Members Deepthi Posted April 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2017 Hi, My boyfriend recently commited suicide. He always use to say I will die if you don't marry me. I was scared for his behaviour and could not take a step forward to marry him because he use to threaten me. He loved me so much and finally I have decided to marry him. We planned to marry in the month of May.Suddenly one day he was fully drunk and fought with me. He texted me saying that I know you won't marry me and I am hanging myself. I did not believed him. He really commited suicide and I completely broke down. I have no idea why he did this and I still can't believe this..his family and friends are blaming me. Daily I am dying of extreme guilt( i could have done something to prevent suicide) and something is killing me from inside.. I am struggling a lot..any inputs from anyone would really help me..Please help!!! Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 24, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted April 24, 2017 I am so very sorry. Your BF was very troubled and you are in no way at fault for that. I hope you have some family and friends that ARE supportive, I would not choose to spend time right now with those who are attacking and unsupportive. What your BF did was try to emotionally manipulate you into doing what he wanted, and I'm sorry, that is never justified or right. There is a very good book called Emotional Blackmail that helped me in dealing with people like that, often it is those closest to us that try it. His suicide shows he was not happy with his life and felt unable to deal with it, it is not a reflection of you or your responses. We can only be responsible for our own choices, not others'. I do hope you'll seek some professional help to help you through this. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deepthi Posted April 24, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2017 Hello KayC, Thank you so much for your inputs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted April 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2017 I am deeply sorry for your loss and all that you had/have to endure. Life can be so cruel and unfair. The circumstance of what your boyfriend chose to do to end his emotional/mental suffering was his choice. It has no bearing on you personally what so ever. Unfortunately, he had issues before you met and he used you as an excuse in lieu of seeking help for himself. His family and friends have no right blaming you. You do not need that extra burden so I would advise staying away from them. They are most likely carrying their own burden of guilt because they, themselves , know how troubled he was and should have been helping him to seek professional help.Do not let them use you as their scapegoat to try to ease their own guilt and grieving. You could not have prevented his suicide. When people make that final choice, nothing can stop them from fulfilling it. I wish you prayers of comfort and peace. Please keep posting when you feel the need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KavitaHubby Posted April 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2017 I am so sorry for your loss. There was nothing you could have done as it was his choice so please don't feel guilty. I know it is easy to say as sometimes after almost 9 months I feel guilty of not doing certain things as she wanted or not cancelling the doc appt that day. It was his emotional disbalance which was responsible for what happened. You will be in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted April 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2017 8 hours ago, Deepthi said: Hi, My boyfriend recently commited suicide. He always use to say I will die if you don't marry me. I was scared for his behaviour and could not take a step forward to marry him because he use to threaten me. He loved me so much and finally I have decided to marry him. We planned to marry in the month of May.Suddenly one day he was fully drunk and fought with me. He texted me saying that I know you won't marry me and I am hanging myself. I did not believed him. He really commited suicide and I completely broke down. I have no idea why he did this and I still can't believe this..his family and friends are blaming me. Daily I am dying of extreme guilt( i could have done something to prevent suicide) and something is killing me from inside.. I am struggling a lot..any inputs from anyone would really help me..Please help!!! Thank you. I am sorry for your loss and know the pain you must be going through. Loss from suicide is like no other loss, and there’s no time limit for grieving. Suicide leaves those who are touched by it with a unique kind of grief filled with unanswered questions, stigma from those who don’t understand, and sometimes immense guilt. I don't think a person ever truly gets ‘over’ a suicide loss. You get through it. Day by day. Sometimes it’s moment by moment. Allow yourself time to process it all and grieve. We all grieve in our own time in our own way. If you have not already done so, talk to someone, anyone; just please reach out and speak up. The most helpful thing for me was being part of a support group. Through that support I learned to honor my husband's life and the wonderful person he was by sharing stories. Continue to live your life, know that it’s OK to smile again. Don’t ever be ashamed or let anyone make you feel ashamed. Know that his suicide was not your fault; you can't save people; only love them. I can only imagine the pain mixed with guilt, anger, and regret makes for a bitter drink, the taste of which may take months or even years to wash out of your mouth. It is unfortunate that his family