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I found him and I still can't believe he's gone


whereismylight

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whereismylight

Talking about this isn't very easy for me. All my thoughts and feelings are hard to put into words that one can understand. 
I just don't feel like anyone around me genuinely can understand me and I feel guilty for making others uncomfortable because they don't know what to say or do. I'm 20 now, but I was 19 at the time and he was 21.
On March 19th 2017, 9:23PM I found my boyfriend of almost 2 years (April 3rd 2015) on his bed in his sleeping position with blood coughed out. I couldn't tell you the shock, the pain, the panic I felt when i saw my baby because for some reason I felt like it was too late but I still had hope. I called 911 and I had to do cpr. The whole 911 call experience was a nightmare I fall asleep to every night. When I try to sleep my mind replays seeing him laying there & me being so helpless. I can't even explain the thoughts or the pain of this night. At 9:52 I heard them announce his death & when they told me that he died, nothing felt real anymore. I was in total shock & I couldn't even cry at first. All i felt is "what?" and "no, this is a bad dream". Calling my mom to come over was when it started to hit me; "Mom.. he died. He died and I need you to come get me". That's all I could get out. There were so many cops & medics. I just wanted to see my baby. He was waiting for me to bring him food when I got home from work & we were going to have a nice night together. We missed each other because we spent the last 2 nights in our own beds and that night we were excited to spend the night together like we usually always did. I still don't fully know the cause of death. We should get the results this month. 

The funeral was the second hardest day of my life, march 19th being the hardest. It was open casket and I am grateful for that. The close family had a personal viewing a day before the funeral and we got to stand by him and say our goodbyes. It looked like there was a tear falling from his right eye, his sister noticed too. 
Kissing his cold forehead, I felt a rush of energy that I knew was his. His energy was still around. He looked so peaceful which was the only thing keeping me sane at that moment. 
I didn't want to leave him. It looked like he could have just got up and said he was playing a joke like the jokester he was. Having to accept the fact that I will never be able to physically touch or see him, is something that's still hard for me to accept. He's my first love, my first everything. He was my only best friend. My world. We we had future plans together, it was me & him and I for once in my life felt safe & comfortable; with him. We were honestly addicted to each other's presence, we talked about this a couple weeks before he died. This loss is something that's too large for me to comprehend. 

My anxiety has never been so bad. I'm paranoid all the time. I'm worried about everyone I love now, I don't want anything happening to them. 
I lost a really good girl friend of mine during this awful time too; I thought she would have always been there for me no matter what. I learned a lesson. I only just want him. I've been seeing a grief counselor which is helping. But I just feel like I can't connect with others because my story & what I have to talk about just depresses others & seems to make them uncomfortable if they haven't experienced a significant loss. I feel like I'm so far behind in life from everyone but Im facing my grief head on. I just want to call him & hear his voice & know that everything is okay again. But that's impossible & I thought that nothing was impossible. The world feels so uncomfortable & dark without him. I want to share my experience about this trauma & grieving experience but I can't help but feel guilty or feel like people think I'm seeking pity or attention. This was the only place online I felt comfortable to do so right now. 
My desire to do things is just so low, but I want to make him proud by living a good life. I just feel stuck & lonely in ways.

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Hi, I am so sorry for your loss, first I want you to think you are not looking for attention or pity, you -and all of us here- are going through a terrible event, losing someone breaks your heart and your soul, you won't feel good because you are overwhelmed. Numbness, sadness, hopelessness, are taking your heart and mind. I am 25 years old and my boyfriend was only 26 years old when he passed away 2 months ago, also sudden death, he was healthy and after an accident he had brain death, I am devastated, some days I still feel the shock, and I came here and wrote down all my feelings, I felt understood and supported.

I am an anxious girl, I know how hard is to handle this situation when anxiety is also hitting. Don't think you make us uncomfortable, please, come here, talk and express freely, we are here feeling the same pain, the same frustration, the same agony.

