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There's no way..


Mrsviden

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Posted

There's no way that this is real is a thought that crosses my mind daily. It doesn't seem possible that my husband is gone, I know we all don't live forever but he made it through things he shouldn't have and when he got told he was out of remission and it wasn't working I thought ok well it's going to get really hard again but we are going to make it. Less than 7 months later I'm in a funeral home making arrangements. 

I remember being so angry at the doctors when they would come in and say hospice and that he only had a few days, because I wasn't about to give up on him, but I felt like they did. I look at pictures of us in the hospital and at that time I didn't see him for his sickness I saw him for the man I fell love with 13 years ago when I was in the room of his parents house and looked up and he was sitting there with this cheesy grin looking right at me, and all he could do was wave. That night we stayed up until 2 in the morning talking, and just like that we were best friends, then we dated, and then got married. It's a real life love story without the fairytale ending where we lived happily ever after. I saw him for Joe. Now I look at those pictures and see the suffering he went through, I see how tired he was, and I see how bad he wanted this to go away. 

I remember him grabbing my hand one day when I was going to leave the hospital to check on the house and he said "Cody, you've been my day one girl, it's always been you, I love you" 

Today I'm reminded that this is real, and that this is now the new normal. I miss you Joe, I love you with my whole heart and nothing less. Please know that...

 

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Posted

Mrsviden, My heart feels for you, for all of us here. We all went into our happy life with our soulmate thinking we were going to live the fairytale for many, many years. I get up in the morning, let the dog out, do my own bathroom thing, start the coffee and I stand there, in the kitchen, looking at my husband's chair and I get paralyzed for a bit. Where is he? Why isn't he there asking me about breakfast? I go through those paralyzing moments throughout the day. Where is he? What happened to the life, the routines we had? Everything we had went with them. Our soulmate story is done and we have to find a new story for ourselves.

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Mrsviden/KMB  --  Both of your post are spot on and brought tears to my eyes.  When you have been with a man for 45 years, you get a routine that you become accustomed to.  Like the both of you, I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again - at least not in this life - and that leaves me with sadness that is undescribable.  I literally can't get my mind to accept that reality.  Even with all his health issues, he was my strength and protector and we would be together, no matter what.  I never saw him as being sick, he just had some health issues.  (after all, we were getting older and doesn't that come with age?  I never saw weakness in him, only strength;  I never saw pain in him, only joy;  I never say hopelessness in him, only hopefulness;  I never saw fear in him, only calmness.  We would get though whatever situation together and I would be right there by his side. 

26 minutes ago, KMB said:

Our soulmate story is done and we have to find a new story for ourselves.

As much as I agree with your statement, my mind can't let it be done - not now; not ever.  I don't see a story for myself without my Charles; if there is one, I don't think I can live it with any useful purpose.  I realize that as long as I fight the feelings or the reality that my Charles is gone, the longer I am going to feel pain.  While I don't want to feel the pain, I don't want to accept this new reality.  It's almost as if my mind and heart are at war (if that makes any sense) I know that I'll never 'get over' him; loosing him is part of who I am now. That won’t change. There is nothing I have to fix; nothing I have to change; nothing I have to do. Nobody expects me to be anything I'm not. That includes being sad, angry, confused, all of it, for however long I want or need to feel those things. That may be until the day I die. And that is okay.  Forgive me, I'm probably rambling, but that's where I am right now.

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Francine, I understand and agree with your post. Maybe I should have worded that our soulmate story on the physical plane is done but continues on the spiritual plane. The love story is never going to be over. We still have the love and spiritual bond and we'll pick up the actual togetherness when we get to Heaven. Like you, I have to deal with this so called reality, but my husband is constantly on my mind and always will be. I manage to get through the days with the knowledge, the anticipation, if you will, that I will get to be with him someday. it is the only thing I have to look forward to. If someone else doesn't like how they see I'm living, that is their problem. I've been going about my days just as if my husband were still here, doing the same chores, etc. I've had to make some small modifications in routine but it is acceptable. My husband is still here, spiritually of course, they don't leave us. They have experienced this physical life, so they know how hard this is for us and that we are trying. My husband is on his spiritual journey and someday, I will catch up and be able to join him. (HUGS)

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43 minutes ago, KMB said:

My husband is still here, spiritually of course, they don't leave us. They have experienced this physical life, so they know how hard this is for us and that we are trying. My husband is on his spiritual journey and someday, I will catch up and be able to join him.

