Members Ka9219 Posted June 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 Hello guys, I want to share with you what have been the lost of my boyfriend the last week As a quick view of our history we meet last year and since we meet we started dating, people could say It was so fast but we didnt care because we both felt we had found our soulmate, we both had really bad expirences from past relationships and we felt we were made to care of each other and make us happy. He is 26 years old and I'm 25, last week (on monday) we were texting and he just stopped sending text msgs and I waited like two hours and opened my facebook and saw in the news he had an accident, by that time my world break down to my feet, I called his brother and he told me he was at the hospital and it was bad, I run to the hospital and then they told me he needed RPC and he can not breath by himself, he made trough friday and finally died. Now, one week later I dont know what to do, how to feel, because he was my best friend, I cant barely believe this is happening to me, we wanted to get married, start a life together, he made me feel loved, and he filled my life of joy and happines, and now he is gone, my partner in life is dead And so much people get close to say to me: dont worry you are young and you will find another men, and it drives me so mad, people dont understand the love we had for each other. Im lost, a part of me died with him and I dont know how I can make it after this. Thank you for reading Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members M88 Posted June 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 Ka, I am very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. I can't imagine how traumatic it must have been for you to learn of your boyfriends accident in such a manner. To my horror my late partners family on the other side of the world learnt about his terrible, violent death via another family members facebook page. My partner would have detested that as much as I did. My darling man was killed as he walked on a footpath in January last year. Sudden, traumatic death like this is very painful and difficult for the partner left behind. It leaves our brains, bodies and souls very battered and bruised for a very long time as we attempt to come to understand it. You will be in shock for some time to come and it's a good idea to have specialised grief counselling as soon as you can. Grief is a rocky, twisted road, riddled with potholes. Emotions can change in the blink of an eyelid. Try to live just in the day you have and not think of the future. Just enduring that day will be tough enough going. When things get real bad, live from hour to hour if need be. I was a clock watcher - still am some days. I miss my hubby with every fibre of my being. We need a massive amount of love and support from our families and good friends. Allow them to take care of you for as long as you need them. Most people don't know what to say to comfort us and some do say silly things that we may find offensive. The need for people to say something, anything, is human nature, it is wired into our being. I'm sure they mean well but it's a sad fact that it is the silliest words that we will remember. I don't know of any words that could have comforted me at the time of my partners death, but friends and family members arms around me spoke volumes and are remembered. If the same people keep saying silly things that's a different kettle of fish - I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue. Don't they realize you only want the man you've just buried. Know that we here understand your loss, your emotions and your needs. I hope you too will feel the compassion, love and support that binds our big 'grief family' here, together. Sending you strength, love and lots of hugs, Ka. Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted June 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 7 hours ago, Ka9219 said: Hello guys, I want to share with you what have been the lost of my boyfriend the last week As a quick view of our history we meet last year and since we meet we started dating, people could say It was so fast but we didnt care because we both felt we had found our soulmate, we both had really bad expirences from past relationships and we felt we were made to care of each other and make us happy. He is 26 years old and I'm 25, last week (on monday) we were texting and he just stopped sending text msgs and I waited like two hours and opened my facebook and saw in the news he had an accident, by that time my world break down to my feet, I called his brother and he told me he was at the hospital and it was bad, I run to the hospital and then they told me he needed RPC and he can not breath by himself, he made trough friday and finally died. Now, one week later I dont know what to do, how to feel, because he was my best friend, I cant barely believe this is happening to me, we wanted to get married, start a life together, he made me feel loved, and he filled my life of joy and happines, and now he is gone, my partner in life is dead And so much people get close to say to me: dont worry you are young and you will find another men, and it drives me so mad, people dont understand the love we had for each other. Im lost, a part of me died with him and I dont know how I can make it after this. Thank you for reading I am sorry you are here but glad you found us. Nobody can prepare us for this type of loss but we are here to help guide you on this path you now walk. Like M88 said. People can say things that they think are helpful and 99% of them mean well. It's just that until they go through something like this, they simply don't know what it's like and say things they may have heard that they think are beneficial to you. Cliches and platitudes rarely help us but people use them anyway with the best of intentions. Sudden death is quite a shock as there is no time to prepare(as if any amount of preparation is sufficient). My wife died suddenly 9 weeks ago and I feel like I am just now coming out of the numbness that I was in at first. The numbness or fog you are in is your body helping to get you through this initial shock. The reality sinks in more and more each day for me. It's ok to cry. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to have regret. These are natural feelings right now. Just remember that when you feel overwhelmed that you only have to get through today. And when you wake up tomorrow, you do it all over again. I am not saying it is easy because it isn't. You'll find that I try not to sugarcoat things. I will be honest and upfront about the road you now walk. I found the honesty I received when I came to this site helped me navigate my path better. I hope it serves you well also. I wish you nothing but peace and comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 5, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 I am so sorry for your loss, you've already received some good responses here. You won't hear us saying inappropriate cliches, we've been through it and we get it. Like Eagle said, take one day at a time, that's all we can handle, try not to think about your future, the Bible says "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34 and I've found that to be true, thinking in future terms invites anxiety. I've found it helps to express yourself and know you are heard, and this is a good safe place to do that. I remember feeling my power had been destroyed when I lost my husband, but posting restores some of that power as it validates your feelings. Being on this grief journey, it helps to know you are not alone in it, there is plenty of company here and we'll be here for you if you want us to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted June 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 Ka9219, I responded to you on another thread you were on. You are in compassionate company here. