Seeing a medium?

[Djh0901kc]

1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

My mom forced me to meet doctor today and he said I have dipression symptoms, although I don't feel this. He gave me some medicine, which are anti dipression medicine and I am not sure, should I take those medicine or not. Did any of you took anti dipression medicine before. Is it ok to take anti dipression medicine because I read somewhere,  these types of medicines not good.

My wife was on antidepressants but it was for chronic depression. They helped her immensely. I don’t know how they would do for people like us. For my wife, they fixed a chemical imbalance. For us, they can’t fix why we’re depressed. Although, I will say that you almost certainly are suffering from depression. I know I am.

[Djh0901kc]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I know several on my other forum that are on it though.  They say they couldn't get by without it.  I guess I'll never know.

I hope you get to feeling better LoveGoli.

Somebody gave me one a few days after my wife died because I was pretty much a wreck. It calmed me down but I don’t think it would help now. I’m not having panic attacks or anything. Whatever helps people though.

[LoveGoli]

3 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

My wife was on antidepressants but it was for chronic depression. They helped her immensely. I don’t know how they would do for people like us. For my wife, they fixed a chemical imbalance. For us, they can’t fix why we’re depressed. Although, I will say that you almost certainly are suffering from depression. I know I am.

I don't think any medicine will help me, because nothing can fix my problem.

[Djh0901kc]

25 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I don't think any medicine will help me, because nothing can fix my problem.

I agree but I’m not a doctor so what do I know.

[KMB]

LoveGoli, I glad your mom insisted you see a doctor. Depression like symptoms is common in grieving. Sometimes, we need outside help and medication, to help us get through the worst weeks and months of the grieving process. I would assume the doctor prescribed something low dose to begin with. I don't see no harm in trying the meds and seeing how it affects you. You can always go back to the doctor to discuss other options.  I think you mentioned no grief support groups where you live? What about a grief counselor/therapist? I don't know anything about your country or culture. I have no idea what your people do when emotional/professional help is needed.

There is no shame in asking for outside help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, in admitting we need to reach out for something for ourselves. You have us here also.

[Djh0901kc]

You could also try   https://www.betterhelp.com for weekly grief therapy with a licensed therapist. It’s only 50 bucks a week I believe. I’ve been considering it.

[KMB]

Djh, Give the grief therapy a shot. Try a few sessions and see how it works out. At least you can't say you didn't try. I don't have resources in my area for a professional, but I did attend a support group for several months. I am glad I did that.

[TooDevastated]

1 minute ago, KMB said:

Djh, Give the grief therapy a shot. Try a few sessions and see how it works out. At least you can't say you didn't try. I don't have resources in my area for a professional, but I did attend a support group for several months. I am glad I did that.

I coudlnt find a grief counselor near where I live nor any grief support groups. So I have been seeing a psychotherapist who has worked extensively on grief. But at the end, I couldnt stand her gestures and the way she spoke to me. Speaking so slow and in a theatical 'sweet' voice like I am a 5 yo who has difficulty uderstanding words... I would love to join a group session though if that was available... 

[KMB]

TooDevastated, I am sorry it wasn't working out with your therapist. Sometimes we have to try a few different options to find one who fits us. You are still new in your loss. Maybe you will find another therapist or a support group will open up near you. There is also e-counseling available online you might want to check out. A therapist can talk to you by phone, email or skype.

[TooDevastated]

4 minutes ago, KMB said:

TooDevastated, I am sorry it wasn't working out with your therapist. Sometimes we have to try a few different options to find one who fits us. You are still new in your loss. Maybe you will find another therapist or a support group will open up near you. There is also e-counseling available online you might want to check out. A therapist can talk to you by phone, email or skype.

Yeah I check regularly if a group has opened up every few weeks. Apparently, there used to be 3 of them but none of them are active anymore. 

[Azipod]

17 minutes ago, KMB said:

TooDevastated, I am sorry it wasn't working out with your therapist. Sometimes we have to try a few different options to find one who fits us. You are still new in your loss. Maybe you will find another therapist or a support group will open up near you. There is also e-counseling available online you might want to check out. A therapist can talk to you by phone, email or skype.

I agree that you should see different therapists to see who you can click with.   For example, I'm currently seeing 3 different therapists on a weekly basis.   They all have different styles and it suits me well to have this mix.   One of them works on somatic feelings of the body.  Another is more of a "talk therapist."  The third one is highly intelligent, but quite brash and will tell you things like how it is.   It works for me.    I don't think I would survive if I only saw one.   My mood and feelings are different all the time.

