I am so lost

[TheVintageOne]

My husband collapsed at our home Thursday afternoon, his son arrived as it happened and we did CPR until the ambulance arrived. Paramedics were unable to revive him. 

I met my husband when I was 19 and have been with him for 14 years. The feeling in my chest is so empty and broken and shattered. I feel crazy and unable to deal with the thought of his body lying there. 

Reading these posts for the last hour has been the only peace I’ve felt in days. Thank you for this forum. 

[KMB]

 I am glad you have found some peace and comfort, in knowing you are not alone when it comes to grieving the loss of a life partner. Only those who have had such a loss, truly understand. We know your gut wrenching pain, the being lost, confused, devastated. The loneliness and the reality hitting you front and center, day in and day out.  I also lost my husband in our home to sudden cardiac arrest. I was numb, in shock for a long time. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around how can a person be there one moment, and gone the next. It is surreal and incomprehensible. My strength in the early days came from taking care of my husband's final wishes, and just going on adrenaline. My final gift to him in taking care of those final things. After that, I became a basket case for many months. I still don't know what I am doing most of the time. Most of what I do is robotic, just things to fill the day.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have always been with your husband and now you are alone. It is not a good place to be when we suddenly find ourselves alone.We don't know how to do "alone". It is frightening and confusing to be forced into an existence we never thought we would have to experience so soon.

I do hope you have a support system of family and friends. It is so important to not have to go through such a traumatic event by oneself.

This forum has many caring, generous people willing to share their stories, support and encouragement. Sending prayers for strength, peace and consolation.

[Paluka]

My heart, which already broken, breaks for you and your family. I tried my best to revive my wife but neither I nor the paramedics could revive her. She died in our bed. 

Stick around this forum. Do not hesitate to vent, cry out, ask for help. Our grief journeys are unique to each of us, but nothing you say will be seen as unusual. 

I am only 6 weeks out and the pain feels worse some days but I keep moving every day. I don’t have the enthusiasm or joy I had before. There are days I’m miserable and other days where I catch a brief glimpse of relief  

Hold on and be ready for the ups and downs. It will feel overwhelming at times but I have found that I can survive these times. Sometimes it’s all we can do and that’s okay.

We are here for you and one another. Prayers for you.

 

[Francine]

6 hours ago, TheVintageOne said:

My husband collapsed at our home Thursday afternoon, his son arrived as it happened and we did CPR until the ambulance arrived. Paramedics were unable to revive him. 

I met my husband when I was 19 and have been with him for 14 years. The feeling in my chest is so empty and broken and shattered. I feel crazy and unable to deal with the thought of his body lying there.

Reading these posts for the last hour has been the only peace I’ve felt in days. Thank you for this forum. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain you feel.  It's almost a year since my Charles made his transition but for me, it feels like only yesterday.  I was not prepared for it; nobody is.  When you lose someone you love more than yourself and you get a quick crash course in mortality.  I am a Christian and a strong believer in faith and God, but there are times I lie awake night after night wondering what really happens when we make our transition and finding all kinds of reasons to cling to my faith because I can't bear to believe that my Charles' spirit isn't out there somewhere, a few words of a prayer away.   There are days that I just don't want to participate in life anymore and for a really long time, I felt like I was not truly living; only existing.   I'm still hurt, broken, and so lonely.  I feel so useless and without my Charles, I feel like I don't belong here anymore.  I literally have no motivation to save what life I have left and I can't see where I'm going or how I will get there.

And as much as it hurts and confused I am, (and I am confused) deep down within, there is something that keeps me moving forward; one step at a time; one day at a time.   This is the loneliest journey I have ever traveled; but maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything; perhaps its about unbecoming everything that isn't really you; so you can become who you were meant to be in the first place.   Stay strong because you may not know or believe it, but we have the strength within to move mountains.  God makes us strong when we are weak; makes us brave when we are afraid, but most of all,  teaches us to hold on to HIM when things keep falling apart.  Hold On!  You are in my prayers.

 

[TheVintageOne]

Thank you Francine. You are so right, I need to hold onto God. I keep trying to make sense of something I must just accept. Your words mean so much to me. I want to share more when I’m able. I’m so sorry for your loss but very thankful to connect with you. 

[TheVintageOne]

12 hours ago, KMB said:

 I am glad you have found some peace and comfort, in knowing you are not alone when it comes to grieving the loss of a life partner. Only those who have had such a loss, truly understand. We know your gut wrenching pain, the being lost, confused, devastated. The loneliness and the reality hitting you front and center, day in and day out.  I also lost my husband in our home to sudden cardiac arrest. I was numb, in shock for a long time. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around how can a person be there one moment, and gone the next. It is surreal and incomprehensible. My strength in the early days came from taking care of my husband's final wishes, and just going on adrenaline. My final gift to him in taking care of those final things. After that, I became a basket case for many months. I still don't know what I am doing most of the time. Most of what I do is robotic, just things to fill the day.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have always been with your husband and now you are alone. It is not a good place to be when we suddenly find ourselves alone.We don't know how to do "alone". It is frightening and confusing to be forced into an existence we never thought we would have to experience so soon.

