Loss of my boyfriend

[Bre]

I never really have signed up for these things, but I'm having a really hard time... 

anyways, my boyfriend passed away 11 days ago. We're not sure what happened yet, all I know is he took a nap and didn't wake up. He went out the night before, I had a meeting for work and didn't get home til late so I didn't go. I facetimed him before I went to bed. The next morning he woke up around 11, texted good morning. Talked for a little bit. I texted around 2pm to see if he wanted to go to dinner later. No answer. I was at work so I kept texting all day, getting more mad because he wasn't answering. After I got out I called, left messages no answer. I decided to go out with some friends and came home around 11 pm and boom, his cousin called me with news that he died. I didn't even believe it at first.. when it finally hit me I was shaking and crying and calling whoever I could waiting for someone to tell me that he was just in the hospital or something. But no, he was gone. We first got together when I was 14, we dated all throughout high school and broke up at the end of my senior year, but we always stayed in touch. Our relationship was kind of like a movie or a book I feel like we knew we were gonna be together forever. But we had our problems and I was fed up and broke it off. It hurt him really badly. We always stayed in touch though. Eventually I got a new boyfriend I ended up getting pregnant, he had a baby with some other girl. But we still loved each other. We were in love with each other. Anyways we both had broken up with our other partners around the same time and we got back together this passed October. It was so nice to have him back, like this is how my life was supposed to be. We were gonna do it right this time. We had so much fun all the time, he was so funny and happy and so different from anyone I'd met. We were so in tune with each other and connected. But anyways he's gone now. I'm lost, miserable. If it wasn't for my son, I would want to be with him. I miss him constantly. Everything reminds me of him. I just don't know what to do with myself. He was the one for me and he's gone. I'm trying to keep it together but I feel like I'm slipping. 

[Francine]

Bre, 

I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing.   Few experiences in life will be as painful as this loss and you feel you can't survive this overwhelming loss.  After all, this was the person you wanted to share your life with and someone you loved, lived with and depended one.  You're in shock and will experience all kinds of emotions.  This type of loss will affect your head heart and spirit.  Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, relief and anger are just a few of the emotions you may feel.  They can follow each other within a short period of time, or they may occur all at once. As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. 

Try to focus on the love you shared and not the loss you feel.  The love you shared for each other will always be with you because you will carry it within your heart.   The memories you made together are yours to keep - no one can take them away.  What will really help you is being around others.  A support system of caring friends and family will provide the understanding you so desperately need right now.  There may be a support group in your area that you might want to attend.  I attend one and I find it fantastic - there is no substitute  for learning from other persons who have experienced the death of someone so dear.

Get enough rest, eat balance meals - you're gonna need all your strength - not only for yourself, but for your child as well.    If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that are appropriate to you.  Be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs.   You will get through this - you are stronger than you know; strong enough to make it through this journey; I just want you to have faith that this journey will make you stronger. The strongest actions we can take as women is to love ourselves, be ourselves and shine through this gruesome darkness. 

Continue to post; we are all here for one another; and on top of that God is just a prayer away.   Sending prayers your way.  Stay Strong and God Bless you, bless us all.

[KayC]

Bre,

I am so sorry for your loss and all that you are going through.  I posted this in another thread but not knowing if you read it, I am copying it for here...

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.