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A place for pain.... and suffering.


Azipod

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It hurts me so much to see that there are so many of us who are hurt by our devastating losses.   There are no words to describe our pain.   The grief is consuming.  The pain is intense.  The feeling makes you hit rock bottom.   It doesn't go away.  The grief sticks with you 24/7.   It repeats itself each day and it doesn't let up.  There is no end in sight.

Tomorrow, will be a the beginning of a new week.  Another week without our loved ones.   Is this what we call life?   I don't think it is.

This forum, indeed, is a place for our pain, and suffering.

    

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19 minutes ago, Azipod said:

This forum, indeed, is a place for our pain, and suffering.

I don't know what I would do without it.  I joined this forum a little over a year ago. I had been scrolling through a couple of other forums, but I didn't like the format and some of the people's comments threw me off. I scrolled through this forum for a couple of days, reading posts. I kept seeing KayC's posts. Always compassionate, empathetic, encouraging. And I noticed she had lost her George some years ago.  I figured this forum was just right for me. I have very little in the way of family. Only a couple of friends that have stuck with me and didn't disappear. This forum literally became my life line and saved me in some very dark times. This forum continues to save me. I try to help others here in whatever way I can, to give back. I'm retired and don't have anything else going for me. There is no where I want to go and zero motivation for hobbies or anything else. I shared everything with my husband. We were two peas in a pod. I recently turned down the opportunity of a part time job. I live in an economically depressed area and I'm sure there is someone who has a family to raise that will get that job and needs it more than I do. My life is comparable to that quote you have on the bottom of your posts. It is exactly how I feel.

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I've been feeling frustrated because nothing is helping, at the beginning it seems to be a little lighter because I was expecting to "wake up from this nightmare" but with time reality settles and that's when the pain becomes stronger and heavier. 

Nothing seems to helps for me, I don't know how is this going for you guys, people insist that with time everything "will be better", so far is getting worst and worst with every day that goes by. I still think daily in how badly I want to die, how miserable I feel and how miserable my future seems. Hopelessness is a reality, there is nothing that can help, nice words, concerning from my family it doesn't help, it doesn't make worst but either makes it better.

I feel exhausted and as you say is because this is a full time job, restless, we go bed tired and sad and we wake up feeling in the same way.

This is terrible sad and helpless, life is unfair and we lived this life even if we don't want to :(

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4 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I've been feeling frustrated because nothing is helping, at the beginning it seems to be a little lighter because I was expecting to "wake up from this nightmare" but with time reality settles and that's when the pain becomes stronger and heavier. 

Nothing seems to helps for me, I don't know how is this going for you guys, people insist that with time everything "will be better", so far is getting worst and worst with every day that goes by. I still think daily in how badly I want to die, how miserable I feel and how miserable my future seems. Hopelessness is a reality, there is nothing that can help, nice words, concerning from my family it doesn't help, it doesn't make worst but either makes it better.

I feel exhausted and as you say is because this is a full time job, restless, we go bed tired and sad and we wake up feeling in the same way.

This is terrible sad and helpless, life is unfair and we lived this life even if we don't want to :(

Nothing is helping me either. It's only been 2 weeks and a day for me. I am already physically and mentally wore out. I know I have so much longer to go. It is so unfair for all of us.

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8 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Nothing is helping me either. It's only been 2 weeks and a day for me. I am already physically and mentally wore out. I know I have so much longer to go. It is so unfair for all of us.

I am already in my fourth month and today is our anniversary, is like life is hitting me over and over again, I am in a point where I am totally helpless, nothing helps, nothing is enough support neither helps others concerning, I feel my life is also died, I am just a zombie. I am so sorry for your loss Patti, I'd like to say something more accurate or comforting for you but at this point I am pretty sure nothing good is left inside me.

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5 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I am already in my fourth month and today is our anniversary, is like life is hitting me over and over again, I am in a point where I am totally helpless, nothing helps, nothing is enough support neither helps others concerning, I feel my life is also died, I am just a zombie. I am so sorry for your loss Patti, I'd like to say something more accurate or comforting for you but at this point I am pretty sure nothing good is left inside me.

