Sudden death of my husband

[Sue S.]

My husband died unexpectedly two days ago, following outpatient surgery the day before.  I found him in bed not breathing, and he was not able to be revived.  I'm living a nightmare.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined this would happen.  

Besides unbelievable sadness and disbelief, I feel guilt.  Let me say right up front, my husband was not always an easy man to love.  He was frequently irritable with me and sometimes downright angry.  I also found myself living someplace I didn't really care to live because that is where he wanted to be.  I always went along with whatever he wanted to do, not that he bullied me into anything, but just because that's what I chose to do.  Before his death, I sometimes felt very unhappy.  Sometimes I felt like we didn't really love each other and maybe shouldn't even be together.  I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes dreamed of being free and going on to live a life of my own choosing. Now I can't even imagine why I ever had that dream - who was I thinking I was going to live that life with?? I certainly didn't plan to meet anyone else, and I never even gave cheating a thought.  And I even knew I would feel guilty for my thoughts if something happened to him, and I told myself that I would deal with the guilt later.  I can't believe I was so callous.

He was my best and only friend.  We did everything together.  We traveled and did a lot of really fun things. It was only in those times that he was angry with me that I would think I wanted to be free.  I don't know if he ever felt the same way.  Maybe he did because I annoyed him so much.  His friends say he talked about how nice I was, how I let him buy whatever he wanted, and how I didn't bitch. 

In my defense, I was never mean to him, never, ever, not once in our 20 years together. He'd get mad and I'd get my feelings hurt and that's how it was.  I could be self-absorbed, but I was never unkind to him in any way.  Also, when things were good, when he was in a good mood, the world was such a wonderful place.  He made everything more fun.  Now I miss him more than I ever dreamed possible.  Is it just a case of not knowing what you've got till it's gone? I wish I could see him, talk to him, even just one more time.

Does anyone else ever feel guilt this way?

 

[Francine]

I'm truly sorry for your loss and know the pain and perhaps guilt you are experiencing.  I think we've all felt guilt in some form or other, I know I have.  Being truly blessed to have had 45 years of marriage with my Charles, I'll just say this on marriage -  Marriage isn't always a bed of roses; thorns sometimes help us appreciate the flowers and hardships helps us appreciate the beauty of our marriage.   Marriage is not always beautiful - you see a side of your loved one that no one else does, and its not always pretty.  You see them when the world is sleep when perhaps they are snoring.  If you are an older individual, you might see the dentures in a cup or padding on the bed.  You get to see the anger and the joy; when they are mad, sad, stubborn; but you also get to see another side of them that perhaps few get a chance to see.  That person that made you laughed, wiped away your tears; protected you, hugged you tight; seen you failed; watched you succeed; kept you strong. 

1 hour ago, Sue S. said:

I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes dreamed of being free and going on to live a life of my own choosing. Now I can't even imagine why I ever had that dream - who was I thinking I was going to live that life with?

There's nothing ashamed with how you may have felt.   Marriage isn't always a beautiful thing, but it is amazing. It's knowing that despite all, someone loves you and you them; someone you wouldn't leave even when they said something really nasty.  It's fighting over stupid things, like someone not doing the dishes or picking up after themselves; its cleaning up after them or just rubbing their back and feet when they're sick.  Its the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding job there is; but after all is said and done, they are your best friend, the weirdest, most annoying (at times), loving, goofy, imperfectly perfect person you know.

I'll say it again, No, Marriage is not beautiful at all - it's one *Heaven* of a ride.  I had a *Perfect marriage* and perhaps you did also - meaning - two imperfect individuals who refused to give up on each another.

Continue to post, we are all imperfect individuals trying to help one another get through this horrific journey.   Stay Strong and know you are in my prayers.

 

[Ka9219]

Sue, I am so sorry for your loss. Sudden deaths are hard to handle the first days, I think it shock us harder, my boyfriend was super young and healthy and strong and he had an accident and life took him away, I couldn't believe how my strong man couldn't stood and fight back against it, but life is so fragile. 

