Members June Posted March 26, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 26, 2018 On 3/21/2018 at 12:11 AM, Michelene said: we always got our appointments together, and this time it was just me. We always went together for years too. At least his doctors and my doctors are not the same so I don't have to go thru that. I have had to go to the same office of one of his prior neurologists - I'm helping with my aunt - taking her to her doctors etc. I just tried not to think about where I was - and I didn't see his old doctor thankfully Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 26, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted March 26, 2018 June, I totally get that, I'm glad you didn't have to run into his old doctor. I remember the first time I had to go to the hospital George died in, I couldn't stop crying, I was there to see my friend's husband and could not stop the tears, fortunately they understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted March 28, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2018 The hits keep coming. My daughter’s car broke down 25 minutes from home. Tow driver thinks it’s the engine. Great! (That’s sarcasm ) i know i can call people to do the jobs my husband use to do but i don’t understand why the **** keeps hitting the fan. When i share the continuous streak of bad luck i seem to be having, i almost start to laugh.ive always been the optimist, glass half full kinda girl but My faith keeps getting testing. I pray every night for the strength to get through a day but it seems to be getting tougher. Just venting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members June Posted March 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2018 On 3/26/2018 at 8:45 AM, KayC said: June, I totally get that, I'm glad you didn't have to run into his old doctor. I remember the first time I had to go to the hospital George died in, I couldn't stop crying, I was there to see my friend's husband and could not stop the tears, fortunately they understood. I will probably see his primary doctor at some point. My niece is his office manager. He actually brought him back when he went into respiratory arrest. He also came to the visitation at the funeral home. He has been like family. I went back to the hospital about a month later to take cookies to the ED staff, the ICU staff, the respiratory staff and the nursing staff on his floor. It's a small hospital. So many of them knew us pretty well from the many times he was a patient there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 28, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted March 28, 2018 Several years after my husband died, my GF was at the hospital with her husband and the nurse that was so good to George asked how I was. I was so surprised that she'd even remember with all of the patients she deals with day in and day out! It meant a lot to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted March 30, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2018 @KayC how nice that she remembered. Some people are just special. my pastor came to visit to check in. We had some laughs. He told me that my husband always spoke of his love for me. And that i saved him. He said if i was ever down and missing my husband, to text him and he would call me back and say “Thomas loved you”. I was talking with him how i miss hearing this. How i remember the arguments and stupid stuff but I’m having a hard time remembering the day to day things. Life is always busy and we never slowed down. Now i wish i had but of course there’s no do overs. Happy Easter / Passover to all who celebrate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 30, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted March 30, 2018 I'm going to my son's in a couple of hours, but will be alone on Easter. Wish I could hear from my daughter. Sigh... Your pastor sounds really special, I'm glad you have him. You know what is really special to me now was an ordinary day in our life then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted March 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2018 would love to experience an ordinary day. so accurate of a feeling. a dream. a hope.....a loss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted April 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 2, 2018 On 3/30/2018 at 5:38 AM, Sunflower2 said: would love to experience an ordinary day. so accurate of a feeling. a dream. a hope.....a loss Life "before" and now life "after" our losses are so defined.... it's different like day and night. It's like a big black permanent marker drawn onto the ground. We all know what our life was before. Now, we carry a broken heart and the aching pain of grief each day for the rest of our life. Ordinary doesn't exist for us anymore. It's been so painful that I forgot how my "ordinary life" was before. I literally miss that as much as my wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 3, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 3, 2018 Our "ordinary" before was so much greater than our best day is now, that is for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted April 4, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2018 I didn’t hear from anyone on my husband’s side on Easter except for my sister in law. She’s been great. When she messaged me on Easter evening, i was having a pity party. Truthfully, i had a nice day with my sister and my family. It wasn’t until nighttime when i started feeling bad. I ended up sending my brother in law a text the next day saying i was thinking of him and hoped he had a good Easter. He messaged back saying he was thinking of me and missing Thomas. My husband was his best friend. I know he is hurting