Lost my Fiance

[BUnderwood]

It will be one month ago tomorrow since I lost my fiance, my best friend, the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, Jennifer.  We had been together for 3 years and 3 months, our wedding was scheduled for April of 2018.  She was made for me in every single way.  We laughed together, cried together, and spent every moment that we could together.  Even our hands were made for each other, they were the same size and fit together perfectly when we held hands.

Jennifer was 29 years old.  She had a sudden heart attack at work and could not be revived.  By the time I was told what was happening, she was already gone.  I never got a chance to say goodbye.  I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw her, that morning before she left for work.  I kissed her and told her I loved her.  I felt like something was off with her, but she said she was just tired and must not have slept well.  I took her word for it - we closed on a new house on June 1st and had been slowly moving throughout most of June, and I was pretty wiped out myself.  I'm mad at myself for not pressing harder about how she was feeling.

I hate going home to that big, empty house at night.  It was supposed to be ours to enjoy together, I feel selfish trying to enjoy it alone.  The one time I tried to sleep in our bedroom, I couldn't do it.  I've been sleeping in the guest room ever since.  Jennifer is supposed to be in that bed with me, but she's not.  It's our bed, not mine.  I went back to work after two weeks because I was out of paid time off.  That was a major mistake, I've been so unproductive at work and I feel like I'm letting my bosses down.  

My family lives a thousand miles away.  They are there for me over the phone and on skype, which is wonderful, but not in person.  Most of the people that I thought were my best friends have been silent for weeks.  If I text them, they don't text me back.  I know they're afraid or don't know what to say, but that's not what friendship is supposed to be.  My fiance's parents are angry with me because she named me as the beneficiary for her 401k and life insurance.  They feel I don't have a right to that because we weren't married yet, but it's what she wanted.  Part of me feels like they are angry about her death and lashing out at me because I'm a convenient target.  I wish I could grieve together with them, but that's not an option right now.

It hasn't been very long but I'm hoping I start to feel better soon.  So far, I just feel like I'm getting better at pretending to not be in pain.  I think the time is right to start seeing a therapist or grief counselor.  I've looked into support groups in my area but they're mostly geared towards older widows or widowers.  I'm 34 and I'm not sure I fit into that dynamic.  My life is empty and feels meaningless.  I will never stop missing or loving Jennifer.

[Eagle-96]

You are getting hit from all sides. The sudden death of your fiance(my wife died of a heart attack at age 46). No time to say everything you want. No time to say goodbye. It's a cruel fate I, and many here, know all to well. You will find out pretty quickly who your real friends are. Hang on tight to them as they are the ones who really care. But I heard some good advice during this process when someone said "the phone works both ways". Call 'em. Your friends just don't what to say. And even when the say it it will probably come out wrong. As we all say, nobody can know what we feel until they go through it. You will also find that some people want someone to blame for a death. You are the target it seems and the fact that you received her money makes you a bigger target. I am sorry you have to be the brunt of their sorrow. I heard things from a relative on Lori's side that blamed me for causing Lori stress and causing her heart attack. From the last person on earth I would expect. I am praying that you find peace and comfort on this journey. We're here for you.

[KMB]

I am deeply sorry. 29 is d@mn young for a fatal heart attack. Jennifer sounds like she was custom made for you, a soulmate. I can imagine how you feel that life is cold, cruel, to permanently delete Jennifer, your wedding plans and a life together. My heart hurts for you because I know your pain. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest just after he decided to retire. We all feel cheated and robbed by our loss.

You had no way of knowing what was going to happen. We live in the moment and the hindsight, the guilt feelings we grapple with are useless. We could not have changed the outcome, even though it is normal to run different scenarios through our mind which cause more agony. So, no beating up on yourself is allowed, OK?

Your family living long distance has to be hard. We need a support system to help us, to listen and just be there. I would still check into support groups and try a couple out. It does not matter how old you are. Loss of a life partner has no age boundaries. Go ahead with seeking a grief counselor. Some people cope easier doing both. A support group provides social interaction and the commonality of grieving. A counselor or therapist provides one on one attention to to specific needs.