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted June 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 On 6/5/2017 at 0:39 AM, Ka9219 said: Hello guys, I want to share with you what have been the lost of my boyfriend the last week As a quick view of our history we meet last year and since we meet we started dating, people could say It was so fast but we didnt care because we both felt we had found our soulmate, we both had really bad expirences from past relationships and we felt we were made to care of each other and make us happy. He is 26 years old and I'm 25, last week (on monday) we were texting and he just stopped sending text msgs and I waited like two hours and opened my facebook and saw in the news he had an accident, by that time my world break down to my feet, I called his brother and he told me he was at the hospital and it was bad, I run to the hospital and then they told me he needed RPC and he can not breath by himself, he made trough friday and finally died. Now, one week later I dont know what to do, how to feel, because he was my best friend, I cant barely believe this is happening to me, we wanted to get married, start a life together, he made me feel loved, and he filled my life of joy and happines, and now he is gone, my partner in life is dead And so much people get close to say to me: dont worry you are young and you will find another men, and it drives me so mad, people dont understand the love we had for each other. Im lost, a part of me died with him and I dont know how I can make it after this. I am so sorry for you sweetheart. You both were so young with hopes and dreams - you only just begun to live. I know too well the pain you are experiencing now. That pain that has your entire body hurting; your heart aches so much, you find it difficult to breath; you can't even speak; you don't cry; you don't hear; you don't see; you're just there and for a second, your heart dies. That pain that has your mind fixed on it; you are numb; almost zombie-like; in shock; not knowing what is real and what isn't; your world seems like it just ended; Words hurt more than action. It's OK and understandable for your heart to feel heavy; it's OK to sit and catch your breath; it' OK to wonder how you're gonna survive this mess; it's just normal to feel lost; it's normal to miss him like crazy. It's OK to have a meltdown; it's OK to not be OK; It's OK to not have all the answers yet; It's OK to fall and lose your spark; just make sure when you get up, you rise as the whole fire. It's just fine to let it all hit you, breakdown if you must and just succumb to all your emotions. I think our grief never truly ends; it may become softer over time, more gentle, and some days will feel sharp. It's almost like a fog; some days the heavy fog may return, and the next day, it may recede, once again. It is a decay and flow, a constant dance of sorrow and joy; pain and sweet love. Remember that grief has no rules, no timetable and that it will in many ways last as long as love does. Forever. Don't let what others think upset you. Words are just that - words; until you give them the power to affect you. It's natural to think of yourself as half of a person; but he would have wanted you to go on - and you must. You'll be fine; feeling unsure and lost is part of your journey. Don't avoid it; see what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a deep breath; you'll be OK even if you don't feel OK now. It's unfortunate you have to be on this forum but because you are, I hope you continue to post. We are family here and what does family do best - support; encourage and uplift one another. Family isn't always about people in our lives who are blood kin, but people who accept us for who you we; support us in the things we choose to do; tell us things we may not want to hear, and no matter what, are always there for us. Now that's family. You are in my prayers. God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 26, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 Today -26th- is the second month since Mario passed away I am sorry for the long post but I need to be listened I couldn't feel worst. I am struggling every single second of my day, life is not getting easier, people already started to vanish, "friends" who said they will be there for me didn't answer anymore or just avoid talking to me, I understand that Mario's family are trying to keep going or taking their grieve into a deepest part of their lives, so is harder to my talk about Mario when I've needed. Here in my house, my parents are starting to get worried about my situation, my mum is always angry with me and since a few days she face me up and start telling me that I have to move on, that Mario is died and I have to move on because it happens, and I know Mario is dead, I was in the hospital when the doctors said he had brain death, I sat down for hours next to his coffin, I saw the car who took him to the crematory, and I touched his ashes and put him to rest into the sea, I KNOW Mario is dead, I know and I don't need that my mum says that to me like if I forget it.. My dad is telling me that I have to start "doing" things, but I don't feel strong enough, I may stand maybe one or two ours away from home but sometimes I need to lock the door and cry, I don't feel ready. In other hand, I am struggling against suicidal thoughts, everyday they grow stronger, and I am feeling desperate because I have nothing to hold on to... I try to remember the good times, reach some good memories with Mario but it only makes the "wound bleeds" and I feel worst. Few weeks ago I was filled with anger, I was moody all day but now I feel empty, my mind tries to avoid any kind of memory and most of the time I found myself thinking about nothing, or just doing random stuff but not feeling. At the beginning, I allowed myself to cry all I needed -3, 4, 5 hours if I needed to- now as soon as I start crying I pick up the phone and get into facebook or Instragram, like a "reflex" it's like I am not letting me feel nothing because the pain is to hard to carry with. And everything in my life reflects I am a mess, before Mario passed away I had to have everything "in order", I needed to be in control of my life, now I just don't care, my room is a mess, is dirty there is cloth and stuff all over the place and the floor, I am sleeping until 2 o 3pm, I eat if I feel hungry but I can spent and entire day just with some fruit and maybe a bar of chocolate, and I don't care. At this point I feel I am dead, because I don't care about nothing, I don't care if a live or die, I don't care about my future, I don't care about working or doing "something" with my life. And all this thoughts