[TooDevastated]

2 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I agree that you should see different therapists to see who you can click with.   For example, I'm currently seeing 3 different therapists on a weekly basis.   They all have different styles and it suits me well to have this mix.   One of them works on somatic feelings of the body.  Another is more of a "talk therapist."  The third one is highly intelligent, but quite brash and will tell you things like how it is.   It works for me.    I don't think I would survive if I only saw one.   My mood and feelings are different all the time.

I will look for a new one. I know I need to talk to someone. The psychiatrist who prescribed me antidepressions has told me "The length of grief is 3 months. After that your mind will heal itself and you'll start thinking rationally". Its only 2 days until it will be 3 months. And I dont think I will have progressed at all compared to day 1. 

[Djh0901kc]

8 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I agree that you should see different therapists to see who you can click with.   For example, I'm currently seeing 3 different therapists on a weekly basis.   They all have different styles and it suits me well to have this mix.   One of them works on somatic feelings of the body.  Another is more of a "talk therapist."  The third one is highly intelligent, but quite brash and will tell you things like how it is.   It works for me.    I don't think I would survive if I only saw one.   My mood and feelings are different all the time.

That seems like it may be a too many cooks in the kitchen situation 

[Azipod]

 

9 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I will look for a new one. I know I need to talk to someone. The psychiatrist who prescribed me antidepressions has told me "The length of grief is 3 months. After that your mind will heal itself and you'll start thinking rationally". Its only 2 days until it will be 3 months. And I dont think I will have progressed at all compared to day 1. 

I hit 3 months over the weekend.   I feel worst now.

[TooDevastated]

1 minute ago, Azipod said:

I hit 3 months over the weekend.   I feel worst now.

It's crazy to think that half of me is dead, all of my life shattered, my dreams and plans are gone and I wont ever be able to see the man I love more than everything. It's crazier that I am still here after my world turned upside down. It has been almost 3 months and I havent commited suicide yet and thats the biggest achievement of my life. 

[Azipod]

9 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

It's crazy to think that half of me is dead, all of my life shattered, my dreams and plans are gone and I wont ever be able to see the man I love more than everything. It's crazier that I am still here after my world turned upside down. It has been almost 3 months and I havent commited suicide yet and thats the biggest achievement of my life. 

We should all just hold hands and jump off a bridge!  This is too miserable.

[TooDevastated]

1 minute ago, Azipod said:

We should all just hold hands and jump off a bridge!  This is too miserable.

It really is... I  am choosing a wildlife animal to sponsor right now: http://wildlife-rescue.org/support/sponsor-a-wild-animal/

This is the kind of thing that would light up all of his face and give him a BIG smile... The face I am terrified that I'll forget one day.... Jumping off together? That sounds really tempting!

[Djh0901kc]

2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

It really is... I  am choosing a wildlife animal to sponsor right now: http://wildlife-rescue.org/support/sponsor-a-wild-animal/

This is the kind of thing that would light up all of his face and give him a BIG smile... The face I am terrified that I'll forget one day.... Jumping off together? That sounds really tempting!

I’m glad you decided to do this. You sound like you were animal lovers like us. He would be proud of you.

[KMB]

4 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I will look for a new one. I know I need to talk to someone. The psychiatrist who prescribed me antidepressions has told me "The length of grief is 3 months. After that your mind will heal itself and you'll start thinking rationally". Its only 2 days until it will be 3 months. And I dont think I will have progressed at all compared to day 1. 

My opinion, the psychiatrist handed you a line of bull. No one is over grieving in 3 months time. No one is ever over grieving. Sure, we evolve through the levels of intensity and learn to cope. But, we co-exist with our loss the rest of our life.  It takes a long time for our minds to adjust to the trauma of loss. We deal with brain fog issues for a long time also. There is no time frame for grieving.   That psychiatrist must not be professionally trained in grief therapy, otherwise he wouldn't have said what he did.

[LoveGoli]

5 hours ago, KMB said:

LoveGoli, I glad your mom insisted you see a doctor. Depression like symptoms is common in grieving. Sometimes, we need outside help and medication, to help us get through the worst weeks and months of the grieving process. I would assume the doctor prescribed something low dose to begin with. I don't see no harm in trying the meds and seeing how it affects you. You can always go back to the doctor to discuss other options.  I think you mentioned no grief support groups where you live? What about a grief counselor/therapist? I don't know anything about your country or culture. I have no idea what your people do when emotional/professional help is needed.

There is no shame in asking for outside help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, in admitting we need to reach out for something for ourselves. You have us here also.

