Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

I'm new to this group and posted this in the wrong place yesterday..today is no better than the rest


Recommended Posts

  • Members


 As I write this, tears are streaming down mym face and I again have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I first posted on the general 'loss of a child ' but was then directed to the 'loss of an adult child' section. I think I'm loosing my mind so, here's my story.


 Just this morning while driving home from a short shopping trip, I started to cry. I’m not sure what it was that I saw or remembered that brought the tears. Maybe just the fact that it was Saturday and I thought about the many times my son, daughter-in-law and grandson would go out shopping or to breakfast. Whatever it was, the tears were uncontrollable and the hurt in my gut was gripping.

            It has been almost 5 months now since my oldest child, 37 year old son Joshua,  died of a sudden and unexpected massive heart attack. For the last 10 or so years, he and his wife and child have lived just 2 doors down from me so I saw them often and was very close to my son. Joshua was the most kind hearted person and was always there to help. Because I am disabled and have a difficult time walking any distance, he helped with out complaint if I needed the trash taken out or and errand run. Joshua was a big man with a big smile and a big bear hug. He was also diabetic.

            The night that he died, I heard the sirens coming up the street and always, when you hear something like that, you hope that it isn’t for a neighbor or friend. But they stopped and as I left the house as quickly as I could to check on things, there they were, the fire trucks and ambulances in front of my son’s house. The house was filled with chaos and my daughter-in-law and grandson were on separate ends of the couch wailing. I grabbed my grandson and asked him to pray with me. No amount of prayer that night could fix what had just happened. Joshua, my first born, the kindest, sweetest most loving man I’ve ever known was dead.

            I remember bits and pieces about the rest of that night but not all. I know that family and friends quickly showed up at the house while the EMTs were there and I remember someone covering me with a blanket. The paramedics had asked us to go outside of the house. It must have been cold. In fact, all that I can remember about the first week and a half is crying and family bickering. But, my son was gone. There was no band aid, no pill, so magic that could bring Joshua back.

            It has been about 5 months now since that horrible night. My daughter-in-law packed up, abandoned their home and left the state with my grandson in tow. I weep for the loss of my son every day. I weep for the loss of being able to see my grandson almost every day. I weep because this is far beyond the worse nightmare I could ever have and nothing that I do can change the fact that he’s gone. I miss him terribly. I miss my grandson terribly and am so angry at his mother for taking him away from the only family and home he's ever known. Now, she won't let me speak with him on the phone and does not respond to emails.

            I still have trouble looking at photos of Joshua and Matthew. I can’t listen to music. I don’t want to go anywhere unless I absolutely have to and I don’t want to talk to anyone except a select few. I have no appreciation right now for the summertime. No one could possibly imagine the pain of loosing their child unless they’ve been through it. Never in my right mind did I think that I would loose one of my children. It’s not supposed to happen that way. Parents go first, not children. He was only 37. He was loved by dozens of friends and all of his family and especially by me.

            Yes, I went through grief therapy which helped a bit but it doesn’t fill the hole that has been left in my heart. Reason tells me that things will get better with time. Reason tells me that I am not alone in this. Right now I feel drained and would rather sleep the day away, forgo my morning shower or sit in a corner with numbness at my side. Reason isn’t working very well. I am angry at Joshua's wife for taking my grandson away and for ignoring his physical and emotional needs. I am angry at her for not taking better care of my son. He worked 6 days a week while she sat on her rear and watched TV...selfish, self centered and lazy. I'm angry at myself for just 2 weeks ago I was told that I too am diabetic. Could I have done more to help him? I cry and my heart aches for the loss of not only my son but grandson as well. She has cut off all communication and will not let me talk with him on the phone. She doesn't respond to email. Life will never be the same.

            I hope to gain some comfort from this group. I hope to get part of my life back.

Thanks for listening.



This was in part added today:

The tears I shed should be for all of the mothers who have lost children at any age and under any circ**stance. My logical half tells me that my situation is not as bad as others. Joshua was diabetic and although he was trying to take good care of his health, it just wasn’t enough.  My not so logical self is mean and spiteful. Some days I just want to die but would never resort to anything drastic because of my loving daughters, mother and other relatives who have been so supportive. Some days, like yesterday, I feel like I am going to loose my mind and ache inside at any sight or sound of anything that reminds me of Joshua. Then, the tears will not stop. Why, oh why can God be so mean? I want to scream. I want to see Joshua's face again and give him a hug and tell him that I love him.