I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, but words are not enough to heal a broken heart. We are here for you  

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whereismylight
13 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss, first I want you to think you are not looking for attention or pity, you -and all of us here- are going through a terrible event, losing someone breaks your heart and your soul, you won't feel good because you are overwhelmed. Numbness, sadness, hopelessness, are taking your heart and mind. I am 25 years old and my boyfriend was only 26 years old when he passed away 2 months ago, also sudden death, he was healthy and after an accident he had brain death, I am devastated, some days I still feel the shock, and I came here and wrote down all my feelings, I felt understood and supported.

I am an anxious girl, I know how hard is to handle this situation when anxiety is also hitting. Don't think you make us uncomfortable, please, come here, talk and express freely, we are here feeling the same pain, the same frustration, the same agony.

I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, but words are not enough to heal a broken heart. We are here for you  

Having someone tell me this is so reassuring and comforting. I've had people who I thought cared and wanted to listen tell me that I'm looking for sympathy which i started to feel uncomfortable talking about how I feel to others, especially people who don't know me. I'm just having a hard time feeling connected to others and even just your response helped me feel less anxious about sharing my feelings, thank you so much.

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Please don't thank me, we need so much support and empathy, our friends "might" want to help, but they don't understand, and people try to avoid "this subject" people don't want to be around people who is suffering a loss, because people is afraid of death. A lot of people I consider "friends" have vanished or didn't show up at all, those who vanished said that they stopped talking to me because of my "attitude", and I wonder, my attitude? I spent one marvelous weekend next to him, he was healthy and we were planing things, and the next one I was in front of his coffin, what they expect, than a month after I'll be "just fine", no, I die every day, wishing I died with him, cremated with him and put on the sea with him, because living here without him is a punishment.

This forum is my support, I can come here and talk over and over and over again about Mario and every time I'll have word of support, people in here are angels, fighting the same fight, they know and they understand. I insist, feel free to say and write everything you think and feel, we are here for you.    

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whereismylight

I am so very sorry for your loss and the way you found him must have been devastating for you.  You only just begun to live, so much of life ahead, so many roads to choose, plans for the future, all taken away in the blink of an eye. I know the pain you're feeling - the kind that has your entire body crying, your heart is aching so much that you can't take a breath without pain; you can't say a word or make a move and all your mind is set on is your pain with burning heavy tears streaming down your cheek and words hurt more than action.  And all you want is for him to be here with you or you want to be there with him or you want the both of you to be together somewhere, anywhere.  Try to look at these painful moments as giving you strength rather than taking it from you.  Embrace the pain, and then release it; learn from it and move on; don't dwell on it or carry it around with you or you will never fully heal from it.  Heal the heart, don't hide the pain.

You are going to miss him, after all, he was a part of you.  I love and still miss my Charles - I miss him every minute, every second, every hour.  And you know what the worst part is, it still catches me by surprise. I catch myself walking around to find him, not for any particular reason, just out of habit (I imagine) because I'd seen something that I wanted to tell him about or because I wanted to hear his voice and then I realize that he isn't here anymore, and every time, every single time, it's like having the wind knocked out of me.

What is getting me through this pain is my faith and belief in God.  Only God knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering.  HE alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity, whether it is the best of times or the worst of times. HE never said it would be an easy road, but that he would  be with us every step of the way and HE is.

For me, the loss of my Charles has changed me. Perhaps I smile, but I'm not happy; I might ask, but I really don't care to know; people talk, but as far as I'm concern, they are not saying much of anything; they laugh, but I don't fine what they funny; I cry, but does it really mean anything; I get up, but I'm not really awake; I sleep, but I'm not truly rested; I live, but I'm not really living. I'm not the same - I've changed.

I love your name "whereismylight".  Within you is the light of a thousands suns waiting to come out - be that light that helps others see.

Continue to post; know that you are in my prayers.