I know what you mean nothing good is left inside of me either. Our anniversary is coming up Saturday. I am helpless to and people expect you to just go on living. This is the home we built together. We are never going to share it again. It's awful and I am not ok with it.

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16 hours ago, KMB said:

There is no where I want to go and zero motivation for hobbies or anything else. I shared everything with my husband. We were two peas in a pod. 

I can relate to this.  I do things these days just for the heck of doing it.  But nothing is meaningful.  I don't get any enjoyment out of it.  In fact, even when I'm doing other things, I just keep thinking about my wife and how much I want her here with me.  I simply cannot understand how things got to this point.  Not in the sense of how the passing occurred, but what was someone thinking to take my wife's life away?!  It just doesn't make any sense at all.  Going through this kind of suffering day in and day out really sucks.  It is really bad.   My entire days are consumed with grief.  When my wife died, a big piece of me died too.  I am just left with a body that has no meaning.

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15 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I've been feeling frustrated because nothing is helping, at the beginning it seems to be a little lighter because I was expecting to "wake up from this nightmare" but with time reality settles and that's when the pain becomes stronger and heavier. 

Nothing seems to helps for me, I don't know how is this going for you guys, people insist that with time everything "will be better", so far is getting worst and worst with every day that goes by. I still think daily in how badly I want to die, how miserable I feel and how miserable my future seems. Hopelessness is a reality, there is nothing that can help, nice words, concerning from my family it doesn't help, it doesn't make worst but either makes it better.

I feel exhausted and as you say is because this is a full time job, restless, we go bed tired and sad and we wake up feeling in the same way.

This is terrible sad and helpless, life is unfair and we lived this life even if we don't want to :(

You and I had our losses about a week from each other.  Things have not gotten better on my end as well.  Things are actually more difficult in some ways.  It is very different.   For me, going through my current phase of a new life without my wife (forever) is more painful than the initial shock of physically losing my wife.    I don't think anything helps.  All we can do is try to control and manage our pain.   I am very very sad to say the least.   I cannot fathom how such terrible things can happen in life.    I have no purpose.  I think about how much I miss her every minute.   My heart still holds on thinking that we will be together again.  But my brain knows not in this lifetime . At least not on earth.    I am at a complete loss.  I probably have 40-years to go.   I just want to go now.

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15 hours ago, Patti14 said:

 I know I have so much longer to go. It is so unfair for all of us.

Oh yes.  There is a long long road ahead.  I am so scared.  Even after grief, we still have to rebuild our life and start all over again.  Scary!

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7 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I am already in my fourth month and today is our anniversary, is like life is hitting me over and over again, I am in a point where I am totally helpless, nothing helps, nothing is enough support neither helps others concerning, I feel my life is also died, I am just a zombie. 

Anniversaries are tough.  I had mine 2 weeks ago.   What are you planning to do?   It is so awful to think about how we would have spent our day today, had this not happened.  It's suppose to be a happy day.

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

This is the home we built together. We are never going to share it again. It's awful and I am not ok with it.

This is one of my challenges too.  My wife and I spent the last several years doing many many projects to our home to make it ours.   We finally completed everything both inside and outside the house, including an expensive coffee table which we held off for many years because our finances were placed on other house improvements.   For our last purchase, the coffee table was finally bought and it was the final touch to our work.    We then went on our vacation and my wife never came back.  I lost her.

I cannot believe the timing.  But more importantly, I cannot deal with how she left me with OUR home.   I can't enjoy any bit of it because she is not around.  How can I?  I don't even know how to feel.  Should I become protective of our belongings?   What do I do?   I can't possibly invite someone else into the house to enjoy the things we've created together!   It's just too crazy to be in our caccoon, our sanctuary, but she is not here.

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I added a couple of things to my wife's Facebook page because we planned on doing so. Change of her last name and posted her favorite picture (her and the kids). 

