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Lost of my husband best friend


Lonely spouse

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Lonely spouse

Hello I am new here this is my first time in a grieving session. I just don't know where to start. I lost my husband my best friend my hero my guardian angel  on the 5th of March. One day after his birthday. I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. People are pushing me to make decisions about the stuff he left. I was forced to move out of our rental house. We were going to move we had a fixer upper but he didn't get to fix it up so I can't move in it.  Plus I feel like it's my fault my husband passed like God is punishing me 4 something. Or if I would of just did some thing different Don would still be here with me and his family and friends. I keep asking myself why did God call him home so soon. Why can't I let go?

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I am sorry for your loss...OMG, how can people tell you to get over it, it's been such a short time it's hardly enough time to sink in, let alone adjust!  Of course you are wearing his clothes, it helps you feel closer to him!  I'm sorry your plans for where you were going to live aren't able to work out.  It may feel like God is punishing you, but He is not.  We don't know why some die and others live, it seems rather random to me, I haven't found any answers to "why" so stopped asking why and instead, "now what?".  You can't let go because it takes a lot of time and effort to process death of the person you love most in the world.  Please don't listen to people that haven't been through it, they don't get it, they can't possibly know and understand how you're feeling, what you're going through.  You've found a safe place to be, the people here DO get it, we're all walking this journey together.

It's common to feel guilt afterwards, it's part of the grief talking, but we have nothing to feel guilty about, the truth is we would have done anything for them, we love them with all our hearts, and all of our bad feelings don't tie us to them, our love does.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

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Lonely spouse,  What is wrong about wearing your husband's clothes? Not a darn thing wrong about it. Wear them forever if you want. Your husband is smiling at you from Heaven in whatever way you choose to remember and honor him. I'm so sorry that he left you early in this life. It is unfair. Do not listen to others who have no understanding of this type of loss. They have never experienced it and have no clue how truly devastated we feel. Our hearts are broken and our lives as we knew it, completely shattered. This is your journey. Travel on it the way that you need to for yourself. A month is not long enough to *get over it*. There is no getting over it. Over time, we eventually learn to adjust and live with our loss. I don't feel that there is no *letting go*. We carry our love and memories forever in our hearts. There is no time frame or rules for grieving. Do it your way, that is all that matters. Prayers and hugs.

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Lonely spouse

Thanks everyone finally some body which understands  I have people say oh I understand but they haven't been through it. We had so many plans together and now there all gone.  I want to be mad about God  but I know I can't I promised my husband I wouldn't get mad at GOD. I know God had a reason to call Don home. I know God answers prayers cause Don kept praying God if I will not get any better and I will only get worst please take me home so I won't suffer. But didn't God realize how much his family friends & I would suffer? Or am I just being selfish  like people say I am? Don was my hero my strength I just don't know how to make it without him.

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Lonely spouse, You are NOT being selfish. Block out what other people say. They have no idea what it is truly like in losing a spouse. We lose that special person from our life, we lose our life as we knew it, we lose ourselves, so many losses of other things that we discover down the road. Avoid the people who don't think before they speak. Insensitivity and critical judgement should not be allowed during this tragedy we are enduring. True friends will support you. Even just a hug from someone is better than words that are spoken wrong.

God heard Don's prayers and answered them. God also knows our pain and suffering and will send us love, comfort and strength. We will be reunited with our spouses in God's timing.  Everything that Don gave you, his love, his strength, his faith, use those unselfish gifts to draw from and help you recover along with God's love and the unfolding plan He has for you yet. (HUGS)

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Lonely spouse, "I just don't know how to make it without him." I understand and I will pass on the best piece of advice I got from a cousin that had lost his wife years earlier.  " Get out of bed" 

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17 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Hello I am new here this is my first time in a grieving session. I just don't know where to start. I lost my husband my best friend my hero my guardian angel  on the 5th of March. One day after his birthday. I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. People are pushing me to make decisions about the stuff he left. I was forced to move out of our rental house. We were going to move we had a fixer upper but he didn't get to fix it up so I can't move in it.  Plus I feel like it's my fault my husband passed like God is punishing me 4 something. Or if I would of just did some thing different Don would still be here with me and his family and friends. I keep asking myself why did God call him home so soon. Why can't I let go?

