The Loss of My Mom

[nikkikelly04]

Hello my name is Nikki and I am 33 yrs old. My mom was my best friend, we did everything together. She came over on August 18, 2010 to spend the night with me because I was suppose to take her to the airport the next day so she could fly up to San Francisco to meet my dad who was on a Harley run. Well Wednesday night, we made pasta and garlic bread and drank some wine. We had a good time. She played with my kids, her grandchildren, Matthew 4 and Joseph 1. I have a twin brother who stopped by to have dinner with us as well, it was nice. Well the night ended and I went to bed around 1030pm. My mom stayed up watching TV. The next morning my husband told me that they stayed up until about 200am. My husband works nights so he gets home at 130am. He got home and she was still awake, so they had a cocktail together and they talked away like they always did. So since he told me they stayed up so late, I figured I would let her sleep in. I dropped off my son at school at 7am and came back home. I saw that my mom was still sleeping so went upstairs to nap for a while. By 1030am I had to go pick up my son from school. She still wasn't awake. I thought that I had heard something in the bedroom and thought to myself "oh she's getting up" I went to go pick up my son from school, thinking that would give her time to wake up and shower. When I got home the door was still shut. Then I knocked and knocked....nothing.... Mom I said... the more I opened the door the more I saw how discolored she was... I jumped on her trying to do CPR.... nothing, she was just so cold, she had been gone for several hours. I did not shield my little boy Matthew to well, he saw me doing CPR on grandma. I feel horrible for not protecting him better. I felt like someone else at that moment... I screamed for my husband who flew down stairs and he continued CPR... I lost my mother at 56 yrs old due to natural causes they say in her sleep around 3am... I can't even look at the beautiful pictures of her, because I have that Thursday morning, the way she looked stuck in my head... This is a tragic loss to our family. I don't know how to handle all this sadness, my dad, me and my brother. I know I still have to be a wife and a mother, but it is so hard to, I don't know how to accept that she's gone, I want her back so bad it makes me mad... Thank you for listening to me.

[bestyankee]

Hi. My mom died back on July 23, 2010 under totally different circumstances. Dad died just over 3 years ago. I went totally numb both times. The difference this time is my joining a bereavement group. Your loss is much more acute than mine, I believe, because it was so sudden and unexpected. I hope you seek out help in dealing with this - there's a lot of help out there... and you shouldn't have to go through this alone. I don't know if anyone can really handle this kind of stuff alone.

It's good you're reaching out - you've reached out here, and thank you for sharing this all. Keep reaching out, and keep letting yourself grieve when you need to. Everything in your life just changed drastically,in a moment. Just don't shut down and don't isolate. Life goes on and all you or I can do is to try to do the best we can, and it's difficult - but it's OK. The hurt and pain becomes liveable after a while and when you're sitting right in the middle of it, I know it doesn't seem so - but give yourself a break too. It's ok to feel crazy inside but just don't do anything stupid - try to ride it out - you can do this. Hang in there.

[butterfly13]

I am so sorry about your mom.I know how hard it is to accept that she is gone,it was so sudden.I lost my mom who was also my best friend 2yrs.ago.She hadn't been feeling good for about 2months and kept thinking she had the flu.One night my brother called me hysterical telling me she was un-responsive but still alive.I will never forget the sounds I heard her making from over the phone,for months I wasn't able to sleep thinking of how she sounded.She died the next morning in the hospital from total organ failure,she was 59.It was the hardest time of my life.I remember someone telling me that it won't always hurt this much,that it does get at least a little better with time and she was right.I miss my mom every min.of every day.I just live one day at a time now.I honestly believe that I will one day be with her again,it took me a long time to truly believe that but I do now.My heart goes out to you,HUGS!

[ModKonnie]

Hello my name is Nikki and I am 33 yrs old. My mom was my best friend, we did everything together. She came over on August 18, 2010 to spend the night with me because I was suppose to take her to the airport the next day so she could fly up to San Francisco to meet my dad who was on a Harley run. Well Wednesday night, we made pasta and garlic bread and drank some wine. We had a good time. She played with my kids, her grandchildren, Matthew 4 and Joseph 1. I have a twin brother who stopped by to have dinner with us as well, it was nice. Well the night ended and I went to bed around 1030pm. My mom stayed up watching TV. The next morning my husband told me that they stayed up until about 200am. My husband works nights so he gets home at 130am. He got home and she was still awake, so they had a cocktail together and they talked away like they always did. So since he told me they stayed up so late, I figured I would let her sleep in. I dropped off my son at school at 7am and came back home. I saw that my mom was still sleeping so went upstairs to nap for a while. By 1030am I had to go pick up my son from school. She still wasn't awake. I thought that I had heard something in the bedroom and thought to myself "oh she's getting up" I went to go pick up my son from school, thinking that would give her time to wake up and shower. When I got home the door was still shut. Then I knocked and knocked....nothing.... Mom I said... the more I opened the door the more I saw how discolored she was... I jumped on her trying to do CPR.... nothing, she was just so cold, she had been gone for several hours. I did not shield my little boy Matthew to well, he saw me doing CPR on grandma. I feel horrible for not protecting him better. I felt like someone else at that moment... I screamed for my husband who flew down stairs and he continued CPR... I lost my mother at 56 yrs old due to natural causes they say in her sleep around 3am... I can't even look at the beautiful pictures of her, because I have that Thursday morning, the way she looked stuck in my head... This is a tragic loss to our family. I don't know how to handle all this sadness, my dad, me and my brother. I know I still have to be a wife and a mother, but it is so hard to, I don't know how to accept that she's gone, I want her back so bad it makes me mad... Thank you for listening to me.

Oh Nikki,

I am so very sorry about your mother. You didn't do anything wrong by not shielding your son. You were trying to save your mother. He will understand that later. He will be proud of you. In dire emergencies we can't think of everything.

My father died in front of me. We were actually waiting for him to die, but the moment it happened, everyone panicked and began to scream and cry. It was mass pandemonium. In the midst of it, we had sent all the children downstairs (he died at home). No one realized my 11 year old had snuck back upstairs and watched from the doorway. She was just curious and afraid and became too paralyzed to move when she realized exactly what was happening. My brother spied her after a few minutes and screamed at her to get downstairs. She was freaked out more by the scream than anything else. We talked to her later. She appears to have no ill effects from the situation, other than the normal grief of losing her beloved grandpa.

The picture of what my dad looked like after he died has also affected me. It won't leave my head. However, it's been a year, and I can now look at pictures of Dad and smile a little. Other memories of him are also flooding back in, so the awful picture of how he looked laying there is now just flashing through my head like other pictures of him. I am learning to live with it.

Thank you for coming here and sharing. You are more than welcome to post as often as you like and to come here and simply read. Others here can offer you support and encouragement as you travel through this difficult journey.

We will be here when you need us,

Konnie