My daughter is gone

[aviemare]

We got the call on April 2nd at around 11:30 pm that our beautiful 26 year old daughter Nicole had died of an overdose of RX meds on her sister's floor.  She is not even in her urn yet and people are telling me to "stay strong" and "accept" her death.  I can do neither.  I did not get to see her to say goodbye.  The funeral home wanted $1000 to paint her up in a death mask and do "autopsy" repairs.  Having just lost my dad 12 months ago and our house last September I simply did not have the finances after Nicole's funeral costs, and so they would not let me see her. 

I feel like I owed it to her to have the courage to look upon her face as she left this world just as I looked upon it when she entered the world.  I know she would not look the same and would smell bad.  This is the natural cycle of life and I was ready to accept it.  Besides, I did not want to see her body; just a peek at her face to say goodbye and assure myself that it was really her.  I have no sense of closure and don't know that I ever will now.

I feel cheated and angry at people who say it was "for the best" anyway as it would just upset me and leave bad memories.  HEL-LO!  How much more upset can I be?  This is it.  The most unendurable pain a human can face.

Nicole leaves behind a 27 month old baby boy Nickolus, a fiance, two brothers, a sister, a sister-in-law, a loving father and this wraith-like thing that I, her mother, have become.

I am somewhere in a pit so black that I don't even think the demons of Hell could bear it here.  I want to scream at thoughtless well-meaning people that I don't care if "it was her time" or "they saw this coming." No parent who has lost a child can "stay strong" before they even bury her!  I don't want to be strong.  I don't want to be brave or inspirational.  I want to scream out that I just want my child back and there is nothing nothing NOTHING  I can think of that I would not give to have her again.

I live each day from second to second and have no recollection of the time passing.  I have no desire to see friends and with the exception of my husband, children,  grandchildren, and my cats, dog and horses I want no part of the outside world.

My mom is the hardest to deal with.  Having lost my dad a year ago and living by herself in another state, she can only cope in the best way she knows how.  She speaks constantly about what plane of existence Nicole is now on, how her energy is weak because she is a young soul and how I must come to accept that her time was up.  I usually go into a full blown panic attack after about 10 minutes of this and my blood pressure and heart rate skyrocket.  I know I must listen to her for she grieves as well, and while we do share the some of the same beliefs about life after death, I just can't stomach hearing them preached to me on a daily basis because I have not come to terms with my daughter's death yet, and may not for a very long time.

When my dad died his energy was like a freight train; he made himself known to me in very loud and boisterous ways that would have made Ghost Hunters jump up and down and include me in their next episode! 

However, because Nicole was my child my grief is so extreme that her energy is cut off from reaching me and this is the most upsetting thing of all.  I have severe chronic pain from some incurable illnesses and surgical repairs to my elbow and ankle tendons, and have learned to meditate and quiet my mind for pain control, but even when I am relaxed my mind is not quiet.  I fear she will be gone by the time I get my head on straight, which may be a very long time.

Any suggestions on how to cope with my poor mom and her grief without a full-blown panic attack?  I have tried to tell her that I don't believe it was Nicole's time to go and that I miss her and must grieve in my own way, but she actually argues with me!

I feel bad for not being able to console my mother, but I am barely functioning right now and tired to the very core of my being.

Thank you for listening.

Anni

[hotsauce]

Dear Anni,

i am sorry for the lost of your daughter NICOLE.  i am also sorry for the lost of your father and your other problems.

know that you are not alone, and we all understand your pain in this journey.

i have no words to make anything right, but know you can come here anytime and talk all you need. 

i lost my only child BRIAN, at the age of 22 to leukemia on 5-1-09.  with his angel date coming up i am in such a black hole.  your family is in my prayers. 

mary ann (hotsauce)

BRIAN'S momdukes

[hotrod]

Dear Anni

 

I am so very sorry for your loss  YOur daughter and her child are so very beautiful.  Please come here often and share  NO one will tell you to get over it orthat  she is better off.  We understand the pain of loosing a child and how difficult it is.

I lost my only son Stephen 3 years ago and miss him every moment of every day.  PLease know that  you are not alone and will be supported in your painful journey if you come here to your Indigo family. 

Praying for your peace.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[aviemare]

Thank you so much for your kind words.  My husband is at the funeral home getting her hair right now.  I make horsehair jewelry for people who's horses have passed, and will now make some for my family from my daughter's beautiful long hair.  I know it will smell bad, but my husband said he would pre-wash it for me if it did.  Am I being a coward to not do it myself?  People of old had to prepare bodies at home.  Maybe I am allowed to be a coward right now?  I don't know what or who I am right now...

