Mayo Clinic Online Articles

[AceBasin]

i am copying and pasting three of of many online articles published by the Mayo Clinic. The entire site is worth reviewing and I will try to post links at the end of this post. I have had difficulties with this site in copying and pasting and attributing to links. What follows are not my own words, but are quoted directly from the Mayo Clinic:

1. "A number of readers have shared their stories of grief and bereavement. They talk about the overwhelming feelings of paralysis and emptiness, and of having no energy or enthusiasm for even the simplest things in life.

In his book, "A Grief Observed," the beloved British author C. S. Lewis wrote of the overwhelming, draining fatigue that afflicted him after the death of his wife. In the book he describes his inability to participate in even casual conversations and how his grief seemed to siphon off all his vitality and energy.

This is a normal phenomenon, perhaps more intense for some than others. But with time and attention to one's needs, this overwhelming sense of tiredness does gradually improve.

Part of the healing process is to take care of yourself, maintain some structure in your life, and to recognize and embrace healing as a process, not a destination."

2. "Losing a loved one is one of the most distressing and, unfortunately, common experiences people face. Most people experiencing normal grief and bereavement have a period of sorrow, numbness, and even guilt and anger. Gradually these feelings ease, and it's possible to accept loss and move forward.

 

For some people, feelings of loss are debilitating and don't improve even after time passes. This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble accepting the loss and resuming your own life.

Different people follow different paths through the grieving experience. The order and timing of these phases may vary from person to person:

• Accepting the reality of your loss
• Allowing yourself to experience the pain of your loss
• Adjusting to a new reality in which the deceased is no longer present
• Having other relationships

These differences are normal. But if you're unable to move through one or more of these stages after a considerable amount of time, you may have complicated grief. If so, seek treatment. It can help you come to terms with your loss and reclaim a sense of acceptance and peace.

During the first few months after a loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief. However, while normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time, those of complicated grief linger or get worse. Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.

 

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include:

• Intense sorrow and pain at the thought of your loved one
• Focus on little else but your loved one's death
• Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
• Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased
• Problems accepting the death
• Numbness or detachment
• Bitterness about your loss
• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
• Irritability or agitation
• Lack of trust in others
• Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one

When to see a doctor

Call your doctor if you've recently lost a loved one and feel such profound disbelief, hopelessness or intense yearning for your loved one that you can't function in daily life, or if intense grief doesn't improve over time.

Specifically, you may benefit from professional help if, over time, you continue to:

• Have trouble carrying out normal routines
• Withdraw from social activities
• Experience depression or deep sadness
• Have thoughts of guilt or self-blame
• Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
• Have lost your sense of purpose in life
• Feel life isn't worth living without your loved one
• Wish you had died along with your loved one

If you have thoughts of suicide

At times, people with complicated grief may consider suicide. If you're thinking about suicide, talk to someone you trust. If you think you may act on suicidal feelings, call 911 or your local emergency services number right away. Or call a suicide hotline number. In the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor.

It's not known what causes complicated grief. As with many mental health disorders, it may involve inherited traits, your environment, your body's natural chemical makeup and your personality."

3. 

• "Actively grieve and mourn. Grief is an inner sense of loss, sadness and emptiness. Mourning is how you express those feelings. You might plan a funeral or memorial service, wear black, and carry a somber demeanor. Both grief and mourning are natural and necessary parts of the healing process after a loss.
• Acknowledge your pain. If you don't face your grief, your wounds might never quite go away. Accept that the pain you're feeling is part of dealing with grief and moving toward a state of healing and acceptance.
• Look to loved ones and others for support. Spending some time alone is fine, but isolation isn't a healthy way to deal with grief. A friend, a confidant, a spiritual leader — all can help you along the journey of healing. Allow loved ones and other close contacts to share in your sorrow or simply be there when you cry.
• Don't make major decisions while grieving. Grief clouds the ability to make sound decisions. If possible, postpone big decisions — such as moving, taking a new job or making major financial changes. If you must make decisions right away, seek the input or guidance of trusted loved ones or other close contacts.
• Take care of yourself. Grief consumes a significant amount of energy. Your will to live and ability to follow normal routines might quickly erode. To combat these problems, try to get adequate sleep, eat a healthy diet and include physical activity in your daily routine. Consider a medical checkup to make sure your grief isn't adversely affecting your health — especially if you have any existing health conditions.
• Remember that time helps, but it might not cure. Time has the ability to make that acute, searing pain of loss less intense and to make your red-hot emotions less painful — but your feelings of loss and emptiness might never completely go away. Accepting and embracing your new "normal" might help you reconcile your losses.

