How do I go on.

[herbal47]

  I have recently lost my son 26 year - RCMP officer - boat capsized.   His body has not yet been recovered (15 days later).  His memorial service is on August 4, 2010 which is also his 27th birthday.   His wife is due to have their baby in 7 weeks.   My husband and I are at our wits end and do not know what to do, what to say.  We are still numb.    Can anyone help us.   talk to us, share their story.   Our lives will never be the same.   We have experienced lots of tragedy in our life - death of his brother, shooting, death of father, house fire, cancer....  Not sure how to handle this.   We are grief stricken.

[westleysmom]

My name is Rhonda.  I am so sorry for your loss and for the fact that your son's body has not been recovered.  My 20 year old son Westley died in his sleep on Jan 13 2010, 6 months before your son.  I know that I was in shock and total denial for a large part of the first days after.  I don't know how I made it through them.  Westley's 21st birthday was two days after his funeral.  I mostly sat on the back porch and rocked back and forth.  My husband went back to work, he owns his own business and kinda had to.  But he came home early to be with me.  I wish I had the answer to your grief, but I do not.  I know that I have been comforted by the friends I have made on "Loss of Adult Child" thread, which is the most active and usually at the top of the screen when I log on.  Everyone over there knows what you're going through, at least with the loss of your son, which sounds like only the most recent loss that you have suffered.  I hope that you can come over there, if you do, just hit "reply" button at top of page and introduce yourself to the board.  They (we) will welcome you with open arms and listen to your story and tell you ours. 

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[shorty16]

Herbal47

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in the right place.  My 16 year old son, Brian decided to climb on the hood of a car and his "friend" drove 68 mph into a tree.  Brian hit the ground and died within minutes.  The "friend" in now a convicted felon.  The crash scene is 1/4 mile from our home.

It has been 2 years and it still hurts - not as much as it did in the beginning.  All our angels will be around you on Aug 4th.  You will be able to feel them - holding you up.  Your son is in good company in heaven.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[krichie]

I am so sorry about your son.

I lost my son Richie 10/5/09 to a drunk driver, we are fast approaching the first year mark of his death and I am back to square one. It seems like just yesturday. My bills are not being paid or household chores being done. I am numb and hurting all the time. I thaught I was healing and doing ok for a while not crying as much but now it is back to crying daily, hourly.

I am sure since there was no body that you don't really have the since of closure, but you have reached out to the right place the people here are wonderful and there children are as well.

Just drop in and post your thaughts and feelings let them out, we all have them too. I just joined a little over a week ago and it is nice to write and talk about my boy Richie

[jefferysmommy]

Herbal47,

I am so sorry for your loss, I have found that coming to loss of an adult child has helped me tremendously, I just recently joined, though I lost my baby boy Jeffery to SIDS in January of 1996.

Everybody's journey is different, and will be tough, and you have been through so much already, I hope that you find solace in these pages.

The saddest of welcomes, but I am glad that you found your way here.

Jenn - Jeffery's Mommy

[Guest]

herbal47 - I offer you the saddest of welcomes.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.  How tragic that they haven't found his body, yet.  And, compounding the sorrow is the fact you've lost another child and so many other losses.  I have no wise words to offer.  Only my deepest condolences!

Please join us on loss of an adult child thread.  It's a more active thread and you will receive more support there.  The people who have already welcomed you, post there as well.

My daughter, Stephanie, died at the age of 28 on August 9, 2009, from injuries sustained in an ATV accident.  The people on the adult child thread have literally saved my life.  There is no judgement there.  No rights or wrongs.  There is at least one, that I know of, who has also lost two children. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[josephsmom90]

Herbal47,

You have my deepest sympathy! I have no wise words as to how to deal with this. I think we all do it differently. This is a moment by moment process in the beginning. Anniversary dates, holidays and such are also moments. It is a fog, a time of shock. Draw near to those who love you. I lost my 19 yr old son June of 09 and have had no support at all. I've had no one to talk to and it's remained the same until I found this page. I go on a long time in my posts and am thankful no one shuts me down. My son was found by his brothers, my then 15 yr old (the youngest) and Joseph's 19 yr old twin. He'd been missing six days. The find was horrific. He'd drown according to the autopsy reports but there is a lot of other stuff, questions, odd things that have never been answered. It is as if they just wanted to get a quickie answer to get one more case off their desks. so it was done. You and your family, as the rest are in my prayers. Peace.