I do believe they're here with us.  I think, in a sense, we are asleep and when we die we wake up to what we actually are - spiritual beings who lived a human experience.  When my earthly pilgrimage is over,  I will run to catch up with Charles knowing we will never again have to part.  Thanks KMB.   You know you're in my prayers.  Stay Strong and God Bless.

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5 hours ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden, My heart feels for you, for all of us here. We all went into our happy life with our soulmate thinking we were going to live the fairytale for many, many years. I get up in the morning, let the dog out, do my own bathroom thing, start the coffee and I stand there, in the kitchen, looking at my husband's chair and I get paralyzed for a bit. Where is he? Why isn't he there asking me about breakfast? I go through those paralyzing moments throughout the day. Where is he? What happened to the life, the routines we had? Everything we had went with them. Our soulmate story is done and we have to find a new story for ourselves.

And that's what hurts the most KMB, because I didn't choose to find a new story for myself. I was fine in the story I was in. 

I don't drink coffee, but whenever I wake up I always look in the living room and he's not there. The tv is not on Fox News and there is not coffee brewing. My coffee pot just sits there untouched, the way he last left it. I look at the stove and think I should be cooking his three eggs right now and I'm not. I go through the day expecting I'll hear from him any moment and that he's just been really busy. 

God, today I'm just really struggling the grief is so heavy and I'm falling apart. 

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4 hours ago, Francine said:

 

Mrsviden/KMB  --  Both of your post are spot on and brought tears to my eyes.  When you have been with a man for 45 years, you get a routine that you become accustomed to.  Like the both of you, I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again - at least not in this life - and that leaves me with sadness that is undescribable.  I literally can't get my mind to accept that reality.  Even with all his health issues, he was my strength and protector and we would be together, no matter what.  I never saw him as being sick, he just had some health issues.  (after all, we were getting older and doesn't that come with age?  I never saw weakness in him, only strength;  I never saw pain in him, only joy;  I never say hopelessness in him, only hopefulness;  I never saw fear in him, only calmness.  We would get though whatever situation together and I would be right there by his side. 

As much as I agree with your statement, my mind can't let it be done - not now; not ever.  I don't see a story for myself without my Charles; if there is one, I don't think I can live it with any useful purpose.  I realize that as long as I fight the feelings or the reality that my Charles is gone, the longer I am going to feel pain.  While I don't want to feel the pain, I don't want to accept this new reality.  It's almost as if my mind and heart are at war (if that makes any sense) I know that I'll never 'get over' him; loosing him is part of who I am now. That won’t change. There is nothing I have to fix; nothing I have to change; nothing I have to do. Nobody expects me to be anything I'm not. That includes being sad, angry, confused, all of it, for however long I want or need to feel those things. That may be until the day I die. And that is okay.  Forgive me, I'm probably rambling, but that's where I am right now.

You are so spot on when you say it's like your mind and heart are at war, I feel the exact way. I was so fortunate to have met the love of my life at 10 years old, but then I got him taken from me twelve years later. I dream about the life we were supposed to have together. I don't want to feel this pain anymore, but I know it's a part of who I am, I am in pain because I lost my husband. These are the days when it's hard to just get up and do something? I ask myself why? Who do I  have to please? Who needs me? These are the days I just wish I would get taken from this earth and be with my husband again just so I don't have to live with the pain of never seeing him again. Sorry for the depressing post but that's just where I am, almost as if I'm relieving that morning I lost him all over again

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Posted

Mrsviden, I am sorry you are having a rough time. Our minds and hearts will be at war with each other for some time. We are overwhelmed, confused, in pain, our insides feel like they are ripped apart. We miss them so much and we would do anything for them to be back in our arms again. We plead, beg, bargain with God for this not to be happening.