and friends are blaming you. It's easier for some people to blame others so they don't feel guilty about things they should have or tried to do. Sometimes friends and family remind me of birds - if you hang out with chickens you're going to cluck; but if you hang out with eagles, you're going to fly. For them to literally blame you, in my opinion, you've been hanging with the chickens. One day you’ll wake up and things won’t hurt as bad. You’ll be able to remember the good things about your friend and not just the end. For me, that’s when I knew I realize I was beginning to heal. One thing I've learned is, however I decided to grieve is the right way for me. Everyone’s different. Be patient with yourself. One day you’ll be able to celebrate the life and not focus on the method of his death. Please, please, just be patient. The best piece of advice I got was, ‘Once you accept that many, if not most, of your questions will never be answered now at this time, you can start to move forward. You will survive, and you will find purpose in the chaos. Moving on doesn’t mean letting go. The ‘ton of bricks’ that are thrust upon your shoulders by a loved ones’ suicide never goes away; but guess what, you do get stronger shoulders. I do hope you continue to post here. We are all on this journey at this place, at this time to uplift, comfort encourage and last, but not least, learn from one another. God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Cat Posted April 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2017 I am very sorry for your loss. My fiancé passed 4 wks ago today and like you i have been feeling a ton of guilt. The assumption is that it was an overdose but that wont be confirmed for months. I had been arguing with him that day and for a couple of weeks priorities because i just knew that he had started using again. I have been trying to talk to a few people that knew both of us but have not yet seen therapist, i think its too soon for that still. His mother actually told me that i was too hard on him and i know it was because she didn't want to face the things that she did both when she was a child and more recently as well. I was doing everything and it did hurt my feeling when she said that because i was taking care of everything! It does help to hear that i really couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened and i want you to hear that it really was not your fault. I do understand the feeling though and i am hoping that eventually we will both realize that we can't control what someone else does. I just wanted you to know that i do understand what you are going through and i will keep you in my prayers... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ashleyash Posted April 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2017 I am so sorry for your loss. You are in no way responsible for your boyfriend's suicide, he chose to end his life. He was suffering from a mental disease, there's nothing you could have done to prevent his suicide. Try to stay away from his family and friends who are blaming you. You need to be around people who are supportive and compassionate. Please let go off the guilt, we all have a tendency to blame ourselves after we lose a loved one. I recently lost my husband to addiction and am blaming myself too. But, I know better, there's nothing I could have done to save him. Please, try to take it easy on yourself. Make sure you eat and get plenty of sleep. Prayers and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deepthi Posted April 25, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 25, 2017 Thank you all for your kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deepthi Posted April 27, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2017 On 4/25/2017 at 3:03 AM, Ashleyash said: I am so sorry for your loss. You are in no way responsible for your boyfriend's suicide, he chose to end his life. He was suffering from a mental disease, there's nothing you could have done to prevent his suicide. Try to stay away from his family and friends who are blaming you. You need to be around people who are supportive and compassionate. Please let go off the guilt, we all have a tendency to blame ourselves after we lose a loved one. I recently lost my husband to addiction and am blaming myself too. But, I know better, there's nothing I could have done to save him. Please, try to take it easy on yourself. Make sure you eat and get plenty of sleep. Prayers and hugs. On 4/25/2017 at 2:30 AM, Cat said: I am very sorry for your loss. My fiancé passed 4 wks ago today and like you i have been feeling a ton of guilt. The assumption is that it was an overdose but that wont be confirmed for months. I had been arguing with him that day and for a couple of weeks priorities because i just knew that he had started using again. I have been trying to talk to a few people that knew both of us but have not yet seen therapist, i think its too soon for that still. His mother actually told me that i was too hard on him and i know it was because she didn't want to face the things that she did both when she was a child and more recently as well. I was doing everything and it did hurt my feeling when she said that because i was taking care of everything! It does help to hear that i really couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened and i want you to hear that it really was not your fault. I do understand the feeling though and i am hoping that eventually we will both realize that we can't control what someone else does. I just wanted you to know that i do understand what you are going through and i will keep you in my prayers... Hi Cat, I am very sorry for your loss. It's been three weeks since my boy friend passed