Eagle is right about Jennifer's parent's behavior towards you. It is sad they feel the need to be angry at you. It is misplaced anger due to their own grieving. The two of you were engaged, setting up wedding plans, it was Jennifer's natural, loving choice to name you as beneficiary. She was only planning ahead to the life you were going to have together.

I am sorry you are another who found your way to this unwanted club, but relieved that you did. We are all here for you and I hope we can be of help in any way.

[Ka9219]

HI buddy, I am sorry about your loss, I know how frustrating and desperate you could feel at this time, losing someone so young hit us hard -Mario, my boyfriend died from brain death at 26 years old-. Our heart is broken because we lose our soulmates, Jennifer was made for you and you were made to be each others whole. But life happens and sometimes bad -and unfair- things happens to us. Grieve is a process, a path filled with horrible feelings: sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, anger, depression, death is not something we are ready to face up.

I understand what you said about "friends", they take some "distance" because first: people in general are afraid of death, some people just try to avoid talk about it, and second most people don't know what to say. In my grieve I am the one who chose not to talk with certain people because even when you tried to explain yourself they come up with empty words and things we already know. By the time the closer friends are my own family -my two sister- and a friend from university who lost her mother few years ago. Even Mario's brothers have been creating some "distance" because they need to keep going and grieve is different for all of us and they need to take that grieve "quicker" and that is ok.

I am sorry Jennifer's family have been acting that way towards you. Sometimes in the middle of the process we need to "discharge" our anger or frustration on someone, I am not proud to tell you this, but the one friend who introduced us -Mario and me- got angry with Mario and said some awful things about our relationship, and when Mario died, I sent him a message and told he was immature, he acted awful and Mario didn't deserve a friend like him, I discharged my anger and sadness on him. And few days after that I realized I did wrong. Common sense tells me they will approach you any time soon so you can grieve together.

If you can, take some time off and go with your family, support is key in the process of grieving, and you need them. There is not "easy" way to go through grieve, be patient, go easy on yourself, grieve comes in waves, will be good day, bad and worst days, and we can not expect to go through this within months, is a long path.

A big hug for you, and I am terrible sorry about your loss =(

[Tammy Joseph]

I hope you know EVERYTHING you are feeling is completely normal. You are grieving the loss of your love. Please do not try to rush through the process. It's only been a month. I hope you can find someone to talk to. It helps so much to talk to those who have been through grief. Read books on grief. See a grief counselor or talk to a grief coach. Journal. What ever it takes to work through your emotions. And cry! Cry whenever you feel like it. It's okay to feel lost and alone. Right now you are. But I also can tell you this...one day it gets better. One day you will see the light again. Your life will never be the same..but it can be good again.But you have to first go through this really hard time. Reach out to anyone who will listen. We will listen to you here. I will pray for you.

[Azipod]

8 hours ago, BUnderwood said:

It will be one month ago tomorrow since I lost my fiance, my best friend, the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, Jennifer.  We had been together for 3 years and 3 months, our wedding was scheduled for April of 2018.  She was made for me in every single way.  We laughed together, cried together, and spent every moment that we could together.  Even our hands were made for each other, they were the same size and fit together perfectly when we held hands.

Jennifer was 29 years old.  She had a sudden heart attack at work and could not be revived.  By the time I was told what was happening, she was already gone.  I never got a chance to say goodbye.  I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw her, that morning before she left for work.  I kissed her and told her I loved her.  I felt like something was off with her, but she said she was just tired and must not have slept well.  I took her word for it - we closed on a new house on June 1st and had been slowly moving throughout most of June, and I was pretty wiped out myself.  I'm mad at myself for not pressing harder about how she was feeling.