end up into one single option: killing myself, I don't want be miserable my entire life or what is left of it, I don't want my parents have to take care all their life of a super depressive daughter, I don't want to be a burden for anyone, not even myself, and I have found zero things to motivate me to keep going... Another thing that is driving me crazy is that I haven't had not a single "sign" from Mario, and I know this is silly, but I was an spiritual person, even if I always questioned about the existence of "god" I knew there was something bigger "out there" "up there", I meditated, I tried to do good things, and see the good in everything and everyone, I experienced some unexplained things -good ones- and I know we are not just blood and flesh, I believe in souls, and I believe in the power we have. And I've see that most people when lose someone have "signals" and I have none, it feels like Mario walked away from me, far far away, I feel forsaken by him and this is killing me. I've tried and I prayed every night, I don't know who I'm praying, but it is not listening, and I speak with Mario and told him that I love him more than ever, but all I feel is a hole growing bigger in my chest. Every night that goes by is making things harder... I am sorry if my grammar is a mess, English is my second language =( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 26, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 If you're struggling against suicidal thoughts, know that is common in early grief...also accept you might need some help. Call a suicide hotline, talk to a grief counselor, but I hope you don't feel you have to do this all alone. Try not to worry about the "signs", not everyone is open to them, it's not something everyone experiences, part of it is received on faith/hope. DO BELIEVE that your love continues still. When I was early in my grief I couldn't understand why other people got dreams of their spouse and I didn't. We were always together when we weren't working, we were so close, loved so deeply, we were soulmates, how come he wasn't in my dreams? It took a year or two before I got one and in it, it was like it was an ordinary day, and I remember getting mad at him and demanding to know where had he been! I woke up, upset with myself, that I messed up a visitation from him by being mad at him. That wasn't even like us! I didn't "get mad at him" before, why would I now? Dreams can be messed up. Try not to put too much stock by signs, dreams, whether you get them, whether you don't, how often. Bank on this: yours and his love remains. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 26, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 I know, is hard to understand that we still need something "to see" to feel we are not alone, I miss him badly =( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 Ka9219, I wish I could say something to ease your pain, but we all know that isn't possible. No one escapes from the pain, feelings and thoughts that grieving causes, and we each need to face it head on. Going to the dark place in your mind of suicidal thoughts is common, like Kay said. But please, do not stay there. Reach out to a grief counselor, a clergy person of your church, the suicide hotline, and us here. I, myself, was in that dark place plenty of times in the first several months. I still find myself there occasionally when the loneliness is getting the best of me or I am overwhelmed with dealing with life by myself. I recognize that feeling and do my best to stay away from there. Your parents are showing their concern for you. Your mom's anger is really directed towards herself. She probably feels helpless in that she feels she can do nothing to help you. Maybe try talking to her, letting her know you need someone to listen. Your parents still have each other , so they don't know what it is really like to lose a soulmate. Please, do not worry so much about signs. They will come along in their good timing. The intensity of grieving has a tendency to block out signs and dreams. Mario loved you before he left and he loves you still. He would wish for you to hold your chin up and do your life for him. You WILL be with him again someday. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 26, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 KMB I really appreciate your kind words. I know and I understand that we must go through this process, we can not skip any of this and I am afraid because I see myself walking into a big dark path, and I don't know how or when I'll find the way out, I try to spend time in here and with my sister to avoid this "bad thoughts" but at the end of the night, when I am all alone they grow stronger in my mind. I know they are worried about me and yes I'll try to talk to her, but is hard to handle my pain and her behavior, sometimes I would like to "run away" go as far as I can reach and try "start over" but I know it wont help, loneliness is our worst enemy, and yes, my dad lost his mum when he was a kid and his father almost 15 years ago and he still struggles with it. How do we know there is still love? Can we feel it? Maybe my mind is in so much pain I can't feel Mario's love, but I know I love him every day more and more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted July 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 Ka9219, This will be a journey so take it one day, or one hours at a time. I lost my wife almost 4-weeks ago and I've been feeling really bad. This week, I've started feeling a very low-grade sadness that I did not feel earlier. Just know that every day is different, and it is OK to feel the way that you do. I would encourage you to reach out to anyone that can help you. Sometimes we stick around "waiting" for others to extend help, even though they tell us they are there for us. If you want to talk to someone, just make sure that you initiate and tell them you want to talk. If your parents are not understand your grief, try reaching out to others that can help. Look at some free community services, hotlines, church, anything you can get your hands on. Just doing that work, for yourself, will help you gain some traction going through the next few days. Please feel free to continue to share your feelings with us here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 26, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 Thank you Azipod, this is the best source of support for me, a place where I know I wont be judged and all of you understand the process. I try to stay in touch with some close friends, and my sisters are always close so I feel their support. As well I went to a therapist but it is not working in the way I expected, maybe I wanted to came out of the first session without pain, and that is unrealistic, I think I have to be patient, with me and with the people around me. I am sorry about your wife is so sad to understand they are gone, and we have to go through this process and we don't want to. I think I am going to start writing a "diary" of thoughts and memories, it might help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 26, 2017 1 hour ago, Ka9219 said: How do we know there is still love? Can we feel it? Your heart will always love Mario and he will always love you. The love bond can never be broken. No one can take love and memories from us. That is a good idea to take up writing down your thoughts, feelings and memories. I write a letter to my husband every night. It has been a calming practice, therapeutic and I feel closer to my husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 27, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 I was thinking about texting Mario -by whatsapp- I know I wont get an answer but maybe it can help me. Or I don't know, could be worst for me. I'll try the notebook to see how it goes for me. And I'll try to feel more and think less, hesitation is not good for me right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 27, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 16 hours ago, KMB said: The intensity of grieving has a tendency to block out signs and dreams. Mario loved you before he left and he loves you still. Good point! