Members ronbb Posted May 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 Today is one week since I lost my beloved Sharon, and I don't know what to do with myself. I have lost my Brother, my Mother, My Father, and all of those rolled up together seem like a walk in the park compared to this. I don't want to do anything but sleep when I can. How do you go on when everything is attached to that one person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted May 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 Dear Ron, I'm very sorry for your loss. I know the pain is unbearable. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Try not to think too far ahead right now. Just take it moment by moment then day by day. Its all any of us can do during this difficult time. Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 8 hours ago, ronbb said: Today is one week since I lost my beloved Sharon, and I don't know what to do with myself. I have lost my Brother, my Mother, My Father, and all of those rolled up together seem like a walk in the park compared to this. I don't want to do anything but sleep when I can. How do you go on when everything is attached to that one person? I am so sorry for your loss; believe me, we all know what you are going through. I too have lost many family members and the one person who held me up and got me through those losses was my Charles; my strength, my protector, my world; and now God took him as well. I've never felt so lost as I do now. The comforting part is knowing he didn't suffer and that he knew how much he loved and was loved when he left this world. I think that is a tiny part of why we are here; to love one another, help one another, grow mentally and spiritually and learn valuable lessons. I don't think we grow when things are easy, we grow when we face our most difficult challenges and if our lives were perfect, we would never learn or grow. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, just the opposite, we're spiritual beings having a human experience and God created this earth, this physical world, as a place for us to learn. We are where God wants us to be at this very moment. Every experience is a part of HIS divine plan. How do you go on, you asked? You go on because she goes on - in you. You carry her within your heart always; you remember the love you shared, the memories you made and the person she was; and because she lived and loved you, your life is fuller, richer and better because of it. Remember the love not the loss and know you are never alone. We on this forum are always here for you, for one another and above all, God is just a prayer away. My prayer is that God will give you HIS divine comfort; HIS strength and HIS peace to get you this difficult time in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 10, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 Ron, I am sorry for the loss of your Sharon, and all of your other losses too. It's the hardest thing in the world to get used to "living without..." I've been doing it nearly 12 years and it's still not easy. There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Donna7431 Posted May 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 Kay, I just read through your post. It should be posted somewhere for all to see without searching. Ronbb, I know these steps are impossible to absorb when the wound is so fresh, but I am now past month four and Kay's recommended steps are exactly how you go through it. And most of all, I am still learning, the waves of grief can be dynamic. Be ready for them to come out of everywhere and nowhere. Shake your fist at God while praying to get through another day. One day at a time. AceBasin on another thread discussed the how long factor with his doctor. This was so helpful for me to know there is a time for relief from the constant aching. Six months will pass and it won't be as fresh. A year will pass and you will laugh again. We all need time to pass. And while it is passing, read through other letters in this forum. We all know your pain. And we hold each other's hands and hearts through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 ronbb, You have endured the loss of so many and now your beloved Sharon. I am so deeply sorry. You mention all you want to do is sleep. Get as much sleep as you can. It provides the body and mind time to absorb, process, your tragic loss. Some of us have insomnia issues connected to our losses, so we envy anyone who has the ability to get some much needed rest. I know the pain of missing our spouses/partners is gut wrenching and unrelenting. We didn't only lose them, we lost the life we knew, we lose ourselves. We are all here for you. Reader, Francine, KayC and Donna have all given comforting words, encouragement, so I will not repeat anything. KayC leads her own local grief support group and she outlined some great pointers to follow. This forum is a great, comforting place, where those of us truly understand your loss and pain. Only those who have lost a spouse/partner *get it*. We know how hard your journey of grieving will really be like. Prayers of comfort and peace to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sue P 67 Posted May 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 Ron, It has just been 5 weeks since I lost the love of my life...I lost my brother last year as well at the young age of 40. You are right, this is a very different type of loss and grief. I don't know how to help you because I'm still a mess myself. All I can offer you is that I have found some sense of peace in knowing he is with me. I talk to him daily, I kiss his picture goodnight and good morning every day. When I am alone I close my eyes and think of him and "feel" his presence. I find myself listening to "our song" and others that make me think of him just to help me cry it out because if I don't cry, the anxiety builds to the point of having difficulty breathing normally. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced (and I have been through some crap in my life). This forum has helped me tremendously just by reading others stories and knowing the feelings I have aren't crazy....we all have them. Prayers to you and as others said...take minute by minute then day by day. I'm at the day by day stage now. It isn't easy but it is doable. hugs, Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ronbb Posted May 10, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 You all are the best!! I am at a loss for words as to your wisdom and caring. Regarding my situation, I thought I had known pain already. I was in a car accident with my Brother when I was 17 and he didn't make it. Then at 33 I lost my Mother to cancer. Then when I was 40, I went next door to my Father's house and found him sitting at his kitchen table after putting a gun in his mouth and shooting himself. That last one caused me PTSD, and panic attacks for years. But this is worse than all the rest rolled into one. I am going to pay close attention to all of your advice. But please know that you folks are very gifted with the gift of caring so much. THANK YOU! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 11, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 11, 2017 I added the part about volunteering, it can give us a sense of purpose and get our mind off ourselves, so many have recommended it and I know it helps me. Ron, Wow, you truly have been through a lot! I love your photo, that is so very sweet! It's weird to me to look at our photo...I aged but he never did. He is forever young in my mind while the years since George's death have aged me. It's easy for us to look at the pain in your life and wonder how you got through it, but I guess it's pretty much the same for all of us, you've just experienced it more often. I lost my nephew, niece, parents, grandparents, friends, lots of pets, 3 miscarried babies, but nothing was as difficult as losing my husband. My pets were very hard too, I know that sounds weird, but they were in my everyday lives the same as my husband was, and loved unconditionally, so it was tough. Each loss is different, each circumstance affects the loss. Losing your father in that way had to be super hard, like you say, that image never leaves. I took care of my mother-in-law the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer, and it was tough watching her die, the anticipatory grief, we were so close, she was my best fried and the mom I'd always wanted. I was 29 when my dad passed away, I felt gypped as I was pregnant with my first child and they never got to know each other. I went through the dementia with my mom, she died at 92. Each of these deaths were so different, and each one so hard in its own way. I love the way Darrel puts it..."One foot in front of the other..." Pretty much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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