I hate going home to that big, empty house at night.  It was supposed to be ours to enjoy together, I feel selfish trying to enjoy it alone.  The one time I tried to sleep in our bedroom, I couldn't do it.  I've been sleeping in the guest room ever since.  Jennifer is supposed to be in that bed with me, but she's not.  It's our bed, not mine.  I went back to work after two weeks because I was out of paid time off.  That was a major mistake, I've been so unproductive at work and I feel like I'm letting my bosses down.  

My family lives a thousand miles away.  They are there for me over the phone and on skype, which is wonderful, but not in person.  Most of the people that I thought were my best friends have been silent for weeks.  If I text them, they don't text me back.  I know they're afraid or don't know what to say, but that's not what friendship is supposed to be.  My fiance's parents are angry with me because she named me as the beneficiary for her 401k and life insurance.  They feel I don't have a right to that because we weren't married yet, but it's what she wanted.  Part of me feels like they are angry about her death and lashing out at me because I'm a convenient target.  I wish I could grieve together with them, but that's not an option right now.

It hasn't been very long but I'm hoping I start to feel better soon.  So far, I just feel like I'm getting better at pretending to not be in pain.  I think the time is right to start seeing a therapist or grief counselor.  I've looked into support groups in my area but they're mostly geared towards older widows or widowers.  I'm 34 and I'm not sure I fit into that dynamic.  My life is empty and feels meaningless.  I will never stop missing or loving Jennifer.

Hi Bunderwood,

I feel terrible about what you are going through and I feel your pain.  Like you, my wife and I had a young relationship (married just shy of 6 years), just settled our financials (bought a house in the San Francisco area), and now I'm stuck with everything we built in our life together, alone.  We're both young at 39.

Its almost been a month for me.  I started seeing therapist even before the funeral. It's early, and my feelings are going wild.  But heck, I need someone to talk to.  I'm also on the list for an upcoming grief support group and I think you should go for it.  They warned me too that most grievers will be older but I'm going to keep and open mind.  What other choice do I have?

My life as well as my house is totally empty.  It's bad.  There's no better way to say it.

You mentioned your friends don't text back.  Well, I'm texting a lot these days.  If you like, we can try texting each other for support.  I think we can relate in many ways.

please let me know if I can help.

[KayC]

On 7/27/2017 at 1:16 PM, BUnderwood said:

It will be one month ago tomorrow since I lost my fiance, my best friend, the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, Jennifer.  We had been together for 3 years and 3 months, our wedding was scheduled for April of 2018.  She was made for me in every single way.  We laughed together, cried together, and spent every moment that we could together.  Even our hands were made for each other, they were the same size and fit together perfectly when we held hands.

Jennifer was 29 years old.  She had a sudden heart attack at work and could not be revived.  By the time I was told what was happening, she was already gone.  I never got a chance to say goodbye.  I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw her, that morning before she left for work.  I kissed her and told her I loved her.  I felt like something was off with her, but she said she was just tired and must not have slept well.  I took her word for it - we closed on a new house on June 1st and had been slowly moving throughout most of June, and I was pretty wiped out myself.  I'm mad at myself for not pressing harder about how she was feeling.

I hate going home to that big, empty house at night.  It was supposed to be ours to enjoy together, I feel selfish trying to enjoy it alone.  The one time I tried to sleep in our bedroom, I couldn't do it.  I've been sleeping in the guest room ever since.  Jennifer is supposed to be in that bed with me, but she's not.  It's our bed, not mine.  I went back to work after two weeks because I was out of paid time off.  That was a major mistake, I've been so unproductive at work and I feel like I'm letting my bosses down.  

My family lives a thousand miles away.  They are there for me over the phone and on skype, which is wonderful, but not in person.  Most of the people that I thought were my best friends have been silent for weeks.  If I text them, they don't text me back.  I know they're afraid or don't know what to say, but that's not what friendship is supposed to be.  My fiance's parents are angry with me because she named me as the beneficiary for her 401k and life insurance.  They feel I don't have a right to that because we weren't married yet, but it's what she wanted.  Part of me feels like they are angry about her death and lashing out at me because I'm a convenient target.  I wish I could grieve together with them, but that's not an option right now.