I do hope you have a support system of family and friends. It is so important to not have to go through such a traumatic event by oneself.

This forum has many caring, generous people willing to share their stories, support and encouragement. Sending prayers for strength, peace and consolation.

Thank you so much KMB, everything you said really hits home. It’s been very difficult to deal with him suddenly being gone. He was having a great day before it happened and we had been so happy the past few months. That makes it harder and easier to deal with in ways. I’m thankful he was having a great life but wish it could’ve continued. 

I live 1,000 miles away from all my friends and family. I have a few friends and family here that I met through my husband but not a solid support group. I plan on selling my house and moving back  I don’t know how soon I should do that but will take it day by day.

I hope I can learn to do alone, I’m still very frightened. 

[TheVintageOne]

11 hours ago, Paluka said:

My heart, which already broken, breaks for you and your family. I tried my best to revive my wife but neither I nor the paramedics could revive her. She died in our bed. 

Stick around this forum. Do not hesitate to vent, cry out, ask for help. Our grief journeys are unique to each of us, but nothing you say will be seen as unusual. 

I am only 6 weeks out and the pain feels worse some days but I keep moving every day. I don’t have the enthusiasm or joy I had before. There are days I’m miserable and other days where I catch a brief glimpse of relief  

Hold on and be ready for the ups and downs. It will feel overwhelming at times but I have found that I can survive these times. Sometimes it’s all we can do and that’s okay.

We are here for you and one another. Prayers for you.

 

I am so sorry for your loss Paluka. Thank you for saying sometimes it’s all about surviving, it’s so true. I have moments of panic followed by a brief calm. It seems like time is standing still or moving backwards. The funeral is on Thursday and I am so scared of how I will feel. 

[KayC]

TheVintageOne,

I am sorry, so sorry, another young person going through this.  I lost my husband 12 years ago...it feels odd to say it, because although it feels like a lifetime ago, I remember it like it was yesterday too...time stands still yet it marches on in a way that feels incongruent.  It changes everything in our lives, and as you said, it is all about surviving.  It helps to remember to take one day at a time, no more, don't allow yourself to think "the rest of your life", way too much to handle.

My husband's funeral...it was good for me to see all of those who paid their respects, all of those whose lives he touched.  Anywhere from the mayor to homeless and everyone in between.  We had an "open mike" session, it was special to hear all of the things people said about him, especially my son.  The sermon was good, it touched on his life, who he was, how he lived.  Our hope. 

Knowing I will be with him again is what gets me through this.  Keep coming here, we're all here helping each other through this.  I will be thinking of you on Thursday and pray his funeral will go well and bring you comfort.

[Paluka]

8 hours ago, TheVintageOne said:

I am so sorry for your loss Paluka. Thank you for saying sometimes it’s all about surviving, it’s so true. I have moments of panic followed by a brief calm. It seems like time is standing still or moving backwards. The funeral is on Thursday and I am so scared of how I will feel. 

Some days it is all about surviving. I know the funeral will be difficult Thursday. Please do whatever you need to do as far as going through the funeral. Honor yourself and your husband.

When I was present for Lauri's wake and funeral I cried the entire time. One thing that helped me was spending about 30-45 minutes with her alone prior to the funeral. I talked to her, told her how I felt, prayed, and finally kissed her on the forehead to say "goodbye." I remember that 30-45 minutes but not much else. I deliberately did this early in the morning before any one else arrived, especially her parents. It allowed me no interruptions and no concern about anyone else. It was a time only for Lauri and I.

It all went to fast that I went to her grave 2 weeks later because I could not remember where she was actually buried. I allowed her parents to have her buried close to them at their request. It's a 2-hour drive for me.

Try not to worry about the funeral. You will be however you will be. For me, there was no holding back. I will be praying for you.

[KMB]

TheVintageOne,

I will be thinking of you and praying for you on Thursday. I hope the service goes well. Just go with your emotions and take your time with how you want to deal with honoring your husband on that day.

[Francine]

On 10/30/2017 at 1:05 AM, TheVintageOne said:

Thank you Francine. You are so right, I need to hold onto God. I keep trying to make sense of something I must just accept. Your words mean so much to me. I want to share more when I’m able. I’m so sorry for your loss but very thankful to connect with you. 

Ditto.  We're not here by coincidence, fluke, or fate; we're suppose to be here at this time and place. Where we are today is no accident.  God is using the situation we are in right now to shape us and prepare us for the place HE will bring us to tomorrow.  If we only trust HIM with HIS plan even if we don't understand it, we'd be OK.  Know you are in my prayers.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Francine said:

God is using the situation we are in right now to shape us and prepare us for the place HE will bring us to tomorrow

Oh how I've seen this, time and time over again!