Elaine

[herbal47]

Thanks Elaine, sorry about your son.   My son Michael's dream was to become and RCMP officer - he studied very hard, did everything imaginable to achieve his goal.  Before he went to RCMP training depot , he married the love of his life, they had dated for 5 years and decided to get married.  they married August 30, 2008.  After training - he then became an RCMP officer.  He was posted in the Yukon, - first Watson Lake and then Mayo, Yukon.   In February 2010 , we received a call that we (my husband Mark and I) were going to be grandparents.  The baby is due the 15 of September 2010.   This child will not even get to know his father - Michael was an incredible human being.    He and Allison came home in May for a visit as well as they were made of honor and groomsman in their friends wedding.  the time with them was precious - he was so excited to be a Dad.  We had a surprise baby shower for them.    On july 13th, he and his corporal were in the boat on the Stewart River and the boat was giving them trouble, the Corporal headed into shore when the boat started to take on water - suddenly the boat capsized and the 15 mile an hour current took the boat with the Corporal handing on down the river.   Michael decided to swim to shore - he was 20 feet from shore - a witness sent a boat down the river and asked Michael do you need help - he said no I am nearly on shore, save my partner he cannot swim.   His body has been missing since July 13, 2010.  We received a call at 3:00 am today - his body has been recovered.  We can now have some clousure.  My husband has had alot of tradegy since the age of 17 - his 16 year old brother was killed in a car accident - an over loaded cement truk overturned on their car - his brother Michael was killed at 16.  Our son was named after him.   Mark was a victim of a terrible highschool shooting in 1976 - nearly died.   His family home caught on fire.   His father died in 1999.   In 2005 he was diagnosed with Cancer - currently in active (yeh) and now our son ihas drowned at the age of 26.   The memorial/funeral is on August 4 - this is actully Michaels birthday.   My husband has now decided he does not need anyone - this includes me and our other son - age 23.    I am sorry for going on... I have not said so much in two weeks as I have today.  Thanks for listening.   God Bless you and your family......Patti

[josephsmom90]