Her mother went ballistic. Saying her name was never legally changed (it was) and that I needed to stop, etc. 

I understand the hurt but she's trying to blame me for Lauri's death and lashing out at me. I have always hated Facebook. I only was doing what Lauri would have wanted. I attempted to communicate with her mom but she refuses. 

Wtf am I supposed to do with this?

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I added a couple of things to my wife's Facebook page because we planned on doing so. Change of her last name and posted her favorite picture (her and the kids). 

Her mother went ballistic. Saying her name was never legally changed (it was) and that I needed to stop, etc. 

I understand the hurt but she's trying to blame me for Lauri's death and lashing out at me. I have always hated Facebook. I only was doing what Lauri would have wanted. I attempted to communicate with her mom but she refuses. 

Wtf am I supposed to do with this?

My wife’s family are terrible as well. They posted terrible and hurtful things on my wife’s fb page and when I logged into her account to delete them, a distant cousin contacted FB and had her page memorialized. That means nothing can ever be changed. No pictures or messages can ever be accessed again. I contacted FB to say that I didn’t want to do that but they wouldn’t reverse it. How can some random person be given the power to do such a thing against the wishes of the spouse? 

If I were you I would just ignore her family. They will never understand how much you meant to each other. They need someone to blame and it will probably always be you. I’ve recently been told by a therapist that staying away from them is the healthiest thing to do. I would give you the same advice.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

This is one of my challenges too.  My wife and I spent the last several years doing many many projects to our home to make it ours.   We finally completed everything both inside and outside the house, including an expensive coffee table which we held off for many years because our finances were placed on other house improvements.   For our last purchase, the coffee table was finally bought and it was the final touch to our work.    We then went on our vacation and my wife never came back.  I lost her.

I cannot believe the timing.  But more importantly, I cannot deal with how she left me with OUR home.   I can't enjoy any bit of it because she is not around.  How can I?  I don't even know how to feel.  Should I become protective of our belongings?   What do I do?   I can't possibly invite someone else into the house to enjoy the things we've created together!   It's just too crazy to be in our caccoon, our sanctuary, but she is not here.

Exactly! How can we allow anyone to touch or enjoy our spouses things. We worked hard together for them.  It is so crazy they are not here. 

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I added a couple of things to my wife's Facebook page because we planned on doing so. Change of her last name and posted her favorite picture (her and the kids). 

Her mother went ballistic. Saying her name was never legally changed (it was) and that I needed to stop, etc. 

I understand the hurt but she's trying to blame me for Lauri's death and lashing out at me. I have always hated Facebook. I only was doing what Lauri would have wanted. I attempted to communicate with her mom but she refuses. 

Wtf am I supposed to do with this?

That is your wife that is ridiculous. I don't get why people can act like that. I understand she is hurting to but she was your wife. Sorry hugs!

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17 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

My wife’s family are terrible as well. They posted terrible and hurtful things on my wife’s fb page and when I logged into her account to delete them, a distant cousin contacted FB and had her page memorialized. That means nothing can ever be changed. No pictures or messages can ever be accessed again. I contacted FB to say that I didn’t want to do that but they wouldn’t reverse it. How can some random person be given the power to do such a thing against the wishes of the spouse? 

If I were you I would just ignore her family. They will never understand how much you meant to each other. They need someone to blame and it will probably always be you. I’ve recently been told by a therapist that staying away from them is the healthiest thing to do. I would give you the same advice.

That ridiculous that they act that way. She was your wife. You should be the one to have rights to her Facebook not them. They should not have been able to do anything to it. I am sorry that is terrible. 