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 27, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 14 hours ago, Ka9219 said: How do we know there is still love? Can we feel it? I guess I think logically. I KNOW I still love him, so that takes care of one side of it. Regarding his love, he loved me more than anything in the world and continually showed it, putting me first, why would he suddenly stop or change that just because he can't reach me? He wouldn't. Our love continues the same way it was built, on faith, believing and looking towards the day we'll be together again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 27, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 KayC, maybe seeing myself so young and looking at Mario so young and healthy, in my mind never happened the possibility one on us could be gone, I only thought about it one time and it was a dream, I dreamed we had a car accident and we both died -creepy dream- but I tried to blocked because I thought it wasn't a possibility in our lives. I never thought about "death", where do we go? what happens with the feelings and bonds? And now I am struggling to figure that out while dealing with the loss of the person I love the most. I know love is the only "thing" is capable to through any barrier: time, space, dimensions. So I hope the love a have towards Mario can reach him, and somehow -if he still remembers me- his love can reach me here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 1 hour ago, Ka9219 said: I know love is the only "thing" is capable to through any barrier: time, space, dimensions. So I hope the love a have towards Mario can reach him, and somehow -if he still remembers me- his love can reach me here. The love is always there, it can be felt by the spirit and heart. Mario is in Heaven, which is all around us, another dimension interwoven with earth. I read a book written by a medium who says that Heaven is 3 feet up from the ground. Our loved ones are always with us, can see us and hear us. I correlate that evidence with the NDE stories I have read where people who are having an NDE float above their physical bodies and can watch what is going on and see Heaven too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted July 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 I'm so very sorry for your pain and suffering and I know what you are experiencing - it's just awful. I can only imagine nothing seems to be going well and you feel even worst than better. You maybe unsure which pain is worst, the shock of what happened or the ache for which never will. Nobody has ever killed themselves over a broken arm, but thousands of people kill themselves because of a broken heart - why? - because emotional pain hurts much worst than physical pain. You have been seriously wounded, you hurt and the pain is unbearable - you don't know how you are surviving without Mario - its only normal when you love someone that much. But what I know is that we are not meant to stay wounded; we are supposed to move through our tragedies and challenges and the many painful episodes of our lives. If we remain stuck in the power of our wounds, we block our own transformation. We overlook the gifts inherent in our wounds and the strength to overcome them and the lessons we are meant to receive through them. When it comes to *friends*, I've learned we expect too much from them and some of them don't intentionally let us down, their best is just less than we expect. Don't blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting to much from them. Your parents mean well and want the best for you, but no one has the right to condemn you on how you repair your heart or how long you choose to grieve because no one knows how much you're hurting. I'm starting to think the only people who think there's a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart. Recovery takes time and everyone heals at his or her own pace so take all the time you need. Sometimes I get so sad, so sad that I completely shut down to the degree I might stare blankly into space and it doesn't matter what anyone says to me, because at that moment, I feel I don't exist. I know what grief does to us, it strips us bare, shows us all the things we don't want to know. The loss doesn't end; there isn't a moment where we are done, where we can neatly put it away and move one. It just doesn't happen. On 7/26/2017 at 3:41 AM, Ka9219 said: but I was an spiritual person, even if I always questioned about the existence of "god" I knew there was something bigger "out there" "up there", I meditated, I tried to do good things, and see the good in everything and everyone, I experienced some unexplained things -good ones- and I know we are not just blood and flesh, I believe in souls, and I believe in the power we have. And I've see that most people when lose someone have "signals" and I have none, it feels like Mario walked away from me, far far away, I feel forsaken by him and this is killing me. I've tried and I prayed every night, I don't know who I'm praying, but it is not listening, I am a stronger believer in faith and God. Never doubt the power of prayer. When we pray, God hears more than we say, answers more than we ask, gives more than we imagine - in HIS own time and HIS own way - not ours. Scripture tells us in Mark 11:24, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours". You will endure, even through you have known hardship and pain and have felt forsaken. But here you are, learning life's harsh lessons and still moving forward getting a little stronger each day. It may seem dark know, but the fog will lift and you will become more focused, but forever changed. You are in my prayers. Stay Strong because you are strong - much stronger than you realize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 1 hour ago, KMB said: The love is always there, it can be felt by the spirit and heart. Few years ago I was talking with a friend, he told me: love is human bond, I told him that I disagreed, for me, love is an emotion out of understanding, you cant explain it, we just can feel it, but grieving is taking all the room in my mind and in my heart that is hard to feel love and loved, right now all I want is loving Mario every day a little bit more, but sometimes I feel totally hopeless. Since Mario died my faith is broken, is hard to believe for me "there is something good out/up there". I just cry and