Members Dian Posted June 22, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 I lost my husband a month ago at the young age of 50 due to a sudden heart attack , right in front of me. We have been together for 27 years. He was my best friend , and I am lost, scared, and am now suffering panic attacks. I feel like I am unable to function and will never feel any happiness again. How do you get through this and does the pain get easier? Thank you in advance as I sure could use some advice . Best, Diane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4Hdad Posted June 22, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. Let me assure you that you are not alone, and that you've found the right place to talk about your loss. When I came here ten months ago under similar circumstances, I found that the people on this forum understood exactly where I was, having been there themselves. You are not alone, Diane. One month after losing my wife, I was still in shock. Everybody's experience seems to follow their own personal timeline, and while we all seem to go through the same or very similar process, we won't all do it at the same pace. I didn't know what to expect after I found my wife. I didn't know if or when things would get better or return to normal, or even if there was going to be anything 'normal' in my life ever again. What I found, though, was that these are feelings that are very common among those of us who've joined this unlucky group.You will find some of the most understanding and supportive people here, folks who can help to guide you through this very difficult time, because they truly understand what you're going through. Sometimes we may need advice, sometimes we may need to vent, sometimes we just need someone to understand where we are and what we are feeling at this very moment - all of this you will find here. Does it get easier? For me, it has. With time came a deeper understanding of life and loss. But, everyone's circumstances are unique, and the things we use to cope, the things that work for each of us, can be very different as well. Please stick around, Diane, and I can guarantee you will find some comfort among the folks on this forum. Hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted June 22, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 23 minutes ago, Dian said: I lost my husband a month ago at the young age of 50 due to a sudden heart attack , right in front of me. We have been together for 27 years. He was my best friend , and I am lost, scared, and am now suffering panic attacks. I feel like I am unable to function and will never feel any happiness again. How do you get through this and does the pain get easier? Thank you in advance as I sure could use some advice . Best, Diane I am so sorry for your loss and know exactly what you are experiencing. How your story mimic mine in many ways. My Charles also died of an unexpected heart attack, right in front of me and our son. We were inseparable, best friends, married for 45 years and loved each other so much. Before I met my Charles, I never knew what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason - just because. He taught me so much and I will be forever grateful. My biggest honor was being his wife and for making me the mother of his children; and when I look at them, I see the love we shared in human form. I am so happy he left this world knowing he was loved and loved. My mind knows he is in a better place, where there is no pain; he is at peace and I understand that - I just wish I can explain that to my heart. I'm so glad you found this website and shared your story. Sometimes our stories of grief and how much we are suffering are usually painful and they are not always easy to tell. So we don't. We bottle them up, push them down, and close up shop. And our pain sits, sometimes for decades. We unfortunately miss the opportunity to really understand the event or series of events that are responsible for breaking our hearts and leading us to healing. Of course you're lost, scared and confuse; why wouldn't you be - you've just lost half of yourself. Some words are no longer in my vocabulary and I don't associate them with my days now; words like, *happy*, *excited*, *looking forward to*, *upbeat*, *good*. If I can get an *OK* day, or *I got through this day* day, then I'm alright. I don't think you ever get through it - you learn to live with it. Know that you are not alone; no matter how hopeless you feel about your situation - we all on this forum have been there, experiencing the same emotions. When you think or your mind tells you, you are all alone, it is trying to sell you a lie. Your hardest part of healing maybe recovering the *YOU* that died with him. Continue to post here; we are family and what does family to best - is be there for one another. Stay Strong and God Bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dian Posted June 22, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It helps knowing that I am not alone. I am truly appreciative that you took the time to find words of comfort for me. I am glad to have found this site as I need the support of others who truly know what I am going through. This is the hardest thing/felt in my entire life. Thank you, Diane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dian Posted June 22, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 1 hour ago, 4Hdad said: Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. Let me assure you that you are not alone, and that you've found the right place to talk about your loss. When I came here ten months ago under similar circumstances, I found that the people on this forum understood exactly where I was, having been there themselves. You are not alone, Diane. One month after losing my wife, I was still in shock. Everybody's experience seems to follow their own personal timeline, and while we all seem to go through the same or very similar process, we