[TheVintageOne]

Thank you all so much. Tomorrow is the funeral. I had several family members arrive today (I live about 1,000 miles from my family) and I was able to eat for the first time in days. All the laughter, tears, smiles and memories helped me get through a few hours. Still completely nervous for tomorrow but so thankful for my family and friends. The service will be beautiful and honor my husband. He was an artist and musician and the room is full of his creations. 

Thank you all for the advice, the words comfort me when I’m trying to unwind for the day. Tomorrow will be tough and I thank you all for the prayers. 

[KayC]

Thinking of you today and praying for special strength and comfort as you go through this day and honor him together.

[KMB]

TheVintageOne,    I hope the service went well for you and just know that your husband was there in spirit and proud of you and the others there, in the way he was honored.

[Francine]

15 hours ago, TheVintageOne said:

Thank you all so much. Tomorrow is the funeral. I had several family members arrive today (I live about 1,000 miles from my family) and I was able to eat for the first time in days. All the laughter, tears, smiles and memories helped me get through a few hours. Still completely nervous for tomorrow but so thankful for my family and friends. The service will be beautiful and honor my husband. He was an artist and musician and the room is full of his creations. 

Thank you all for the advice, the words comfort me when I’m trying to unwind for the day. Tomorrow will be tough and I thank you all for the prayers. 

You're in my prayers today.  Know that your husband's spirit is going home where love and peace are the norm and life is everlasting. 

[TheVintageOne]

The funeral has passed and I feel so empty. The flowers are a reminder of the pain. I thought I’d feel at peace and I guess I don’t know anything. My mother has stayed with me for another week and I am terrified for when she has to leave. I return to work on Monday and don’t know how I will survive the phone calls and interactions with other people. 

I almost feel guilty for complaining when I know so others are hurting as well, I wish I could help others. 

I had my first dream (nightmare) of my sweet husband and told him in the dream I knew he was gone but I was going to kiss him anyway. It felt more distant than when I kissed him in the casket. I am hanging on but hope seems so far away. The tears and fear and memories never seem to calm down. 

[KayC]

You are going through a really hard place.  I am glad you have your mom there with you.  Work is hard to get through at first.  It's hard to focus, we make mistakes we've never made before.  The good part about it is that it kills some time, but at first even that is hard because your mind can't get into it.  I hope your workplace is understanding. 

It took me a year or two to have my first dream of my husband, I don't know why, but in it I wanted to know where he'd been!  I woke up upset because I felt I should have just made the most of being with him.  Weird how we feel about the dreams, it's like deep inside we know they're gone even though we're in a dream where they're there.

[TheVintageOne]

Thank you KayC, your words are always so comforting and helpful. I think working will help with keeping busy and they are very understanding and I am lucky. 

I’m trying to focus on the positive and even that feels strange as any happy or peaceful moments are followed by brief moments of guilt. I know this will go away, just takes time. 

Yes it’s so odd to be aware of their being gone in a dream where they are present! I am so sorry for your loss but appreciate your friendship and help through the past week. 

-Ash 

 

[Paluka]

It's difficult to be back at work but some sense of routine is helpful. I've had to completely change my morning routine. I was fixing her coffee like had always done. I've had to go to a different gym for a few weeks. It's been too emotional to go to the gym we went to together.

I've tried focusing on the positive as well but the ache of heartbreak is always there. This is part of the new normal for me right now. Cry when you need to cry. The pain will come out one way or another. 

Hang in there. I've been thinking about you since Thursday. I've been praying for all of us. 

[Azipod]

On 11/4/2017 at 2:26 PM, TheVintageOne said:

The funeral has passed and I feel so empty. The flowers are a reminder of the pain. I thought I’d feel at peace and I guess I don’t know anything. My mother has stayed with me for another week and I am terrified for when she has to leave. I return to work on Monday and don’t know how I will survive the phone calls and interactions with other people. 

I almost feel guilty for complaining when I know so others are hurting as well, I wish I could help others. 

I had my first dream (nightmare) of my sweet husband and told him in the dream I knew he was gone but I was going to kiss him anyway. It felt more distant than when I kissed him in the casket. I am hanging on but hope seems so far away. The tears and fear and memories never seem to calm down. 