Lonely Spouse  -  I am so sorry for your loss and what a fitting title you've given yourself (Lonely Spouse) - I am one also.  I know the pain you're experiencing and the hurt you're feeling -  especially losing him the day after this birthday.  You're depressed and it comes with the territory and is expected.  Expect to have all kinds of emotions, after all, you just lost your (how did you described him) best friend, your guardian angel, the man you shared your life with, the man you planned to grow old with, your heart, your everything.  I know first hand how overwhelmingly painful that is. I lost the love of my life, my heart of 45 years a little over 4 months ago, and still have unbearable pain.

I lost my Charles in December and some days that followed his death were sunny and bright.   I thought, how could it shine like that when I was in so much pain, when my insides felt like they were turned outsides and I was in despair.  How could life continue it steady progress in coming and going.  How could people prepare themselves for the holidays, laughing and being merry when my heart was broken. As my grief continued, the more I felt that things would never get better.   But they will; maybe not better, but tolerable.  I know we never get over a great loss, as a death of a spouse; I think we absorb them; and they carve us into a different, perhaps kinder person.  Although I can no longer see my Charles with my eyes, touch him with my hands, I know I will feel him in my heart forever.   I believe sometime we aren't meant to 'get over' someone we love, and we go on living a little bit emptier.   Search your soul - you can let go and let God!

People  who tell you go *get over* the lost of a loved one has probably never lost someone so near and dear to them.  I honestly feel people shouldn't tell others to *get over* their loss; but rather ask how they could help them get through it.    I'm sorry you had to move out of your house, but don't let anyone rush you on making decision that will affect you later.  You'll know in your heart when that time comes - no rush.

Finally, I too thought God had abandoned me in my time of grief; HE hadn't.  HE isn't punishing you, HE is preparing you. Trust HIS plans not your pain.  I hope you continue to post; God has brought us here at this time and place for a reason.  To uplift one another, definitely; but more than that - maybe to learn from each other; to learn that we need one another.   God bless you and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

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Lonely spouse

Thank you Francine for your kind words I wasn't with Don for 45 years I would of loved that we were only married for 3 years would of been 4 this 22 of September. But we meet 5 years ago. In 2012 he said it was love at first site.  What made me fall in love with him was his loving personality and his kindness to people and animals and his Love for God. I swear he was my guardian angel sent to me from GOD. It's like God knew  I needed someone I could love and trust in my life and he sent me Don. I don't understand why the sun shines I know it's been cloudy and raining seems like sense Don has passed . I just can't stop blaming myself for his passing . The what it's keep popping up in my head just like they did when my dad passed Don was there 4 me he was always there for anyone who needed him no matter what I just get so sad when I go to a store and see his favorite drink or snack and when I see people holding hands in a store I get so jealous and ask myself why do they have to do that in front of me  why is that person's best friend still here and my isn't why am I alone.  It's not fair.  I know the people don't know my situation but I sometimes feel like they are holding hands in front of me to make me sad. I guess I am just jealous cause they are happy and I was them at one time. Will it ever be the same will it ever be ok to laugh or smile again. I know Don told me he wanted me to be ok but how without my strength and guardian angel next to me? Am I  selfish 4 wanting him here with me even know I know he was hurting? How do i go on  without him . I just see something to reminds me of Don or someone starts talking about him and I start crying.its just to hard why Does God take the people we love away from us? Is he punishing me for something I did and I don't remember what I did so bad.

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No you're not selfish, you're human, we all are and we all want them here with us.

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I too have those jealous moments as well; seeing couples hand in hand; smiling at one another; loving one another - that was me, unfortunately never again - not on this earth :(

17 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I swear he was my guardian angel sent to me from GOD. It's like God knew  I needed someone I could love and trust in my life and he sent me Don.

He was and still is - the only difference is you can't see him because he is in spirit form.  God is such an amazing God - HE doesn't give us the people we want, HE gives us the people we need; to help us, to sometimes hurt us; to leave us, to love us and to make us the person we were meant to be - they're are angels - in your case, your Don. 