            Then there is the daughter-in-law who is so selfish , thoughtless, mean spirited….the person who deprives me of the right to visit with the grandchild. I need to ask God to forgive me for all of the ugly thoughts I have towards that person. She’s already seeing another man and has their ‘happy’ photo posted on Face Book! If lightening could strike……..

            As it has been said, things will soften with time.  For me, it has only been 5 months. My youngest daughter was very close to Joshua and Matthew and is not handling it well either. I am not looking forwards to the holidays..none of us are. I used to be a strong person. I raised 4 children as a single parent without the aid of child support. I had a fantastic, well paying job and a great home with four wonderful children. If the kids asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I would just tell them that I wanted a happy family. Now, we are torn apart. My health in the last 2.5 years has gone south and I am now disabled, I lost my job because of it and then I lost my son and grandson. Two months ago, it was confirmed that I am also diabetic. I don’t know how much more I can handle.

            I hope that time will be a healer. I pray that Joshua is happy, wherever he is. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers the agony of loosing a child. I am grateful to people like you who share their story and listen to mine. And I hope that when I pass from this world, that I will be able to once again see my son.

            Thanks again for listening.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I, too, posted my e-mail in the wrong place. I meant for it to go under "death of young adult child".

I am so sorry for you sudden loss. My loss was sudden, too. It is devasting. It is very hard to function. I had no idea that when I read of others who lost a child before, that it is THIS PAINFUL! 

For yourself, do all you can to offer help and encouragement to your daughter-in-law. Then when you next get to see your grandson, be sure to tell him how much you love him, how much you will always love him, and that he is welcome to come see you anytime. Perhaps he will ask his mother if he can see you in the future after that.  Or perhaps you will have to be the one to travel to go see him.

My heart goes out to you.  Do you have other children?

I just lost my younger son, Andrew. He was only 22 years old. Andrew had a mental health problem and addiction problem we had been battling along with him for 9 years. But I never would have guessed I would lose him ever. He, too, had a soft heart. His wife of two years got a boyfriend and left him, and he lost his job on the same day. That is what started his downward trend. I told him to go to bed because he was falling asleep standing up. The next morning I found him dead on the floor. We don't have the autopsy results yet, so we don't yet know what did this to him. I cry every morning when I wake up and remember that he is gone and that this is my new reality. I have to go back to work in one week and am not sure how I'm going to do that, but I have no choice. My husband lost his job in March.

Please write. My heart goes out to you- that you lost a son who sounds like he was a very good, decent person. Take care. johncat    (Dispite my name choice here, I am Andrew's mother).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Andrews Mother,

            I am so, so very sorry for your loss and feel your pain in my heart.  You are right. This very painful. It is devastating and the most difficult thing that I think we will ever have to deal with in our lives. I have four children and all I ever wanted was a happy, healthy family. I love them all so much no matter what has happened or what they’ve done in the past. Loosing my fist born killed a part of me that I don’t think I’ll ever get back. I prefer to stay numb inside right now because if I start to think about Joshua, I cry. If I leave the house for any reason, the grocery or a doctors appointment, I cry. When I go outside and sit on the bench in the garden that I planted in Joshua’s honor, I cry. The pain in my heart is so great that it almost is suffocating. So, I know how you feel.

 When you go back to work, I am sure that your co-workers will be sympathetic so don’t hold back the tears. People will understand…sort of. Accept their hugs and words of encouragement.

My second son also has emotional problems and is married to a woman who has caused a tremendous amount of upset in our family. As a result, I don’t get to see either of them or my granddaughter who is 5. So, in a sense, I’ve lost both sons and both grandchildren. I pray that Matthew will remember the wonderful times that we spent together and all of the things that I taught him. Maybe someday he will come back to Texas. He is almost 12 and will be able to emancipate himself from his mother in 2 years if he chooses. In the interim, his mother refuses to return emails or answer phone calls so I am completely cut off.

Thank God for my precious daughters who are supportive. They too are devastated by the loss of their big brother. Joshua was one of the sweetest men I’ve ever known and I will miss him to the end of my days. I know in my heart that he is a peace and is watching over his son Matthew. His wife has already found a replacement (boyfriend) but that’s not surprising for she was very self centered, lazy and mean.

Take care of yourself. Time will pass and hurt will remain but it will not be as intense. There are many people in this group who understand what you are going through.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Administrators

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com

Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.