hope my love is not worthless, I hope Mario can still feel it, and I hope that someday I will be able to feel Mario's love one more time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 1 hour ago, Francine said: I'm so very sorry for your pain and suffering and I know what you are experiencing - it's just awful. I can only imagine nothing seems to be going well and you feel even worst than better. You maybe unsure which pain is worst, the shock of what happened or the ache for which never will. Nobody has ever killed themselves over a broken arm, but thousands of people kill themselves because of a broken heart - why? - because emotional pain hurts much worst than physical pain. You have been seriously wounded, you hurt and the pain is unbearable - you don't know how you are surviving without Mario - its only normal when you love someone that much. But what I know is that we are not meant to stay wounded; we are supposed to move through our tragedies and challenges and the many painful episodes of our lives. If we remain stuck in the power of our wounds, we block our own transformation. We overlook the gifts inherent in our wounds and the strength to overcome them and the lessons we are meant to receive through them. When it comes to *friends*, I've learned we expect too much from them and some of them don't intentionally let us down, their best is just less than we expect. Don't blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting to much from them. Your parents mean well and want the best for you, but no one has the right to condemn you on how you repair your heart or how long you choose to grieve because no one knows how much you're hurting. I'm starting to think the only people who think there's a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart. Recovery takes time and everyone heals at his or her own pace so take all the time you need. Sometimes I get so sad, so sad that I completely shut down to the degree I might stare blankly into space and it doesn't matter what anyone says to me, because at that moment, I feel I don't exist. I know what grief does to us, it strips us bare, shows us all the things we don't want to know. The loss doesn't end; there isn't a moment where we are done, where we can neatly put it away and move one. It just doesn't happen. I am a stronger believer in faith and God. Never doubt the power of prayer. When we pray, God hears more than we say, answers more than we ask, gives more than we imagine - in HIS own time and HIS own way - not ours. Scripture tells us in Mark 11:24, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours". You will endure, even through you have known hardship and pain and have felt forsaken. But here you are, learning life's harsh lessons and still moving forward getting a little stronger each day. It may seem dark know, but the fog will lift and you will become more focused, but forever changed. You are in my prayers. Stay Strong because you are strong - much stronger than you realize. Your words are filled with wisdom, thank you <3 Now that you said it, right now my heart is aching for what happened, I try not to look forward in my life and maybe I am keeping my mind and my pain in the tragedy, imagine how scare he was at the time of the accident, thinking about that always breaks me. And yes, the pain is the biggest pain I ever felt and maybe, the biggest and will ever felt. I think we are in a vulnerable state, that's is why we expect more from people and it the disappointment is bigger when they are not there for us. I know my parents are worried but as everyone else, they can not understand the pain and the struggle. Maybe I am so deep into this "darkness" I am not able the signs happening, maybe they are not happening yet. Thank you for your kind words Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 31 minutes ago, Ka9219 said: I just cry and hope my love is not worthless, I feel for you so much. Love is NEVER worthless! We give and receive love here and love is the only emotion we carry with us to Heaven. Our spirit knows when it is our time to cross over. The spirit leaves the body before the body feels pain and expires, so the spirit is never touched by death. Spirit hangs around to watch what is happening to his/her physical shell and to watch over and try to comfort loved ones who may be near. So please, do not worry yourself over Mario's accident. His spirit was already out of body, watching what was happening and only his physical body suffered, Mario's essence did not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 14 minutes ago, KMB said: I feel for you so much. Love is NEVER worthless! We give and receive love here and love is the only emotion we carry with us to Heaven. Our spirit knows when it is our time to cross over. The spirit leaves the body before the body feels pain and expires, so the spirit is never touched by death. Spirit hangs around to watch what is happening to his/her physical shell and to watch over and try to comfort loved ones who may be near. So please, do not worry yourself over Mario's accident. His spirit was already out of body, watching what was happening and only his physical body suffered, Mario's essence did not. Omg, those are beautiful words! I never saw it that way, but it gives me a lot on consolation think, that my big sweet man -his soul- didn't go through the pain and desperation. Thank you, a part of me needed to listen that, to think the pain and all the awful feelings can not reach the pure essence of who we love. I wish I could hold him one last time, tell him that I will always love him and kiss him and feel him. I last hug is all I ever wanted. Thank you KMB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 34 minutes ago, Ka9219 said: I wish I could hold him one last time, tell him that I will always love him and kiss him and feel him. I last hug is all I ever wanted. Our loved ones already know these things. They know our thoughts when we think of them, hear us when we speak out loud. As spirits, they have the advantages that we do not. We have to wait for the hug, kiss and voice until we are reunited. A consolation, but one worth the pain and waiting for our eternal life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 I really appreciate your kind words, you don't hesitate about what you think and feel and that gives me the strength to believe and hope someday our love one will be waiting for us somewhere, in a place of light and joy. And we will have the security this time will be forever, and nothing and no one can take us apart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 My words to you are my own beliefs. I need these beliefs to keep myself going. I actually feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have some sort of belief system, in that this planet we live on is not the only existence here. The universe is vast and infinite. Our soul/spirit has to go on to another life from this one. I've done a lot of reading where it is said that we are just travelers in this world, part of our journey to eternal life. How does anyone suffering loss move forward without having any beliefs? I know that I could not do it. How does anyone live their life without believing in themselves or anything else? A person like that is just a walking robot, I would think. Sorry