away but I'm going through lot of pain(which is un bearable) right now than first week. I feel like I can't live any more. Why it's happening to me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deepthi Posted April 27, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2017 On 4/25/2017 at 2:11 AM, Francine said: I am sorry for your loss and know the pain you must be going through. Loss from suicide is like no other loss, and there’s no time limit for grieving. Suicide leaves those who are touched by it with a unique kind of grief filled with unanswered questions, stigma from those who don’t understand, and sometimes immense guilt. I don't think a person ever truly gets ‘over’ a suicide loss. You get through it. Day by day. Sometimes it’s moment by moment. Allow yourself time to process it all and grieve. We all grieve in our own time in our own way. If you have not already done so, talk to someone, anyone; just please reach out and speak up. The most helpful thing for me was being part of a support group. Through that support I learned to honor my husband's life and the wonderful person he was by sharing stories. Continue to live your life, know that it’s OK to smile again. Don’t ever be ashamed or let anyone make you feel ashamed. Know that his suicide was not your fault; you can't save people; only love them. I can only imagine the pain mixed with guilt, anger, and regret makes for a bitter drink, the taste of which may take months or even years to wash out of your mouth. It is unfortunate that his family and friends are blaming you. It's easier for some people to blame others so they don't feel guilty about things they should have or tried to do. Sometimes friends and family remind me of birds - if you hang out with chickens you're going to cluck; but if you hang out with eagles, you're going to fly. For them to literally blame you, in my opinion, you've been hanging with the chickens. One day you’ll wake up and things won’t hurt as bad. You’ll be able to remember the good things about your friend and not just the end. For me, that’s when I knew I realize I was beginning to heal. One thing I've learned is, however I decided to grieve is the right way for me. Everyone’s different. Be patient with yourself. One day you’ll be able to celebrate the life and not focus on the method of his death. Please, please, just be patient. The best piece of advice I got was, ‘Once you accept that many, if not most, of your questions will never be answered now at this time, you can start to move forward. You will survive, and you will find purpose in the chaos. Moving on doesn’t mean letting go. The ‘ton of bricks’ that are thrust upon your shoulders by a loved ones’ suicide never goes away; but guess what, you do get stronger shoulders. I do hope you continue to post here. We are all on this journey at this place, at this time to uplift, comfort encourage and last, but not least, learn from one another. God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. On 4/25/2017 at 2:11 AM, Francine said: I am sorry for your loss and know the pain you must be going through. Loss from suicide is like no other loss, and there’s no time limit for grieving. Suicide leaves those who are touched by it with a unique kind of grief filled with unanswered questions, stigma from those who don’t understand, and sometimes immense guilt. I don't think a person ever truly gets ‘over’ a suicide loss. You get through it. Day by day. Sometimes it’s moment by moment. Allow yourself time to process it all and grieve. We all grieve in our own time in our own way. If you have not already done so, talk to someone, anyone; just please reach out and speak up. The most helpful thing for me was being part of a support group. Through that support I learned to honor my husband's life and the wonderful person he was by sharing stories. Continue to live your life, know that it’s OK to smile again. Don’t ever be ashamed or let anyone make you feel ashamed. Know that his suicide was not your fault; you can't save people; only love them. I can only imagine the pain mixed with guilt, anger, and regret makes for a bitter drink, the taste of which may take months or even years to wash out of your mouth. It is unfortunate that his family and friends are blaming you. It's easier for some people to blame others so they don't feel guilty about things they should have or tried to do. Sometimes friends and family remind me of birds - if you hang out with chickens you're going to cluck; but if you hang out with eagles, you're going to fly. For them to literally blame you, in my opinion, you've been hanging with the chickens. One day you’ll wake up and things won’t hurt as bad. You’ll be able to remember the good things about your friend and not just the end. For me, that’s when I knew I realize I was beginning to heal. One thing I've learned is, however I decided to grieve is the right way for me. Everyone’s different. Be patient with yourself. One day you’ll be able to celebrate the life and not focus on the method of his death. Please, please, just be patient. The best piece of advice I got was, ‘Once you accept that many, if not most, of your questions will never be answered now at this time, you can start to move forward. You will survive, and you will find purpose in the chaos. Moving on doesn’t mean letting go. The ‘ton of bricks’ that are thrust upon your shoulders by a loved ones’ suicide never goes away; but guess what, you do get stronger shoulders. I do hope you continue to post here. We are all on this journey at this place, at this time to uplift, comfort encourage and last, but not least, learn from one another. God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. Hi Francine, Thank you for your kind words. It's