I Feel Exceptionally Lonely Today

[SpaceCaptainHan]

Hello Everybody! I have been aware of this forum for a few months and I've wanted to post but I have just now scrounged up the courage to do so. My name is Hannah, I am 23 years old. I feel almost silly, because Israel and I were only together for 6 months - but it was the most important and life changing 6 months in my entire life. 

Israel became ill and passed away next to me in bed on December 21st of 2016. A few weeks later I miscarried from grief - and while I have picked up the more shallow aspects of my life off of the floor - the fucking pain I feel at the end of the day is unbearable. Life without Israel is so unbearable.

He was the most amazing and interesting person to walk this Earth - the first words he ever said to my face were "I love you" and they were also his last. We met spent every waking moment together from then on, he moved in with me within the week - we had entirely absorbed each other. I had spent my whole life with no purpose and no reason to live and there was this beautiful, beautiful man who felt the same and We both knew, immediately, that we were soulmates. I had never, ever believed in this until I met him - when I experienced that cosmic pause and fell inexplicably and immediately and wildly in love. He asked me to marry him and I said yes and we were going to tie the knot on January 6th of 2017, his 25th birthday.

To know that we had created a life together brings tears to my eyes even now. He cried when I told him and when he passed I found so much comfort in knowing that our daughter was there inside me - that I was not alone.

Its been about 4 months since I lost them both. I'll never forget holding his face in my hands and asking him why he left me. Or the way my heart dropped when I realized I was having complications with my pregnancy. I go on about my day to day - I draw and I write and I paint and I function. But when I am alone, when I have nothing but my own thoughts - I am just so unbelievably and overwhelmingly sad. Everyone tells me that time will heal these wounds but it feels worse some days. I have his cat and our puppy, and the pictures and my memories and all these paintings I make of him - but he had told me he wished we had met 10 years sooner so that we could have saved each other years of pain and searching and I just wish we could have had 10 years more. 

Every one says I'm young. And that we weren't together for very long and all this stuff - it doesn't matter. I lost the only person on earth who made me feel alive - I had never wanted children, or to get married - hell I barely wanted to live. He changed everything about me - he saved my life and continues to do so. I live everyday for him...I just wish it wasn't so lonely. All of our adventures, and shared music and art and possibilities... I'm not even sure where I was going with this post. I guess I'm just trying to get it out there, and to know that people live with their loss as well. Because I feel dwarfed by my longing and I feel lonely but only for Israel. I guess I'm looking for some type of comfort that I cannot get from people who don't know what that loss is like. 

Thank you for reading, I send all of my love to you. 

 

 

[KayC]

Your feelings are not silly at all!  When you know "the one", that is it, love has you and it doesn't matter if it's six months or 50 years, you know it.  No matter how long we have, we feel it wasn't enough, but to only have someone for six months seems like such a gyp!  We expect to have a long time together!

I'm sorry you have pregnancy complications, I really hope everything works out well for you.  My daughter tried for years to get pregnant and finally did...only to lose it, and then her husband left her, so I can understand how quickly life can change from bliss to devastation.  I want to assure you that you will get through this, hold onto that thought.  I didn't see it possible when I first lost my George, but it's been nearly 12 years and I've not only made my way through this but learned so much in the process.  In the early days, thoughts of him brought pain and anguish, but now they bring comfort and encouragement.  

I'm glad you made your way here, but I'm sorry for the reason behind it.  You've found a very good place and I hope you'll continue to come here, it's so important to know you are heard and understood and that can be hard to get from those who haven't been there.

[Francine]

Hannah,

I am so sorry for your loss and I know too well the pain you're experiencing.   There's no reason for you to feel silly - you're not - you are a grieving young women who misses her man.  I was taken away from your post and the love you had for Israel.  In the short time you were together, it is apparent you loved a lifetime.  Losing Israel was tragic but miscarriage is just as bad.  I lost 4 and each one devastated me.  God eventually blessed me with two children - they're both grown now. 

Ironic, when life seems to be going in the right direction and all is good in the world; you're as happy as ever, you're making plans for your future, planning a marriage, expecting a baby - things couldn't be more perfect.   Then - your world stops - abruptly.  The rug is suddenly pulled from underneath you and you fall, fall hard, and it hurts, real bad, and the pain is unthinkable and insufferable and just doesn't go away.   That's what it feels like when you lose someone near and dear to you.  You see the world differently because it is. That once happy, wonderful, looking forward to the future world has now become a cruel, vicious, dark world.  It is shocking when your world falls to pieces and everything and everyone around you carries on with life.  You think how can the birds continue to sing or how can people carry on loving life when your life is destroyed.  t is like you're frozen in time and you are watching life as if it were a movie and you can almost predict the ending.  As the weeks and months roll by, life becomes more real again, but you never forget that point in time where your life stood still. 

I don't think our wounds ever heal; there are wounds that never show up on your body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that might bleed.  You'll miss him forever and the pain will never completely go away.   If you try to bury it, it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, and deal with it head on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while.  That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt and in the end, some of your greatest pain become your greatest strengths.

I do hope you continue to post. There are wonderful people on this forum who not only will share their stories, but will give you their comfort, advice, strength and encouragement.  We're all here on this forum at this time and day for a reason - to uplift one another - definitely - but more than that - to learn from each other.   Sending prayers your way.  Stay strong, we're here for you.