I rambled a little. My brain likes to analyze and question---- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 For me is difficult because my parents raised me under the Catholicism, but since I was little I wondered about the existence of all of this, when I reach enough each to questioned my believes I started to separated myself from the Christianity and started to adopt thoughts and believe from Buddhism, at that time I started to study Biotechnology, so in environment of scientists I found myself surrounded by a lot of skepticism, and so my thoughts and believes were in a moment of "transition", when Mario had the accident I just pray, to whatever who wanted to hear, begged to the universe and feel the faith in me, but when Mario died, all the faith and believes were crushed, and I felt desperate because I didn't know where Mario went, right now I am still struggling but your words gave me a lot of peace, thinking he is a place of dimension of peace, light and joy is what is important to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 29, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 I love all of the interaction and responses here, you guys are all just wonderful! It's common to have our faith shaken to the core in early grief, it can take a while for it to return. Working it all out is part of the process of grief. Lean towards what makes you comforted, not what agitates you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 3 hours ago, KayC said: Lean towards what makes you comforted, not what agitates you. Very good point to remember! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 29, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 Haven't happened to you that some day something that bring up peace to you, doesn't bring peace anymore the other day? For me there are some days than thinking he left first is better because he never had to go through the grieve and pain of losing someone, and I feel peace, but the other day I think about the same and it just makes me so angry because I think he had me as a support and I love him and he promised me so many things =( It is a constant process of adaptations, sometimes daily, sometimes every single hour of the day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 30, 2017 5 hours ago, Ka9219 said: some day something that bring up peace to you, doesn't bring peace anymore the other day? Goes to show how complicated emotions are to deal with. My days are like that also. On any given day, I feel that my husband is OK, and we are just temporarily separated and I will be OK. The next hour or the next day, I am crying and in agony because the separation has been too long and I want it to end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted July 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 30, 2017 1 hour ago, KMB said: Goes to show how complicated emotions are to deal with. My days are like that also. On any given day, I feel that my husband is OK, and we are just temporarily separated and I will be OK. The next hour or the next day, I am crying and in agony because the separation has been too long and I want it to end. Sometimes I ask myself what my wife would do if it was the reverse and I left this world before her. Knowing my wife, who treasured every day of her life, I know she would have worked her feelings through and will eventually find enough strength to move on while keeping me in her heart. For me, this is one of the positive thoughts I use to help me get through each day. I tell myself that if I follow my wife's footsteps, I will be OK. I truly believe in this because my wife is such an amazing woman. She always accomplishes her goals and I know she would have got through it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 30, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 30, 2017 6 hours ago, KMB said: Goes to show how complicated emotions are to deal with. My days are like that also. On any given day, I feel that my husband is OK, and we are just temporarily separated and I will be OK. The next hour or the next day, I am crying and in agony because the separation has been too long and I want it to end. Sometimes it happens within the same day, going up and down, up and down, I feel I'll become insane on of these days.... 4 hours ago, Azipod said: Sometimes I ask myself what my wife would do if it was the reverse and I left this world before her. Knowing my wife, who treasured every day of her life, I know she would have worked her feelings through and will eventually find enough strength to move on while keeping me in her heart. For me, this is one of the positive thoughts I use to help me get through each day. I tell myself that if I follow my wife's footsteps, I will be OK. I truly believe in this because my wife is such an amazing woman. She always accomplishes her goals and I know she would have got through it! Yees, I tried, but I rather not think about it because Mario went through a lot of when he was a teenager, the day he die I was with his family and his mum got into the room and started talking and she said: from a time to here, Mario began to have a "willing of live" he was happier and he wanted to achieve things, I never saw I happy as he was this last 6 or 7 months. That matched with the time we started our relationship. And he told me several times: before I met you, I just lived because I had to, I had no dreams, but you changed me, I am happier now than I ever was. Recalling all those things that maybe he couldn't handle "very well" a death, so it doesn't help me much, I am so sad today my heart is so broken... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 30, 2017 8 hours ago, Azipod said: She always accomplishes her goals and I know she would have got through it! My husband also! He was a productive person, always busy and accomplished whatever he set out to do. Some of those things were accomplished with us working together as a team. Part of the sting for me now is doing things alone. On the other hand, my husband accomplished things alone before he met me. If he could do those things before me, It gives me inspiration that I can do it alone now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 30, 2017 4 hours ago, Ka9219 said: I am so sad today my heart is so broken... I wish I could say something to ease your pain---- a tiny bit of consolation is that Mario chose YOU to spend the rest of his time with here. He was able to know love and happiness from YOU and he carried that with him to Heaven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 31, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 31, 2017 19 hours ago, KMB said: I wish I could say something to ease your pain---- a tiny bit of consolation is that Mario chose YOU to spend the rest of his time with here. He was able to know love and happiness from YOU and he carried that with him to Heaven. It is "funny" to remember he always said to me: "you are the love of my life", he tells that all the time, everyday, and I was like: "come on baby, we have allll our lives ahead, you still don't know that, tell me that when we are old and about to die". At the end, he was right, I was the love of his -short- life. He spent so much time telling me beautiful things.