It hasn't been very long but I'm hoping I start to feel better soon.  So far, I just feel like I'm getting better at pretending to not be in pain.  I think the time is right to start seeing a therapist or grief counselor.  I've looked into support groups in my area but they're mostly geared towards older widows or widowers.  I'm 34 and I'm not sure I fit into that dynamic.  My life is empty and feels meaningless.  I will never stop missing or loving Jennifer.

I'm so sorry this happened, to lose the love of your life when you're so young, it's just not fair.  You are probably right about her parents, you're a convenient target, but that doesn't make it right.  You were living together, buying a house together, of course she's going to make you her beneficiary, it's not your fault she didn't get to live long enough to be married to you, you had plans to.  

It's been 12 years for me and I still don't sleep in our bed, neither can I get rid of it.  I sleep in our reclining loveseat, the first piece of furniture we bought together.  It has something broken on one side and I've had to sew the upholstery in a couple of places (it's 17 years old now) but I can't get rid of it, it means so much to me.  I still remember George saying he didn't want one of those loveseats with the drinkholder in the middle, he didn't want anything coming between us.  So many memories spent there, Christmases, etc.

Your friends are young and haven't experienced this, they don't know what to say or how to respond, so they run from it.  Unfortunately, we can't.  This is our life now.

I'm very sorry for your loss, I hope it helps you to come here and know there's a whole lot of people here that "get it", that understand.  We're all going through this together.

[Azipod]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

 

It's been 12 years for me and I still don't sleep in our bed, neither can I get rid of it.  I sleep in our reclining loveseat, the first piece of furniture we bought together.  It has something broken on one side and I've had to sew the upholstery in a couple of places (it's 17 years old now) but I can't get rid of it, it means so much to me.  I still remember George saying he didn't want one of those loveseats with the drinkholder in the middle, he didn't want anything coming between us.  So many memories spent there, Christmases, etc.

Hi KayC,

Your post about not being able to sleep on our bed for 12-years is interesting to me.  Would you be so kind to share what the barriers are?

The reason why I am asking is because I'm having some difficulties deciding what to do with my wife's personal belongings.   Even though it's only been almost a month, I really have no real plans on getting rid of her stuff.  In fact, a lot of the stuff I don't even really know what to do with.    Her clothes, I would eventually donate.   As for her every day hygeine stuff, some  have already discarded -- like her toothbrush, disposable shavers.   But as far as other more durable goods, I'm not really sure what to do with it.   Then there's like the make up, combs, and your every day beauty products.  Do I just let this sit and collect dust?      Along with all this, some of the most difficult things are her personal memorabilias -- i have no idea what to with that.   For the immediate future, I can just leave things the way it is.  

Eventually, I suspect I would box them up.  But then what do I do with it then?   Do they go into storage in the garage?    I'm 39.  I'm not trying to think ahead, but at some point I suppose I would get into chapter #2 of my life.   I really don't know what the right thing to do is.     I dont think there's a right answer.   But how do i decide?

[KMB]

Azipod, You do not have to make a decision about your wife's personal belongings until you absolutely feel ready to take those steps.  Almost a year now for me, and my husband's things are still where he left them. I did contact our clinic to find the right way to dispose of his meds, some of which were diabetic supplies. I could not stand the sight of his meds. They were a constant reminder of the health conditions that ended his life.

Maybe other family members would like a sentimental personal item? Like you mention, clothes of course can be donated. Makeup, beauty products, etc., you might decide to toss after awhile  Anything personal can be boxed up, stored, pulled out occasionally for the memories. It is an individual decision. Some people dispose of things right away, some wait for awhile and some leave things as they are for years. The latter of which will probably be me. I am 18 years older than you and I know that I will have no need or desire for another relationship in my "chapter 2", so I am not concerned with hiding things away. Take your time and do it your way, that is all that matters.