Peace and Happy Trails Always,

Anni

[hotrod]

[user=48083]aviemare[/user] wrote:

.  Maybe I am allowed to be a coward right now?  I don't know what or who I am right now...

Peace and Happy Trails Always,

Anni

Anni

You are a grieving mom of coarse you are allowed to be gentle with yourself. Love the new picture.  The jewelry sounds wonderful.  Post a picture when you can,

Betty

[aviemare]

Oh thank You for your support.  While I have 3 other children and 6 grandchildren (plus a little boy bun in the oven named Wil) I still mourn Nikki as if she were the only one.  I can't find comfort in my other children right now because I can't even find myself.  I love them dearly and they know it but we are all just getting through these blurred days as best we can. 

I have always been the "pillar" of our family but that pillar is now broken and all must learn in an agonizing way to stand up alone.  The good part is that our family stands side by side so we are still strong but I think each of us is alone in a personal way with our pain and sorrow.

I will never accept or get over the loss of my child but I know I will learn to live with the "disability" of her loss eventually, just as I have learned to live with chronic pain and illness.  I spent 10 years re-defining the "new me" after my life changed when I became ill, and I will probably spend the rest of my life here on Earth re-defining whatever it was I became when I had to re-define in the first place.  Wow.  What a mouthful!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.  Sorrier than you will ever know.

Thank you for your support.

[hotrod]

Dear Anni

I know the pain you are feeling and understand how you must redefine yourself. 

 It is impossible to be the pillar of the family right now. I am so glad that your family stands together because this is the time you each need each other.  Nicole's son is perfect and I am happy that another boy child will be in your family soon.  

There is a much more active place on this board where  you will find so many grieving moms who will be able to support you during this difficult time.

Just click on:Loss of an Adult Child Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 1558  and post your message there  You will receive many responses.

It is so evident how loved Nicole was and how you do miss her., I am so very sorry for your terrible loss. 

Betty

Stephen'smom:) (I add the smiley next to Stephen'smom because it makes me happy to remember that I am still his mom) 

[redcouch]

Anni,

I know exactly how you feel about redefining youself. I am also sorry about the loss of your daughter, Nicole. My daughter's name was Nicole too. 

Take good care.

[Kelly]

June 07, 2010

 

Dear Members,

 

We’re excited to inform you that we’re moving to a new and improved message board at the end of this week. It may seem a little bit sudden, but we recently learned that the company that designed our current board is no longer in existence. Our new message board will offer enhanced profile capabilities and chat rooms with up to 20 people at a time (and more if we need it). All of your old posts and private messages will be migrated to our new message board. You may need to re-post your profile picture. Our new message board will feature:

 

• Custom profile fields
  
• Profile page customization with optional background colors, images, and tiling options
  
• Facebook and Twitter integration
  
• Multiple post responses via “mini-quotes”
  
• Pinned discussion threads
  
• Targeted board announcements (for entire board or certain sections)
  
• Comprehensive search options enabling users to easily find all content created by a particular member (by clicking “Find Content” on the main profile page, or in the “Mini Profile” pop-up which can be accessed throughout the board) 
  
• Enhanced privacy options that allow users to sign in anonymously, be hidden from the online users list, disable personal conversations, and deny user-to-user emails

 

You can access the new message board by visiting www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com. Grieving.com is still 100% a part of Beyond Indigo; we just created a new Web address for Search Engine Optimization (SEO) purposes. We’ll do our best to redirect all existing URL’s to our new board, but if you have difficulty accessing them, just remember to visit www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We’ll of course try to make this transition as seamless as possible. 

 

Our new board will seamlessly enable us to grow our community and provide you with even more ways to interact with one other, and for that we’re very grateful. Please feel free to email feedback@beyondindigo.com with any questions, and thank you for being a part of the Beyond Indigo online community.

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President/CEO, Beyond Indigo

 

 

[debraf]

Wow!! I thought I was alone... I just found this sight.  I am so, so very sorry for your loss.  My only son Ryan was struck and killed 1/9/10.  I can still hear the state trooper telling me "Ryan didn't make it".  The trooper drove me to the hospital to identify his body.  I was hoping against hope (the whole ride) it wasn't him, it was a mistake, it wasn't a mistake.  I was lucky I got to see him (not alive) but to have alone time with him even though I felt like it was a nightmare, not real at all.  It is horrible that funeral home wouldn't let you see your daughter!  A lot of what you have written I am feeling.  I have one other child (Kaity-14) don't feel like a very good Mom to her the last 6 mths.  I two don't want anything to do with anyone.  I am so angry, sad, oh... so many emotions all at once my head spins.  I have been waiting for Ryan to contact me and let me know he is okay... I only had one vivid dream where he came to my house and needed to borrow some tool and money.  He looked/acted so happy and I thought it was real.  When I woke up I went looking for him and reality was it was only a dream.  I haven't felt him since and think he won't come back to me and I sooo need to talk to him again and make sure he is ok.  Many of my friends and family seem to think it is time for me to go on.. they have NOT lost a child and I wish they wouldn't say anything at all.  Sorry... I have gone on and on.  I just wanted you to know I feel somewhat you feel.  Wish our pain was a bad nightmare and we both woke up to our beautiful children.  Take care the best you can as I will.