won't all do it at the same pace. I didn't know what to expect after I found my wife. I didn't know if or when things would get better or return to normal, or even if there was going to be anything 'normal' in my life ever again. What I found, though, was that these are feelings that are very common among those of us who've joined this unlucky group.You will find some of the most understanding and supportive people here, folks who can help to guide you through this very difficult time, because they truly understand what you're going through. Sometimes we may need advice, sometimes we may need to vent, sometimes we just need someone to understand where we are and what we are feeling at this very moment - all of this you will find here. Does it get easier? For me, it has. With time came a deeper understanding of life and loss. But, everyone's circumstances are unique, and the things we use to cope, the things that work for each of us, can be very different as well. Please stick around, Diane, and I can guarantee you will find some comfort among the folks on this forum. Hugs to you. Thank you so much it is comforting knowing I am not alone. I am sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for finding the time to reply , as,I really needed someone who truly understands. It is so hard to function at this point but knowing you are succeeding at finding g some peace fills me with hope. Thank you so much Diane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Autocharge Posted June 23, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 23, 2017 Dian, Andy and I have very good threads with lots of topics. In one of these topics I posted about helping “newcomers”. “ Newcomers please see "Table of contents" attachment and then word search this forum.” Word searching can help you find answers. I’m never happy to see newcomers post to this forum for the “Loss” is always sad. You're not alone and If you need any help just Msg me. Autocharge (moving forward "new normal") Postingpage.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 23, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 23, 2017 Dian, I am so sorry for your loss. Twelve years ago I lost the sweetest man that ever lived, my soulmate and best friend, my husband. It was a heart attack, he'd just had his 51st birthday five days earlier. He left this world on Father's Day. You ask how you get through this, I want to share this article I wrote as a response to someone else asking the same question... TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted June 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 24, 2017 Dian, You will never be alone on this forum. We all *get it* and understand your emotions, feelings and thoughts. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your soulmate. I lost my husband by sudden cardiac arrest. We had 25 beautiful years together and now I often wonder how those years went by seemingly so quickly and now the days drag so painfully and lonely. I hope you find the comfort, understanding, that you need here. It is not easy finding that solace from the ones who are in our lives, via family and friends. Only by those who have experienced the same loss of soulmate truly understand and know the pain, the aloneness.The complete destruction of our life as we knew it. Our grieving journey does evolve. It is, what I consider to be, a life long process. Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Self care is so critical for the body and mind to cope through your journey. Grieving is a physical, emotional and mental process which leaves you overwhelmed and exhausted. Take care of your needs the best you can and go with the flow of emotions. Don't hold it all in to appear strong to others. Trust me, that doesn't work. The build up does come exploding out when you are not expecting it. Sending prayers of comfort and peace---(HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dian Posted June 24, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted June 24, 2017 On 6/22/2017 at 6:10 PM, 4Hdad said: Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. Let me assure you that you are not alone, and that you've found the right place to talk about your loss. When I came here ten months ago under similar circumstances, I found that the people on this forum understood exactly where I was, having been there themselves. You are not alone, Diane. One month after losing my wife, I was still in shock. Everybody's experience seems to follow their own personal timeline, and while we all seem to go through the same or very similar process, we won't all do it at the same pace. I didn't know what to expect after I found my wife. I didn't know if or when things would get better or return to normal, or even if there was going to be anything 'normal' in my life ever again. What I found, though, was that these are feelings that are very common among those of us who've joined this unlucky group.You will find some of the most understanding and supportive people here, folks who can help to guide you through this very difficult time, because they truly understand what you're going through. Sometimes we may need advice, sometimes we may need to vent, sometimes we just need someone to understand where we are and what we are feeling at this very moment - all of this you will find here. Does it get easier? For me, it has. With time came a deeper understanding of life and loss. But, everyone's circumstances are unique, and the things we use to cope, the things that work for each of us, can be very different as well. Please stick around, Diane, and I can guarantee you will find some comfort among the folks on this forum. Hugs to you. Thank you so much it is comforting knowing I am not alone. I am sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for finding the time to reply , as,I really needed someone who truly understands. It is so hard to function at this point but knowing you are succeeding at finding g some peace fills me with hope. Thank you so much Diane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 25, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 25, 2017 That is my desire, that everyone here should see that glimmer of hope on down the road... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dian Posted June 25, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted June 25, 2017 Thank you all for the support! It means a lot . I'm feel so lost and hopeless. Does the pain lessen with time? I see people smiling and happy and feel like I will never feel that way again. I just go through the motions of each day and feel nothing but despair.I am so tired of crying and feeling sick inside. I feel guilty, I should of known and made him go to the doctors. My 21year old son lives with me and I feel like I am putting g to much weight on him. It is hard to talk or ask for help from friends, so thank you for responding it means a lot to know you all get it. Diane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 25, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 25, 2017 It's been 12 years for me, yes I'd say the pain lessens in time, although how long it takes I can't say because we're all individual. It takes a good long while, I can tell you that. In the early days I didn't see how I could live without him, let alone live with the pain, OMG there's no way to even describe how I felt, frantic, anxiety attacks, needing to talk to someone but everyone disappeared on me, scared, to say I felt cut adrift is an understatement. George was everything to me, my heart and soul! We were best friends, soulmates, so in love! I still miss him each and every day, I still talk to him, he's in my thoughts constantly. But the pain...it is a combination of it lessening and our getting more used to it, adjusting, learning how to cope. We do survive this, we do learn to live alone...it's much different than living alone when we were young, before we met them, because now we KNOW what we are missing, we got used to having the best of all worlds and it's yanked away now. We aren't the same person we were before we met them, so neither can we be. It's as if we have to reinvent ourselves somehow. We are not the same person as we were when we were with them either. You may FEEL guilty but you are NOT guilty. I had those same feelings, but in reality, the outcome could have been the same. I know we want to rewrite the ending, but we can't, it's beyond our control. We didn't know, they didn't know. Keep coming here, you can talk to us here. We get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted June 25, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 25, 2017 Dian, It has been 10 1/2 months since I have lost my husband. I still feel lost and hopeless. Life changes so drastically after our loss. It is overwhelming and I've learned the hard way to take things one at a time, one day at a time.The important priorities, in the beginning, I dealt with the best I could at the time. I had total brain fog and still don't know how I pulled it off. I don't worry about the few things I would probably have handled differently at this time.What is done, is done and I have to be at ease that I did my best back then .My thinking has become a little clearer now. Time does have a way of evolving this process of survival. Time does lessen the intensity of our pain. The pain will always be there but we learn to adapt to carrying it with us. KayC has been here the longest and I am thankful to her for staying here and being the earth angel she is. This forum has become my life line and a large part of my support, comfort, hanging in there, is due to her. We can't turn back the calendar as much as we keep wishing we could. This is our life, the cards we were dealt, and we have to cope the best we can with that hand of cards we were given. It hurts. The raw pain of loss hurts so very much. We will get through this new journey together. I'm glad you have your son living with you. You will have each others support and love. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 26, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 26, 2017 I had someone ask me on Friday why I don't consider finding another husband. I shared with her just a wee bit of what I'd been through. My answer, honestly, because there isn't another George. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cp9042 Posted June 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 26, 2017 On 6/22/2017 at 4:32 PM, Dian said: I lost my husband a month ago at the young age of 50 due to a sudden heart attack , right in front of me. We have been together for 27 years. He was my best friend , and I am lost, scared, and am now suffering panic attacks. I feel like I am unable to function and will never feel any happiness again. How do you get through this and does the pain get easier? Thank you in advance as I sure could use some advice . Best, Diane I lost my husband to cancer in February. I suffer panic attacks as well. I think it is fear of doing something without your spouse. My husband used to do just about everything for me, and we pretty much isolated ourselves from others. We have family and a couple of really good friends, but they do not understand now what I am going through. People will try to comfort you and give you advice. But the best thing I can say is take one day at a time, one hour at a time. All I did for a month was get up, feed my cat, cry and try to make it through. I am back to work now, and it is easier, but every time you have to talk about it, it aches inside. No one can tell you how to deal with your grief, and believe me, you will never get "over" it. Take your time, find things that bring you a bit of joy if you can. I watch tv as an escape. It helps for the moment. God Bless you Diane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted June 