[AshleyDonahue]

On 7/27/2017 at 4:16 PM, BUnderwood said:

It will be one month ago tomorrow since I lost my fiance, my best friend, the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, Jennifer.  We had been together for 3 years and 3 months, our wedding was scheduled for April of 2018.  She was made for me in every single way.  We laughed together, cried together, and spent every moment that we could together.  Even our hands were made for each other, they were the same size and fit together perfectly when we held hands.

Jennifer was 29 years old.  She had a sudden heart attack at work and could not be revived.  By the time I was told what was happening, she was already gone.  I never got a chance to say goodbye.  I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw her, that morning before she left for work.  I kissed her and told her I loved her.  I felt like something was off with her, but she said she was just tired and must not have slept well.  I took her word for it - we closed on a new house on June 1st and had been slowly moving throughout most of June, and I was pretty wiped out myself.  I'm mad at myself for not pressing harder about how she was feeling.

I hate going home to that big, empty house at night.  It was supposed to be ours to enjoy together, I feel selfish trying to enjoy it alone.  The one time I tried to sleep in our bedroom, I couldn't do it.  I've been sleeping in the guest room ever since.  Jennifer is supposed to be in that bed with me, but she's not.  It's our bed, not mine.  I went back to work after two weeks because I was out of paid time off.  That was a major mistake, I've been so unproductive at work and I feel like I'm letting my bosses down.  

My family lives a thousand miles away.  They are there for me over the phone and on skype, which is wonderful, but not in person.  Most of the people that I thought were my best friends have been silent for weeks.  If I text them, they don't text me back.  I know they're afraid or don't know what to say, but that's not what friendship is supposed to be.  My fiance's parents are angry with me because she named me as the beneficiary for her 401k and life insurance.  They feel I don't have a right to that because we weren't married yet, but it's what she wanted.  Part of me feels like they are angry about her death and lashing out at me because I'm a convenient target.  I wish I could grieve together with them, but that's not an option right now.

It hasn't been very long but I'm hoping I start to feel better soon.  So far, I just feel like I'm getting better at pretending to not be in pain.  I think the time is right to start seeing a therapist or grief counselor.  I've looked into support groups in my area but they're mostly geared towards older widows or widowers.  I'm 34 and I'm not sure I fit into that dynamic.  My life is empty and feels meaningless.  I will never stop missing or loving Jennifer.

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I'm about the same age (31) and also lost my fiancé. I was unsure about seeing a therapist at first, but I have been going 1-2 per week for the past month, and it has become increasingly helpful. I would recommend at least trying it out. To be brutally honest, it hasn't lessened the pain for me at all... it is, however, a condoned time/place for venting. I don't necessarily feel comfortable sharing how I really feel to my friends and family. At least with the therapist, I can speak freely, and not have to pretend to be okay. 

My heart breaks for you that you aren't able to grieve with Jennifer's family. I did not have personal experience with tragedy until I lost David, but can now say that the old adage is true, it brings out the best and worst in people. Im sorry that you're contending with the latter... I hope they come around and somehow you can all pull together. 

As for not sleeping your bed, I understand and empathize with you very much. The first time going into our master bedroom after the accident was excrutiating. I barely managed to pack up some my clothes and some of his, to take with me to my parents' house (I've been staying with them for the past month). I admire your strength for just being in the house, it's a lot....

All I can say is I'm sorry again. My heart goes out to you. 

[KayC]

On 7/29/2017 at 10:04 AM, Azipod said:

Your post about not being able to sleep on our bed for 12-years is interesting to me.  Would you be so kind to share what the barriers are?

Everyone handles it differently.  Some people buy a new bed/furnishings.  I don't want to get rid of the things that remind me of him and our life together.  It's a personal decision.  BUT, that said, sleeping in our bed is a huge reminder to me of his absence...the empty space on the other side of the bed where he should be snuggled up to me, it's just too hard.  So I sleep in our loveseat recliner instead.  It doesn't have to make sense to anyone, it's what brings comfort to me that matters.