 

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whereismylight,  I am sorry for your tragic loss. I know that those words do not have any meaning, but my heart felt thoughts are behind them. Your togetherness, so young, so full of hope and plans for the future, and it gets taken away in the blink of an eye. Life is so cruel and unfair when we lose our "everything". It is like a roulette wheel and it just decided to stop on your number and say "Hey, it is your turn for tragedy to happen".

I am glad you are seeing a grief counselor. We need whatever help, support, we can get. We certainly do not think you are seeking attention. I do not understand people and why they would think that, much less say it openly. We do not judge or criticize here. We know and understand the pain of losing a person who was our whole world.

Please, keep coming here. If you only want to read posts, that is ok. Join in and share, express yourself, when you want to. Sending prayers of comfort and strength to you. (HUGS)

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whereismylight,

I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard to deal with the sudden death of your soulmate. I lost Lori to a heart attack at the age of 46. I found her and performed CPR. it just wasn't enough. That is a vision I just can't seem to get out of my head so I know that it must be very difficult for you. BUT, you did everything you could under the most difficult of circumstances. It was just his time. I, like many others, have found that there is no rhyme or reason to death. Despite our best efforts, our desires, our bargaining it just happens. It's a hard reality to grasp but one we must. You'll find out quickly who your true friends and family are. As they say, death brings out both the best and the worst in people. There will be people that step up that you never expected would have your back. There will also be people that abandon you that you thought would be there no matter what. When I parse out those people in my life I wonder how they felt about me all along. It makes you question the relationships you thought you were sure of. Just another condiment on the crap sandwich we have to take a bite of every day. 

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19 hours ago, whereismylight said:

Talking about this isn't very easy for me. All my thoughts and feelings are hard to put into words that one can understand. 
I just don't feel like anyone around me genuinely can understand me and I feel guilty for making others uncomfortable because they don't know what to say or do. I'm 20 now, but I was 19 at the time and he was 21.
On March 19th 2017, 9:23PM I found my boyfriend of almost 2 years (April 3rd 2015) on his bed in his sleeping position with blood coughed out. I couldn't tell you the shock, the pain, the panic I felt when i saw my baby because for some reason I felt like it was too late but I still had hope. I called 911 and I had to do cpr. The whole 911 call experience was a nightmare I fall asleep to every night. When I try to sleep my mind replays seeing him laying there & me being so helpless. I can't even explain the thoughts or the pain of this night. At 9:52 I heard them announce his death & when they told me that he died, nothing felt real anymore. I was in total shock & I couldn't even cry at first. All i felt is "what?" and "no, this is a bad dream". Calling my mom to come over was when it started to hit me; "Mom.. he died. He died and I need you to come get me". That's all I could get out. There were so many cops & medics. I just wanted to see my baby. He was waiting for me to bring him food when I got home from work & we were going to have a nice night together. We missed each other because we spent the last 2 nights in our own beds and that night we were excited to spend the night together like we usually always did. I still don't fully know the cause of death. We should get the results this month. 

The funeral was the second hardest day of my life, march 19th being the hardest. It was open casket and I am grateful for that. The close family had a personal viewing a day before the funeral and we got to stand by him and say our goodbyes. It looked like there was a tear falling from his right eye, his sister noticed too. 
Kissing his cold forehead, I felt a rush of energy that I knew was his. His energy was still around. He looked so peaceful which was the only thing keeping me sane at that moment. 
I didn't want to leave him. It looked like he could have just got up and said he was playing a joke like the jokester he was. Having to accept the fact that I will never be able to physically touch or see him, is something that's still hard for me to accept. He's my first love, my first everything. He was my only best friend. My world. We we had future plans together, it was me & him and I for once in my life felt safe & comfortable; with him. We were honestly addicted to each other's presence, we talked about this a couple weeks before he died. This loss is something that's too large for me to comprehend. 