been three weeks since my fiancé passed away. I am feeling a lot of pain now than first week. which is un bearable and I feel I can't live any more. As you said the pain decreases day by day but I feel the pain is increasing every day and I'm loosing intrest in my life. What to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 27, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted April 27, 2017 Wishing for you peace. Sometimes it feels worse before better and that may be what you're experiencing. You ask what to do. Take one day at a time. Today is enough! The Bible says today has enough trouble of it's own, I think it's right. Tell yourself you just have to do today. Then tomorrow get up and do one more. Look for and learn to appreciate what good there is in life. I know, quite a stretch, right?! I started practicing this 11 days out and some days was hard to think of anything good. I'm not talking about big things, just even a little kindness. Someone calling you, someone letting you merge in traffic, someone holding the door open for you. Seeing a deer, or a sunset. Unexpected money when you need it. Grasp that bit of good, and let yourself feel it and appreciate it. The practice of doing this is called mindful presence and changes our focus from negativity to that of anticipation. It changes us. Memorialize him in some way. Maybe put together a collage of pictures. Some people feel comforted having a shrine of some sorts in their home. I had one for a while. Not to worship or anything, but a sort of memory corner, something honoring him. I still have his dish where he threw his trinkets at the end of the day, his watch, etc. Talk to him. It's okay, no one is going to haul you away. If they were, they would have gotten me years ago. Who knows but what he's listening. Keep posting here. We're listening. It helps to know you're heard by those that understand. Get out around people, don't isolate too much, even if you don't see the point. Volunteering has helped a lot of people get out of themselves and have different perspective on life. Helping in a soup kitchen, walking dogs, etc. It's common in grieving to lose interest in life. It's very much like depression. If you continue feeling that way, make an appointment with your doctor. It's okay to get help, we can all use it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted April 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2017 7 hours ago, Deepthi said: I am feeling a lot of pain now than first week. which is un bearable and I feel I can't live any more. As you said the pain decreases day by day but I feel the pain is increasing every day and I'm loosing interest in my life. What to do? Nothing ever prepares you or such a loss. When I first lost my husband, it too felt as if the hurt and pain was never going away and it was actually getting worse. I was always crying and the hurt I felt was so penetrating, my entire insides felt as if they were being twisted; the pain too intense that I literally was bent over clutching my stomach. When does the pain go away? Honestly I don't think it ever does; it just gets a little easier to deal with. What to do? Exactly what you are doing now - taking it one moment at a time; one step at a time, one day at a time; one month at a time........ believe you can get through this, and you will; breathe, cry, and for some of us,pray. It is within yourself that you will find the strength you need - you have the power all alone. Stay Strong and be Blessed. God has put us here at the time and place to encourage, comfort and uplift one another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Cat Posted April 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2017 My fiancé passed away 3/27 and it is definitely harder some days. I returned to work last week and the last couple days when people ask how i am doing i have been saying just faking it. Its true and i dont want to say good because i am not! I work in an office and i am around people all day and its not the easiest thing to do going through this. I cant even look at his pictures because its just too hard for me, i just keep thinking that he should be here with me and he looked so happy in the pictures and i find myself questioning if he meant to kill himself or if it was an accident and i will truly never know. That is one of the hardest things is to never get the answer to that. It helps to work and at least have a distraction and to try and spend some time with people that are supportive but i also find that at times i just want to be alone and be sad and cry. I spent last weekend at home because it is exhausting to have to work and pretend to be ok when i really am not. I do wonder if i will just ever be ok and content. I go back and forth being sad and angry with him for making choices that he knew may end up in him leaving me here alone and i literally begged him to not leave me here alone and he promised he wouldn't. I definitely understand what you are feeling. It really is one day at a time and i have to keep reminding myself about that every single day. Take care of yourself, i am praying for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members yuyu Posted April 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2017 Hi Deepthi, So sorry for your loss. I know the pain, your pain means that you really love your boyfriend. This is what we have to carry in our hearts. This is only the way we can push forward in our lives, please don't think that this is the end. Family and friends will really help in this stage. I will pray for you and the soul of your boyfriend, may he rest in peace. take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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