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9 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I am already in my fourth month and today is our anniversary

You are in my prayers today. My anniversary was back in May. I got through that day, but I couldn't tell you how. Every day is the same.  We miss them and try to struggle on without them.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

I can relate to this.  I do things these days just for the heck of doing it.  But nothing is meaningful.  I don't get any enjoyment out of it.  In fact, even when I'm doing other things, I just keep thinking about my wife and how much I want her here with me.  I simply cannot understand how things got to this point.  Not in the sense of how the passing occurred, but what was someone thinking to take my wife's life away?!  It just doesn't make any sense at all.  Going through this kind of suffering day in and day out really sucks.  It is really bad.   My entire days are consumed with grief.  When my wife died, a big piece of me died too.  I am just left with a body that has no meaning.

I feel it is safe to assume we all feel this way. We grow up being taught that there is a solution for every problem. Someone omitted this problem .There is no solution.

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19 minutes ago, KMB said:

I feel it is safe to assume we all feel this way. We grow up being taught that there is a solution for every problem. Someone omitted this problem .There is no solution.

There is no solution.   We are stuck.  It will be pain and suffering it's time for us to go.   I'm not looking forward to this.

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4 hours ago, Paluka said:

Wtf am I supposed to do with this?

Just keep doing what you need to for yourself and what Lauri wanted.  It is no one else's business. This is your grief road and you will do it your way. Like you said, Lauri's mom is reacting out of her pain. Sometimes, in pain, humans feel the need to blame something or someone. In the case of losing someone in an accident where another person is to blame, there is validation. It sounds as if Lauri's mom is acting irrationally and hopefully once she moves through the worst of the pain, she'll recognize that you are not to blame.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

There is no solution.   We are stuck.  It will be pain and suffering it's time for us to go.   I'm not looking forward to this.

 

1 hour ago, KMB said:

I feel it is safe to assume we all feel this way. We grow up being taught that there is a solution for every problem. Someone omitted this problem .There is no solution.

This is the hardest thing about losing them. I have always been a solution-oriented person. It seems to me that the only solution for this is to wait until we die of natural causes. It's waiting part that sucks. 

Everynight in my dreams these days, Bruce tells me he is NOT dead and he is at home and that it's silly that I thought he was gone. He keeps telling me he misses me and why didn't I go to see him at all... It assures me in my sleep and I relieve thinking "Oh he is not dead. Thank god! It's not too late for anything. Thank god thank god!" and I wake up remembering it IS too late. 

I think my mind does this on purpose to relieve me into a few hours of sleeep but it's really painful to wake up and be hit by the reality all over. 

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3 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

How can some random person be given the power to do such a thing against the wishes of the spouse? 

That is terrible!  A distant cousin has more pull than a spouse? The surviving spouse has the legal power and it should be honored. Shame on facebook!

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3 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

My wife’s family are terrible as well. They posted terrible and hurtful things on my wife’s fb page and when I logged into her account to delete them, a distant cousin contacted FB and had her page memorialized. That means nothing can ever be changed. No pictures or messages can ever be accessed again. I contacted FB to say that I didn’t want to do that but they wouldn’t reverse it. How can some random person be given the power to do such a thing against the wishes of the spouse? 

If I were you I would just ignore her family. They will never understand how much you meant to each other. They need someone to blame and it will probably always be you. I’ve recently been told by a therapist that staying away from them is the healthiest thing to do. I would give you the same advice.

This is unbelievable. Even the distant, formal and cold sympathies of my boyfriends family sounds warm after reading these! I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation on top of the pain of losing our loved ones! 

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8 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

it's really painful to wake up and be hit by the reality all over. 

Every single day. Makes me wonder about our loved one in Heaven and what they think about this separation. They can see and hear us. They have the advantage. And we are the miserable ones.

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11 minutes ago, KMB said:

Every single day. Makes me wonder about our loved one in Heaven and what they think about this separation. They can see and hear us. They have the advantage. And we are the miserable ones.

I don't think it's all too great for them either. It would be pretty bad for me to watch my boyfriend become miserable, helpess and devastated over my death and being unable to let him know I was say next to him, trying to hold him etc. 

After my dream of him sat by my bedside watching over me with tears on his face, I don't think it's such a pleasant feeling for him either. 