All this pain does evolve. Trust me, it does change into something a little easier to bear. To be honest, there were a few months I was thinking of ending my misery. Since then , I have learned that thinking that way is part of the process. Not acting on those thoughts is what is important. I know my husband would not want me to end my life.

You have family and friends that love and care for you. They do need you. The people that are in our lives need us to help them with their life lessons and souls growth.  Your husband is still with you spiritually, he loves and cares for you. Your life matters and you have value and worth. Your husband was in your life to show you those things. His life work is done and now he has to continue his spiritual journey while you have to continue your physical journey. Embrace your love and shared memories, they will help you to continue on.

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1 hour ago, Mrsviden said:

You are so spot on when you say it's like your mind and heart are at war, I feel the exact way. I was so fortunate to have met the love of my life at 10 years old, but then I got him taken from me twelve years later. I dream about the life we were supposed to have together. I don't want to feel this pain anymore, but I know it's a part of who I am, I am in pain because I lost my husband. These are the days when it's hard to just get up and do something? I ask myself why? Who do I  have to please? Who needs me? These are the days I just wish I would get taken from this earth and be with my husband again just so I don't have to live with the pain of never seeing him again. Sorry for the depressing post but that's just where I am, almost as if I'm relieving that morning I lost him all over again

Depressing or not, it's how you feel, no apologies necessary. I relive the last 6 hours and 42 minutes of my wife's life, almost daily, and in the beginning it was like a movie playing non stop. Now, it comes without warning. As you eluded to earlier, those lost moments, all the "bad", all the small, insignificant things melted away, leaving only the strong, beautiful girl I fell for so many years ago. She was, at that moment, the only thing that existed in my world. She was my world. I'm touched by the depth of devotion you had and still have for your dear husband. Your words resonate with my thoughts, so filled with sadness and sorrow. The "story" of you two is not over, it's taken an unexpected turn, but it's not over. Your memories, his essence, the life he lived, the life you lived together, it all made an impact. It made a difference, in you, family, friends, the world around you is changed because he LIVED. And for the rest of your days, wherever you go, whatever you do, HE will be with you, in thought, in influence, differences within you because of him, and his spirit. You are bound by something far, far greater than death. True, honest, unconditional love. It is the most powerful force there is, and in its presence, death is weak. The bridge between worlds is small yet immense, the time of passing swift but seemingly infinite. He awaits, all in good time, rest now. I too suffer this longing to be with my sweet Tracie, but I can't, not just yet. I'm comforted knowing that NOTHING can ever harm her again and she waits in a place of peace and love. I'm the one who's burdened with this torture of time. Mrsviden, it's all going to be okay. I doesn't feel like it today, but it will. 

Peace, love and comfort,

Andy

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

I'm comforted knowing that NOTHING can ever harm her again and she waits in a place of peace and love. I'm the one who's burdened with this torture of time.

Those words lift my spirits and comforts me in such way - Thank you for that.

 

1 hour ago, KMB said:

I have learned that thinking that way is part of the process. Not acting on those thoughts is what is important. I know my husband would not want me to end my life.

You have family and friends that love and care for you. They do need you. The people that are in our lives need us to help them with their life lessons and souls growth.  Your husband is still with you spiritually, he loves and cares for you. Your life matters and you have value and worth. Your husband was in your life to show you those things. His life work is done and now he has to continue his spiritual journey while you have to continue your physical journey. Embrace your love and shared memories, they will help you to continue on.