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 26, 2017 5 hours ago, KayC said: I had someone ask me on Friday why I don't consider finding another husband. I shared with her just a wee bit of what I'd been through. My answer, honestly, because there isn't another George. I can relate. A couple of people have remarked that I'm *only* 58, still young enough to be dating and finding another relationship. I don't want or need another relationship. Just like there will never be another George for you, there will never be another Ed for me. I feel like I have aged 20 years in these 10 months. Why do people think we all need to be pigeon holed into couple relationships? Even in my young, single years, I was not one to flit from one relationship to another. I had my beautiful, couple relationship and I would rather stay alone and single as long as my Ed cannot be here. Death has parted us physically, but in my heart, I am still spiritually bonded to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted June 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 26, 2017 5 hours ago, cp9042 said: I lost my husband to cancer in February. I suffer panic attacks as well. I think it is fear of doing something without your spouse. My husband used to do just about everything for me, and we pretty much isolated ourselves from others. We have family and a couple of really good friends, but they do not understand now what I am going through. People will try to comfort you and give you advice. But the best thing I can say is take one day at a time, one hour at a time. All I did for a month was get up, feed my cat, cry and try to make it through. I am back to work now, and it is easier, but every time you have to talk about it, it aches inside. No one can tell you how to deal with your grief, and believe me, you will never get "over" it. Take your time, find things that bring you a bit of joy if you can. I watch tv as an escape. It helps for the moment. God Bless you Diane. THAT is perhaps the saddest and most isolating fact of our collective reality. I wish people would understand what we truly feel every day but at the same time I don't want anyone else to join our sad club. It breaks my heart every time I see a new poster on the forum because I know the heartbreak and despair and none of us would wish it on our worst enemy. One of my close friends(couple who Lori and I were close to) who I am able to open up to was discussing how he had a breakdown over Lori last week while on a family trip. I let him vent and just told him that just like he can't know my true pain of losing a spouse, I can't truly know his pain because I have never lost a close friend like he has with Lori. His eyes got wide and he just said "Thank you. Nobody has said that to me and you're right." He had heard all of the platitudes from family about losing Lori but never had anyone be frank with him about sympathy vs empathy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 27, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 27, 2017 21 hours ago, KMB said: Death has parted us physically, but in my heart, I am still spiritually bonded to him. Exactly! Eagle, I've never heard anyone extend empathy in that way before, most get upset thinking the other person's loss is not as great and how dare they act like they're grieving when they haven't lost a spouse! We can and do grieve all of our losses/relationships. It is the love we share that bonds us, it is in having shared day by day life that hits us with all of those secondary losses that we are left grappling with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dian Posted July 8, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 8, 2017 I miss him so much, I can't remember what his voice sounded like. I am so tired but can't sleep. Tomorrow I am going to pick out his headstone, something I never thought I would be doing at the age of fifty. I always told him I wanted to die first because I can't do life without him, he was the strong one not me. I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life, I just want to be with him. Every day is horrible. I just feel sick inside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Artesia Posted July 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 8, 2017 16 minutes ago, Dian said: I miss him so much, I can't remember what his voice sounded like. I am so tired but can't sleep. Tomorrow I am going to pick out his headstone, something I never thought I would be doing at the age of fifty. I always told him I wanted to die first because I can't do life without him, he was the strong one not me. I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life, I just want to be with him. Every day is horrible. I just feel sick inside. Same here. A friend found a video of Tim making a speech.. it breaks me to watch it, but at least it is his voice. Tim had cancer, so his smell changed over the last few months - and I can't find anything that smells like him. Even his stinky shoes seem less stinky. I don't know how to do this either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted July 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 8, 2017 3 minutes ago, Dian said: I miss him so much, I can't remember what his voice sounded like. I am so tired but can't sleep. Tomorrow I am going to pick out his headstone, something I never thought I would be doing at the age of fifty. I always told him I wanted to die first because I can't do life without him, he was the strong one not me. I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life, I just want to be with I him. Every day is horrible. I just feel sick inside. I feel you. I miss my Charles so much; I'm still in awe that he's gone. Like you I ordered his gravestone (actually I ordered a duel stone for the both of us - so when my times comes, I'll be right next to him) and the cemetery laid it down. It's really strange to see his name on it - it's so unreal. It was