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Beginning to go into the thick of it


Azipod

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Now that I'm going into the 6th week, I'm beginning to really feel that I'm going into the thick of it.  That is, the grieving.  I do not think I'm depressed, but I'm grieving, heavily.

The days have been increasingly difficult.  During many times throughout the day, I would have triggers that would bring me to tears.  For example, I can hear a sad song on the radio while driving in the car and it would bring tears.  I would take up in the morning and see an empty space next to me and it would bring me tears.   I can just think about my wife no longer being around and it would bring me tears.   It's quite easy for me to trigger the emotions.   I'm not afraid of letting out the tears, but I recognize that it's really beginning to hit me hard.

Sadly, it's so hard for me to even think that it's been 6 weeks without her.  It's really unthinkable.  We have never been separated for this period of time in the past.  I can't even believe that I haven't seen her, touched her, felt her, or otherwise physically be with her for so long.  I've been making an effort to connect with her, in my mind, and spiritually, and maybe that's what's helping me.  But the bottom line is that I miss her like crazy.  And when I think about missing her, I cry.

I'm 39.  I have a long way to go.   The truth is that I want my wife back.  I know there are "coping strategies" to recover from this loss, but I don't care about that.  I only want her back. That's all I want.  People say I look like I'm strong, doing well, and appear resilient.   But that's just how it looks on the outside.  They don't know that I'm dying on the inside.

This morning, for the first time, I had the thought about dating again in the future.     I concluded that after my first date, I'll probably rush home just so I can cry, and ask myself why I have to go through this.  I only want to be with my wife, not someone else.

I feel so stuck.  I can't move on, because my wife isn't here anymore.  I can't stop and sit in this fog.   And I can't end my life (not that I want to), because it would bring more tragedy to the family -- and I also know my wife would not want me to do this anyway.

I'm already feeling that this is going to be a terrible week for me.

 

  

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21 minutes ago, Azipod said:

 People say I look like I'm strong, doing well, and appear resilient.   But that's just how it looks on the outside.  They don't know that I'm dying on the inside.

People only believe what they see from us. We put on the mask when we are in public and everyone thinks we are doing better or we are strong. They don't know any better. They don't see us in the car crying over a song. They don't see us weeping in the shower. They don't see us at home calling out our soulmates name. It's ok to let them see behind the curtain, so to speak, every now and again. Let them know how you are really feeling. 

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Azipod, we don't "move on", we learn to live with our life as it is, we learn to build a life we can live, but you are no where near ready for that yet, it takes time and effort to process our grief, it took me a good three years just to do that, then I had to find purpose, another few years, then try to build a life I can life, more years yet...this isn't a quick or easy journey, but it is doable, one day at a time.  Try not to worry about how long it will take or how hard it is, it takes what it does and it's different for all of us, there is no set timetable, no exact stages of grief, we might hit them all or none of them, we might bounce back and forth between them or feel contrasting one simultaneously.  There is no way to predict what is ahead.  

The "move on" term should be stricken from a griever's vocabulary, and certainly from the grief consoler's vocabulary.  We don't "get over" this, we learn to coexist with our grief.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

We have never been separated for this period of time in the past.  I can't even believe that I haven't seen her, touched her, felt her, or otherwise physically be with her for so long.  I've been making an effort to connect with her, in my mind, and spiritually, and maybe that's what's helping me.  But the bottom line is that I miss her like crazy.  And when I think about missing her, I cry.

This morning, for the first time, I had the thought about dating again in the future.     I concluded that after my first date, I'll probably rush home just so I can cry, and ask myself why I have to go through this.  I only want to be with my wife, not someone else.  I feel so stuck.  I can't move on, because my wife isn't here anymore.  I can't stop and sit in this fog.   I'm already feeling that this is going to be a terrible week for me.