TheVintageOne.  I am sorry to hear about your husband.    It's difficult for me every time I see a new member here on this forum.    I vividly remember my wife's funeral.  Just a heads up, you may soon realize that at the funeral, many friends and other people were grieving with you.   Soon, you may quickly realize that most of your guests have moved on with their life and you, and your family, are left with the continuous and ongoing grief.   It is a difficult reality to swallow but it is likely that at some point in the near future, you will feel that you are traveling alone on this terrible grief journey.         There is nothing simple and easy about losing a spouse.  In fact, most of what we all feel is a big blur.  Just when we think that we may be making some progress, then BAM, the grief monster will be come and attack us again.   Grief is a like a evil shadow.  It will follow you wherever you go.  It will always lurk just one step behind you.   You have to keep looking forward and keep moving.  As soon as you stop, the grief monster will consume you.      Keep strong, take things one day at a time, and live in the moment.  There will be so much more as you progress through these earlier weeks.  Come by and share with us your thoughts and feelings.   Here, everyone understands you.

[Francine]

On 11/4/2017 at 4:26 PM, TheVintageOne said:

The funeral has passed and I feel so empty. The flowers are a reminder of the pain. I thought I’d feel at peace and I guess I don’t know anything. My mother has stayed with me for another week and I am terrified for when she has to leave. I return to work on Monday and don’t know how I will survive the phone calls and interactions with other people. 

I almost feel guilty for complaining when I know so others are hurting as well, I wish I could help others. 

I had my first dream (nightmare) of my sweet husband and told him in the dream I knew he was gone but I was going to kiss him anyway. It felt more distant than when I kissed him in the casket. I am hanging on but hope seems so far away. The tears and fear and memories never seem to calm down. 

I can truly relate to you.  It's going on a year for me and it feels like yesterday.  I can remember leading up to Charles' funeral, I had been that *strong* women that stood tall and firm and held it all together inside.  After his services, I felt I could then let it all out and release the pain. I thought at last, I could cry.   Except I couldn't.  My tears, kept in too long, had fossilized and I feared they would stay in forever.  But I realized or better yet, God showed me that at the end of life, what really matters is not what we bought, but what we built; not what we got, but what we shared; not our competence, but our character; not our success, but our significance; a life that matter and a life filled with love.  I think we have to stop thinking we will be stuck in our situation forever. We feel our hearts will never heal or we will never get out of this impossible struggle.  I think we sometimes confuse a *season* for a *lifetime*. 

I'm glad you had a dream of your husband; the hard part of life is we have to keep on living even when our world has stopped spinning and all the stars seem to be laying at our feet.   Since his transition, I may have had a couple of dreams about my Charles and I long to have more; perhaps I might.  Do I choose to wake up every day and grieve?  No.  I wake up everyday and know a part of me is missing.  I'd always thought that when my Charles left this world, a part of me died...I like to believe that a part of me lives with him on the other side.

I know Hope is something that seems so far away as you struggle to pick up the pieces everyday.  But don't give up just because things are hard; God can change everything in just one moment and answers you when you least expect it.

 

[KayC]

I agree with Paluka, for me, having a routine is helpful.  When I retired I knew I needed to get involved with some things so that I continue to have a routine, and I've found that volunteering really helps me. It makes me feel useful, gets me out of the house and around people.  I don't know how I'd handle being home alone all the time, that'd be tough.

George was the joy of my life and losing him I knew I'd never have that big joy again.  I have learned, however, that it helps to live in the present and fully embrace whatever good comes our way, no matter how small, nothing is too trivial to acknowledge...in so doing it helps us develop a spirit of appreciation for life, something that is so needed after such a loss as this.  The process has totally changed me, it's an art that takes effort and working on.  I don't want to fail to miss a good moment or small joy, they are often so brief and then gone, but for that moment you're living in, it is good.  I've learned not to compare, that is self defeating.  What was is gone.  We do continue to miss them, we always will.  At first the memories brought pain but now it brings a smile to my heart, it took time to get there.

[TheVintageOne]

Thank you all for the sound advice and words of experience, I am so lucky to have found this place. I reread these messages to help get through the day. Work went well, I realize it’s only day one but I felt calm today with only a few hiccups. I can feel others thinking of me and praying for me and I feel very fortunate. 

[KayC]

I'm glad your work went well, I know how hard this journey is, it helps to go through it together.  (((hugs)))

[Azipod]

18 hours ago, TheVintageOne said:

Thank you all for the sound advice and words of experience, I am so lucky to have found this place. I reread these messages to help get through the day. Work went well, I realize it’s only day one but I felt calm today with only a few hiccups. I can feel others thinking of me and praying for me and I feel very fortunate. 

Going back to work is a big step.  It is so nice to hear that you are working hard to put one aspect of your life together.  Working also gives you structure, responsibility, and gets you out of the house -- all of which are very important components for your recovery.    Just know that some days will be more difficult than others.   I found that when I returned to work, I got stressed out a tad bit more easily.     Take things easy, go slower, and you should be fine.

I've been back to work for many months now.  Sometimes I still do make small mistakes.  Case in point was this morning, I almost walked out the door in my jeans as oppose to my dress pants.   Didn't even catch it until I was tying my shoelace for the 1st shoe!