Members Angiemmorris Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 19 years. It took me 5 years of counciling to give me the courage to leave. I finally got out and moved on with my life. I met the most wonderful man a year and a half ago. He was everything I had ever dreamed of and hoped for. He truly is the love of my life. He was killed in a terrible car accident on his way home from spring break with his son. He was an amazing father, son, brother and love. My children 14 and 17 loved him as a father. I am hurting more than I knew it was possible to hurt. I miss him with every breath and blink of my eye. We face timed the night before the accident and he said"I'll talk to you when you get up. I'll already be on the road." He was taken before I ever woke up the next morning. The accident happened at 5 am. I wish someone could take away the pain. My heart aches constantly for him and his boys. I love them and we are all suffering. I wish I had the opportunity to tell him I love him one more time and say goodbye. It was the last thing I saw coming and the hardest thing I've ever done. The verbally abbusive marriage and now this. I don't know why life is so hard. Sometime I wonder if its worth going on. I have my children and they keep me going. I just pray one day I will be able to stop hurting and breath again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 Dear Angie, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain is unbearable. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you. Thinking of you and your family at this very difficult time. With love and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angiemmorris Posted May 29, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 Thank you so much. I appreciate hearing from someone who understands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 4 minutes ago, Angiemmorris said: I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 19 years. It took me 5 years of counciling to give me the courage to leave. I finally got out and moved on with my life. I met the most wonderful man a year and a half ago. He was everything I had ever dreamed of and hoped for. He truly is the love of my life. He was killed in a terrible car accident on his way home from spring break with his son. He was an amazing father, son, brother and love. My children 14 and 17 loved him as a father. I am hurting more than I knew it was possible to hurt. I miss him with every breath and blink of my eye. We face timed the night before the accident and he said"I'll talk to you when you get up. I'll already be on the road." He was taken before I ever woke up the next morning. The accident happened at 5 am. I wish someone could take away the pain. My heart aches constantly for him and his boys. I love them and we are all suffering. I wish I had the opportunity to tell him I love him one more time and say goodbye. It was the last thing I saw coming and the hardest thing I've ever done. The verbally abbusive marriage and now this. I don't know why life is so hard. Sometime I wonder if its worth going on. I have my children and they keep me going. I just pray one day I will be able to stop hurting and breath again. I'm so very sorry, I'm truly, sincerely sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your feelings, the circumstances are so traumatic and unforeseen, I pray you find some peace and oh so valuable rest. Some thoughts, I hope they bring you at least a small measure of comfort. Your desire to have told him "that you loved him" one more time, well, you did. When we love our beloveds the way we do, with pure, honest, unconditional love, we say it with our every gesture, our every word. Your devotion is conveyed with every breath, believe me, he knows. He knows. You question the sense of having a terrible marriage followed by a marriage ending in tragedy. I too have a similar dilemma of "cosmic fairness". My wife (she passed New Year's Eve 2016) spent her life suffering from various illnesses and conditions, going through life because she had people she loved, a desire to one day get better. Then, before she could get better, she passed away from something not acquainted with her conditions, age 42. Why? To struggle for the near entirety of her life, to actively pursue treatment, to WANT to be better, then to just pass away? Leaving a 20 year old daughter without her mom, me my wife, our family a cherished and beloved member. All I can say is that within all of our lives, we teach, we give examples, we leave pieces of ourselves in the world we occupy. When we're gone, the world is different because we lived. Whether we chose to or not, we give of ourselves, good or bad. Your beloved brought you joy, happiness, showed you that love and kindness do exist, your sons got to see what it truly means to be a man, an example they'll no doubt carry with them forever. I can't tell you why or the reasons, and you may never find those answers, but he brought you happiness, as you did him. Your life, you, your children, they are better for having him. You feel like nothing matters, why bother? I can't argue that. I will say that for me, I decided that if I decided life was now worthless, that I had no reason to carry on, then every lesson my wife gave me, her fight, her desire to live despite every reason not to, would be wasted. In vain, her life would serve no purpose, just turning me into a bitter person. She would be, I think, disappointed with me. She handled the life dealt her with grace. I'll honor her by trying to do no less. Perhaps you'll find a similar inspiration, but whatever you do, just "live". One second, minute, day at a time. Don't worry about the big picture stuff, eat, hydrate, sleep. See to the needs of your children, reach out to trusted friends and family. There are no rules to this grief, only self care. Seek help from a professional grief counselor, grief support groups, religious/faith based support if appropriate, whatever you need, seek it. Post here as often as you feel the need, pm anyone of us, the people here are truly beautiful and compassionate. They will advise and help anyway they can. You feel alone, and in many ways, you are, but here, you aren't alone. This valley you're in is dark, frightening, and contains many unknowns. We're all in the valley, some journeys just begone, others having spent years here. It does ease up. It never goes away, it'll be park of you forever, but time allows for coping and acceptance. No complete healing, but it will ease off. I'm sorry you're here, I'm glad you found us though, this is a safe place to vent, to say what you feel, to express what you may not feel comfortable revealing to family or friends. No judgement, just compassion. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and yours. May you find peace and comfort, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 29, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 Angie, It sounds similar to my experience...I was in an abusive marriage, then another marriage 23 years that was hard, finally met and married my soul mate, he was a wonderful stepfather to my teenage children. When they were grown he had a heart attack and died, I never saw that coming! I remember feeling like, I went through all that to finally find him, just to have him taken from me? Life sure isn't fair sometimes. I am so sorry for your loss, it is profound. My kids had a really hard time with it, I'm sure yours are really feeling it too. It's been twelve years for me and I still miss him each and every day. I hope you'll keep coming here and read through the threads, it helps, we're all in this together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members M88 Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 I am so deeply sorry for your loss, Angie. It sounds like you and your partner and family had an awesome love. Making your way through your grief and adjusting to a life without your darling will undoubtedly be the most difficult thing you'll ever do. A grief counselor should be a must if you aren't seeing one already. Also regular consults with your GP. If you find a particular time of the day harder to handle, ask friends and family to phone to help you through it. This was a life saver for me. I've made progress and don't need that now. Have good friends come and stay a night or two. I know it will be difficult, but try not to think about tomorrow. Some days you may even need to get through it by living from hour to hour. Allow your family and friends to take care of you and your boys for as long as you need. I too lost my darling man in a terrible manner. 72 weeks ago today. He was walking on the footpath when he and other pedestrians were struck by an out of control driver. I miss him all day, every day, with every fibre of my being. He was a wonderful, loving, kind, fun guy who made me feel truly loved. We had both had tough earlier marriages and raised our kids on our own for a few years before we really got know each other and stated dating. We appreciated each other immensely and throughout our 22 years together, always knew how much we loved and trusted each other. The grief journey cannot be sugar coated. Our minds, bodies and souls are battered and bruised. We are fragile and vulnerable. Sadly, it is a long, rocky road, full of potholes, often three steps forward, sometimes two or three backwards. Apart from the wonderful support from those I love, finding and posting on this forum has given me the ongoing help I've needed. Everyone here understands the particular pain of losing a partner and the fears etc that come with having done so. We, both men and women, experience many similar emotions and anguish. We support and encourage each other. We see that others have a crappy day but are able to get back on a more even keel the next. This gives us hope that we too can bounce back after a bad day. We see each other healing and adjusting, albeit very slowly. Self care is now very important, hard work most of the time, but crucial. We need to eat healthy - doesn't have to be much, and get plenty of rest. KayC has a helpful list of other things that fall under self-care. Hopefully she will post it. And, we need to pamper ourselves a little each day. My pampering consists of a long shower, lovely pj's, nice bedlinen, flowers from my garden in a vase, a warm home and low lighting. Meditation videos on You Tube, Netflix and music are now all part of my night time routine. Know you and your family are in my thoughts. Sending strength, love and hugs X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 29, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HHFaith Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 Angie, I am so sorry. We do understand. I also lost the love of my life suddenly and also only after being together a short time. It is devastating and there are no words to describe the pain. You will get through this , little by little , one day at a time, but it won't be easy. It's been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. Reach out to people, talk about it as much as you can, feel the feelings when they come. And most importantly take care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 Angie, I am deeply sorry. I also left an abusive 1st marriage and found my soulmate. He left our life through sudden cardiac arrest. It has been an horrendous trial of grief. So much lost and so much left to the unknown. Who am I now and what do I do? Take it second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Take care of yourself. You'll hear that often here because it is so true and important. Our bodies and minds need the self care in order to survive this ordeal. By taking care of yourself, you'll be able to take care of the children and be their support. Reach out to others for help. They can get groceries , run errands, do chores. You'll have more time for yourself and the children. Keep coming to this forum. Read other's posts for similarities, encouragement, advice. Post when you feel the need to express your own feelings, whether it is venting or crying or need help with an issue that you need to run by someone here. We have all been in your shoes and still are. This will be a life time journey and we will become your grief family here. Prayers of comfort, peace and love to you and the children. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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