I've been in that dark place where I too thought I'd be better off with my Charles than without him and did not consider what that might have done to anyone not even my children and I didn't care.   In retrospect, I was selfish and only thinking of myself.  Like your husband Ed, I know my Charles would not want me to end my life - he would want me to live my life and be there for the kids and grandchildren.  He was my best teacher and worst critic - by that I mean, he told me the truth - he was not the one who didn't sugar coat something just to sound nice or tiptoe around something just to spare one's feelings.  He told me the truth and I loved him for that - his honesty and his candidness.  

I have memories to last my lifetime and some and I'm so grateful for that. I  thank him for loving me and protecting me; for being my husband and making me his wife; for spending the rest of his life with me; for the many happy times and memories we made together; for our children; for growing together and learning from one another; for being the best that life had to offer me.  I thank him for being himself and making my life what it is today; because of him, I am me.   Thank you baby, I'll always love you.   Until we meet again,

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3 hours ago, Andy said:

Depressing or not, it's how you feel, no apologies necessary. I relive the last 6 hours and 42 minutes of my wife's life, almost daily, and in the beginning it was like a movie playing non stop. Now, it comes without warning. As you eluded to earlier, those lost moments, all the "bad", all the small, insignificant things melted away, leaving only the strong, beautiful girl I fell for so many years ago. She was, at that moment, the only thing that existed in my world. She was my world. I'm touched by the depth of devotion you had and still have for your dear husband. Your words resonate with my thoughts, so filled with sadness and sorrow. The "story" of you two is not over, it's taken an unexpected turn, but it's not over. Your memories, his essence, the life he lived, the life you lived together, it all made an impact. It made a difference, in you, family, friends, the world around you is changed because he LIVED. And for the rest of your days, wherever you go, whatever you do, HE will be with you, in thought, in influence, differences within you because of him, and his spirit. You are bound by something far, far greater than death. True, honest, unconditional love. It is the most powerful force there is, and in its presence, death is weak. The bridge between worlds is small yet immense, the time of passing swift but seemingly infinite. He awaits, all in good time, rest now. I too suffer this longing to be with my sweet Tracie, but I can't, not just yet. I'm comforted knowing that NOTHING can ever harm her again and she waits in a place of peace and love. I'm the one who's burdened with this torture of time. Mrsviden, it's all going to be okay. I doesn't feel like it today, but it will. 

Peace, love and comfort,

Andy

Thank you Andy. I appreciate your words more than you know. 

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1 hour ago, Francine said:

Those words lift my spirits and comforts me in such way - Thank you for that.

 

I've been in that dark place where I too thought I'd be better off with my Charles than without him and did not consider what that might have done to anyone not even my children and I didn't care.   In retrospect, I was selfish and only thinking of myself.  Like your husband Ed, I know my Charles would not want me to end my life - he would want me to live my life and be there for the kids and grandchildren.  He was my best teacher and worst critic - by that I mean, he told me the truth - he was not the one who didn't sugar coat something just to sound nice or tiptoe around something just to spare one's feelings.  He told me the truth and I loved him for that - his honesty and his candidness.  

I have memories to last my lifetime and some and I'm so grateful for that. I  thank him for loving me and protecting me; for being my husband and making me his wife; for spending the rest of his life with me; for the many happy times and memories we made together; for our children; for growing together and learning from one another; for being the best that life had to offer me.  I thank him for being himself and making my life what it is today; because of him, I am me.   Thank you baby, I'll always love you.   Until we meet again,

My husband was the same way, I appreciated his honesty, and most of all I appreciate him picking me to be his wife. I think the hardest part of all this is going through it alone, I don't talk to anyone he used to work with too much anymore, I don't have family that is close so it's me trying to handle all this on my own. This is when you need family the most. But I know that I'll get through it but in order for that to happen days like today will happen and I'll cry until I can't cry anymore and that's ok. I can't express how thankful I am for everyone who responds and just gives me some sort of comfort, I have a love/hate for this forum, I hate that I'm apart of it but thankful I can go somewhere and talk about how I feel to others who actually get it. 

Goodnight everyone...

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Posted

Goodnight Mrsviden, sleep and dream of pleasant things. 