too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted April 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2018 each day it's the realizing I'm on my own even with the support. This we know. I hate it as we all hate it. Feeling like I have no skin and can be easily punctured. That's how it is regardless of how strong I was prior to this loss. Vulnerability is high and I know its important to stay in safe spaces with safe people. Not even the free spirited person I thought I was in another lifetime. The other life time is my life with Wayne. venturing slowly into newness with no skin is becoming an extreme pay attention scenario. Yesterday I ventured out into an old space solo again, This time there was clarity that even with the excitement I was feeling sadness and pain. The two were resisting each other and I actually felt myself observing this that when I realized if the pain took over I'd head home an emotional mess and if the joy took over Id be in denial. I found myself having to allow these two extremes to intertwine. I didn't like it but it had to happen. Life is different. Its long being stuck in intermission. The challenge ended up calm ...the sadness and joy were balanced but dull. That must be the new new beginning to emerge and it sucks!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 5, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 5, 2018 It is different, that's for sure. I didn't hear from anyone on Easter, all too quiet, I worked until after 5 pm, came home to a piece of chicken and Kale smoothie, weird to view it as a day like any other, but that's kind of what our life has become, without the highs of having them in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted April 6, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2018 Today marks 5 months since my husband’s passing. I’m not sure what I’m suppose to feel. I dread the 6th of the month because i know it’s significant but today i woke up feeling different. I decided to celebrate me! I have survived 5 months without him. I’ve made decisions, continued working, sought help for my grief, planned a vacation and many other things that i thought impossible. I miss my husband more than i ever imagined possible. But i know he is cheering me on and guiding me. Today i will embrace this feelings knowing that Tomorrow it could all change! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 6, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 6, 2018 I choose to view the passing markings of time as points of survival, it indicates to me that I am making it, rather than looking back at it as "it's been such and such time since I've seen him" which is a downer...it's been almost 13 years for me, hard for me to believe he's been gone that long, but I know I have to do this the rest of my life...I also know that our lifespan here is but a blink in time compared to all eternity that we will have together when at last we are reunited. I just think how wonderful that reunion time will be! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted April 6, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2018 Yes it will be! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted April 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2018 On 4/5/2018 at 6:08 AM, KayC said: It is different, that's for sure. I didn't hear from anyone on Easter, all too quiet, I worked until after 5 pm, came home to a piece of chicken and Kale smoothie, weird to view it as a day like any other, but that's kind of what our life has become, without the highs of having them in it. I absolutely feel this way. There is no excitement. There is no joy. As you say, there are no highs in our days anymore. It just reminds me of how I am existing just to exist. For all I care, I've pretty much died too. Except that I'm locked in a body that I cannot move on from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted April 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2018 6 hours ago, Lisaislost said: Today marks 5 months since my husband’s passing. I’m not sure what I’m suppose to feel. I dread the 6th of the month because i know it’s significant but today i woke up feeling different. I decided to celebrate me! I have survived 5 months without him. I’ve made decisions, continued working, sought help for my grief, planned a vacation and many other things that i thought impossible. I miss my husband more than i ever imagined possible. But i know he is cheering me on and guiding me. Today i will embrace this feelings knowing that Tomorrow it could all change! Lisa. I understand how you feel. My suggestion would to have something on your schedule for that 6 month mark. Perhaps it's spending time with family or friends. It doesn't have to be anything formal. But have a good rough plan for that day so you don't wake up, having nothing to do, but to face the grief. I'm sorry and I'm sending you love and strength to help you make it through this upcoming day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted April 6, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2018 @Azipod good idea! Our anniversary is actually the 20th of this month so I’m going to visit my brother in North Carolina with our girls. I thought it would be a good distraction. Maybe a few college visits and a trip to the beach. We were all going to go down this summer to tour colleges so I’m following through with our plans. Im looking forward to going away and seeing my brother . I know the anniversary will be hard no matter where i am but i will get through. Thank you for your kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 7, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 7, 2018 I agree, even though it's not the one year anv. of death, six months is significant. I like this one:https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/in-grief-dreading-anniversary-date-of.html And this one gives tips...https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/coping-with-anniversary-reactions-in.html This one gets into dealing with Special Days (like our anniversary or Valentine's Day):https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/02/grief-rituals-can-help-on-valentines.