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Suddenly widowed after 34 yrs


ed61510

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My husband, of 34 yrs, died suddenly from a massive heart attack on the golf course 5 weeks ago.  I've gone through the numbness, the shock, etc...all with loving family around me.  Now the reality of his death and the loneliness have hit me hard like daggers stabbing me in the chest, without my family around me therefore I can't stop crying.  My adult children aren't used to a mother who is a basket case and therefore keep their distance. I'm seeing a grief counselor and she tells me I need to explain to my children how much I need them around me at this time.  I'm in the process of writing them letters but I can't wait until I finish it, snail mail it and wait.  I've tried talking to them, that lasted all of one weekend.  I lost my job in April so I have nothing to keep me busy. My father's anniversary of his death was the day after my husband died so my mother is grieving him all over again and can't seem to help me with my loss. I used to love to garden but I now have no interest, with the heat and no rain and the deer eating what is left my gardens that were beautiful for the memorial are now ruined ugly beds of dead or eaten stalks.  I've never been one to ask for help so I'm at home with the dogs alone.  I end up leaving the house each day just to get away and since the cemetery where Ed is laid is up the street from our house I pass him when I leave and return home. How do you get through the loneliness?  How do you ask people to visit or call or want to be around you?  When people do visit or call I always end up crying and wonder am I discouraging them.  My brother-in-law just bought my husbands motorcycle and what I thought would be a relief to have it out of the garage has instead left a whole in my heart.  I keep a journal and have pictures around of him so I don't forget what he looks like.  I won't remove his voice from the answering machine though I have to replace the phones because I can't see the numbers in the LCD screens and the batteries don't last longer than 15 minutes.  All of the faucets started dripping, things are breaking, Ed was the one who took care of all of this and he's no longer here.  My son has offered to help, but he's in the process of moving in with his fiance, selling his house and planning a wedding.  My eldest daughter lives half way across the USA and my other daughter livers 45 mins away can't visits ever other weekend because she can't deal with my crying.  I've decided I will have to hold back the tears when they are here so they won't run out on me, though it makes the pain harder to bear.  I could go on and on and on, because it isn't getting any better.  I try to reach out to God for comfort but nothing is comforting me.  I no longer feel Ed's presence.  Am I alone with these feelings?  If not, how does anyone deal with it?

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Hi. 

I wish I could share some magical cure for the pain, but I can't.  After nearly seven months, I can tell you that the intensity will begin to diminish and that you will move forwards & backwards emotionally.  This sounds hard, I know, but you just have to endure it.  No one can carry it for you.  There are times when I can't remember what it feels like to not have the pain, or to really laugh, or to wake up and not feel the weight bear down on my chest.

At only 5 weeks after the death, you are down on the floor.  If your emotional wounds could be displayed physically, let's face it - you'd be in ICU.

Here are a few things that have helped me get through the days & nights.  You might not be ready to do any of them, but I'd like to share them....

Talk to the deceased.  Really talk honestly and openly - when you are ready.  I was so mad at my man for dying it was like we had a nasty breakup & just recently got back together.  Sounds crazy, but that's how it was for me.  Try to ignore people's expectations & judgements.  The people who expect me to be over it by now are the worst.  Unless they have been through the loss of a partner they can't possibly know where I'm at.  It's like what I imagine being in combat to be.  Most people will call or visit less and less as time goes by.  It sucks, but the reality is they have their own lives.  They don't mean to create another layer of pain for you, so try lowering your expectations.  Sooner or later, we must learn to live alone.  And like any other skill, it takes a lot of practice.

Cry when you want to cry, sleep when you want to sleep, be angry when you want to be, sit and do nothing when you want to.  You're allowed.

Every morning I tell myself that something good will happen to me today.  It works.  It may be a little thing, but it's something. 

I've begun to explore meditation and Asian life philosophies and this has brought me more relief than I expected.  Try lying down in a quiet place and breathe in deeply through your nose and exhale just as deeply through your mouth for a few minutes whenever you need to.  It helps to ease the turbulence in your mind. 

Listen to music, try to read.  These things will help to take your mind off this crazy ride for awhile. 

I also try to remember that Bob would want me to move forward.  Do things that help to establish yourself as a single person.  Try a new hairstyle or color.  Buy some new clothes if you can afford to do so.  Maybe think about rearranging the furniture or storing some of the deceased's possessions and putting out new things.  Begin to create a vision of life for yourself.  Now is the time to give to yourself - it's all about you. 

We all have to live our lives.  Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.  Think about that.

Give yourself credit for just getting through each day.  Think about how strong you are.  Know that your husband taught you many valuable things and empower yourself.  This is one way that I honor Bob's memory.   In our lives, even the smallest accomplishment is worthy of praise.  Give it to yourself.  Treat yourself as you would your closest friend as if they had sustained the same losses.  I confess I have problems with giving myself credit - I'm one of those who only sees what she hasn't accomplished yet.  But I do go to bed each night and tell myself "good job".

I'm so sorry this has happened to you too.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I hate the old saying "time heals" but in our case, it's very true.  You're not alone.

Peace out.

 

 

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Thank you for your encouragement. When I wrote my original post I was at my lowest point and I appreciated the opportunity here to voice it.  I talked with my children and they now realize I need them to be around more often and they must let me cry around them and hold me when I do cry and these feelings of loneliness won't last forever.  That I will find out who "I" am and will eventually make a new life for myself.  They just need to be patient with me.  Their understanding has helped greatly.  I still feel alone, but I'm not lonely because I know they will be here for me when I need them.

I'm visiting my daughter in CO for a week and so far so good.  I was apprehensive that leaving would make it worse, but it hasn't so far. 

I've been able to pray again and I have been reading Psalms and am finding comfort.  I still don't feel Ed's presence but when I talk to him he answers me.  My logical side tells me this is my subconscience telling me what I already know, but my heart tells me it's Ed.  Damn the logical side of me.

I have also been finding comfort in reading books on grief, in particular books written by others who have gone through grief and came out on the other side a better person.  This is what I am hoping for.  I find myself taking one step forward and two or three steps back, and realize this is normal as normal can be.  I am a survivor and I will make it, but I have to resolve some unfinished feelings we had between the two of us before I can.  I'm going to talk to my counselor about this and if she can't help me work these out I will see a therapist/psychologist.  I have been given a prescription for an antidepressant but I'm afraid to take them, my doctor assures me they will only make me able to better deal with everyday tasks and will not hinder my grief progress.  My kids think I should take them now after watching me these past two weeks even though they first didn't think it was a good idea.  Right now I'm feeling more capable of dealing with life I may put it off.

Thank you again for the encouragement and for allowing me a place to voice my feelings.

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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