My anxiety has never been so bad. I'm paranoid all the time. I'm worried about everyone I love now, I don't want anything happening to them. 
I lost a really good girl friend of mine during this awful time too; I thought she would have always been there for me no matter what. I learned a lesson. I only just want him. I've been seeing a grief counselor which is helping. But I just feel like I can't connect with others because my story & what I have to talk about just depresses others & seems to make them uncomfortable if they haven't experienced a significant loss. I feel like I'm so far behind in life from everyone but Im facing my grief head on. I just want to call him & hear his voice & know that everything is okay again. But that's impossible & I thought that nothing was impossible. The world feels so uncomfortable & dark without him. I want to share my experience about this trauma & grieving experience but I can't help but feel guilty or feel like people think I'm seeking pity or attention. This was the only place online I felt comfortable to do so right now. 
My desire to do things is just so low, but I want to make him proud by living a good life. I just feel stuck & lonely in ways.

I am so sorry, there are no words that are adequate, but I am just so sorry.

Everything you say is classic grief response, everything you feel.  Losing interest in things, feeling stuck, lonely, others not understanding, even losing friends.  All of my friends disappeared when my husband died, so did his AND his family!  He would have been shocked.  I felt comfort in my husband's funeral, so many people showed up to pay their respects, to mourn him.  But then I didn't hear from them again.  They expect you to "be over it", that won't happen.  It's been 12 years and I still miss him each and every day, although by now I have learned to live with my loss, as well as anyone can be expected to.  It's something I live with, I coexist with my grief.  I've worked hard on my grief, I've cried the tears, had to adjust to sleeping without him, being alone, not having him to talk over our day with, etc.  It's changed everything about my life.  I look forward to being with him again, it's the wait that's hard.  I smile when I see my grandchildren or spend time with my dog, after ten years I was finally able to get back into reading a good book that's not just about grief, so I guess in that sense the quality of my life has improved.  But not one of my best days compares to the most mundane of our days spent together.  He was and is everything to me.

I hope you'll continue to come here...here there are people that "get it".  No one here will tell you to "move on".  No one here will ever discount your relationship.  It's the quality of relationship, the love you shared that determines the level of grief you experience.  It's not a piece of paper, it's what existed between your hearts and souls.

You are mourning him, you are mourning the loss of your future, your hopes and dreams.  It's a lot to grieve.

You'll find anxiety is common in grievers.  It's good to see your doctor and talk it over with him.  

I feel as you do, I also want to "make him proud"...and I think they are.  We're trying.

With regards to the image you go to sleep with every night, you might want to consider imagery...as listed here: 
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/04/nightmares-and-bad-dreams-in-grief.html

I hope you'll read through the threads on this section, there are things posted and articles shared that you might find helpful, and if nothing else, you'll realize you are not alone in your journey, we're on this path together.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess in that sense the quality of my life has improved.  But not one of my best days compares to the most mundane of our days spent together. 

 

I don't mean any offense but this is so incredibly depressing. If, after 12 years, it's still like that it gives me whatever the opposite of hope is. Despair I guess. You're stronger than I am to keep plugging away.

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I think it all depends of the person, every single relationship, kind of death and grieving are different, for some people they'll learn how to handle it in a better way, some might have some difficulties through the process. I think the fact of losing someone is depressing by itself. I know me and I know it would take years for me, maybe all my life, that's why we need to start living in today, taking one day at a time, because if today was good we need to value this, because we don't know how hard is hitting grieving tomorrow. I think we all need to understand how bad this is, this is what we see in movies -horror movies, drama movies- and this is happening, is real and still breaking us, patient and strength.

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't mean any offense but this is so incredibly depressing. If, after 12 years, it's still like that it gives me whatever the opposite of hope is. Despair I guess. You're stronger than I am to keep plugging away.

 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

 But not one of my best days compares to the most mundane of our days spent together.  He was and is everything to me.