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted April 7, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 7, 2018 8 minutes ago, KayC said: I agree, even though it's not the one year anv. of death, six months is significant. I like this one:https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/in-grief-dreading-anniversary-date-of.html And this one gives tips...https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/coping-with-anniversary-reactions-in.html This one gets into dealing with Special Days (like our anniversary or Valentine's Day):https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/02/grief-rituals-can-help-on-valentines.html thank you. Just did a save. This is one of several areas where I'm still stuck. Right now it's surviving and trying to keep some momentum of hope. Just planning day to day focus and entering the summer season is exhausting. Summer was our anniversary. Seasons can be anniversaries. Trying to plan out the summer with some events and people connections. Comfortable events with safe people. This morning I made it out of bed because my need for coffee was so intoxicating. That was my beginning of the day to resist the urge to crawl back into bed with the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and the wanting to be here without Wayne. I keep hearing about this 6 month mark??? Suppose to be where the harsh reality begins to hit even though people experience grief differently there is a harsh reality surfacing and I don't like it yet I don't want to run from it. The process IS complex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 8, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 8, 2018 Yes you're right about the six month mark although it can hit at five months or seven or some other time. I was six months at Christmas and oh man was that hard, as if surviving Christmas without him wasn't hard enough! Thankfully my kids were here, they don't come here any more, busy with their own lives/families. Coffee...keeping me going. Slept three hours last night, it's pouring rain like buckets, I have to make 110 mile round trip this morning to take someone to Emergency (hospital) where we'll sit for hours waiting for help. Want it to be over and back home again. Yes, crawling back into bed again, like you said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted April 15, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted April 15, 2018 So, I’ve been alone for a few hours. I decided that i could do it. My daughters wanted to go out but would’ve stayed if i told them to. I felt that i could do it and I’ve actually been ok. I had a lot of laundry to catch up on. Also some bills to pay. It is very quiet here but i have my dog. Feeling accomplished and a little alone but tomorrow is another day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 15, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 15, 2018 I hope you are able to view that as a victory of a sorts. I remember the first time I got groceries, it was hard, but I did it. My husband and I always made the 100 mile trip together (I live in the country) and when he died, I just couldn't do it, my daughter had to do the grocery shopping for me. It took a while before I was able to do that on my own. Being on your own at first is hard, you focused on what you had to do...and I'm glad you have your dog, me too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted April 15, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 15, 2018 1 hour ago, KayC said: I hope you are able to view that as a victory of a sorts. I remember the first time I got groceries, it was hard, but I did it. My husband and I always made the 100 mile trip together (I live in the country) and when he died, I just couldn't do it, my daughter had to do the grocery shopping for me. It took a while before I was able to do that on my own. Being on your own at first is hard, you focused on what you had to do...and I'm glad you have your dog, me too. those grocery tips were the most unexpected horrible experiences to begin to tackle. One of many but never even thought of that. Switched days. Switched times. Switched markets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted April 15, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted April 15, 2018 I do feel accomplished! It is good to feel productive at home. In my job i haven’t missed a beat ( well not totally true but you know what i mean) but at home, I’ve been letting things slide. One day a time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted April 16, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2018 21 hours ago, Lisaislost said: I do feel accomplished! It is good to feel productive at home. In my job i haven’t missed a beat ( well not totally true but you know what i mean) but at home, I’ve been letting things slide. One day a time! sometimes its one moment at time. I noticed yesterday the amount of "stuff" I've put on the back burner. I'm slowly trying to balance what I've let slide with what has to be addressed. I put tiny dents into those "responsibilities" and that's the best I can do for now. Keeping up gives me a sense of feeling in control. Its hard to keep up which is making me realize how very little I have control over. So I take on tiny things/projects that