Shattered (new here)

[Iriss]

"And I'd give up forever to touch you..." I never could have imagined that "our song" would have such a different meaning now.

6 years ago I was sitting in an airport restaurant at the bar and this super confident man approached me and bought me a drink. We had this great conversation and talked for over an hour.  We learned we were flying to the same city and that was that.  But, while at the bar, the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls came on at some point and we got into this odd conversation about the band, I don't know. Anyway, it may have been a different choice, but it became "our song." Tonight I was sitting alone at an airport, waiting for my flight to return to this empty home, and Iris started playing on another passenger's computer right there in the airport lounge.  I started crying and I am sure looked like an absolute insane person. Sitting here I go from feeling like it was a sign and some comfort that he could have been reaching out to utter devastation that I will never have anymore conversations with him. No more late night dance parties or midnight runs for some junk food. No more endless chats about absolutely nothing. No more inside jokes. No more even just sitting in silence next to one another...among countless other things.

I had 6 amazing years with an unbelievable man. Now I feel shattered. My mind is in complete disarray and I have no idea what I am doing anymore.

My love was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the age of 30. He was diagnosed last November, we were married in December, and he died on June 25th at the age of 31.  We knew from the start that the odds were against us. I've had some people say to me "oh, you must be relieved now that he isn't suffering." Of course nobody wants to see their love fade away, but relieved is far from the word I would use. We should be enjoying life as newlyweds, instead I'm alone and he's gone.

I am sorry if this first post is jumbled. I needed to let this out somewhere and hopefully find others who understand to not feel so alone. Thank you for reading.

[TooDevastated]

5 hours ago, Iriss said:

No more late night dance parties or midnight runs for some junk food. No more endless chats about absolutely nothing. No more inside jokes. No more even just sitting in silence next to one another...among countless other things.

I broke into tears reading this. Unfortunately, I know your pain all too well. 

This is the hardest part isnt it? Endless chats and laughs about nothing, inside jokes that wouldnt mean anything to others, simple silent cuddles under a blanket... Its heart-breaking that we lost all of that. We lost what has become our soul and heart in the years spent together. 

My boyfriend suddenly died 7 weeks ago  due to a heart attack and I havent been doing well since then. It was so quick, so unexpected. He was only 35. He had his funeral before we could have our wedding... There is nothing I can say to make you feel better. But please write and share your feelings for we, here, understand each other better than everyone else out there. You'll find unconditional support and understanding here. *Hugs*

[Eagle-96]

Iriss,

So sorry for your loss. People don't understand that we don't just say goodbye to the person. We also say goodbye to the inside jokes, butterflies in our stomach, stolen glances, hugs in the morning, laughter, late night conversations, and on and on and on. We lose half of our being. Our whole identity, that was once tied to our soulmate, is altered. But know that we are here for you. We all walk down this terrible road with you. We will be here to listen, provide advice, and help in any way we can. And we do these things without preconceived notions or judgement. I pray for your peace and comfort.

[KayC]

Iriss,

I listened to the song, I had not heard it before, the words are beautiful and I can imagine how much meaning they carry for you.  It's like it has double meaning now.  Maybe when you hear it randomly like that you can think of it as him reaching out to you.

Everything you said, it's not a jumble, it is how we all feel.  No of course relieved is not how you feel.  There isn't one word that sums up how we all feel now.  I am sorry for your tremendous loss.

[Azipod]

Iriss, 

I am sorry to hear about your loss.  Your story hits home, hard.   I lost my wife on 07/01/2017.  We too were married for about 6-years.  Although my wife did have a chronic illness, she was in remission and none of us ever had the thought that it could take her away so soon.  I married her truly believing that we would have a long time together.  I was wrong.  We are also in our 30s.    I know how you feel.   This is the beginning of a long, long journey.    I am sorry too.  My thoughts are jumbled as well.

[Iriss]

7 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I broke into tears reading this. Unfortunately, I know your pain all too well. 

This is the hardest part isnt it? Endless chats and laughs about nothing, inside jokes that wouldnt mean anything to others, simple silent cuddles under a blanket... Its heart-breaking that we lost all of that. We lost what has become our soul and heart in the years spent together.

I'm sorry I made you cry, I guess that probably happens here a lot though. There is some comfort in not being alone in this. You "get it." I'm sad that you do.

I wish I could say more than I'm sorry to you. Nobody should be in our shoes. My heart aches for you reading that you had to have a funeral before a wedding. 

I think that any death is difficult, but different aspects to an illness vs sudden. Originally I was to be wed this past spring, but after my husband's diagnosis we decided to move it up. It was actually a very sweet moment. While having some additional testing done in the very early days where we were still learning and trying to process the thought of cancer a nurse trying to make conversation asked my husband when we were getting married. All he said to her was: "not soon enough." 

I'm sorry that you didn't get your wedding. I wish I could give you a tight hug, but know that the legal piece of paper doesn't change the depth of one's love. 

 

5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 But know that we are here for you. We all walk down this terrible road with you. We will be here to listen, provide advice, and help in any way we can. And we do these things without preconceived notions or judgement. I pray for your peace and comfort.

^ thank you for the this. I so appreciate everything you wrote here. I'm so sorry to have to meet you here, but I'm so very glad that I've found this place now. 

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Iriss,

I listened to the song, I had not heard it before, the words are beautiful and I can imagine how much meaning they carry for you.  It's like it has double meaning now.  Maybe when you hear it randomly like that you can think of it as him reaching out to you.

Everything you said, it's not a jumble, it is how we all feel.  No of course relieved is not how you feel.  There isn't one word that sums up how we all feel now.  I am sorry for your tremendous loss.