Patti,

Again, I'm so sorry. I am glad they located Michael though. That is my youngest boys name, no Mike, but Michael and especially for me. Michael found his brother first, his older brother Daniel, (Joseph's twin) was with him though. And this after six days in hot Utah sun and water. A place my mind does not go. I won't allow it. I see your husband is no stranger to adversity, nor am I. But I will say I've had ENOUGH! Battered, abused, molested, caged, tied to beds, beaten, and more by the people who gave birth to me. Then after being on my own since 14, a child at age 17, who was planned by both of us. I had no parents to sign for me to marry so we decided we'd get married when I turned 18 but we didn't make it. The father's family took the baby from me, WHY? because I left the dad, they with the help of one of MY sisters, who was a doper, biker wanna be and 16 yrs old with my son's father's brother, who was 25! He got her pregnant when she was 15... Anyway because no one had 'custody' the police would not help me at all. I was literally told "you can snatch that boy back and fourth till hell freezes over, and until someone has custody we can't get involved." SO it took me four years to land a job where I could afford a lawyer. I could not even visit John without four other adults, his dad's family present. John my oldest was raised to steal, cheat, lie, hurt, beat women and a whole host of other garbage. He now sits in jail abating a sentence of 8-50 yrs because of the lousy life choices HE makes. Though he came up hard, I understand that. It is NOT an automatic failure though. It is what HE chooses. So that was the first um 20 some years. I married in 88 and thought we were going to make it fine, I had a good job and so did he, we had three boys, the twins in 90 and Michael in 94. Steve, me ex, did not want any more children after the twins. I had serious issues with having my tubes tied, primarily for spiritual reasons. His response to me was, and I quote "I PRIDE myself on never having been cut on." So in the end I got pg with Michael. I recall the very day of conception, lol, i just knew it was so... His statement "well if it is, it's what the Lord wanted." Ya?? what about you? Anyway, over the yrs I parented him, unknowingly though. It was something he made me aware of. He threw a kitchen table at me, that act killed our marrige, that and his porn stuff, strip bars, travel with who knows what/where including an incident in New Orleans where it was evident he had a prostitute. So..... we separated in 99. Nine months later, I was almost killed on my motorcycle. I was in a comma, we were not divorced either, just separated. I was hospitals two months with no memories of it at all. Went home in a wheel chair with the twins and Michael, they were 8 & 5. I was home bound for 8 months and endured many surgeries in the process. My then husband never offered a hand to us. Instead he threatened me, "if you take me to court for asset division, I'll ask for the boys." Then I had to explain that to an 9 yr old as Daniel had over heard him say it. It took seven years to put me back together again. I have lost memories of my past life in general, this is especially upsetting with losing Joseph! All my memories of him are so precious! Due to my physical limitations I am severely restricted where employment is concerned. I cannot do ANY manual labor, that includes stuff like vacuuming, lifting anything over 5# with my right arm and so on. So I went after work with an education. Got my B.S. and look what happens to the economy? DEVASTATING! There's more, but that is the gist of it. I dunno, like I said, I can't take anymore and don't want it. I do rely on God, have a good relationship with him, I don't drink, do drugs or even date. I live a very quiet life, most of the time I just stay home. Though I'd really like to use my education and am planning on seeking my Masters. Joseph and I had a thing going about education. He got his AA when he was 15-17 yrs old. So we would banter about it. But ya know, when I got the degree in the mail, I cried, it was hollow without him. Meanwhile, I stay grounded by prayer and reading the bible, the one I gave Joseph. I wear his cross on my neck and never take it off. Those were the only two things I wanted of his things. The scavengers, buzzards, "his friends" took off with almost everything else and his dad just let them. Pretty sad state of affairs.

I am sorry your husband feels like withdrawing, I think that might be normal, time, space, and understanding might be the keys there. I know I sure don't feel like opening up to anyone. This is the most I've done anywhere. And its been a yr.

God bless that lil grand baby! THAT IS SUPER,  A BLESSING. And just so you know, I pray for you guys on this site twice a day, and of course for you and your family. God Bless.

Elaine

[westleysmom]

Patti

I am sorry that your husband is hurting so bad that he feels he needs to shut everyone out.  Everyone deals with loss differently, and he has been through a lot.  Maybe time will help him to see that we can be there for each other, although we all grieve alone.  I will be thinking of you all as you get to the date that will be so hard for you, his birthday and memorial service.  Westley's birthday was two days after his funeral, and I'm not sure which was harder for me. And of course, all of the days are hard after your child dies, as you have sadly discovered.  I have nothing to share with you except for my sympathy and you have that from all here.  Others who have not been through it may say things that hurt you in the next few days, but they don't mean to.  How can they know what a deep wound the death of a child is? When they say things that wound you more, think of us here at BI, and know that we are thinking of you and supporting you.  I am also thinking of your DIL and hoping that she is able to carry on and the new baby will help you all to make it through your horrible loss.  Just know this, your son was brave and true to the end, thinking of others before himself, and I know its not as good as having him with you, but you can be proud of the job you did raising such a fine man.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[herbal47]

Right now I live day by day.  Some good, some bad.   Not able to go back to work and face people right now.   My heart goes out to you as well for your loss.   I hope this chat line will help. 

[herbal47]

Thanks Elaine, May god Bless you.  I do not look forward to Aug 4th.  Famil from afar is now starting to show up.  When everyone is gone, I am sure it will be very difficult.

[josephsmom90]

Patti,

I'm praying for ya! I'm glad you have family to be with and to help you through this.

Elaine

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com. 

Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family