[aviemare]

I have learned to tell people who say stupid crap to shove it up their asses.  I am blunt and outspoken when they say stupid things.  I could give a damn less if they "meant well."  Not my problem they chose not to educate themselves on what to say to the bereaved.  A simple: "I'm so sorry" is all it takes.  Sheesh.

I find myself very numb these days.  I can't recall my daughter much anymore; she is slipping away farther each day.  My mind is a jumble of odd thoughts, often with no cohesive pattern to any of them.  Just snippets of something.  I know my mind is trying to protect me from going completely nuts.

I recently fractured my spine and suffer from many other chronic pain conditions that make going out and doing things to pass the time very difficult.  I try to ride my horse when I can even with the spinal fracture.  My horse is very spooky and ditzy and when I am riding Avalon it's one of the few times I can concentrate completely on the task at hand because she is simply not the kind of horse one can just meander aimlessly around on.  Still, my rides are far too few these days.

How ABSURD that people think we are going to "just move on."  How absolutely ignorant and thoughtless. 

http://ramonajournal.com/clients/ramonajournal/please-not-my-daughter-p2782.htm?twindow=Default&smenu=88&mad=No

I think we understand each other completely.

Anni

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

[Kathyjm]

Hello All,

     I want to start out by saying I am deeply sorry for everyone who has lost a child. I lost my daughter, Mikayla, 2 years ago. I did not even think to try to get help online until about 2 weeks ago. I thought I was losing my mind and I found a site that explained how most parents feel and the phases they go through and it described everything I have been going through. I feel so relieved that the symptoms I have had and continue to have are completely normal. 

     I am at the stage of trying to move on with my life now, and it is almost as hard as the first couple of years of grieving. I still have a few of the symptoms, like the fear of losing another child. I had 4. My oldest is 21 and does not live at home, my youngest is 12 and Brittany is now 16. Brittany was Mikaylas twin. Mikayla passed away on their 14th birthday. April, 21. That part really gets was what shocked me. She was born and died on the same day 14 years later. 

     Mikayla had a bad reaction to the 2 month vaccinations that the law requires us to give to our children. She had a stroke, her sugar level was only 2,she was paralyzed on her right side, and three quarters of of her brain had been permanently damaged. Mikayla never crawled, walked, talked, and was unable to sit up on her own. She was completely dependent on me. So for 11 years she went through multiple Respiratory arrests, cardiac arrests, pneumonias, sepsis, Just to name a few of her issues. For the last 3 years of her life all she every went to the doctor for  checkups and a few respiratory infections. But she had not been admitted into the hospital during the last few years of her life. She was not sick when she passed. I got her ready for bed and I went to check on her about 10 minutes later and she was struggling to breath. By the time the paramedics got there she had completely stopped breathing. I had oxygen on her but if she is not breathing that does not help much. So the medics performed cpr on her on the way to the hospital which is less than five minutes away and when she got into the hospital and they were trying to intubate her and her heart stopped. The doctors could not revive her. I still don't know what happened to cause her death. The only thing we could figure is that her body was out growing her organs causing her heart to work harder to the point that it just gave out. 

     It took me a good 2 years to start dealing with everything and realizing that I had to learn to live without her. I was so depressed and would go days without sleeping at all and I had many of the normal grieving systems which I now know was just the grieving process and I was not crazy. My issue is moving on now. I got a job, which helps tremendously. I feel like I have some kind of purpose again. But I still have a lot of those days when I just want to hide from the world. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I learn to live again and not just simply survive. Because I feel as If I am ready, I want to be ready, but how do I get there.

With sympathy to all,

Kathy

[Mermaid Tears]

Kathyjm.....first...I want you to know how very sorry I am to hear of your loss....I lost my son, John David in 2012....when I found this site I, too, was very relieved to find out my grieving process was normal....I discovered I wasn't crazy...I was just in deep mourning....please go to the site..'Loss of Adult Child'....we have many active parents on that site...and it doesn't matter how old your child was..if they are 2...16....20....50....they are still our child....none of us have answers...but we do come together and hold our hands and hearts as we travel this grief journey.