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45 minutes ago, KMB said:

That is terrible!  A distant cousin has more pull than a spouse? The surviving spouse has the legal power and it should be honored. Shame on facebook!

Technically it doesn’t even have to be a relative. If someone contacts Facebook and provides proof that someone is deceased, like an online obit, the account is locked and memorialized. I went round and round with FB support via email because they don’t have a phone number. They just kept repeating the same message over and over. Eventually I asked if I was talking to a human or an automated response and said I would be more than happy to get a court order proving who I was. I never got a response back after that.

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

 

This is the hardest thing about losing them. I have always been a solution-oriented person. It seems to me that the only solution for this is to wait until we die of natural causes. It's waiting part that sucks. 

Everynight in my dreams these days, Bruce tells me he is NOT dead and he is at home and that it's silly that I thought he was gone. He keeps telling me he misses me and why didn't I go to see him at all... It assures me in my sleep and I relieve thinking "Oh he is not dead. Thank god! It's not too late for anything. Thank god thank god!" and I wake up remembering it IS too late. 

I think my mind does this on purpose to relieve me into a few hours of sleeep but it's really painful to wake up and be hit by the reality all over. 

I have not even had a dream about my husband Greg yet. I keep hoping I dream of him but nothing yet. All I have are memories and sadness.

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5 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I have not even had a dream about my husband Greg yet. I keep hoping I dream of him but nothing yet. All I have are memories and sadness.

You're still too early in loss. I hope that in time you will have dreams with your husband in it. Maybe even visitation dreams. 

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5 hours ago, Paluka said:

I added a couple of things to my wife's Facebook page because we planned on doing so. Change of her last name and posted her favorite picture (her and the kids). 

Her mother went ballistic. Saying her name was never legally changed (it was) and that I needed to stop, etc. 

I understand the hurt but she's trying to blame me for Lauri's death and lashing out at me. I have always hated Facebook. I only was doing what Lauri would have wanted. I attempted to communicate with her mom but she refuses. 

Wtf am I supposed to do with this?

You can't make her mom see anything.  Give her some space, perhaps in time she'll come around, perhaps not.  Continue to be true to Lauri's wishes and do what you need to do.  Right now her mom is grieving too and in her grief is striking out at you...sometimes people who are grieving do that.  It's not what you need, that's for sure but nothing makes sense anymore, nothing about this.  You did what Lauri would hace wanted, I hope that is enough to content yourself with because sometimes that's all we have to focus on.

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13 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

You're still too early in loss. I hope that in time you will have dreams with your husband in it. Maybe even visitation dreams. 

I am waiting for that day. It's really all I have to look forward to now.

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57 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Technically it doesn’t even have to be a relative. If someone contacts Facebook and provides proof that someone is deceased, like an online obit, the account is locked and memorialized.

They need to change their rules. If I am fortunate enough to know ahead of time of my departure from this earth, I will delete my own account.

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8 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I know what you mean nothing good is left inside of me either. Our anniversary is coming up Saturday. I am helpless to and people expect you to just go on living. This is the home we built together. We are never going to share it again. It's awful and I am not ok with it.

If you ask me, I think we will never be OK with this, is too much to handle, the pain, the memories, the reality, I don't know how is your situation but Mario died suddenly, he was fine and healthy and the accident happened and a week before I was next to his coffin, still is hard to believe, to understand and coping in a good way is not my thing, my mind is constantly recalling the bad moments, his last moments and all I think is how unfair this is. I don't care people's expectations anymore, they like to think they have the right to tell us what to do and think because "they care", bullsh*t, if they care they just should stay there giving a hand, a hug of support, not telling us what to do. Anniversaries are terrible to go through without them, do what you need to do and we will be here for you if you need us.

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39 minutes ago, KMB said:

They need to change their rules. If I am fortunate enough to know ahead of time of my departure from this earth, I will delete my own account.

They have what they call legacy contacts. So if you die, that person does have control of your account. But who at 34 years old is thinking about what to do with their FB account when they die? We certainly were not. I wish all the time I had made myself her legacy contact when I deleted those messages.