I'm happy that you enjoyed the beautiful song. Yes, it has such a different meaning now. I do think it was a sign from him. Hopefully he knew I needed to have a little piece of him with me. 

Thank you for the welcome. I'm very sorry for your loss also! 

[Iriss]

3 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Iriss, 

I am sorry to hear about your loss.  Your story hits home, hard.   I lost my wife on 07/01/2017.  We too were married for about 6-years.  Although my wife did have a chronic illness, she was in remission and none of us ever had the thought that it could take her away so soon.  I married her truly believing that we would have a long time together.  I was wrong.  We are also in our 30s.    I know how you feel.   This is the beginning of a long, long journey.    I am sorry too.  My thoughts are jumbled as well.

I'm so sorry to have this great loss in common. While I was with my husband for 6 years, we only married this past December. When we married we knew the prognosis was not good, but I think in our minds you always think it won't happen. That bad stuff happens to other people...sadly that's not true. I lived in an ignorant bliss before. 

I hope you are able to find some comfort sharing here also. 

[KMB]

5 hours ago, Iriss said:

That bad stuff happens to other people...sadly that's not true. I lived in an ignorant bliss before. 

I was the same way.  I was totally in love, happy and content. Even the last several years with my husband's health declining, I felt the same. My husband had a bigger than life personality, always active and productive. Overcame every challenge and obstacle together. We were going to be together for many more years. Just have to listen to his doctors and take his meds.  I was SO wrong!

I am deeply sorry for your loss. When we find our soul mate, we naively think it is going to last well into old age. Some couples are lucky with that dream and some of us not. Your husband was blessed to have been able to spend the rest of HIS life with you. It is something all of us here on this forum have to be grateful and thankful for. We were the chosen ones for the rest of their lives.

[Iriss]

12 minutes ago, KMB said:

When we find our soul mate, we naively think it is going to last well into old age. Some couples are lucky with that dream and some of us not. Your husband was blessed to have been able to spend the rest of HIS life with you. It is something all of us here on this forum have to be grateful and thankful for. We were the chosen ones for the rest of their lives.

Thank you so much for this reminder.

I'm so sorry to meet you here as well, but really appreciate your comment and sharing.

This is such a lonely life now. I wish this place had a chat as well, would be nice to be able to talk to some of you in real time.

I hope you all are having as good of days as you can. I have my birthday Saturday and I'm dreading it. Turning the big 30. Family is insisting on a party, but that is the last thing I want to do. At least I'm telling myself I only have to make it through one more day and won't have to be surrounded by people at work.

Isn't it funny that I'm here complaining about being lonely, but then yet I have no desire to be surrounded by people. It just feels like work to be around people who don't get it. Exhausting to listen to people complain about seemingly stupid things in perspective. I'm a pretty awful friend right now, but then again so are a lot of my "friends." With my husband's short illness it was a huge test of friendship. Some unexpected people really stepped up and helped make my life a little easier by providing meals or one of my friends even offered to help clean my house! But, then when he died it seems like a lot think its over. That now life will return to before, but I still feel so incapable of normal things. So many people tell me to just give them a call whenever I need anything, but the problem is that I don't even know what I need (other than my husband).

So I think I will read here for a little bit and then see if sleep will find me tonight.

Thank you all again for the welcome and support!

[Eagle-96]

10 hours ago, Iriss said:

Thank you so much for this reminder.

I'm so sorry to meet you here as well, but really appreciate your comment and sharing.

This is such a lonely life now. I wish this place had a chat as well, would be nice to be able to talk to some of you in real time.

I hope you all are having as good of days as you can. I have my birthday Saturday and I'm dreading it. Turning the big 30. Family is insisting on a party, but that is the last thing I want to do. At least I'm telling myself I only have to make it through one more day and won't have to be surrounded by people at work.

Isn't it funny that I'm here complaining about being lonely, but then yet I have no desire to be surrounded by people. It just feels like work to be around people who don't get it. Exhausting to listen to people complain about seemingly stupid things in perspective. I'm a pretty awful friend right now, but then again so are a lot of my "friends." With my husband's short illness it was a huge test of friendship. Some unexpected people really stepped up and helped make my life a little easier by providing meals or one of my friends even offered to help clean my house! But, then when he died it seems like a lot think its over. That now life will return to before, but I still feel so incapable of normal things. So many people tell me to just give them a call whenever I need anything, but the problem is that I don't even know what I need (other than my husband).

So I think I will read here for a little bit and then see if sleep will find me tonight.

Thank you all again for the welcome and support!

First of all, I know Saturday is gonna be tough. It's the reminders like birthdays and holidays that bring our new reality into the full sunlight. I hope you will have the strength to make it through as best you can. We'll be thinking about you. If you don't want a big party then let them know. In their minds they think this is just what you need. They might think they are helping by having a party Let them know how difficult these days are. If you have to excuse yourself from time to time that's ok. You just do what you feel is right. Maybe sometime tomorrow you can have a quiet private celebration with your husband and you alone. 

[Iriss]

Thank you @Eagle-96

I've been really struggling even thinking about it. I wish I could sleep through it all. I've told them I didn't want to do anything, but they are insistent on a party. At least, they have said only close family and hopefully they will be all understanding that I will be emotional and I honestly don't want to stay long. I guess I'll see what happens and how I feel in the moment. 

Tonight I may get some takeaway and watch our wedding video. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? I don't know. I miss him and just need to see him and transport myself to a better time and that was the happiest day. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Iriss said:

Isn't it funny that I'm here complaining about being lonely, but then yet I have no desire to be surrounded by people.

It makes perfect sense to me!!

[Eagle-96]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

It makes perfect sense to me!!

We could be lonely in a stadium full of people.