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Soulmate gone


Vidya

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I had a normal but eventful (mostly good) life till 2012. That year, Me, my best friend cum partner and my brother were back from a beautiful vacation. Everything was so nice. We were running a decor business together. We worked so hard and enjoyed thoroughly. In India, Diwali is the biggest festival and it was approaching. But something approached before that. Cancer came knocking. In its worst form, most aggressive form. It struck my partner. Doctor gave us anything between 4 months to 4 years. It was unbelievable to talk about death at the age of 33. His chemotherapy started on Diwali. He finished the horrifying therapy plus radiation plus surgery with the utmost courage. He did fine for the following one and a half years. And then, the tumour reoccurred. And it took him away in dec 2014. My handsome , strong friend reduced to vegetative state. Didn't know life could deliver such pain. And since then, it's been one long painful journey. I didn't know what was loneliness till the time he was there. And ever since, I have known the deepest and darkest face of it. True, it's been more than 2 years. But I have not healed. I have not made any new friends, no relationships. I am looking for him. We were together every waking moment and now he is not there. No words can describe the void. Every thing seems lifeless. Nothing excites me anymore. Wish I knew what to do !!! Wish I knew how to make the most of this life that he so wanted to live. He didn't want to die. Wish I knew how to LIVE. 

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38 minutes ago, Vidya said:

 But I have not healed. I have not made any new friends, no relationships. I am looking for him. We were together every waking moment and now he is not there. No words can describe the void. Every thing seems lifeless. Nothing excites me anymore. Wish I knew what to do !!! Wish I knew how to make the most of this life that he so wanted to live. He didn't want to die. Wish I knew how to LIVE. 

I'm sorry for your loss and that in two years you have not begun to heal.  And while everyone grieves differently at their own pace, I would only imagine you would have seen or detected some sense of healing.  I don't know if you have tried some of the grief support groups and/or one-on-one grief counseling; but they really have helped me on my journey. Or perhaps reaching out to your doctor for guidance may be just what you need to help you through.  After 2 years, it certainly wouldn't hurt.

The void doesn't ever go away.   I think as time goes by, you just might be able to bury it deep within your soul; but it is never gone - dormant perhaps but always conscious. The hardest part of losing someone so near and dear to us isn't saying goodbye, but rather learning to live without them; always trying to fill that vacant void - that emptiness that's left in our hearts when they go.

When you think about it, you know what to do - you said it.  Make the most of this life that he so desperately wanted.  Love your life and believe in your own powers, in your own potential and in your own goodness. Do it with passion or not at all.   Believe in your heart that wonderful things are about to happen.  You have exactly one life in which to do everything you'll ever do.  Dance as though no one is watching; Love as though you have never been hurt; Sing as if no one can hear you and Live as if heaven is on earth.

Sometimes, when you make the most out of what you have, it turns out being a lot more than you ever imagined.  Whether its the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time you got.  Life is like a coin; you can spend it anyway you wish - but you only spend it once.   Live it for the both of you.

Continue to post.  There is a comradery here that you won't find on other forums.  We are a grieving family here and will give you comfort, encouragement and support. If you just want to vent, cry, or perhaps just listen, we are here for you and one another.  Remember, we're only a post away, but God is always there - 24/7.  HE's just a prayer away.  My prayer is for God to bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

 

 
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Vidya, keep pressing and pushing your way through.. “the race is not given to the swift nor the strong but unto them that endure to the end.

Ms. Francine you bless my spirit when I read your beautifully typed out words. 

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Francine

I love what you said about learning to live without them. Being so used to doing and sharing with our spouses and then at the blink of an eye they are no longer. So today my husband has been gone 1 month but it seems way longer. I don't feel like I'm grieving anymore but getting used to being alone..

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Vidya,

You are the age of my children...it is hard for me to imagine them going through something like this at their age. Cancer knows no age, it visits who it chooses.  I am so sorry for your profound loss.  We know that loss all too well.  The loss is no less whether you have been married 50 years or not at all, whether you are 20 or 80...loss is defined by the capacity we've loved.  And we here, have loved, and continue to still. 

I can share what I have learned over the 12 years since I've lost my George, how I've learned to make my way through this journey...to each person their journey is unique, but if anything aids you in finding your way, that is my prayer for you. 

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Vidya, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say that hasn't already been expressed, by the other wonderful, inspirational  people on this lonely journey. My heart does go out to you. The world keeps going on around us. What do we do now? We feel stuck without our loved one who was always right by our side. We lose drive, ambition, motivation. We just don't care about anything because the one who gave us everything can no longer be here. We have no choice but to try and keep moving forward. Carry that love, that *everything*, with you. Make a life for yourself that you can handle. Make your loved one proud that you can do this life for him, for yourself.

Please keep coming to this forum. Whether you just read others posts to gain insight, hope for yourself or express your feelings when you need to. We are here for you. (HUGS)

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