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Posted

Francine, I'm glad I can provide even just a little comfort. It's what I believe, it's what I know. I need that same comfort. My daughter and I have a Saturday "movie night", something going back for the last year or so. My wife would always fall asleep in the first 30 minutes or less. Watching now is a still enjoyable and something I take advantage of when she has time for her old dad, but for me, it has a somber feel to it. Tonight was no different. After the movie and she went to bed, I sat and cried for a few minutes. Life changed, forever. Not over, but diminished in so many ways, and as a result, we are diminished. Getting back to "living" is so exhausting. 

 

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Posted

I have had the worst possible thing happen to me,  & I was in the middle of a dream of me trying to find my husband, I woke up screaming for him, I couldn't find him. But then I realized it was a dream. I think the storm woke me up, when that would happen when joe was here he'd wrap his arms around me and tell me it was going to be alright and not to worry. I miss that

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Posted

Awe, MrsViden, I'm sorry you had such a horrible dream.  I don't know the correct words to bring you comfort so I can only offer lots of cyber hugs.   

I hope you have made a cuppa and are keeping warm, in a place in your house where you feel most comfortable. 

Sending you strength and more hugs.  

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Posted

Mrsviden, Sometimes the dreams we have in the beginning of this tragedy are terrible. After my husband passed, I had the same dream of looking for him. I'd catch sight of him and when I tried to catch up, the scene would change and I would start over trying to catch up. Three different scenes in one dream. I woke up crying. All I wanted to do was catch up to him and stay with him.  I'm not meant to, not yet. Crying makes us stronger. Over time, you will still cry, as I do, but it will happen less and not as intense.

My husband taught me many things over the years and he was also my critic, just like Charles and Francine. My husband was also in the Air Force and knew to be a soldier when times got tough. He was stoic throughout his health conditions and I persevered right along with him. I have to be that soldier now, a widow warrior. I can do this, and so can you.

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Posted

Mrsviden, You've spent over half your life together, this is a huge adjustment.  You are trying though, that's about all we can do.  You are someone's day one girl, that is special.  Even death cannot rob us of that!  But it sure is hard not being able to be with them right now.

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14 hours ago, M88 said:

Awe, MrsViden, I'm sorry you had such a horrible dream.  I don't know the correct words to bring you comfort so I can only offer lots of cyber hugs.   

I hope you have made a cuppa and are keeping warm, in a place in your house where you feel most comfortable. 

Sending you strength and more hugs.  

Bad weather always makes it for a late night. I get so paranoid, especially now. I think about of tragedies happening, like a fire or tornado and what if I lost all the things that belonged to my husband. I'd be devastated, so when it rains and we are under warnings I freak out. I hope you are having a nice relaxing Sunday. 

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8 hours ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden, Sometimes the dreams we have in the beginning of this tragedy are terrible. After my husband passed, I had the same dream of looking for him. I'd catch sight of him and when I tried to catch up, the scene would change and I would start over trying to catch up. Three different scenes in one dream. I woke up crying. All I wanted to do was catch up to him and stay with him.  I'm not meant to, not yet. Crying makes us stronger. Over time, you will still cry, as I do, but it will happen less and not as intense.

My husband taught me many things over the years and he was also my critic, just like Charles and Francine. My husband was also in the Air Force and knew to be a soldier when times got tough. He was stoic throughout his health conditions and I persevered right along with him. I have to be that soldier now, a widow warrior. I can do this, and so can you.

I like that...widow wArrior, my husband was in the marines and you'd never know he had leukemia people would always say well you don't look sick. He never showed it bothered him until the very end. I guess now I'm trying to be that strong. 

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Mrsviden, You've spent over half your life together, this is a huge adjustment.  You are trying though, that's about all we can do.  You are someone's day one girl, that is special.  Even death cannot rob us of that!  But it sure is hard not being able to be with them right now.

Thank you KayC sometimes this is so overwhelming it's hard to remember that. 

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