Members aviemare Posted April 14, 2010 Members Report Share Posted April 14, 2010 We got the call on April 2nd at around 11:30 pm that our beautiful 26 year old daughter Nicole had died of an overdose of RX meds on her sister's floor. She is not even in her urn yet and people are telling me to "stay strong" and "accept" her death. I can do neither. I did not get to see her to say goodbye. The funeral home wanted $1000 to paint her up in a death mask and do "autopsy" repairs. Having just lost my dad 12 months ago and our house last September I simply did not have the finances after Nicole's funeral costs, and so they would not let me see her. I feel like I owed it to her to have the courage to look upon her face as she left this world just as I looked upon it when she entered the world. I know she would not look the same and would smell bad. This is the natural cycle of life and I was ready to accept it. Besides, I did not want to see her body; just a peek at her face to say goodbye and assure myself that it was really her. I have no sense of closure and don't know that I ever will now.I feel cheated and angry at people who say it was "for the best" anyway as it would just upset me and leave bad memories. HEL-LO! How much more upset can I be? This is it. The most unendurable pain a human can face.Nicole leaves behind a 27 month old baby boy Nickolus, a fiance, two brothers, a sister, a sister-in-law, a loving father and this wraith-like thing that I, her mother, have become.I am somewhere in a pit so black that I don't even think the demons of Hell could bear it here. I want to scream at thoughtless well-meaning people that I don't care if "it was her time" or "they saw this coming." No parent who has lost a child can "stay strong" before they even bury her! I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be brave or inspirational. I want to scream out that I just want my child back and there is nothing nothing NOTHING I can think of that I would not give to have her again.I live each day from second to second and have no recollection of the time passing. I have no desire to see friends and with the exception of my husband, children, grandchildren, and my cats, dog and horses I want no part of the outside world.My mom is the hardest to deal with. Having lost my dad a year ago and living by herself in another state, she can only cope in the best way she knows how. She speaks constantly about what plane of existence Nicole is now on, how her energy is weak because she is a young soul and how I must come to accept that her time was up. I usually go into a full blown panic attack after about 10 minutes of this and my blood pressure and heart rate skyrocket. I know I must listen to her for she grieves as well, and while we do share the some of the same beliefs about life after death, I just can't stomach hearing them preached to me on a daily basis because I have not come to terms with my daughter's death yet, and may not for a very long time.When my dad died his energy was like a freight train; he made himself known to me in very loud and boisterous ways that would have made Ghost Hunters jump up and down and include me in their next episode! However, because Nicole was my child my grief is so extreme that her energy is cut off from reaching me and this is the most upsetting thing of all. I have severe chronic pain from some incurable illnesses and surgical repairs to my elbow and ankle tendons, and have learned to meditate and quiet my mind for pain control, but even when I am relaxed my mind is not quiet. I fear she will be gone by the time I get my head on straight, which may be a very long time.Any suggestions on how to cope with my poor mom and her grief without a full-blown panic attack? I have tried to tell her that I don't believe it was Nicole's time to go and that I miss her and must grieve in my own way, but she actually argues with me! I feel bad for not being able to console my mother, but I am barely functioning right now and tired to the very core of my being.Thank you for listening.Anni Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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