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7 hours ago, Azipod said:

You and I had our losses about a week from each other.  Things have not gotten better on my end as well.  Things are actually more difficult in some ways.  It is very different.   For me, going through my current phase of a new life without my wife (forever) is more painful than the initial shock of physically losing my wife.    I don't think anything helps.  All we can do is try to control and manage our pain.   I am very very sad to say the least.   I cannot fathom how such terrible things can happen in life.    I have no purpose.  I think about how much I miss her every minute.   My heart still holds on thinking that we will be together again.  But my brain knows not in this lifetime . At least not on earth.    I am at a complete loss.  I probably have 40-years to go.   I just want to go now.

I think you put all my thoughts into words, I feel and think exactly the same, the shock in the first month was hard to handle but now is a harder phase to go through, as reality settles, also settles our lonely future, a future without them, I feel frustrated most of the time, helpless and as you I can not find motivation, I tried to "go back to my old plans" the plans I made when I was still single, but everything seems worthless, I wonder: why do I have to keep studying? why do I have to find a job or better job? there is nothing that motivate me, hobbies and hang out with people is not my favorite thing, I just spend a lot of time watching series so at least for a couple of minutes I can escape from this awful reality. As you I hope I can be reunited with Mario one more time but still I have to go through 50 more years into this situation. 

It doesn't seems to get better, I feel worst and people say: you look better, well maybe I am better at hide it because I am tired of listen to people tell me what to do, or how to feel, so is kinda worst because I am taking all the weight of grieving and pain and loneliness by my own and it feels like a seed of bitterness is growing inside me.

I didn't plan anything for today, I am not working and all my money goes to the psychologist so I wasn't able to do anything, I wake up at 2:00 pm so I just hope the day goes fast and so I can back to bed soon and not think about all this pain. I'd loved to go the beach when his ashes where spread but the weather here in Costa Rica is horrible, is raining every day all day long and we just faced Nate a Tropical Storm and a lot of highways are damage, so is not a good idea to travel neither to stay close to a beach, it seems I just have to stay here and cry.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

You are in my prayers today. My anniversary was back in May. I got through that day, but I couldn't tell you how. Every day is the same.  We miss them and try to struggle on without them.

Well so far I am doing terrible, I just want to play forward in my life to the day I have to die and I don't care about living or celebrating I just want this to finish. I was always so enthusiastic for holidays and Christmas and so my family, but now as time passes it seems like a nightmare go through those days without him, pretending to be happy, pretending a lot of things, I just want to get into a room and not knowing about any celebration or anything, it seems so difficult.

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22 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

If you ask me, I think we will never be OK with this, is too much to handle, the pain, the memories, the reality, I don't know how is your situation but Mario died suddenly, he was fine and healthy and the accident happened and a week before I was next to his coffin, still is hard to believe, to understand and coping in a good way is not my thing, my mind is constantly recalling the bad moments, his last moments and all I think is how unfair this is. I don't care people's expectations anymore, they like to think they have the right to tell us what to do and think because "they care", bullsh*t, if they care they just should stay there giving a hand, a hug of support, not telling us what to do. Anniversaries are terrible to go through without them, do what you need to do and we will be here for you if you need us.

My Greg was ok Friday the day before he passed away. He picked me up from work we rode home together laughing and joking. He dropped me off because it was his Friday to go play cards with friends. I went out to and came home and went to sleep. He got in late because it was a night that they had a late game. I heard him come in but didn't say anything  because I was tired. Saturday morning I got up and went back in the bedroom to get dressed and he was having a seizure it looked like. I ran and got my sister and they tried to wake him while I called 911. It took them forever to awnser and over 10 minutes to get there. They kept telling me to calm down. How do you calm down when you are watching your husband die and they are in no hurry.  They didn't even take him to the hospital. They worked on him for an hour and said they couldn't save him. They said they did an external exam and blamed it on heart disease. I am so heartbroken I couldn't save him. 