Thanks KMB for support, but I am not aware about any grief counselor/therapist in my area. Mostly we have families here to support people during this difficult time because all live together in same house but in my case my family live too far from my city so my Mom visit me in time intervals.

Doctor prescribed me low dose and I started taking them, let see if they can help which I am not sure about.

[LoveGoli]

4 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I will look for a new one. I know I need to talk to someone. The psychiatrist who prescribed me antidepressions has told me "The length of grief is 3 months. After that your mind will heal itself and you'll start thinking rationally". Its only 2 days until it will be 3 months. And I dont think I will have progressed at all compared to day 1. 

After 2 days its going to be 3 months for me too, but I am not sure if I progressed. Yes, I started going to office but I continuously think about him all day no matter if I am in office.

[Azipod]

3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

After 2 days its going to be 3 months for me too, but I am not sure if I progressed. Yes, I started going to office but I continuously think about him all day no matter if I am in office.

LoveGoli ......  I think it's normal to keep thinking about your lost partner.   I do the same here.   I can concentrate if I needed to, but deep underneath I am still thinking about my wife and how much I miss her.    Honestly speaking, I think it will be like this for a very long time.      I am sure you progressed.   Progress is probably slow.  It's slow for me.  But when I look back at 1 month intervals, I can tell I am doing better.    But better is all relative.  Better does not neccesarily mean I am doing good.  I am still way down in the dumps.   I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

[LoveGoli]

26 minutes ago, Azipod said:

LoveGoli ......  I think it's normal to keep thinking about your lost partner.   I do the same here.   I can concentrate if I needed to, but deep underneath I am still thinking about my wife and how much I miss her.    Honestly speaking, I think it will be like this for a very long time.      I am sure you progressed.   Progress is probably slow.  It's slow for me.  But when I look back at 1 month intervals, I can tell I am doing better.    But better is all relative.  Better does not neccesarily mean I am doing good.  I am still way down in the dumps.   I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

I was thinking just now, how lovely it would be if I won't make it 40 and die in next 5-10 years because I don't want to live this miserable life till I get old.

[KayC]

That's really something to discuss with your doctor.  Tell him your concerns.  You can also read about the medication, the side effects, etc. and address these with the doctor.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/interview-are-we-medicating-normal.html 

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/03/bereavement-and-snorting-seaweed.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/06/using-medication-to-manage-grief.html 

I want to mention, too, that Claribassist13 said she is a chemist and she said that grief can change our brain so that we might need medication, so there are those two theories of thought.  Just medicating because you are having depressive symptoms due to grief...I wouldn't.  But if your brain chemicals are off and need correcting, that may need the help, check with your doctor about this.

[KayC]

Three months for grief?  Marty Tousley holds a degree in Thanatology and she says grief does not end, although it does evolve.  We have to allow ourselves the time we need to adjust to all of the changes our loss means for us.  Everyone's time line is different, it takes what it takes.  Don't let anyone tell you what you SHOULD be feeling or how long they think it should take!

[KayC]

I take a supplement that elevates mood as well as helps liver function and joints.  SAMe, I get it on eBay from nathansnutritionals.  As always check with your doctor, mine was good with me taking it.  I notice improvement in my mood almost immediately.

[LoveGoli]

18 minutes ago, KayC said:

Three months for grief?  Marty Tousley holds a degree in Thanatology and she says grief does not end, although it does evolve.  We have to allow ourselves the time we need to adjust to all of the changes our loss means for us.  Everyone's time line is different, it takes what it takes.  Don't let anyone tell you what you SHOULD be feeling or how long they think it should take!

That's what I want them to understand but they are so worried about me and my mom was saying yesterday that no one take this long. Its been 3 months and you are still so depressed, I wish I could explain her that its just 3 months and he was not any normal person of my life, he was my life, my half, my everything.

[LoveGoli]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

I take a supplement that elevates mood as well as helps liver function and joints.  SAMe, I get it on eBay from nathansnutritionals.  As always check with your doctor, mine was good with me taking it.  I notice improvement in my mood almost immediately.

I am feeling so sleepy today, even I took nap on lunch table while my other friends were talking.

[KavitaHubby]

7 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

That's what I want them to understand but they are so worried about me and my mom was saying yesterday that no one take this long. Its been 3 months and you are still so depressed, I wish I could explain her that its just 3 months and he was not any normal person of my life, he was my life, my half, my everything.

Most of the people don't go thru the loss of spouse till late in their life. We are in a such a group where it will be very difficult to meet people who have gone thru similar loss. They are worried about you and that's why they don't realize what they are saying. I go thru this almost every week. 

