How to grieve for a partner that nobody recognizes as a partner

[Micky]

About a year ago, I lost someone who, at one time, I had planned to spend my life with.  We were together several years, and I was in my late 20s and very ready to get married and maybe have children.  My grief was  complicated by the fact that  we had broken up shortly before his diagnosis, and this was solely because he wasn't willing to make a lifetime commitment to me due to cultural/religious differences.  After our breakup, we remained very much involved in each other's lives.  We spoke every day; we went on trips together; sometimes I broached the subject of getting back together but never got an answer I liked.  I stuck with him throughout his diagnosis, treatments, hospital visits; I brought him meals, cleaned his house, attempted to help him settle his affairs, and was available to him 24/7.  He hid his diagnosis from his family for 6 months, during which period, I was the only one that was actually there for him.

When he passed away, it was an incredibly messy and traumatic experience for reasons I don't wish to go into here. Suffice it to say, his family refused to recognize me as an important person in his life, and on several occasions made choices that deliberately sabotaged our final moments together, including refusing to allow me time alone with him to say goodbye.  They also made religious decisions about his end-of-life care that I fundamentally disagreed with, and, as a non-spouse, was absolutely powerless to change.  

As you could imagine, this situation has left me with extremely complicated grief.  Most people who knew us "before" have thought of him as "just an ex" because in most cases, it was too exhausting and personal to explain the extent  of our ongoing relationship.   When I meet new people that didn't know "us," I either say nothing about this painful period of my life, or I refer to him as my "late fiance" because I want some kind of emotional validation that my level of grief is akin to that of a widow. I resent that I can't call myself a widow, and I resent feeling like I have to either avoid the subject, or like I need to obscure the truth in order to get the kind of response that feels appropriate for how I viewed our relationship. 

It feels like nobody can relate to what I'm going through, because they haven't lived through something as painful, or they don't consider it to be the same type of grief, or because I haven't told them about any of it.  This has been the most isolating experience of my life.  I'm finding that my empathy for others has hit an all-time-low, and I'm extremely bitter whenever I hear about people I know finding love and getting married.  I used to be a warm, empathetic person and now I am probably viewed as standoffish and cold because I don't know how to relate to others anymore.  

I know the answer to all of this is therapy, but I have been, but even therapists don't seem to understand.  I joined widow group on Facebook, but I feel like an outcast because I am not one.  I don't want to stay this bitter and jaded forever.  Even when I do open up to people about my grief, they either quickly change the subject or say they understand where I am coming from (and it never seems like they do because they've only lost a grandparent or a pet or someone that was not a life partner).  

I recently tried dating again, and it was a disaster.  Upon breaking up he said it was "weird that I kept my ex's photo on display" --  playing right into my insecurity about who this person was to me.  It's been rough; I wish we had gotten married just so I could have the label of widow.  I wish that i could open up to people about how horrible this situation was,  and how I'll never be the same, and not have them downplay it because he was just an ex.  

[M88]

Micky, I am very sorry for your loss and for not being allowed a private goodbye with your loved one.  I understand the pain  family problems create.  Know that you are now amongst others who understand your painful loss. I'm sorry I don't have the words to ease that pain though. 

Sending strength, love and hugs X

[KayC]

I, too, am very sorry for your experiences.  The person that said it was weird you kept his photo on display has no clue about what it's like to lose the person you love to death, it doesn't have an ending like divorce does, it wasn't something you wanted, you continue to love and miss him and always will.  That his family didn't recognize you or your grief is so very sad and wrong, but that's something you have no control over.  What you can do is give yourself the validation you wanted from others, you've started by coming here, and that's good.  Here you are understood and no one will treat you like lesser than for not being married, there are many here who weren't married, and some in complicated situations that can relate very much.

I lead a Grief Support Group and I can assure you, if you were in my group, we would be very accepting and acknowledge your loss.  Sometimes it's just a matter of finding the right people that understand, and you've found that here.

I am sorry for your loss.

[KMB]

Mickey, Welcome. You have found good company here. In this forum,we all understand what you are going through. Loss is loss, grief is grief. Does not matter if someone was married or not. What matters is the relationship and the love. Do not pay attention to those who do not understand. Unless they have had  the same kind of loss, they will not truly *get you*.

i have no advice on dating. For myself and my age bracket, I intend on just living out my life as well as I can without going down the dating road. But, I will mention that if someone you have in your life cannot abide by a photo of your beloved, they are not worthy of you. Take pride in the fact that you were very much loved by your fiance and he saw the value in loving you. The right person will come along who will recognize that value and love you as you deserve without any petty jealousy or insecurity.  (HUGS)

[Francine]

Mickey,

I'm sorry for your loss and know too well the pain you must be experiencing.  It is unfortunate that his family did not recognize you as being a special person in his life; but you and he know the important role you played in this final days; that I hope gives you a little comfort.  Family is not always the people in our lives that are blood relations; its about the people in our lives who want us in their lives.  It's about the people who can accept us for who we are, support us and no matter what, are there for us.  It's the people in our lives who love us, respect us, and we can depend on - now that family - and that's who you were.  Take the high road; don't let bitter unhappy people drag you down to their level.  Use their bad, rude behavior as an example of how not to behave and be grateful you are nothing like them.

Although you indicated you resented not being called  *widow*;  personally, I don't like the word myself and have not used it.  I still consider myself married and always will in my mind.  But if *widow* is a title you want, deep down inside, you are; in your heart, you are.  

23 hours ago, Micky said:

I know the answer to all of this is therapy,

It truly helped me; I attend a one-on-one session weekly as well as a group session monthly and I would highly recommend either or both.   Stay strong and God bless.

[Eagle-96]

Micky, you and he know what you had together and THAT is all that matters. That his family didn't acknowledge that and even sabotaged what should have been a poignant moment doesn't change what you two had. Nobody can take that away from you and you shouldn't let them. You can label your relationship in whatever way you see fit because it was YOUR relationship. Don't ever forget that. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Francine said:

Although you indicated you resented not being called  *widow*;  personally, I don't like the word myself and have not used it.

I see her point though, it's being recognized for your loss, and it must be really hard to not have that validation.  All the more reason to self-validate.  Another part of our self-care that we have to learn to do.

[Francine]

KayC

I truly get what you're saying, and maybe if I was going through the crazy drama Mickey is going through I'd feel the same.  Just wanted her to know regardless of what his family might or might not think of her, deep down inside she knows she was there for him when his 'so-called' family wasn't and in my book, she demonstrated more *family* than they did.

[Micky]

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts.  It feels good to know that I can post semi-anonymously to a corner of the web and find people who are empathetic and there for one another.  I'm glad the internet exists, hah.

[KMB]

Micky, You are most definitely not alone. It might feel like it when you are by yourself and feeling lonely, scared, overwhelmed. But, on this forum you are not alone. I feel the same as you, thank goodness for the internet, computer access and this wonderful forum. For me personally, I do not know where I would be without this life line. Not much to speak of for family and outside of a couple of friends, the rest have disappeared. We have a family here to turn to who really cares.  (HUGS)

[KayC]

On 5/17/2017 at 4:49 AM, Francine said:

KayC

I truly get what you're saying, and maybe if I was going through the crazy drama Mickey is going through I'd feel the same.  Just wanted her to know regardless of what his family might or might not think of her, deep down inside she knows she was there for him when his 'so-called' family wasn't and in my book, she demonstrated more *family* than they did.

I totally agree!  Well put! 

Micky,

I have gone through loss both without the internet and with it, and it means the world to me that we can have grief forums like this to support us, going through it alone is terribly hard.