.

That pretty much ties off my feelings towards others haha, hardly uplifting I know but it's not all doom and gloom!(or is it?)

I haven't spoken to anyone about my feelings really, I'm pretty sure that's where all this negativity/lack of consideration/care has come from because I'm beginning to don a "if they can't be assed talking to me or listening to how **** I feel and what I have going on then good riddance."

Conversing with my friends as standard is fine, nothing wrong with that, the moment I mention my dad in anyway shape or form the expression of "god.. Please don't talk to me about it, I haven't got the time" appears. I don't know if that's just me or if there's anything to it but i just feel even more alone than it already makes me feel.

I'm hoping some or all of this can be related to and ignites a small murmur of a laugh or smile in a kindred individual.

Only one thing left to say. Here is to another day, even though I don't really want to see sunrise(not in any warning lights kind of way, but a "I wish time would stop still" way). May it pass smoothly.

Cheers *raises imaginary glass of squash, good old fruit juices in concentrate*

[ModKonnie]

Thank you Konnie, I thought I'd give an update, not only will it help me but hopefully will help others too.

Everything is moving on now. selling my dads CD's and records, his house is now up for sale but a lot of work still needs to be done.

I'm having trouble keeping my grieving on a healthy course, I know that his things need to be sold but I keep thinking "nahh we can't sell that for that much, dad loved it, he'd be turning in his grave if he had one.." (cremated)and I'd either be tempted to keep it or up the price It was being sold for even though I A) have no use for it or it's not even worth much. The realization that I'm doing that because he isn't here and it's only to me it means that much to unsettles me, it's a case of sentimental value really and I'm gutted that doesn't transpose to real life and other people(money values and such).

Anyway, emotionally, I'm alright I think. I work alot, everything moves along OK I suppose. Apart from the times where I just want to say "I can't believe he's gone..." which is every night after I get home from work and I'm on my own.

For instance, ive just finished work in which it was a productive shift, caught up with colleagues etc.. Overall good day, I'm now sitting on my sofa not doing anything except for staring at the wall(that is before I decided to write this).

Tired and fed up that one week ends and another begins, I'm tired and fed up that time just won't stop still. I'm annoyed because my grieving feels like a cold in the sense that I just feel rubbish most of the time and that it should go away in a few days.. Then in a few days time I still feel the same and think "yeah.. Because your dad died, it won't simply go away".

To be honest, I keep expecting it to all disappear in a puff of smoke and everythings fine again but obviously that isn't how it works. I know that. I just don't know what to do about it. Accept the truth? I have accepted it.. So... Why am I still surprised/shocked and occasionally forget the tragedy behind it all?

I'm sure other people in my situation have noticed a lack of care towards others. I'm trying not to be like that but sometimes when an individual to whom I'm acquainted to talks about having a tough day I can't help but think "YOU'RE having a tough day?". I'm less forward in conversations as well as less interested most times.

Recently I'm listening to relaxed electronica music, the ambient kind, things like Boards of Canada and Brian eno. The reason is related to the above point - I don't want to hear songs on the radio or otherwise that are A) happy and bubbly sad songs(considering the lyrical genius of some of these songs I would say the boy next door hardly classes as a decent reason to be that stupidly upset) C) any song with lyrics either happy or sad about something I consider to be as important as a toilet book, in fact, a toilet book is more important.

I can't help but feel a lot of people are a waste of space frankly, don't even know they've been born. Spoon fed for their infancy and adulthood, don't even know how lucky they are.

That pretty much ties off my feelings towards others haha, hardly uplifting I know but it's not all doom and gloom!(or is it?)

I haven't spoken to anyone about my feelings really, I'm pretty sure that's where all this negativity/lack of consideration/care has come from because I'm beginning to don a "if they can't be assed talking to me or listening to how **** I feel and what I have going on then good riddance."

Conversing with my friends as standard is fine, nothing wrong with that, the moment I mention my dad in anyway shape or form the expression of "god.. Please don't talk to me about it, I haven't got the time" appears. I don't know if that's just me or if there's anything to it but i just feel even more alone than it already makes me feel.

I'm hoping some or all of this can be related to and ignites a small murmur of a laugh or smile in a kindred individual.

Only one thing left to say. Here is to another day, even though I don't really want to see sunrise(not in any warning lights kind of way, but a "I wish time would stop still" way). May it pass smoothly.

Cheers *raises imaginary glass of squash, good old fruit juices in concentrate*

Hi AndyB,

When my father died, I couldn't listen to music at all. Not happy music or any type. It made me literally sick to my stomach and then I got angry. I think that is totally normal. I also didn't do much talking because I suddenly couldn't think of anything to say to people because everything seemed so pointless.

Well, I'm much better now and I think back on track. I can listen to even the saddest of music, although Christmas music is going to be a challenge for me. I have good days and bad days, but I feel "normal" again, although normal is different.

Yeah, it's going to take much longer than "poof" you're whole again.

So, after work, why don't you try to get out and about occasionally, like a walk, or the gym, or the library or mall or supermarket or anywhere where you aren't sitting all alone with only your reflections? Would that help?

ModKonnie

P.S. What is squash? What kind of fruit juices is it? I had a mental image of you drinking actual blended yellow squash--UGGHHHHH!

[TeamX76]

Yeah I know what you mean, my working hours are till 10pm so there's nothing much to do after. I keep myself occupied all day so I'm fine, but occasionally I do have times of reflection. I have plenty of films/entertainment and company which is brilliant to have, it's at the point of going to bed that sucks sometimes.

Squash is fruit cordial, just add water. That kinda thing ^^

Im glad you're able to listen to music again, Im able to listen but I hate more of it than I did before! which I don't really have an issue with to be honest I don't mind not liking rubbish songs haha

[ModKonnie]

Yeah I know what you mean, my working hours are till 10pm so there's nothing much to do after. I keep myself occupied all day so I'm fine, but occasionally I do have times of reflection. I have plenty of films/entertainment and company which is brilliant to have, it's at the point of going to bed that sucks sometimes.

Squash is fruit cordial, just add water. That kinda thing ^^

Im glad you're able to listen to music again, Im able to listen but I hate more of it than I did before! which I don't really have an issue with to be honest I don't mind not liking rubbish songs haha

Would it be out of the question for your doctor to prescribe you a light dose sleep aide? Yeah, half the radio is filled with rubbish songs these days!

ModKonnie