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15 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

But who at 34 years old is thinking about what to do with their FB account when they die? We certainly were not.

I wouldn't have been at that age either. FB didn't exist yet when I was 34. And now, the financial experts claim that a person should have a will and health directives made up by the time a person is 30. Crap, who is thinking of death at that age. Most people at that age don't have much for assets, much less thinking of death.

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21 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

pretending to be happy, pretending a lot of things

We do get good at putting that mask on and pretending.  I don't do it for the ones who really know me though. If they want to stick with me, they get my real self.

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12 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

My Greg was ok Friday the day before he passed away.

My husband had a good last day also, which was also a Friday. Everything was normal. We had a friend over for the day and we sat at the kitchen table having coffee and laughing. We spent the afternoon outside. Normal supper and evening. Normal bedtime. When I replay that last day, there were no red flags I can see.

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22 minutes ago, KMB said:

My husband had a good last day also, which was also a Friday. Everything was normal. We had a friend over for the day and we sat at the kitchen table having coffee and laughing. We spent the afternoon outside. Normal supper and evening. Normal bedtime. When I replay that last day, there were no red flags I can see.

I still don't get how they can seem just fine and then be gone just like that. It just doesn't seem right.

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I've cut off contact with all of Lauri's family except her two adult kids. They "get it." They knew how happy we were and do not try to blame me for anything. Her mom was pretty toxic before Lauri's death. She's off the chain now. 

It's very sad to me that this is happening. All of this is hard enough as it is. 

Thank you all for your input. I will continue to honor my beloved Lauri's wishes and to honor her. She would get me to laugh at all this craziness. Damn, I miss her so much!! 

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7 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I still don't get how they can seem just fine and then be gone just like that. It just doesn't seem right.

It's not right. It's unfair, traumatic, and painful beyond words. 

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4 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I've cut off contact with all of Lauri's family except her two adult kids. They "get it." They knew how happy we were and do not try to blame me for anything. Her mom was pretty toxic before Lauri's death. She's off the chain now. 

It's very sad to me that this is happening. All of this is hard enough as it is. 

Thank you all for your input. I will continue to honor my beloved Lauri's wishes and to honor her. She would get me to laugh at all this craziness. Damn, I miss her so much!! 

My husband had that gift to of making me laugh at everything. It is really sad when people should pull together and be there for one another they act like that.

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3 minutes ago, Paluka said:

It's not right. It's unfair, traumatic, and painful beyond words. 

Yes way to painful. I don't wish this pain on anyone.

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

My Greg was ok Friday the day before he passed away. He picked me up from work we rode home together laughing and joking. He dropped me off because it was his Friday to go play cards with friends. I went out to and came home and went to sleep. He got in late because it was a night that they had a late game. I heard him come in but didn't say anything  because I was tired. Saturday morning I got up and went back in the bedroom to get dressed and he was having a seizure it looked like. I ran and got my sister and they tried to wake him while I called 911. It took them forever to awnser and over 10 minutes to get there. They kept telling me to calm down. How do you calm down when you are watching your husband die and they are in no hurry.  They didn't even take him to the hospital. They worked on him for an hour and said they couldn't save him. They said they did an external exam and blamed it on heart disease. I am so heartbroken I couldn't save him. 

Patti I am so sorry, I wasn't living with Mario yet, he was at work and get home and then his car trapped him against the gate of his house and he asphyxiated, the paramedics last more than 10 minutes to get there and did CPR and he made it to the hospital but after 5 days he was diagnosed with brain death, the accident was on Monday and we spent that weekend together, we had so much fun, the relationship was strong and as always we were planing our next weekend together, it was all so sudden. I know how it feels to be told to "calm down" when all the world is falling apart right in front of your eyes, I know the feeling the pain and desperation. I can not say wise words to make you feel better, all I can offer you is my empathy, letting you know that as you I know how it feels, it was different situations and still the pain is so alike.