17 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I know Don told me he wanted me to be ok but how without my strength and guardian angel next to me? Am I  selfish 4 wanting him here with me even know I know he was hurting? How do i go on  without him . I just see something to reminds me of Don or someone starts talking about him and I start crying.its just to hard why Does God take the people we love away from us? Is he punishing me for something I did and I don't remember what I did so bad.

You are not being selfish - we're human and want what makes us happy; Don made you happy, Charles made me happy; it's only natural we want them by our sides.  May it bring you comfort in knowing that your days are filled with wonderful memories of the strongest, sweetest, awesome, and most loving  man you  ever knew.   I can't say what life has in store for you without your Don, and yes, you will cry many many more tears; you've seen your descent, but, with God, you will watch your rising.

God is not punishing you, HE is preparing you; as difficult as it may appear right now, trust HIS plan, not your pain. You may not  know what tomorrow holds, but you know who holds your tomorrow - God Almighty.  We will all persevere...if we so choose, but not without a God who can bring much peace to your our very souls. Blessings.

 

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Lonely Spouse,

I think we here have all shed your tears, asked your questions, lived your sorrow, and unfortunately, we still do, to one degree or another. 

I'm so, so sorry, your loss is so deep and painful, this journey you've just begun is full of sadness and sorrow. I'm happy you've stumbled (was led) upon this site, it's given me a wealth of comfort, healing and understanding. The wonderful people here are full of love and compassion, and here, you'll never be alone. 

Don't pay any attention to the blissfully ignorant, this is a world none can comprehend unless they live in it. Don't pay any attention to those offering nonsensical advice, unless they've lost the love of their life, they have no wisdom. Don't pay any attention to the cold, the callous, the well wishers, they offer nothing of value. You owe no one an explanation, only you know how you feel, only you find meaning in the things you do. They don't know any better. This journey is difficult enough without the unthinking comments of morons. I've let people drift away since my wife passed, I've found that I have only a very few people in my life that I can call "true". I have more "connections" here than I do in my day to day life, and I call that a blessing. My wife passed New Year's Eve 2016, and I miss her everyday. I think about her around the clock, I "talk" to her constantly. I wear her wedding band on a leather cord around my neck, with mine. I text her phone, I listen to her voice mail, I cry when I get mail addresses to her. And you know who cares? Me. That's all that matters. You wear his clothes, you clutch his photos or his pillow, you converse with him, listen for a casual reply of comfort or calm, you love him, you did, no one knows how you loved him, no gets to tell you how to mourn him. No. One. He is yours, you are his, it's your journey, do as you see fit, but take care of yourself, please. That's the only "rule". You don't have to be strong, it's ok to be weak, it's ok to not know what to do, it's ok to be angry at God, He understands and you're forgiven before you even think or speak, it's ok to sob, to cry, to curse, to forgive, to sleep, but take care, ok? Breathe, plenty of water, rest, be alive. 

May you find peace, comfort and I'm praying for you, thinking of you, 

Andy

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Lonely spouse
3 hours ago, Andy said:

Lonely Spouse,

I think we here have all shed your tears, asked your questions, lived your sorrow, and unfortunately, we still do, to one degree or another. 

I'm so, so sorry, your loss is so deep and painful, this journey you've just begun is full of sadness and sorrow. I'm happy you've stumbled (was led) upon this site, it's given me a wealth of comfort, healing and understanding. The wonderful people here are full of love and compassion, and here, you'll never be alone. 

Don't pay any attention to the blissfully ignorant, this is a world none can comprehend unless they live in it. Don't pay any attention to those offering nonsensical advice, unless they've lost the love of their life, they have no wisdom. Don't pay any attention to the cold, the callous, the well wishers, they offer nothing of value. You owe no one an explanation, only you know how you feel, only you find meaning in the things you do. They don't know any better. This journey is difficult enough without the unthinking comments of morons. I've let people drift away since my wife passed, I've found that I have only a very few people in my life that I can call "true". I have more "connections" here than I do in my day to day life, and I call that a blessing. My wife passed New Year's Eve 2016, and I miss her everyday. I think about her around the clock, I "talk" to her constantly. I wear her wedding band on a leather cord around my neck, with mine. I text her phone, I listen to her voice mail, I cry when I get mail addresses to her. And you know who cares? Me. That's all that matters. You wear his clothes, you clutch his photos or his pillow, you converse with him, listen for a casual reply of comfort or calm, you love him, you did, no one knows how you loved him, no gets to tell you how to mourn him. No. One. He is yours, you are his, it's your journey, do as you see fit, but take care of yourself, please. That's the only "rule". You don't have to be strong, it's ok to be weak, it's ok to not know what to do, it's ok to be angry at God, He understands and you're forgiven before you even think or speak, it's ok to sob, to cry, to curse, to forgive, to sleep, but take care, ok? Breathe, plenty of water, rest, be alive. 

