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I feel like a part of me died


Jss

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Last night I had my 12.5 year old cat Sophie put to sleep. She was fine just one week ago-or so I thought. I've had Sophie since she was a few weeks old. She and I have been through so much together, I feel like we sort of grew up together. I got her when I was 22 years old and In my first apartment. Since then there's been so many life changes and she's been a part of all of them. I've had her so long, I don't remember not having her. A few years ago I took in two more cats-one of whom is now diabetic. Jacks diabetes was really acting up in the last few months and I probably spent close to $1500 or more on tests, visits to get his insulin dose right, medication etc. I noticed a lot of diarrhea in the litter boxes and assumed it was probably jack or if it was Sophie, it was probably because she sometimes had bouts of IBS. I should've took her in, instead I gave them both anti diarrhea meds and probiotics. I didn't think it was anything major and I'd already brought jack in so much I was going broke. I didn't see any other signs of Illness in Sophie. She was her normal self. Greeting me at the door when I get home from work, cuddling on my lap to watch tv and purring up a storm. One week ago today she was herself. Then 6 days ago I woke up and Sophie was a completely different cat. She seemed out of touch and she wouldn't eat. I brought her to the vet the next day. She started stumbling and losing her balance. They did blood work.

the next day the vet called and told me Sophie's kidneys were 'profoundly damaged' and she was given 2-6 months to live. The vet encouraged me to bring her in for fluids daily. I brought her three straight nights this past week but she only ate twice in four days. For the last three she could not eat at all. I was giving her fluids, appetite stimulant, anti nausea meds every day just trying to prolong her life and give her quality of life.

she didn't respond. No eating. Just lying around not moving. Stumbling. It's been a nightmare. Then yesterday I lied on the floor next to her and she was shaking. I knew she was in terrible pain and the treatments weren't working. I had to call a friend to get me to take her to the vet. I knew I had to let her go but this had been the worst decision of my life.

i feel guilt, I feel agony. I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe I signed a paper to end her life. I can't stop crying. I expect to see her everywhere and it's killing me. Everyone told me there was really nothing more I could've done. But I feel like I gave up on her. I miss her and I just want her back. I'm in more pain than I ever imagined before this week. I'm just a mess. I can barely walk around my house cause there are reminders of her everywhere. I miss her like a part of myself is gone. 

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Hi Jss, I am so so sorry to read about sweet Sophie. Please do not feel guilty, you did the right thing - the humane thing. It's not what you wanted to do but you ended her suffering which was the kind thing to do. That does not change how much you miss her or sad you are. I recently lost my wonderful cat we'd had for 10 years suddenly from what we think was some kind of poison. We are in a vacation rental for the summer and I have no idea what he got into but we were totally shocked and devastated. It's been about 6 weeks since we lost him. So, I understand your guilt (although you should have none) and your pain and sadness for sure. Your love for her was such that everything you are going through is normal. All I can say is you gave her a wonderful life - together - and I hope after this initial agony subsides you can start remembering all the happy times. (That took me some time.) Let yourself cry and grieve. t's not easy but everyone here on this forum understands all too well.         

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Thank you. I am sorry for your loss too. I just had no clue how bad this would be. I never wanted to think about losing her. This is as bad and in most cases worse than losing people in my past. I can't say as bad as other losses have been that many have come close to the intensity of the grief I'm feeling. She felt like the one constant in my life. I just never pictured her not being here cause it feels like she always had been, it's truly awful.

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JSS,

I am so sorry. You say you feel guilt but that is a side effect of grief, it's not that you deserve to feel that way, you don't.  You did everything you could, and in the end you thought of HER first and wanted to spare her any more suffering.  Yes, she might have lived a little longer but at what price to her?  Is that really living to not be able to eat or move, to shake and not feel good?  Her quality of life was severely compromised and there's no coming back from that.  This is the rule of thumb I've always used when deciding it was time with one of my pets.  If they're in pain and no longer happy and you can't change it, it's time to put my feelings aside and do what is best for them.  And that is what you did.  In my estimation, you are a very good sacrificial mommy, which is the best any pet could hope for.  

I know it hurts to lose them, oh God I know, and I wish there was some way around that.  Our grief equals our love.  In time the grief pain diminishes but the love never does, it's just part of our body's resilience that's built in.  And when someday you start to smile or enjoy your day, try to remember, that is to be coveted, not felt guilty for, it means your body is on track and doing what it should.

You will be with your cat again, I truly believe there is afterlife for our pets as well as us, and that keeps me going.  Yes we miss them in the here and now, but it's a temporary absence not permanent.

 

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Thank you. I just miss her desperately and hope she knows I only let her go cause I didn't want her to suffer and starve to death. I guess you don't realize just how profound an absence they leave until they aren't there.

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That's for sure!  You might know ahead of time but there's nothing like the finality to hit us in the face with it!  And it continues seeping in the further out we go.  

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JSS,

your pain and suffering is palpable. You demonstrated how much you loved her by letting her go.  That’s truly love. Keeping her alive for your benefit would not only have been selfish but cruel as she was in such agony. I wish I knew a way to avoid the devastation, suffering and grief associated with a major loss, but unfortunately, I don’t. I lost my 14 year old baby boy (Maltese) a week ago. Like you, it was totally unexpected. He was just fine on Saturday. On Monday when I landed in Vegas for a business conference, I called to check on him and the doctors said he wasn’t going to make it. I was in disbelief and asked my neighbor to be with him. He died before she got there. It kills me that I wasn’t with him when he passed. He was so very attached and anxious when I was gone (which was rare). It’s been just us for the past 4 years. That’s when I lost his sister, to the day. I share all the feelings you’ve expressed and my hear goes out to you in this very difficult time. I pray the pain of their absence lessens soon. 

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On 10/9/2017 at 0:49 PM, Sheila D said:

JSS,

your pain and suffering is palpable. You demonstrated how much you loved her by letting her go.  That’s truly love. Keeping her alive for your benefit would not only have been selfish but cruel as she was in such agony. I wish I knew a way to avoid the devastation, suffering and grief associated with a major loss, but unfortunately, I don’t. I lost my 14 year old baby boy (Maltese) a week ago. Like you, it was totally unexpected. He was just fine on Saturday. On Monday when I landed in Vegas for a business conference, I called to check on him and the doctors said he wasn’t going to make it. I was in disbelief and asked my neighbor to be with him. He died before she got there. It kills me that I wasn’t with him when he passed. He was so very attached and anxious when I was gone (which was rare). It’s been just us for the past 4 years. That’s when I lost his sister, to the day. I share all the feelings you’ve expressed and my hear goes out to you in this very difficult time. I pray the pain of their absence lessens soon. 

@Sheila D I am so sorry to read what happened to your sweet dog. What a terrible shock! I hope you are doing okay. I know it is not much, at least he was surrounded by good people who were taking care of him. The sudden loss must be so hard for you - I know it has been for me. I continue to grieve the loss of our cat after 2 months. All you can do is mourn and try to take each day one at a time.   

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