I feel you; my Charles and I had never been separated for such a long period of time and sometimes, I feel as if he's going to call me or that he's coming home at any moment and I'd throw my arms around him and kiss him welcoming him home - and then reality sinks in - he's never coming home; I'll never be able to kiss, hold, touch or love him again and that takes me to a very low and lonely place.  You're still quite young so I can see where there may be a possibility of your dating again.    Just yesterday, while at church, a member complimented me on my appearance and ask if I was *courting* again.  I know I'm dating myself but what she was actually asking is whether or not I was dating again.  I looked her straight in the eyes and answered, "No, that it never crossed my mind and I had no intentions of every doing it".   #1, I'm too old and #2, my Charles was all I ever wanted and needed - the loved we shared together will last a lifetime.

I think what happens is that our grief gets so heavy that it surrounds us, clouds our minds and interferes with our ability to think clearly.  We're on overload. I know is hard, you're only 6 weeks in, but it will get better (I hesitated to use the word *better*, because in my case, I'm aiming for OK).  You are going to miss her and long for her in ways you didn't think possible; but I agree with you in not sitting in the fog.  I think the fog is really fear and it sits on your brain and blocks any and everything - real feelings, true happiness, real joy - they can't get through that fog.  What helped me through that fog was repeatedly wiping it away with my faith and in time I know I'll be able to see a clear reflection once again.
I know, that fog sometimes feels like a cage without a key; and it can all get a little too much to bear, but you got to realize that soon the fog will lift and you will become more focused but forever changed. 
 
I'm praying that your week is not terrible but pleasant; remember one small positive thought in the morning can change your entire day. Not everyday is good, but there is something good in everyday.  Find that good in each day and the week won't be so bad.
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Hi buddy, KayC, Francine and Eagle couldn't say it better. First we don't move on, we just learn how to handle the pain. Second, this is a process of years, losing someone is not easy, as much as we wanted to, the pain and the grieve are part of our lives, maybe for ever and finally, dating is an issue for all of us, I just try to avoid the thoughts and focus on finish the day. 

After two months my mind is going places I don't want to be: back to the hospital and back to the funeral, and ia opening the wound over and over again, and still bleeds, I am tired.

People see what they want to see, as Eagle said, they don't know the real struggle, our break downs...

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Azipod, Sending prayers of strength, comfort your way. It is all that I can do--- I know what terrible weeks, days, are like.

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On 8/7/2017 at 10:49 AM, Azipod said:

I'm 39.  I have a long way to go.   The truth is that I want my wife back.  I know there are "coping strategies" to recover from this loss, but I don't care about that.  I only want her back. That's all I want.  People say I look like I'm strong, doing well, and appear resilient.   But that's just how it looks on the outside.  They don't know that I'm dying on the inside.

This morning, for the first time, I had the thought about dating again in the future.

Azipod, Your 39 right, your 6 weeks into this, Your mind is going to think of all kinds of things. Their is a lot of good experience on this forum. If you take the time to search it you will most likely find your answers. if not just ask. You mentioned "dating in the future" That is were I'm right now. So take the time to read my thread " Autocharge my experance" I hope it has some answers for you.

Autocharge

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On 8/7/2017 at 10:49 AM, Azipod said:

The truth is that I want my wife back.  I know there are "coping strategies" to recover from this loss, but I don't care about that.  I only want her back. That's all I want.   

Azipod, After going back and re-reading your post, this sentence really resonated with me. It really hit home. There are a lot of books, videos, seminars, support groups, counselors, etc... So many ways to try to piece our life back together as best as it can be. So many tools we can use to helps us on this terrible terrible journey. BUT, the only thing I really want. The only thing that truly matters is Lori. I can buy all the books I want but I can't buy one more day with Lori. And THAT is all I want.

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That is so spot on Eagle. We want a person, not a "thing" or a "tool". We need and want the one person who is not attainable to us.

Going into the 2nd week of being without my husband, I was crying buckets one day, saying out loud, "Enough already! You have been gone long enough, time to come home"! In our beginning years, the longest he was gone was a week, hunting trips with his buddies. In the later years, hospital stays, but, only a couple of those were 6 or 7 days. I coped through those times because he came home.I never worried about the hunting trips. I never worried about the hospital stays because I would visit him during the day and I had the "knowing" he was going to be ok. This is so totally different, so unwelcome to the mind. I cannot go anywhere in this world and bring him home.

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