my wish to go before my Charles and his wish was to go before me - he got his wish. I've had some *OK* days but this is not one of them. Not a good day at all. I feel as if I'm falling in a deep dark hole and there's nothing to grab onto to break my fall. My Charles was also the strong person who always was there to pick me up if I fell; knew the right words to say when I needed to hear them, and the right thing to do at the right time. He made me feel safe no matter what. Not only do I feel sick, I feel empty and so very very lonely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 8, 2017 Francine, Like myself, you are not having an *ok* night either. No night is ok. No words to describe certain feelings or days and nights. You and I have the same thoughts. We feel that our hubby's were the strong ones. Apparently, God thinks the opposite. God is always right, so therefore, we are left with no choice but to prove His faith in us and survive these lonely days and nights. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 8, 2017 Nights are always the worst part of the day -at least for me-. I was on facebook and saw a photo of him and it hit me like a rock. Part of me doesn't accept yet the fact that he is gone, sometimes it feels like he is away but not death, and when I start thinking about the reality it feels like there is nothing more for me in here, I am tired and I feel it is unfair life take him away and leave me here, like a punishment or a mistake... Im tired and I just want to fall sleep and never wake up again, I dont feel strong enough to go through my whole life without him carrying all this sadness and numbness. I am so sad atm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 8, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 8, 2017 14 hours ago, Dian said: I can't remember what his voice sounded like. More than likely grief fog and lack of sleep. I'm sure the memory of his voice will return to you. 10 hours ago, Ka9219 said: I dont feel strong enough to go through my whole life without him carrying all this sadness and numbness. We can't think about our whole life, just take a day at a time, that's enough to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 On 7/7/2017 at 9:51 PM, KMB said: We feel that our hubby's were the strong ones. Apparently, God thinks the opposite. God is always right, so therefore, we are left with no choice but to prove His faith in us and survive these lonely days and nights. Strange how you feel others have that God-given strength but not yourself. You are sooooooooooooo right - God is always right. I believe HE makes us brave when we're afraid, makes us strong when we're weak, but most of all, HE teaches us to hold on to HIM when things keep falling apart by placing people in our lives when we need them. Thanks for having my back and always bringing me back when I'm floating out there in space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 On 7/7/2017 at 8:20 PM, Francine said: I feel you. I miss my Charles so much; I'm still in awe that he's gone. Like you I ordered his gravestone (actually I ordered a duel stone for the both of us - so when my times comes, I'll be right next to him) and the cemetery laid it down. It's really strange to see his name on it - it's so unreal. It was my wish to go before my Charles and his wish was to go before me - he got his wish. I've had some *OK* days but this is not one of them. Not a good day at all. I feel as if I'm falling in a deep dark hole and there's nothing to grab onto to break my fall. My Charles was also the strong person who always was there to pick me up if I fell; knew the right words to say when I needed to hear them, and the right thing to do at the right time. He made me feel safe no matter what. Not only do I feel sick, I feel empty and so very very lonely. I always had it settled in my mind, heart, or wherever you store those thoughts that I wanted Lori to go before me. I never wanted her to endure the pain and agony of losing a spouse. Boy oh boy, I never knew what I was getting into as God was indeed listening to my prayers so many years ago. Even with the knowledge of the pain I now endure and as hard as this new life is I wouldn't change it for anything as I would never want Lori in this position. I gladly take the pain so she doesn't have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lulu Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said: I always had it settled in my mind, heart, or wherever you store those thoughts that I wanted Lori to go before me. I never wanted her to endure the pain and agony of losing a spouse. Boy oh boy, I never knew what I was getting into as God was indeed listening to my prayers so many years ago. Even with the knowledge of the pain I now endure and as hard as this new life is I wouldn't change it for anything as I would never want Lori in this position. I gladly take the pain so she doesn't have to. I never thought about one of us losing the other, and now that it has happened, I do wonder if it would have been better for her not to have gone before me. She was a very sensitive person and I know it would have been devastating for her but she was closer to her family so at least she would have some type of support system, but I do wonder how supportive they would have been not knowing our true relationship and I know she would not have shared the details even then. I know financially she would have struggled so maybe it is better I remained instead. I am very sensitive and emotional and don't have much of a support system, but at least, I don't have to worry too much about how to pay the mortgage and other bills. It's been trying but I've been getting by. I just miss her so much even though I am coming to accept that she is better in Heaven. I truly believe that but it doesn't make the sadness and loneliness any easier for me without her physical presence in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 37 minutes ago, Lulu said: I just miss her so much even though I am coming to accept that she is better in Heaven. I truly believe that but it doesn't make the sadness and loneliness any easier for me without her physical presence in my life. Lulu, It is by far from easy accepting your Lily and my Ed as living in a different plane of existence. I work very hard at consoling myself that Heaven is a beautiful, glorious life, free from the pain and hardships that life here doles out. They deserve that beautiful life after what they endured here with the suffering and pain before their physical body gave out. God will call us all home in His perfect timing. Our reunions with our loved ones will be so worth what we are going through now. Our ultimate reward for fulfilling God's plans. