Members eowyn58 Posted July 27, 2010 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2010 Hi.At 3:57 PM on December 14, 2010, life as I had known it stopped. That's when Bob, my gifted, demanding, generous and complicated partner of eight years drew his last breath. He died after a month long struggle with severe Pancreatitis.He died without a will and had only one real asset - a Harley-Davidson that was basically taken to repay funeral expenses. The man who paid for most of the simple arrangments - he was Bob's bodyguard when Bob was president of a motorcycle club 20 years ago - stood in the church and told the congregation that he had paid for the funeral. He also told numerous people at the luncheon following the funeral that he had paid the expenses. Then he turned around two months later and told me that he expected me to pay him back. So after weeks of deliberation and tired of harrassment & veiled threats, I relinquished my intent to try to obtain the title to the bike and the Harley - more than a machine to me - was taken on April 24, 2010.On March 18, 2010 I was laid off with 33 others from my job of six years. The household income, already reduced by more than 50% when Bob died, was then cut an additional 50%. My unemeployment did not kick in for nearly 2 months ad I was forced to sell nearly all of Bob's possessions - he was a master mechanic and had a fully equipped motorcycle shop - just to meet the high utility bills and my rent.If my wonderful landlady had not reduced my rent in half for 6 months, I don't know what I would have done. But the 6 months passed and although I was current with my rent, my landlady gave me a deadline of 7/1/10 to vacate. I was lucky enough to find a lovely 2 bedroom apartment in a Victorian home in a good location two weeks before 7/1/10. I was lucky too to sell what was left of Bob's things, a 2nd vehicle and a lawn tractor to get the money together to move on 6/26/10.So, in six months I lost my companion, my job and my home of 7 years. I also lost a few people who I considered good friends which was another tough pill to swallow as I cannot fathom anything that I did to cause them to disappear from my life. I credit my parents with passing on their strength and Bob with teaching me to get up, stand up and get on with getting on. To say that I am exhausted, depressed, lonely and often feel lost in this world is an understatement. One of the few positives that has occurred is that I lost about 60 pounds since mid-November, 2010 - I stopped eating when Bob got sick. Moving has not stopped my emotional rollercoaster. Somehow I was naive enough to think it would. I am also dilligently seeking employment, but in the state that I live, the unemployment rate is high and my hope of finding employment that will adequately support my needs is not high. The stress of this is unbelievable.One major emotional step forward has occurred since I moved - the lessening of the terrible rage I felt towards Bob for leaving me without a will and not loving me enough to legally protect me against the vultures. But my financial worries, depression and loneliness continue. It's true that grief changes - I have begun to accept certain realities and have begun to have moments - I mean moments - when I feel that I might just get through this alive. I get up every morning and do what I need to do, but there's little to no happiness or satisfaction in any achievement these days. I don't know who I am anymore.I'm lucky to have a small but sincere circle of support in my sisters and a few friends, but like so many other people, none of them has experienced complete devastation of their lives. I guess I'm just looking for any emotional guidance anyone can give amd to share with others what I have learned about loss thus far.Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.