[KayC]

On 7/29/2017 at 10:04 AM, Azipod said:

The reason why I am asking is because I'm having some difficulties deciding what to do with my wife's personal belongings.   Even though it's only been almost a month, I really have no real plans on getting rid of her stuff.  In fact, a lot of the stuff I don't even really know what to do with.    Her clothes, I would eventually donate.   As for her every day hygeine stuff, some  have already discarded -- like her toothbrush, disposable shavers.   But as far as other more durable goods, I'm not really sure what to do with it.   Then there's like the make up, combs, and your every day beauty products.  Do I just let this sit and collect dust?      Along with all this, some of the most difficult things are her personal memorabilias -- i have no idea what to with that.   For the immediate future, I can just leave things the way it is.  

Eventually, I suspect I would box them up.  But then what do I do with it then?   Do they go into storage in the garage?    I'm 39.  I'm not trying to think ahead, but at some point I suppose I would get into chapter #2 of my life.   I really don't know what the right thing to do is.     I dont think there's a right answer.   But how do i decide?

There is no hurry.  No timetable.  Only what feels right to YOU.  George died June 19, Father's Day, 2005.  On the 4th of July his closet rod broke, dumping all his clothes to the floor.  Mine were intact.  I felt it was a sign I was supposed to box them up, so I did.  I left the boxes sitting in our bedroom for nearly two months, and then I knew what to do with them, I donated them to Sponsors and I knew that's what he'd want done with them.  He was always there for the down and outers, and I knew inside me this is where they were to go.  You will know when the time is right what to do with them.  Meanwhile, it doesn't hurt them to stay where they are or to box them up and put them in the garage until you know what to do with them.  If they bother you seeing them, box them up.  If they bring you comfort, leave them be.  It's all up to you and there is no right or wrong about it, only what feels best for YOU.

I dealt with his stuff little by little.  I gave his colognes away at a Christmas White Elephant party and the recipient complained about getting them.  I was so angry, I wanted to go grab them away from the person!  Little did they know what it cost me inside to let them go.  I'd wanted someone to have use of them.  I gave his wallet to my future son-in-law who needed one.  I sold his Leatherman when I was out of work and needed the money...I cried when it sold, but I also knew George would prefer I eat than hang onto something I wasn't using.  It killed me to let go of his trailer, and looking back, I did so way too soon and should have had my daughter there helping me clean it out.  It was hard cleaning out his car but I had no choice, I couldn't afford the payment.  There's nothing easy about this.

[Azipod]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

Everyone handles it differently.  Some people buy a new bed/furnishings.  I don't want to get rid of the things that remind me of him and our life together.  It's a personal decision.  BUT, that said, sleeping in our bed is a huge reminder to me of his absence...the empty space on the other side of the bed where he should be snuggled up to me, it's just too hard.  So I sleep in our loveseat recliner instead.  It doesn't have to make sense to anyone, it's what brings comfort to me that matters.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me.  There are really so many sides to this pain and I feel so blessed that we are all able to share all of this together.

Although I don't have any problems sleeping on our bed, I do have some unusualness about our house in general, and in some respects, some of the contents.  

For example, we both (more so for my wife really) wanted to buy this expensive glass coffee table for many years.  However, we never really got around to it because we were busy doing other home improvements.   Just about two months before the incident, we finally shelled out almost $800 for the coffee table and we were both so happy that we did it.  We both commented every day about how much of a great decision it was and how we're both so happy with it.  To me, this table has a lot of sentimental value. The problem?  Well, how can I ever share this table with anyone else?  In my heart, this table is "ours."