are needed and for that moment control is restored through accomplishments and we it there is a calm peaceful feeling. Its also helpful knowing this is how grief is as other people experience this. He is so missed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted April 18, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 18, 2018 On 4/15/2018 at 8:06 AM, Lisaislost said: I do feel accomplished! It is good to feel productive at home. In my job i haven’t missed a beat ( well not totally true but you know what i mean) but at home, I’ve been letting things slide. One day a time! I've been letting a lot of things slide too. For example, I've picked up a number of grief books in my earlier months and I've actually been so busy that I haven't been finding time to read them. Well.... I just tell myself that I have PLENTY OF TIME during the rest of my life to get to them. No worries! I'll always have grief and those books will be here when I want to read them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Skywise Posted April 18, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 18, 2018 I'm actually having a load of work done on the house and garden at the moment. It's all stuff Clive was going to do before he became I'll and I've just let it slide until now. Everyone thinks I'm doing terribly well and starting to move on. Only I know that I'm getting the house sorted so it'll be easier to sell when I'm not here anymore and because Clive loved this house so much I want him to be proud of it when people come here - does that sound demented of me? It probably does but it's how I'm thinking these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted April 18, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted April 18, 2018 1 hour ago, Skywise said: Everyone thinks I'm doing terribly well and starting to move on. It’s funny you say that. I was just looking at my yard and it’s taken a hit with all the storms this winter. I was thinking of hiring a landscaper but thought the same thing. The disheveled yard is symbolic of my life right now. If it’s a neat and tidy with colorful flowers blooming, will i feel better or worse ? Will people think I’m “ better”? Still weighing what to do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 18, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 18, 2018 I guess I don't really care what people think. No one else lives my life but me. What does it matter what others think? I do what I can for myself, I hire what I can done, and the rest can slide, I prioritize. There's a lot of work for an old place and I'm 65, can't do everything myself. If this place sells as a fixer upper after I'm gone, what does it matter? I'm aging, so is it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted April 28, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2018 It looks like we have lost some posts . I’m just back from North Carolina with my daughters. We did some college visits and spent time with my brother. The real reason was that i didn’t want to be home for my anniversary. Have to say, I’m so fortunate to have been busy. My daughters and i spent my entire anniversary visiting colleges and the beach. I was so busy i didn’t have time to think until bedtime. I know my husband was with us as we were just talking about touring colleges before he died. Trying to plan another trip for my birthday. I miss him so much but i know i can move forward and be there for our girls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 28, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 28, 2018 There's no way to "re-create" these posts, they're just gone. They came from the heart, from pain, from sharing what we're learning, can't recapture that moment, just go forward from here. I'm sorry to those whose recent losses were documented and lost. Please keep coming here, in 13 years of being on grief forums, this is a first and hopefully the only time this has happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted April 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2018 14 hours ago, Lisaislost said: It looks like we have lost some posts . I’m just back from North Carolina with my daughters. We did some college visits and spent time with my brother. The real reason was that i didn’t want to be home for my anniversary. Have to say, I’m so fortunate to have been busy. My daughters and i spent my entire anniversary visiting colleges and the beach. I was so busy i didn’t have time to think until bedtime. I know my husband was with us as we were just talking about touring colleges before he died. Trying to plan another trip for my birthday. I miss him so much but i know i can move forward and be there for our girls. I'm still struggling with what to plan on anniversaries. I'm scheduling in more than I feel I every had to do. It's definitely different! i'll work through it the best I can and when I stumble on a plan that doesn't work out I'll learn from it. We have to move forward the best we can one baby step at a time......Like your shared ideas. It helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 28, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted April 28, 2018 Even though this was written for Valentine's Day, I find the suggestions helpful for anniversaries too. https://www.opentohope.com/waiting-for-biophoto-of-marty-remembering-our-loved-ones-on-valentines-day/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted May 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 2, 2018 On 4/18/2018 at 3:59 AM, Lisaislost said: It’s funny you say that. I was just looking at my yard and it’s taken a hit with all the storms this winter. I was thinking of hiring a landscaper but thought the same thing. The disheveled yard is symbolic of my