Members babyhatton Posted May 20, 2010 Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 On April 2,2010...My senior year of high school...My spring break...On the way to a convention...I got a call.. The call turned out to be my grandmother...Calling me to tell me that my father had died...All I could do was scream and my boyfriend pulled over and I just jumped out and began to sob... My father and I never really got along, we were very different most of the time and I tended to avoid him and resent him for a lot of the things he had done in my life...But I always thought that once I was moved out and on my own, I would appreciate him more with time... That time was taken away from me!We weren't close and I didn't tell him how much I admired him and loved him enough...Everyone thought I hated him...Even I thought that once he died that I wouldn't hurt as much as I am...Now I cry more than anyone in my family about it, I break down with music or smells or just people in general...I can't figure out how to cope.I've always been the "black sheep" and the moment I found out he died I knew it should have been me...He was so close with my mother and my brother...They didn't need me...I feel so selfish and guilty and hurt....I say that I hurt so much more than others because we had gotten into a fight last winter and we never fully made up...My mom told me that when he was at the doctor (unrelated to his death) getting a spinal tap that he kept talking about me and how he was sorry...But I never got to hear it, I never got to make peace...My brother was next to him asleep while he died...And even though I KNOW he must hurt more than me, I can't help but feel that I'm suffering so much...Because the one thing I wanted,NEEDED my dad for he can't be around to see...My graduation...That was the only thing in the world I wanted him to see.What do I do now? What do I do when I can't make peace with him, prove to him that I cared...prove to him that I'm worth something?I cry at least twice a day over it...More whenever his mother (my grandmother) tells me that he never cared and that when we left that day for vacation that he didn't come and say bye to me... I'm going crazy...I even took the matress that he died on and moved it to my room...I know that he cared, for my year book he had written a note that was published in the back...But I'm still hurting...There is so much that goes into this...Anger,Sadness,hurt,fear,loneliness...I'm 18 and I haven't had time to calm down...What can I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.