[LoveGoli]

2 minutes ago, KavitaHubby said:

Most of the people don't go thru the loss of spouse till late in their life. We are in a such a group where it will be very difficult to meet people who have gone thru similar loss. They are worried about you and that's why they don't realize what they are saying. I go thru this almost every week. 

Actually my mom lost my father when she was only 35 but she is worried about me and she wants me to be okay at least so she thinks she is encouraging me without any idea what she is saying.

I didn't say anything to her because she is the only one who is most worried about me in whole world.

[KMB]

6 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Actually my mom lost my father when she was only 35 but she is worried about me and she wants me to be okay at least so she thinks she is encouraging me without any idea what she is saying.

I didn't say anything to her because she is the only one who is most worried about me in whole world.

Your mother loves you. Our loved ones do care and they wish for us to behave "normally" again. We can't though. We are forever changed by our loss. Our family and friends would like to fix things for us, but they can't. So, they try to say things they think will have us feeling better. Nothing works though. We are left floundering around in our grief alone.

[KavitaHubby]

1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

Actually my mom lost my father when she was only 35 but she is worried about me and she wants me to be okay at least so she thinks she is encouraging me without any idea what she is saying.

I didn't say anything to her because she is the only one who is most worried about me in whole world.

See then i will listen to her advice considering she is telling you not to do same mistakes which she did. The only difference is she had you to take care of. Also I have kind of forgotten my first few months of grief it seems as can't recall them fully. 

[KayC]

Like KMB said, they do love us and want us to be "normal", for their OWN peace of mind.  But you can't be like it's no big deal, it IS a big deal, you need all the time it takes, years, to process and adjust.

[LoveGoli]

7 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

See then i will listen to her advice considering she is telling you not to do same mistakes which she did. The only difference is she had you to take care of. Also I have kind of forgotten my first few months of grief it seems as can't recall them fully. 

Right KH, she had me that time to take care of, but I have nothing and that's why I keep asking my self why, why I am doing this, for whom, I have no dreams now then why I am doing  job and other things. Zero motivation at all.

[KayC]

Motivation/purpose is one of the hardest things to find after loss.

[TooDevastated]

On 04.10.2017 at 11:57 AM, KayC said:

Motivation/purpose is one of the hardest things to find after loss.

This is SO true. I can find none. 

[Djh0901kc]

3 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

This is SO true. I can find none. 

If someone figures it out please let me know

[Djh0901kc]

I go to work every day just to have some time where I’m not home alone with my dark thoughts

[LoveGoli]

11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I go to work every day just to have some time where I’m not home alone with my dark thoughts

That's what I am doing, I go to job to spend my day and feel tired so that I can sleep. 

Friday starts here, another sucking weekend, I hate weekends now, which was my favorite before. Everything changed its meaning, our favorite things gives us pain now , doing all favorite things alone now pain.

[Paluka]

Going to work allows a brief sort of superficial "break." For me, I have to be as on point and purposeful as possible. It's very difficult to do. I lack focus and cry in my office but it forces me into a different atmosphere. I don't like it but it's necessary. I am a leader at work so if I don't step it up everything goes to crap. I do it while I'm kicking and screaming on the inside but I do it. Maybe one day doing this will help me rediscover some purpose but it sure doesn't feel like it will  

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

If someone figures it out please let me know

Not likely to find it this early on, it's taken me YEARS and it's nothing like my purpose when George was alive.  It's more like in little ways than one great big one.  The best thing I can offer to you right now is just take each day as it comes, allow yourself to feel your grief, it takes all of this to just process this.  It's like a huge jolt has hit you, not easy to get through but we can't jump over the steps or speed up the process either.

In the early years the weekends are a huge reminder of what we're missing.  In a way that never stops because we see other couples having their weekends, their family times, while we're left out, alone.  But for me it seems one day is the same as another anymore.  Very little to look forward to.  This weekend I look forward to seeing my son, today I look forward to seeing my daughter and sisters, but most of the time I don't have that going on and am alone.

[Azipod]

3 hours ago, Paluka said:

Going to work allows a brief sort of superficial "break." For me, I have to be as on point and purposeful as possible. It's very difficult to do. I lack focus and cry in my office but it forces me into a different atmosphere. I don't like it but it's necessary. I am a leader at work so if I don't step it up everything goes to crap. I do it while I'm kicking and screaming on the inside but I do it. Maybe one day doing this will help me rediscover some purpose but it sure doesn't feel like it will  

 

Paluka.   I applaud you for returning to work.  This is by far one of the biggest steps to continuing forward and to have some structure in your life.  By working, you will also allow yourself to slowly return back to normal and have you focus on other aspects of your life so that you are not dwelling on the grief 24/7.    Work will not be easy.   It will be difficult.  It will be hard.   But for me, sitting at home twirling my thumbs would be harder..... but that's me.    I hope that after several weeks, perhaps months of challenges at work, you will be slowly able to build up your performance and at least have your "work life" come back to normal.    Again. Good work!!!