 

Losing a loved one is devastating. Someday, however, the sun will shine again. The day will seem brighter and your life will go on — even if it'll never be quite the same."

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/basics/symptoms/con-20032765  (and you can locate other articles with a simple search of the site)

[KayC]

I wish the moderators would make this a sticky, but I've asked about that before to no avail, so I guess they don't do that here.  This is a very good article, it says it all.

[M88]

Thanks for posting that AceBasin, Crikey, I see a lot of me in the complicated grief list of symptoms.   I never felt the numbness everbody mentions and writes about,  The pain and agony was tremendous from the beginning.  I've not had so much energy for years, but that is flagging now and emotional exhaustion setting in. 

[KMB]

AceBasin, Thanks for sharing the articles. They will certainly benefit our grief family here. I was diagnosed with complicated grief by a grief support coordinator. It takes supreme courage, persistent effort, a ton of tears, to keep going on this journey of loss. It is the loneliness at the end of the day that is the hardest to get through. I miss sharing the day with my husband desperately, so I pour it all into journaling before trying to sleep.

I hope you find the articles benefiting you as well. Hang in there!

[KMB]

M88, The pain and empty void of our loss, the coping,is definitely exhausting. Rest as often as you are able. Pamper yourself with comfort food, even though healthy food is recommended, it doesn't hurt to include whatever makes you feel better. For me, it has been chocolate. I also get outside as often as possible. Something about fresh air and nature has a way of clearing the mind and be rejuvenating. Whatever methods of pampering you do, it does help over time. Take care of yourself!  (HUGS)

[M88]

Thank you for your kind encouragement, KMB.  I am in better spirits now than I was a few days ago.  I can't remember being that low before - it was scarey!!  If that is what depression is like, I want no part of it.  It instigated me to confide in the prosecutor the other reason for my excessive levels of stress and the desperate need to put a stop to delays of the trial.  I regret not doing so earlier as he is very understanding and compassionate. I feel so much lighter now.  

I too love the outdoors.  Our day in the native forest was bittersweet.  Refreshing but emotional.  I kept picturing hubby walking on the track and remembering conversations we'd had there.  It's a magical place. 

I've recently started helping my neighbourhood friends in any way I can.  A number of them have been very supportive of me over the past 16 months.  The other day I sat with an elderly neighbour who is very ill, whilst his wife went to the city for essentials.  He's led an interesting life so conversation was easy.   I'll sit with him again later in the week.  

And I'll stock up on chocolate tomorro, for both him and I. 

[KMB]

M88, That a girl! I've also found that helping our neighbors, friends, strangers, not only benefits them, but ourselves as well in this journey. Our loss has taught us lessons. We become more humble, more compassionate and giving. More loving. Sitting with your elderly neighbor is much appreciated. They will remember your kindnesses. That is the legacy we will leave behind. It is not money or material possessions we will be remembered for when we leave this life. It is how people will think of us, our generosity with our time and love that will be the most important.

[KMB]

M88, Just a reminder. Your hubby is watching over you and he is proud that you will lead a great life showing compassion to others. That is why we are here, well, my own belief that is why we are here. Your hubby is going to meet you with open arms and a huge hug, smiling with pride and love for you when it is your turn to graduate to Heaven!

[M88]

Thank you again for your kind, encouraging words, KMB.  Yes, there are indeed lessons to be learned through loss. 

Sending strength and love X

[KayC]

I heard somewhere that God is not interested so much in our happiness as in our learning and developing as Christians.  Maybe there's something to that, after all, it's often the hard places where we do the most growing.  And I've found plenty of growth in this journey, with that sometimes comes the growing pains.  But I look at that as the silver lining to what is otherwise a very hard journey...not for the fainthearted!