I can truly relate to KayC post and get where she is coming from.   I see the best days of my life as already happened.   Now that my Charles is gone, days simply hold no meaning or substance for me. The day he was actually taken from this earth was not just a date on a calendar, it was the day when my very existence changed forever.  When he was here with me, we experienced some days that were "mundane", *ordinary" and "humdrum" if you will.  But they were *OUR* mundane, ordinary and even humdrum days.   To do whatever we wanted to do with them - together.   I don't know where this life will lead me; it may lead me to new and different paths, meet new people, learn new things. But this will remain true, where ever life takes me, I'll always remember the path, where it took me to my Charles.

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17 minutes ago, Francine said:

 

 I see the best days of my life as already happened.   Now that my Charles is gone, days simply hold no meaning or substance for me. The day he was actually taken from this earth was not just a date on a calendar, it was the day when my very existence changed forever.

This is exactly how I feel too. I'm 32 years old and my life is over. I don't see what the point of going on is if it's going to be meaningless for the next 30-50 years

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2 hours ago, Francine said:

I don't know where this life will lead me; it may lead me to new and different paths, meet new people, learn new things. But this will remain true, where ever life takes me, I'll always remember the path, where it took me to my Charles.

That is so beautiful Francine :wub:

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7 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't mean any offense but this is so incredibly depressing. If, after 12 years, it's still like that it gives me whatever the opposite of hope is. Despair I guess. You're stronger than I am to keep plugging away.

It depends largely on how you see things. We have no choice but to keep plugging away. 1 year, 3 years, 5 years,or even longer. from now, your attitude will determine how you spend the rest of your life.I don't feel your wife would wish to see you existing in misery forever. You were blessed in being the one to spend the rest of her life with. To reciprocate that blessing you were given, you can honor her with living to the best of your ability.

Ka9219, Very good points you made!

Francine, I can totally relate!

4 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't see what the point of going on is if it's going to be meaningless for the next 30-50 years

You feel that way now because it is early days for you. Grieving is a very long process that does evolve over time. This is why you have to take it one step, one day at a time. We do not know our future. Which is why you need to keep plugging away, one day at a time. If we don't, we lose all hope for a chance that our life will improve in some way.

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11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't mean any offense but this is so incredibly depressing. If, after 12 years, it's still like that it gives me whatever the opposite of hope is. Despair I guess. You're stronger than I am to keep plugging away.

I have to agree. It is a bit scary. But I am determined to not have his death define my life. I believe that is choice people make. And there are many stories of people who love again and have happy lives again, though they will always remember their loved ones. I look to those stories for inspiration and hope.

 

Here is a positive article about finding love after loss.

https://www.secondfirsts.com/2016/03/what-it-means-to-love-again-after-loss/

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16 hours ago, KMB said:

You feel that way now because it is early days for you. Grieving is a very long process that does evolve over time. This is why you have to take it one step, one day at a time. We do not know our future. Which is why you need to keep plugging away, one day at a time. If we don't, we lose all hope for a chance that our life will improve in some way.

Ditto that KMB

Grieving is a very long process, but I think I'll grieve my Charles forever.  I don't think it ever goes away; it becomes a part of you, step by step, breath by breath and eventually, you learn to live with it, but it's always lurking; buried deep inside of you, ready to burst out at any given moment when you least expect it.  I think plugging away is the key; I seemed to be doing just that; each day being a little easier than the day before with the mind set that another day that passes is another day closer to seeing Charles again. 

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10 hours ago, KMB said:

It depends largely on how you see things. We have no choice but to keep plugging away. 1 year, 3 years, 5 years,or even longer. from now, your attitude will determine how you spend the rest of your life.I don't feel your wife would wish to see you existing in misery forever. You were blessed in being the one to spend the rest of her life with. To reciprocate that blessing you were given, you can honor her with living to the best of your ability.