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said: I never wanted her to endure the pain and agony of losing a spouse. I truly see your point; and yes, I would never have wanted my Charles to endure such misery and suffering. 3 hours ago, KMB said: Heaven is a beautiful, glorious life, free from the pain and hardships that life here doles out. They deserve that beautiful life after what they endured here with the suffering and pain before their physical body gave out. God will call us all home in His perfect timing. Our reunions with our loved ones will be so worth what we are going through now. Our ultimate reward for fulfilling God's plans. KMB - your words are so uplifting and comforting and I agree - they do deserve that beautiful life even if that means us suffering on this earth a while longer. I question whether or not my Charles could have lasted too long had I gone first. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't think so. We know we all must someday die; the goal isn't to live forever, I think the goal is to try to create something that will. My Charles created a love that is endless, eternal and bountiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted July 11, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 2 hours ago, Francine said: I truly see your point; and yes, I would never have wanted my Charles to endure such misery and suffering. For me, it is the last act of love I can give to Lori. To take the pain and despair of loss so that she doesn't have to. I would do anything in the world for Lori. Including this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 11, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 7 hours ago, KMB said: Lulu, It is by far from easy accepting your Lily and my Ed as living in a different plane of existence. I work very hard at consoling myself that Heaven is a beautiful, glorious life, free from the pain and hardships that life here doles out. They deserve that beautiful life after what they endured here with the suffering and pain before their physical body gave out. God will call us all home in His perfect timing. Our reunions with our loved ones will be so worth what we are going through now. Our ultimate reward for fulfilling God's plans. (HUGS) You are lucky, when Mario passed away I didn't know where he went because I don't believe in heaven, when you have "something" to hold on to in this situation it might bring up some sort of consolation (maybe), when I talked with my mother in law she told me she knew Mario was in heaven, and some relatives dreamed with Mario, he told them he was happy in heaven, all of them are strongly religious... I found some peace thinking in his soul, he was kind and so loved, I know his soul is in peace and full of light... Sometimes I found myself thinking that it was better he went away first, losing a brother, a friend or relative would destroy Mario totally... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dian Posted July 21, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 21, 2017 Every day seems so pointless without him. I feel like I will never be happy again. I go to work ,mow the lawn , clean the house but none of it matters. I have no desire to do anything , I am just existing. I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. I'm trying to wrap my head around that this is my existence from now on. I have people who care for me but it's not the same. I feel lost and empty and nothing matters anymore. I wish it was me who died, not him. When he died he took me with him, I am just a shell. Just feeling sorry for my self I guess. I cant express this to anyone or I get the lectures . I told one friend when I think of him passing I feel so sick, her reply was then just don't think of him! Don't we all wish it was that easy. People just don't get it. I wish i could be positive but i just don't have the energy. Thank you all for being there for me , you are the only people who understand and do not judge me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 21, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 21, 2017 Dian, I truly commiserate with you. I felt like you in the beginning, and now, a month away from the one year mark, I still feel that way. I clean, do the mowing, all the usual chores and business of surviving, but it is all done on autopilot. Just things to fill up the day. No joy or meaning to anything. I don't know if this way of existing will change or not. I just take it day by day and keep the faith and hope going as well as I can. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 21, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 21, 2017 It is hard to break through that "nothing matters" feeling. I think it's always with us to some extent, but as you go further on your journey, you will find some things that matter. For me it's my dog and cat, my grandkids, my kids, although I don't see my kids and grandkids much and don't have much contact with them. It's mostly my dog, I live for him, I dread the day when... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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