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Double loss and anger.


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 Just this morning while driving home from a short shopping trip, I started to cry. I’m not sure what it was that I saw or remembered that brought the tears. Maybe just the fact that it was Saturday and I thought about the many times my son, daughter-in-law and grandson would go out shopping or to breakfast. Whatever it was, the tears were uncontrollable and the hurt in my gut was gripping.

            It has been almost 5 months now since my oldest child, 37 year old son Joshua,  died of a sudden and unexpected massive heart attack. For the last 10 or so years, he and his wife and child have lived just 2 doors down from me so I saw them often and was very close to my son. Joshua was the most kind hearted person and was always there to help. Because I am disabled and have a difficult time walking any distance, he helped with out complaint if I needed the trash taken out or and errand run. Joshua was a big man with a big smile and a big bear hug. He was also diabetic.

            The night that he died, I heard the sirens coming up the street and always, when you hear something like that, you hope that it isn’t for a neighbor or friend. But they stopped and as I left the house as quickly as I could to check on things, there they were, the fire trucks and ambulances in front of my son’s house. The house was filled with chaos and my daughter-in-law and grandson were on separate ends of the couch wailing. I grabbed my grandson and asked him to pray with me. No amount of prayer that night could fix what had just happened. Joshua, my first born, the kindest, sweetest most loving man I’ve ever known was dead.

            I remember bits and pieces about the rest of that night but not all. I know that family and friends quickly showed up at the house while the EMTs were there and I remember someone covering me with a blanket. The paramedics had asked us to go outside of the house. It must have been cold. In fact, all that I can remember about the first week and a half is crying and family bickering. But, my son was gone. There was no band aid, no pill, so magic that could bring Joshua back.

            It has been about 5 months now since that horrible night. My daughter-in-law packed up, abandoned their home and left the state with my grandson in tow. I weep for the loss of my son every day. I weep for the loss of being able to see my grandson almost every day. I weep because this is far beyond the worse nightmare I could ever have and nothing that I do can change the fact that he’s gone. I miss him terribly. I miss my grandson terribly and am so angry at his mother for taking him away from the only family and home he's ever known. Now, she won't let me speak with him on the phone and does not respond to emails.

            I still have trouble looking at photos of Joshua and Matthew. I can’t listen to music. I don’t want to go anywhere unless I absolutely have to and I don’t want to talk to anyone except a select few. I have no appreciation right now for the summertime. No one could possibly imagine the pain of loosing their child unless they’ve been through it. Never in my right mind did I think that I would loose one of my children. It’s not supposed to happen that way. Parents go first, not children. He was only 37. He was loved by dozens of friends and all of his family and especially by me.

            Yes, I went through grief therapy which helped a bit but it doesn’t fill the hole that has been left in my heart. Reason tells me that things will get better with time. Reason tells me that I am not alone in this. Right now I feel drained and would rather sleep the day away, forgo my morning shower or sit in a corner with numbness at my side. Reason isn’t working very well. I am angry at Joshua's wife for taking my grandson away and for ignoring his physical and emotional needs. I am angry at her for not taking better care of my son. He worked 6 days a week while she sat on her rear and watched TV...selfish, self centered and lazy. I'm angry at myself for just 2 weeks ago I was told that I too am diabetic. Could I have done more to help him? I cry and my heart aches for the loss of not only my son but grandson as well. She has cut off all communication and will not let me talk with him on the phone. She doesn't respond to email. Life will never be the same.

            I hope to gain some comfort from this group. I hope to get part of my life back.

Thanks for listening.


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You have come to the right place.  We all talk on the "Loss of Adult Child" link. 

First, let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your son and your daughter-in-law and grandson leaving.  These are terrible losses and I pray for you.  You are not alone.

On 6-19-2008, My 16 year old son, Brian decided to climb on the hood of car.  His "Friend" drove with Brian on the hood, lost control and crashed.  Brian died at the scene, which is 1/4 mile from our home, and Brian's friend is a convicted felon.  Two families destoyed.

We know about living nightmares.  You are only 5 months into this.  The physical, emotional, and spiritual pain you feel is unbearable.  You are living one breath at a time - we know that.  We were there.  It is OK is sit and cry, sleep, eat, cry some more.  Your brain has been through a terrible trama.  Be kind to yourself.

Our family is now 2 years into this loss.  We are much better than we were at the 5 month stage, but our lives will never be the same.

What we found is that happiness does not run down the stairs to us anymore.  We have to find it--seek it out.  That is hard to do and very draining also.  But as time goes on, you will see glimmers of time when light shines on your face--if only for a few seconds.  Those seconds turn into minutes and so on.

Hang in there.  We know what you are going through.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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Hello Sue

I would also like to add my welcome to you and to say I am so very sorry for the loss of your wonderful son Joshua.  You ae not alone in this pain any longer for you have found a wonderful haven for expressing your sadness, pain and memories.

Most people post to the Loss of an Adult Child section of this board so that the next time you post try going there and  you will receive many replies and much support. 

I lost my only son Stephen over 3 years ago and This board saved my sanity and my life.

Please come often Post a picture of Joshua and tell us more about him.  I really do understand the anger and the missing of

"The Way We Were".  I am glad you found us


Stephen'smom :)

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Sue - The saddest of welcomes to you!  I join Betty and Colleen in suggesting LOSS OF AN ADULT CHILD found on this site.  Unfortunately, there are many of us there who understand completely. 

My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident on August 9, 2009.  I found Beyond Indigo between the three or four month mark.  I believe it literally saved my sanity....still does.  As sorry as I am for the reason you are here, I'm glad you found us.  Please come to the adult child site and share more about your precious son!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Sue:  I wish that you never had to hear of BI, but to help your find your way through this journey, I am glad you did...this is the most supportive, comforting, understanding place that you could be.  I am so very, very sorry for the tragic loss of your sweet son, and so sorry for the pain that has been added to that loss by your DIL's leaving with your grandson. 

I lost my son, Mike, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer.  He left behind three young boys, almost 2, 9 and 10.  The first months are painful, heartbreaking, but over time, yes, things will be "softer" but never, ever the same.  As Colleen said, happiness is there, but you have to look for it...right now you are not ready for that...take your time, grieve, come here and talk, share your wonderful son...we are here, listening...

love and peace,  carol mikesmomrs

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA


Beyond Indigo Family

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