I feel strongly about this. Lori changed me for the better. She helped to make me the person I am today and I will forever be grateful to her for that. It helps to give me direction in my life to have the goal of continuing to be the person she fell in love with. The person she molded. I have the desire to tell her story by living the life that we lived together. I want to make decisions now, not of my own choosing, but ones that she would have had influence on. I want to exhibit the great qualities she possessed to carry on her story. It won't be easy but it's my plan.

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56 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

 Lori changed me for the better. She helped to make me the person I am today and I will forever be grateful to her for that. It helps to give me direction in my life to have the goal of continuing to be the person she fell in love with. The person she molded. I have the desire to tell her story by living the life that we lived together. I want to make decisions now, not of my own choosing, but ones that she would have had influence on. I want to exhibit the great qualities she possessed to carry on her story. It won't be easy but it's my plan.

That was simply a beautiful testament to your Lori and one I know she would be proud of.  I feel the exact same about my Charles.  Thank you so much for that!

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On 8/9/2017 at 11:54 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I don't mean any offense but this is so incredibly depressing. If, after 12 years, it's still like that it gives me whatever the opposite of hope is. Despair I guess. You're stronger than I am to keep plugging away.

My reason for coming here isn't to depress people, I'm sorry if that's the case.  I live life to the fullest I can, but quite honestly, life without George is NOT comparable to life with him.  I don't know of anyone who would say that it is.

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On 8/9/2017 at 2:53 PM, Djh0901kc said:

This is exactly how I feel too. I'm 32 years old and my life is over. I don't see what the point of going on is if it's going to be meaningless for the next 30-50 years

I would never say that life is meaningless, never implied it!

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I would never say that life is meaningless, never implied it!

I won't lie; when my Charles made his transition, I thought life was meaningless; hopeless, worthless - you name it - anything negative was how I thought life to be.  I was not ashamed of my feelings because at the time, that's actually how I felt.  Since that time, I've had a change of heart.  No, life is not meaningless, but meaningful; not hopeless, but hopeful; not useless, but useful and not worthless, but worthwhile - why - because Charles was all those positive words and because he was, I am who I am -  grateful and indebted to him for forever.

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We've all learned so much about our spouses. I think we all agree that our spouse molded us into who we are today. I've been thinking about why my wife came into my life. There must be a good reason. What was I suppose to learn? What was I suppose to get from her? What was the purpose? I'm still trying to figure out the details. But one thing I know for sure, my wife was a gift to me. She was nothing but good luck and joy to me.  Unfortunately, I had to give her back. One day I will find out the meaning for this. 

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15 hours ago, KayC said:

My reason for coming here isn't to depress people, I'm sorry if that's the case.  I live life to the fullest I can, but quite honestly, life without George is NOT comparable to life with him.  I don't know of anyone who would say that it is.

I for one am glad to have your perspective as it gives us somewhat of a road map for what the future may hold. Your insight is is invaluable to me as I continue on my path.

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On 8/9/2017 at 9:06 AM, Eagle-96 said:

whereismylight,

I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard to deal with the sudden death of your soulmate. I lost Lori to a heart attack at the age of 46. I found her and performed CPR. it just wasn't enough. That is a vision I just can't seem to get out of my head so I know that it must be very difficult for you. BUT, you did everything you could under the most difficult of circumstances. It was just his time. I, like many others, have found that there is no rhyme or reason to death. Despite our best efforts, our desires, our bargaining it just happens. It's a hard reality to grasp but one we must. You'll find out quickly who your true friends and family are. As they say, death brings out both the best and the worst in people. There will be people that step up that you never expected would have your back. There will also be people that abandon you that you thought would be there no matter what. When I parse out those people in my life I wonder how they felt about me all along. It makes you question the relationships you thought you were sure of. Just another condiment on the crap sandwich we have to take a bite of every day. 

OMG I have to remember the  "just another condiment on the crap sandwich we have to take a bite of each day", while very true, I laughed out loud! What a great analogy.

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