life right now. If it’s a neat and tidy with colorful flowers blooming, will i feel better or worse ? Will people think I’m “ better”? Still weighing what to do! There are certain things I still need to straighten out in my life too. But I've also realized that I have time. Plenty of it. If I have everything nice and neat, what am I going to do with the rest of my time? I'd say do what you are comfortable with. There's no rush to tidy everything up. Our lives will never be tidy.... never again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted May 5, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted May 5, 2018 @Azipod perfect statement, our lives will never be tidy again. I found a good landscaping company and they also do property management and snow plowing. Hopefully, that will help alleviate some of that stress. I guess i fully understand the waves of emotions. Last weekend, i sat on my couch and didn’t move. I watched tv and did things i had to do like schoolwork and feeding the dog but i was sad. Not crying, just blue. This weekend, i woke up ready to clean and organize and i finally sat down at 5pm to watch the Celtics. I have no explanation for this, i guess it’s just grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted May 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 6, 2018 On 5/1/2018 at 9:00 PM, Azipod said: There are certain things I still need to straighten out in my life too. But I've also realized that I have time. Plenty of it. If I have everything nice and neat, what am I going to do with the rest of my time? I'd say do what you are comfortable with. There's no rush to tidy everything up. Our lives will never be tidy.... never again. just realizing last night how this place no longer has much in organized order. Everything had a place...a file....now everything is finding new places...countertops, the floor etc. It actually looks very lived in...yet it does create some anxiety. Then I say what's the rush. My life isn't normal anymore and adjusting to a new normal is exhausting on days I even attempt the new normal. I met with the attorney to get the new trust set up. Its done but the follow up has been set aside....the follow-up is critical but I needed to set it aside emotionally. I did add a couple pots of pansies on the deck as a reminder that I'm still alive and the pop of color does bring moments of a different joy. beyond that those efforts will be minimum unless a surge hits for a moment. last night we had lots of lightening. It was a grief trigger. I actually kept going out and looking up at the sky trying to feel...trying to find Wayne., Trying to connect and integrate our connection in the new non physical. the sadness of that reality was overwhelming, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted May 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 6, 2018 the post above is the one I posted awhile back when it disappeared from the screen . Now it pops back as being restored. 19 hours ago, Lisaislost said: I guess i fully understand the waves of emotions. Last weekend, i sat on my couch and didn’t move. I watched tv and did things i had to do like schoolwork and feeding the dog but i was sad. Not crying, just blue. This weekend, i woke up ready to clean and organize and i finally sat down at 5pm to watch the Celtics. I have no explanation for this, i guess it’s just grief. I experienced this yesterday. I started off the morning by being "productive" with outdoor cleanup and planting. the grief was engulfing even though I was physically moving. I found myself resisting the work, angry, resentment...miserable. I stopped and refocused.. Instead of being driven with anger to complete this project I removed the "project"thought and visualized the work as meditative therapy which meant movement at a slow pace instead of manic. I searched within to capture the calm I use to feel when doing this. I found that calm space. I finished with what I set out to do. within a few hours I locked myself out.....the wind created it. I was outside with no cell phone in an area where there has been a 3/4 change of neighbors who I don't know...I worked it and was able to get a key from a friends house. I had no energy left so I allowed the grief to sit and did exactly as you did. I simply came in and felt the grief and the loss. it was deep and awful but it lifted in a few hours. As you posted, "its grief" and it was going to visit whether I wanted it to or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 7, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted May 7, 2018 Wow, you actually had a lost post show back up?! None of mine have. I lost some from losing my granddoggy but tried rewriting it, it's not the same of course. It's good you were able to find that calm space and sit with your grief. The only way through this is THROUGH it, not avoiding it, it is in experiencing it and letting it ebb and flow that we process it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted May 7, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 7, 2018 @KayC it was a post I was sending hen blacklisted. I was shocked wen it popped back in a few days later. A rewrite as you said is never the same. 5 hours ago, KayC said: It's good you were able to find that calm space and sit with your grief. The only way through this is THROUGH it, not avoiding it, it is in experiencing it and letting it ebb and flow that we process it I understand but oh do I hate being in that place. It is the most wicked overwhelming place I've ever experienced. As we all know. I do appreciate the reminder ! The storm> the calm yet even with the calm it is different, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 8, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted May 