Then, on the larger scope of things, there's our entire house.  We bought our house (first time buyer for the both of us) several years ago.  We felt like a million bucks and it was such an accomplishment for the both of us to be able to afford something in the San Francisco area.   Over the last few years, we updated and customized our house in so many ways.  We changed our house to reflect us.     Now, it kills me to be here.   Then house is "ours."    

Again, how can I ever share this house with anyone else?  I feel so overly protective of everything.

 

[KayC]

I wouldn't worry about sharing your house or belongings with anyone else, you're not there yet.  Try to only concern yourself with today and not go too far into the future, it's too much to handle at once.  If and when the time comes you have someone to share in your life with, you will be more in a state of readiness for those changes.  Until then, you're still processing this death, have much to go through with it, much healing to take place.  This is indeed quite a journey.  It's okay to feel protective of everything, you're not ready to let go of anything.  You'll be the first to know if that changes.  

[Azipod]

On 7/31/2017 at 8:49 AM, KayC said:

I wouldn't worry about sharing your house or belongings with anyone else, you're not there yet.  Try to only concern yourself with today and not go too far into the future, it's too much to handle at once.  If and when the time comes you have someone to share in your life with, you will be more in a state of readiness for those changes.  Until then, you're still processing this death, have much to go through with it, much healing to take place.  This is indeed quite a journey.  It's okay to feel protective of everything, you're not ready to let go of anything.  You'll be the first to know if that changes.  

Thank you so much for helping me settle down.  Sometimes my mind still races and I don't really know what to do.  In addition to the daily grind and grief, I routinely think "what if this" and "what if that" for things to come down the road.  Some of the anxiety is due to the fear of the unknown, and because of the major lifestyle change this event has caused.

I am so sad.  People at work comment that I am so tough and that I appear to be doing so well.  Little do they know that I'm being being destroyed from the inside out. I am struggling and people around me don't really know.

Tonight, I'm going to an informal weekly drop-in support group for grief/bereavement support.   We'll see how this goes.

 

 

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I am so sad.  People at work comment that I am so tough and that I appear to be doing so well.  Little do they know that I'm being being destroyed from the inside out. I am struggling and people around me don't really know.

If they only saw us without the mask on. If they only knew what we go through. A true glimpse into our daily lives would be shocking and unsettling to say the least. A favorite quote of mine is:

"Through my grieving process, I don't want to be admired for my strength nor pitied for my weakness.

I just want to be understood.

Some days I may be strong.

Some days I may be weak.

I chose neither".

[KayC]

Azipod, I'm so glad you're trying a grief support group, let us know how it goes!  Our small town has never had one so I started one earlier this year, our church lets us hold it there for free.

People have no idea how hard this really is or how we're doing.  They'd probably be scared for us if they truly knew...

Sean, I like that quote...I chose neither.

[KMB]

Eagle-96, That is a great quote!

4 hours ago, Azipod said:

I am so sad.  People at work comment that I am so tough and that I appear to be doing so well.  Little do they know that I'm being being destroyed from the inside out. I am struggling and people around me don't really know.

Tonight, I'm going to an informal weekly drop-in support group for grief/bereavement support.   We'll see how this goes.

 

That is just it. No one can see our pain. The gaping wound is not on the outside, where people could see it and get an idea of the agony.

Yes, please let us know how you felt about the support group. If you get uncomfortable, you can always take your leave. If it does work out, great! If it doesn't, you can at least say you gave it a try.

[Ka9219]

12 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I don't want to be admired for my strength nor pitied for my weakness.

I just want to be understood.

THIS!!!!! Thank you, I think this is the better quote I've ever read, I don't want to be fixed, or I don't want a speech of what "should I do", I just want to be understood, that my friends are there just for listening even if I have to say the same thing a million times.

It is not about being "strong" it's about survive the situation 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

THIS!!!!! Thank you, I think this is the better quote I've ever read, I don't want to be fixed, or I don't want a speech of what "should I do", I just want to be understood, that my friends are there just for listening even if I have to say the same thing a million times.

It is not about being "strong" it's about survive the situation 

For sure!