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 31, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 31, 2017 All of this discussion is good. KMB, I like your point about being able to go it alone because your husband had. KA9219, it's true that what brings you comfort one minute might change the next. All I can say is listen to your inner self and try to go with the flow and choose what brings you comfort. I can't tell you how many times I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on how it affected me, finally they were up to stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 31, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 31, 2017 What is worst for me are thoughts, thinking about his dead body and the days on the hospital are the memories that make me feel miserable, he didn't deserve that... Such a tragedy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted July 31, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 31, 2017 28 minutes ago, Ka9219 said: What is worst for me are thoughts, thinking about his dead body and the days on the hospital are the memories that make me feel miserable, he didn't deserve that... Such a tragedy... Those thoughts are really really hard. I'm sorry you see and think about that because it can come out of nowhere and is tough to deal with. I see the last few minutes with Lori when I found her on the bathroom floor. I go back to that moment. The fear. The helplessness. Her struggling to live. My world falling apart in front of my eyes. My CPR not being good enough. There are few moments in life when we are truly helpless. When we are at the complete mercy of someone else. That was one of those moments. There was nothing I could do. BUT I have to go on. I can't let the person she helped mold just waste away. She made me a better person and I have to use that as the motivation to go on. As hard as it is. I have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 31, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 31, 2017 1 hour ago, Ka9219 said: What is worst for me are thoughts, thinking about his dead body I went through the same, in those first few months. It is so hard to keep the images and thoughts out of our mind. We all wish to go peacefully in our sleep in very old age. Some people are fortunate to have that wish. Death is so unpredictable. For my kids sake, I too wish to go in my sleep. As time goes on, the horrible scenes and thoughts do fade. That is also when photos and memories start to bring good thoughts and a smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted July 31, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 31, 2017 For me, it's very sad for me to relive the moments of that horrible day. Thinking about it makes me cry. I'm not angry at my wife. But I wished she knew how much her leaving has devastated me and her family. She did not listen to her mother and go see a doctor (she had been ill for some time). We all think she underestimated her illness which turned out fatal. Last night, my mother in law, who happens to be very spiritual, told me that she doesn't think my wife will visit her anytime soon -- she truly believes that my wife feels ashamed, in that she did not listen to her, and ended up causing such a problem for everyone. A part of me agrees with her mom. I also don't think my wife will visit me anytime soon as well. I think it will be too difficult for her to see me. Others in the family have already felt her prescence every now and then, with some already having visitation dreams. I plan to reach out to a medium for some closure and hope. But I'm holding off on this for a few more weeks until I can get my feelings settled down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted August 1, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 10 hours ago, Azipod said: For me, it's very sad for me to relive the moments of that horrible day. Thinking about it makes me cry. I'm not angry at my wife. But I wished she knew how much her leaving has devastated me and her family. She did not listen to her mother and go see a doctor (she had been ill for some time). We all think she underestimated her illness which turned out fatal. Last night, my mother in law, who happens to be very spiritual, told me that she doesn't think my wife will visit her anytime soon -- she truly believes that my wife feels ashamed, in that she did not listen to her, and ended up causing such a problem for everyone. A part of me agrees with her mom. I also don't think my wife will visit me anytime soon as well. I think it will be too difficult for her to see me. Others in the family have already felt her prescence every now and then, with some already having visitation dreams. I plan to reach out to a medium for some closure and hope. But I'm holding off on this for a few more weeks until I can get my feelings settled down. Have you think that maybe she isn't visit you because are grieve is like a barrier? I think your wife didn't want to die, neither does Mario, maybe your wife didn't want to go to the hospital because she didn't want to worry you? Also woman are less susceptible to illness, we try to hide it hoping it fade away as soon as we get busy... Some friends of Mario and relatives have been dreaming with him, I haven't, and maybe because I am in so much pain that I can't "see" him or "listen" to him. I think we are beings of light, and we have "auras" that are mainly composed by the energy of chakras -I know it sounds crazy- our auras changed depending of our mental state, pain is like a "drainer" of energy, and that is the energy we need to connect between dimensions. I know this sounds like I am crazy, but this are thoughts and believes form Buddhism. If you are looking for a medium, is better is you know him or someone knows him, because if there know about your situation they wont trick you, the psychic I talked to was a friend of my family, almost like an uncle. I don't understand very well the difference between mediums and psychics, do you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted August 1, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 11 hours ago, KMB said: I went through the same, in those first few months. It is so hard to keep the images and thoughts out of our mind. We all wish to go peacefully in our sleep in very old age. Some people are fortunate to have that wish. Death is so unpredictable. For my kids sake, I too wish to go in my sleep. As time goes on, the horrible scenes and thoughts do fade. That is also when photos and memories start to bring good thoughts and a smile. I always have his photo next to the computer, sometimes it brings me peace and love, sometimes brings me tears. I think we should be prepared for death since we are kids, I think the main problem is that death is like a taboo, it happens, happens to all of us, but no one explain us about the process. Maybe as a culture thing we should teach ourselves that we should not seeing death as a unnatural thing. I am a Biologist and I understand death, BUT, from the books. As a social beings we will be facing death multiple times, and with Mario's dead I realized that dead bodies and coffins are an issue for me, mostly the coffins, I am terrified about them. I really hope this "pictures" in my mind of such a horrible things will totally disappear from my mind one