8, 2018 Funny I never heard back from the administration about this blacklist thing. I hope we don't ever go through that again. I guess they don't understand how upsetting and helpless that felt. This is a pretty emotional site, I mean it's not like a wood stove site or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted May 8, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2018 1 hour ago, KayC said: Funny I never heard back from the administration about this blacklist thing. I hope we don't ever go through that again. I guess they don't understand how upsetting and helpless that felt. This is a pretty emotional site, I mean it's not like a wood stove site or something. we can only see what happens. the blacklist scenario was a "oh my gosh..panic." it like trying to grab out to an empty space...and there isn't anything to grab onto to reconnect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted May 21, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 21, 2018 On 5/6/2018 at 11:06 AM, Sunflower2 said: the sadness of that reality was overwhelming, Very true. And that's my problem. I can tolerate my grief these days. It doesn't sink me down to my knees. But boy.... and I'm sad and feel empty. I still do feel that my life is gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted May 21, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 21, 2018 On 5/5/2018 at 3:48 PM, Lisaislost said: @Azipod perfect statement, our lives will never be tidy again. I found a good landscaping company and they also do property management and snow plowing. Hopefully, that will help alleviate some of that stress. I guess i fully understand the waves of emotions. Last weekend, i sat on my couch and didn’t move. I watched tv and did things i had to do like schoolwork and feeding the dog but i was sad. Not crying, just blue. This weekend, i woke up ready to clean and organize and i finally sat down at 5pm to watch the Celtics. I have no explanation for this, i guess it’s just grief. Yes. Everything is a chore. It's just going through the motions because we know we need to have certain things done. Life is sad. I will be like this for a LONG TIME to say the least. I'd give anything these days for someone to tell me that I'm terminally ill. I think I'm ready to go. I always tell myself that my work is done here on earth.... but I think the universal will say otherwise. It's scary for me to think about how many decades I have left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted June 2, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2018 I haven’t posted lately but i have been reading posts every day. I’m a teacher and the last few weeks are a whirlwind. Now I’m panicking about what to do this summer. I already hate weekends, how will i handle 2 plus months. There’s only so much cleaning and organizing you can do. This will be my first summer without him. He always helped me with a project or 2. Im looking into taking some more graduate classes but i hope i can focus. Crafts don’t interest me. Gardening does nothing for me either. Any thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nely Posted June 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2018 On 12/12/2017 at 5:02 AM, Azipod said: Survivors guilt is common and it is normal to feel this way. Unfortunately, there are many challenges in life and for most of us, we are distracted in our every day duties that we neglect to think about the most important person in our life. I'm sure everyone here feels the same way as you do .... we all wish that we spent more time and gave our partners more attention while they were alive. I'm certainly one of these people. The way to look at any feelings of guilt, is to concentrate your thoughts on the intentions. Because if we think about our underlying intentions, we will quickly realize that 9 out of 10 times, we did what we did out of love. And if it's out of love, there is nothing to be guilty about. This ministered deep to me. I will keep this in mind for those ugly moments when the guilt feeling shows up. Thank you for these words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 3, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 Lisa, I found it really hard to focus that summer following his death, I was still frantic. Perhaps spend time on your grief, seeing a grief counselor, attending a grief support group, working through your grief. Your grief is still so early in, but only you know whether you could handle graduate classes now or not. I found myself making mistakes at work, something I never did before, it was hard to think, let alone carry on what I had to do. Be really patient and understanding of yourself. I've heard it said it's around six months that reality sets in, you're not much past that time frame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted June 3, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 @KayC good advice as always! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted June 7, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 7, 2018 Today marks 7 months . It seems like forever and just yesterday. I went to sleep a married woman next to my husband and woke up with him gone next to me. I’m sad today. I haven’t been this sad for awhile. My daughter is a jr in high school and i found out she is getting an award next week. I guess it hit me. I’m nervous about seeing people at the ceremony . Will i break down if they speak to me? The end of a school year marks the end of the journey I’ve had with my students. They will never know how much normalcy they provided to my upside down world. I will miss them. Yes @KayC June is a tough month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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