Mario asked me to stay that Monday with him and I refused because I had some plans to spent the Tuesday with him, I wonder if only I accepted I could save him, help him. It is so sad but no we couldn't save them but there is not much we could do, bad things happens and it happens to good people 

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

We do get good at putting that mask on and pretending.  I don't do it for the ones who really know me though. If they want to stick with me, they get my real self.

Well you are lucky because I pretend to be fine for my parents, mostly for my dad, he is not handling good my depression so I try to "look good" so he is not constantly asking me why or trying to fix me, is easier to me to pretend than to explain or be responsible for my parents sadness.

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5 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Patti I am so sorry, I wasn't living with Mario yet, he was at work and get home and then his car trapped him against the gate of his house and he asphyxiated, the paramedics last more than 10 minutes to get there and did CPR and he made it to the hospital but after 5 days he was diagnosed with brain death, the accident was on Monday and we spent that weekend together, we had so much fun, the relationship was strong and as always we were planing our next weekend together, it was all so sudden. I know how it feels to be told to "calm down" when all the world is falling apart right in front of your eyes, I know the feeling the pain and desperation. I can not say wise words to make you feel better, all I can offer you is my empathy, letting you know that as you I know how it feels, it was different situations and still the pain is so alike.

Mario asked me to stay that Monday with him and I refused because I had some plans to spent the Tuesday with him, I wonder if only I accepted I could save him, help him. It is so sad but no we couldn't save them but there is not much we could do, bad things happens and it happens to good people 

I am sorry for your pain as well. It hurts when you lose the one you love. We keep running the what ifs in our heads thinking we could have saved them. It's because we can't deal with it and wish there was something we could do. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have been with my husband since I was 19 years old. That is all my adult life and I don't know how to do it without him. I think there is a real problem with our emergency system. When it takes them forever to even pick up the phone. Also when it takes them over 10 minutes to get here.

 

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2 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I am sorry for your pain as well. It hurts when you lose the one you love. We keep running the what ifs in our heads thinking we could have saved them. It's because we can't deal with it and wish there was something we could do. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have been with my husband since I was 19 years old. That is all my adult life and I don't know how to do it without him. I think there is a real problem with our emergency system. When it takes them forever to even pick up the phone. Also when it takes them over 10 minutes to get here.

 

Oh well, I am from Costa Rica, here the Emergency system is terrible, they called the 911 and after 5 minutes they return the call to say there was no Red Cruise's Ambulance nearby so they were sending the Firefighters' Ambulance, and as they notify so late it take 5 more minutes to respond, plus even if some people was there no one was capable of doing CPR while the Ambulance was coming, it's more a cultural and social problem and everything together ended up in a death, a young man of only 26 years old died because no one knew how to help him and the emergency system worked in the worst possible way as it could. But it's pointless to blame, it only adds pain and anger to the grieve.

I don't know what to do without him neither, I wonder what's life expecting of me.

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3 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Oh well, I am from Costa Rica, here the Emergency system is terrible, they called the 911 and after 5 minutes they return the call to say there was no Red Cruise's Ambulance nearby so they were sending the Firefighters' Ambulance, and as they notify so late it take 5 more minutes to respond, plus even if some people was there no one was capable of doing CPR while the Ambulance was coming, it's more a cultural and social problem and everything together ended up in a death, a young man of only 26 years old died because no one knew how to help him and the emergency system worked in the worst possible way as it could. But it's pointless to blame, it only adds pain and anger to the grieve.

I don't know what to do without him neither, I wonder what's life expecting of me.

Here it should not have taken that long. We live 4 minutes from the hospital and that is driving at 40 mph. The fire station is right across the street. I know what you mean I don't know what life is expecting out of me either.

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

I still don't get how they can seem just fine and then be gone just like that. It just doesn't seem right.

I know. I don't understand that myself. You would think the body would have some kind of signals internally and show something externally. But, with my husband, there was nothing. I am thankful that it was quick and painless. We would all like to pass that way.

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