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I'm back with a new fear


sad_maddie

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It's me, Maddie again. It's been slightly over a month since 'this'. I don't feel any better. Also I got a new fear... I'm starting highschool on Monday. It'll be the first schoolyear without him, during previous 3 years I pretty got used to starting a year with him beside me. But, this time it'll be completely, totally different. And I'm scared. Really scared. My female friends absolutely don't understand me, they don't even try. They think that after a month everything should be okay with me, I should be totally fine and so on. But personally, I don't feel ANY difference. I feel as if it was yesterday, as if it happend yesterday. I'm maybe a little bit more calm, but I still kind of 'break out' crying. But let's get to the main point of my today's post: I'm afraid of going to school. Well, I've been going to a private school (middle school) and now I'm kind of continuing it because well, for example it was named "Middle School XYZ", and now I'm going to "High School XYZ". It's very small, it's in the same building, I'll have my lessons in the same classrooms, because these are kind of 'two schools in one building, middle school and high school'. So, I'm afraid that I'll be overwhelmed by memories. I'm afraid that it'll be hard for me to be there, without him. I have a lot of friends that I can spend time with but... It doesn't make me feel more confident. The only good thing is that I'll have to study at home after school, it'll take hours, if I add working out to it, it'll take my whole time after school so technically I wouldn't even have time to think about 'this'. Also I hope that I'd get to know someone that'd become close to me... Ugh, I just want a sincere hug that lasts long, I miss having it. Do you have any advice for me? I'm so scared of going there back...

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Hi Maddie, I don't know what to give you for advice. Maybe, if the school building is open during the weekend, you can go and take a walk through. Just to get your bearings a bit, test the waters, so to speak, so it isn't quite a shock for you on Monday. If that isn't possible, maybe ask a good friend to walk with you into the building on Monday morning and stay close to you throughout the day if they can .I know how hard and scary it will be, but all of us have to face the "firsts". The more often we do, the stronger we become. Soon, you will be in the routine of school, homework, friends and activities. You will survive and you do have us here as well. I'm rooting for you, Maddie!

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Hi Maddie,  That's great advice from KMB and I would take it a step further and phone the principal or a teacher who understands your situation and ask if you could have some time in the classrooms you feel will pose the most angst.  Of course it may not be possible at such short short notice and it being the weekend, but it is always worth asking - they can only say say no.  

The crying episodes do go on for a long time as what cannot be said, will be wept.

Sending you strength, love and hugsX

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Hi Maddie, M88 and KMB gave you a immediate really good advice. If I were you I wouldn't come back to that school, I am easily triggered by places and I know myself good enough to know I wont make, I'll be crying constantly distracted thinking about the memories and in the "What if" and "How it would be if". But I understand if you wanted to stay because of your friends, use them as a support, if you need to cry excuse yourself and walk out to the classroom and cry as much as you need. Do the teachers know about your situation? If not, they should know, you are now facing a total change in your life, so if they know they can give the space and the chance to take care of yourself when you need to.

I think we all here have talk about how people don't understand us, and it is because they have never been through this on their own skin. One month is a really short period of time, is too recent, the memories of the tragedy are still "fresh" and still the pain and sadness are overwhelming for you. It doesn't mean they don't love, they are there for you and worrying about you, I know is bad time to be patient with someone else when we are in so much need of support and love, always keep in mind that this is real for you, your relationship, your love and sadly the tragedy.

"This" is a tragedy, you lost your boyfriend, the love of your life and your soulmate, you have to be patient with yourself, I wish I could tell you that at any time this will be better, but it is a process and it will take time. Is really mature from you to know that the best way to cope with this is looking some ways to keep your mind busy, of course school will help and also exercise, it is confirmed that exercising is good fighting back sadness.

My best advice? Be patient with yourself.

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Thank you all for your advice. Unfortunately, I can't visit this school before Monday, because there was a renovation and they have to tidy up after it. All the teachers and principals know, because he was also going to this school, he was in class 'A' and I was in class 'B', also we were meant to be in the same class in this highschool, so they all knew him very well, they've been teaching him for 3 years. 

I miss him so much. Now everything is a challenge for me. Waking up and getting out of the bed is a challenge. Going out of home is a challenge. Everything, just everything. I'm trying to distract my mind from thinking about it, but it doesn't always help. Even if I'm focusing my mind on other stuff, sometime these thoughts are coming and I can't resist it. I was totally attached to him, then I didn't even realize that he was everything for me... But now I know. Nothing makes sense for me. I loved hiking, baking, learning foreign languages, fitness and some other things, but I always shared it somehow with him. When I was hiking, I sent him pictures from the peak of the mountain or so. When I was baking, he tasted it and told me if it was tasty or not. When I was learning new languages he was always proud of my progress and I told him about some funny vocabulary that I got to know. In fitness, I shared with him the results and he was always like: Oh wow, I can see the difference, for example: your abs is more toned, that's so nice, it looks so good! And now I don't enjoy any of these activities.

Ehh, also he did everything the same. He loved basketball, working out, learning economics... He also shared it all with me. I miss it, when I could tell him: wow, I'm so proud of you, you did so well!

I'm really tired of this situation.

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18 hours ago, sad_maddie said:

They think that after a month everything should be okay with me, I should be totally fine and so on.

We know that's not reality.  To them I would say, "Nothing has changed, he is still gone."  Of COURSE you are still grieving!  Grief does not have an end.  It shows people's ignorance about it to think otherwise.  We don't know until we go through it.
I wish you strength getting through the start of your school year and wish you the best with it.  I know you miss him. :(

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