day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted August 1, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 12 hours ago, Eagle-96 said: Those thoughts are really really hard. I'm sorry you see and think about that because it can come out of nowhere and is tough to deal with. I see the last few minutes with Lori when I found her on the bathroom floor. I go back to that moment. The fear. The helplessness. Her struggling to live. My world falling apart in front of my eyes. My CPR not being good enough. There are few moments in life when we are truly helpless. When we are at the complete mercy of someone else. That was one of those moments. There was nothing I could do. BUT I have to go on. I can't let the person she helped mold just waste away. She made me a better person and I have to use that as the motivation to go on. As hard as it is. I have to. I cant imagine the shock and the fear of performing CPR in a person we love. You were brave. I wasn't there when Mario had the accident because he needed more than 20 minutes to go back, in the end it didn't help. I think the main feel through that moments is fear. Is the worst fear I have ever felt. And yes we need to use them as motivation, to honor the with our lives, to be a reminder that they did good and all the kindness and good actions they left still remains in our lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted August 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 8 hours ago, Ka9219 said: I think we should be prepared for death since we are kids, I think the main problem is that death is like a taboo, it happens, happens to all of us, but no one explain us about the process. My first experience with death was when I was 5 and my father passed away. This was in 1964. I came home from kindergarten and my father was laying on the sofa. He smiled at me and my mother sent me outside. A short time later, I was sent to a neighbor. I remember seeing my father in the casket at the church. I didn't know anything that was going on.My mother would not talk about my father or explain anything to me. Maybe it was that generation she was raised in, that kept her from answering my questions. It wasn't until I was a teenager and worked up the courage to ask my mother about what had happened to my father. I did my grieving and processing then. It was easier because he had been gone for some years by then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted August 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 8 hours ago, Ka9219 said: I always have his photo next to the computer, sometimes it brings me peace and love, sometimes brings me tears. I think we should be prepared for death since we are kids, I think the main problem is that death is like a taboo, it happens, happens to all of us, but no one explain us about the process. Maybe as a culture thing we should teach ourselves that we should not seeing death as a unnatural thing. I am a Biologist and I understand death, BUT, from the books. As a social beings we will be facing death multiple times, and with Mario's dead I realized that dead bodies and coffins are an issue for me, mostly the coffins, I am terrified about them. I really hope this "pictures" in my mind of such a horrible things will totally disappear from my mind one day. You are so correct about not being taught about death. In my culture, it is generally bad luck to talk about death. To make things worst, I've never had someone pass in the family. I would have never imagined in a million years that the first family member to go would be my 39-year old wife. My dad is in his early 80s. My mother is in her 70s. We've never talked or planned for death. After this incident, both of my parents decided to buy their own burial plot, next to my wife. Death is inevitable, it is not fun to plan. But by not planning, it makes it so much harder for the surviving family members. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 1, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted August 1, 2017 On 7/31/2017 at 1:04 PM, Ka9219 said: What is worst for me are thoughts, thinking about his dead body and the days on the hospital are the memories that make me feel miserable, he didn't deserve that... Such a tragedy... I already posted this for someone else today, but don't know if you saw or read it, so I'll post it again on imagery to replace those haunting last images... http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/04/nightmares-and-bad-dreams-in-grief.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted August 2, 2017 14 hours ago, KMB said: My first experience with death was when I was 5 and my father passed away. This was in 1964. I came home from kindergarten and my father was laying on the sofa. He smiled at me and my mother sent me outside. A short time later, I was sent to a neighbor. I remember seeing my father in the casket at the church. I didn't know anything that was going on.My mother would not talk about my father or explain anything to me. Maybe it was that generation she was raised in, that kept her from answering my questions. It wasn't until I was a teenager and worked up the courage to ask my mother about what had happened to my father. I did my grieving and processing then. It was easier because he had been gone for some years by then. Mine was with my grandfather, he died when I was 10, I don't remember much about it, he was at the hospital for 7 days, all I remember is looking at him the hospital room, connected to the respirator, I was shocking, with at the same time I think, it somehow helped me to be "prepared", when I saw Mario with the respirator was not shocking for me, I could say I was more worried about other things. Yeah, maybe it is about generation, but also it depends on the person, most people don't talk about that, because, not thinking or speaking about it, is a way to deny the fact it happened, happens nowadays. It's said that time helps, I hope so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted August 2, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted August 2, 2017 14 hours ago, Azipod said: You are so correct about not being taught about death. In my culture, it is generally bad luck to talk about death. To make things worst, I've never had someone pass in the family. I would have never imagined in a million years that the first family member to go would be my 39-year old wife. My dad is in his early 80s. My mother is in her 70s. We've never talked or planned for death. After this incident, both of my parents decided to buy their own burial plot, next to my wife. Death is inevitable, it is not fun to plan. But by not planning, it makes it so much harder for the surviving family members. My dad loss his mother and father already, and my mother loss a lot of close friends, so it is common to hear about it in my family, they also were in the Red Cross so they talk about experiences and such a things, my mum since long time ago bought like an "insurance" of burial. I think we are never ready for this, we just hope our love one stay here forever with us... But as death is a natural process and tragedies happens we should be educated in order to make this easier or at least understand the process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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