I think is "natural" to find someone to blame, if you blame yourself you will feel guilty, but let me tell you this: all of us could do and be better with our love ones, but we are humans and we commit mistakes, is part of us, is part of our nature, the important thing is that we did the best we could. Even when you thought about "leaving" and you stayed, your actions speak louder than any word.

Grieve is a bitch -sorry about my vocabulary- but it is true, when we are grieving we will remember the saddest, and unhappiest moments, not the good ones, we are going to feel miserable, guilty, sad, hopeless, and if you ask me, there is not other way we can feel in the middle of this situation, losing someone breaks us, I feel like I die with him but forced to keep breathing and walking through this life.

I know you love him and stayed with him until his last breath, and I know he loved you because he stayed with you until his last breath.

Sadly there are not words that can bring you any consolation, but we are here for you

[KayC]

Sue,

I am so sorry not only for the loss of your husband, but also for the feelings you are now feeling.  When we're in an unhappy situation, daydreaming is sometimes our only escape, and I hope in time you can realize this is normal and nothing to feel guilty about.  I also want you to know that guilt is a very common grief response, most of us go through it.  We think all the what ifs as if trying to rewrite the script and have a different ending.  If only it worked that way.  I hope you will take to heart these articles that were written for people like you and me to keep in mind...

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

I hope you'll continue to come here, I found a grief forum after my husband died and found it to be a lifesaver for me.  We are the ones that "get it", we've been through it, it's hard but we'll help you through this if you want us to.  No one will judge you, we're here to care and understand.

 

[Sue S.]

Well, we buried him Saturday and this is my first day home alone without him. I miss him so much. I can't believe I am never going to see him again. I would give anything to have him back.

[Francine]

11 minutes ago, Sue S. said:

Well, we buried him Saturday and this is my first day home alone without him. I miss him so much. I can't believe I am never going to see him again. I would give anything to have him back.

I am so sorry for you - I know exactly how you feel - I was there and the emptiness and loneliness were overbearing and to some degree still is.  I still miss my Charles and I still have breakdowns because I miss him so much; I miss his smile, his voice; his silly jokes, his hands holding me, his teasing me.  I miss him to the degree I can feel my heart literally breaking.  You will grieve him and you're suppose to; you lost half of yourself and that hurts and will probably hurt for sometimes; but the hurt will eventually not sting as it does now.  I don't think the pain ever goes completely away;  often times, I'm not even sure if it gets easier; maybe we just get use to the pain that it feels easier most days, but it still hurts, your heart is still broken, and the pieces may not ever fit together the way they did before.

You are so much stronger than what you think.  The pain won't hurt so much; maybe not today, or tomorrow or even in a year; but eventually things will turn around for you; you will be more able to adjust to your pain and be able to look back and say with some sort of relief, "I made it".   And one day, I know you will, I just want you to know it - someday.  You are in my prayers and I ask God to give you the peace you need at this most difficult time in your life.   Stay strong because you are strong.

[KMB]

4 hours ago, Sue S. said:

Well, we buried him Saturday and this is my first day home alone without him. I miss him so much. I can't believe I am never going to see him again. I would give anything to have him back.

I remember the very first day I was alone also. I felt like I was the only one on this planet, that I had been forgotten and left behind. I spent a good part of the day crying, feeling like I was going to crawl out of my skin in agony. I am still not comfortable with being alone. I wish so desperately for my husband. It hurts so darn much that the one we need, is the one who is gone.

We are here for you, Sue.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Sue S. said:

Well, we buried him Saturday and this is my first day home alone without him. I miss him so much. I can't believe I am never going to see him again. I would give anything to have him back.

I'm glad you made it through Saturday.  I had my daughter with me for a while, but she began to be gone more and more until I was alone again, that's tough.  I think all of us can appreciate your feelings as we've all been through this.  (((hugs)))