[Paluka]

Thank you. I'm trying as hard as I can. It feels so superficial and I miss the texts Lauri would send me throughout the day. No way around any of this. I hate it but have to keep pushing myself. 

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I hate it but have to keep pushing myself. 

Just try not to push yourself too much. I can understand you need to with your job, but take it easy on yourself in your down time. The body and mind need a lot of time for processing and adapting to the unwelcome changes of loss.

[Paluka]

I don't know if there is enough time. I can't seem to stop crying today. Pain feels worse than ever. I moved a pair of her shoes to the closet and broke down. I have lost 17 pounds and can't seem to eat. My sleep is getting worse because I'm waking up screaming or crying all night. I'm feeling so lost and broken. 

[Azipod]

6 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I don't know if there is enough time. I can't seem to stop crying today. Pain feels worse than ever. I moved a pair of her shoes to the closet and broke down. I have lost 17 pounds and can't seem to eat. My sleep is getting worse because I'm waking up screaming or crying all night. I'm feeling so lost and broken. 

Paluka, I think you are doing the right thing.  During the earlier weeks, I found it extremely difficult to see my wife's everyday belongings around the house.  My therapist told me that if it bothered me, I can simply "consolidate" all of her things into one area as oppose to leaving them all spread out in the house.    My "consolidation" turned out to be one where I essentially moved all of her stuff inside her closet.    If I wanted a waterfall down my face, all I have to do is open her closet door ..... I don't do that much.   I put some of her smaller things into drawers that I do not use.     Doing this helped me A LOT.

I still have photos of us throughout the house ....  The photos don't bother me.   It's her belongings that really bother me.......  Just wanted to share this with you to see if it's something that could be helpful.     I know you're in a fog so you must try one thing at a time.

It's interesting how you use the term " broken."   My wife called herself "broken" all the time when she was sick.   This brings back a lot of memories for me.

Hang in there.

[Paluka]

Thank you Azipod. It's just so difficult. 

[KMB]

It IS so difficult, Paluka. This missing them and adjusting to being alone will be the most difficult part of our life. There are no words even adequate for what we are being forced to do. We shouldn't have to be forced into doing anything we don't want, but, in this case, we really are not given a  choice.

In the beginning, I was where you are. I lost over 20 pounds. I couldn't eat much of anything. Sometimes the thought of food made me sick. My husband couldn't be here to eat, so why should I eat? I was numb, a walking zombie. The first time I went into a grocery store, I froze, freaked out and went out crying. I still hate going into a store. It is absolutely no picnic shopping for one when you are used to doing for two. I still don't cook much. What food I do eat comes already prepared from the hot bar and deli.

I think most of us have sleep issues. I didn't want sleeping pills, so I use generic zzquil. It helps for an hour or two. In the beginning, I would have crazy dreams and wake up sobbing. I was afraid to sleep, but also afraid of being awake. The unrelenting pain is there no matter what. A lot of the worst does slowly fade away. For me, the pain and sadness are a part of me that I'm still learning to carry with me.

[TeddTodd]

Nitght time sleeping is worse time for me even today after 4 mths. In the 1st mth, I could not eat or sleep either so I went to see doctor and spoke to him about what happened. He did gave me 3 versions - light, medium and something to really knock me off. He said is better to have a choice of pills (that's how it works in my country) and I knew my body better but is necessary to sleep or at least some sleep. I did try to avoid the sleeping pills and but in the end I did take some just to give my some rest or at least to block out my mind. I don't think sleeping pill is a bad thing afterall, you know your body best so if you need it just take it but of coz don't be dependent on it.

[LoveGoli]

17 minutes ago, TeddTodd said:

Nitght time sleeping is worse time for me even today after 4 mths. In the 1st mth, I could not eat or sleep either so I went to see doctor and spoke to him about what happened. He did gave me 3 versions - light, medium and something to really knock me off. He said is better to have a choice of pills (that's how it works in my country) and I knew my body better but is necessary to sleep or at least some sleep. I did try to avoid the sleeping pills and but in the end I did take some just to give my some rest or at least to block out my mind. I don't think sleeping pill is a bad thing afterall, you know your body best so if you need it just take it but of coz don't be dependent on it.

My case is totally opposite, i sleep a lot. Here is Saturday and i am sleeping since morning almost 12 hrs.