May you find peace, comfort and I'm praying for you, thinking of you, 

Andy

Thank u Andy I am so so sorry u l9st ur wife. I KNOW THERE ARE NO WORDS THAT CAN MAKE U FEEL BETTER I Just don't understand why God put people in our life just to take them away? I can't be mad at GOD I made a promise to Don I wouldn't get mad or upset with God 4 taking Don home. But I have to admit I have been mad at the world. I have been wanting to give up but I can't I promised Don I wouldn't give up I promised him I would be strong and take care of our fur babies. They are what keeps me going.  I keep talking to God and Don asking him to please help me get through the day and please give me a sign ur ok  I know he was hurting but never told me how bad. He just never wanted me to worry about him. I was so sad today when I drove by out old house we rented 4 a long time and seen someone else in it I just stopped the car and started crying specially when I seen a light on in the bedroom and someone else's car in the drive way. It hurt me so bad then someone today call and when they mentioned his name is lost it. Like I am doing now. I keep all his cloths belts his Packer shirts and hats and I am not a Packer fan but I am wearing them now. I can hear Donny laughing telling my dad wow she is wearing Packer stuff and doing it to respect me I know he is so happy and laughing so hard. I just wish he was here with me in the flesh I have tried to give up but I can't I can't break my promise to my husband. I love him to much.

 

Thank you Francine for your kind words I wasn't with Don for 45 years I would of loved that we were only married for 3 years would of been 4 this 22 of September. But we meet 5 years ago. In 2012 he said it was love at first site.  What made me fall in love with him was his loving personality and his kindness to people and animals and his Love for God. I swear he was my guardian angel sent to me from GOD. It's like God knew  I needed someone I could love and trust in my life and he sent me Don. I don't understand why the sun shines I know it's been cloudy and raining seems like sense Don has passed . I just can't stop blaming myself for his passing . The what it's keep popping up in my head just like they did when my dad passed Don was there 4 me he was always there for anyone who needed him no matter what I just get so sad when I go to a store and see his favorite drink or snack and when I see people holding hands in a store I get so jealous and ask myself why do they have to do that in front of me  why is that person's best friend still here and my isn't why am I alone.  It's not fair.  I know the people don't know my situation but I sometimes feel like they are holding hands in front of me to make me sad. I guess I am just jealous cause they are happy and I was them at one time. Will it ever be the same will it ever be ok to laugh or smile again. I know Don told me he wanted me to be ok but how without my strength and guardian angel next to me? Am I  selfish 4 wanting him here with me even know I know he was hurting? How do i go on  without him . I just see something to reminds me of Don or someone starts talking about him and I start crying.its just to hard why Does God take the people we love away from us? Is he punishing me for something I did and I don't remember what I did so bad.

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Lonely Spouse, 

i understand. It's ok to be angry at who or what we want. There doesn't have to be much rationale behind it, nothing we feel right now IS rational.

I don't think God puts people in positions to just hurt someone. As I've stated elsewhere, we will all be gone at some point, nobody gets out of life alive. Yes, you should've had many more years together, not at all conceivable that you should be mourning him. 

You won't give up, you won't ever stop trying, you're going to make it. For your husband, family, for yourself. Keep close your faith and go moment to moment. 

I assure you, Don is laughing and smiling and filled with understanding. He watches you, he listens to you, he wants you happy. 

Peace and love,

Andy

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Lonely spouse
On Thursday, April 20, 2017 at 2:50 PM, KMB said:

Lonely spouse, You are NOT being selfish. Block out what other people say. They have no idea what it is truly like in losing a spouse. We lose that special person from our life, we lose our life as we knew it, we lose ourselves, so many losses of other things that we discover down the road. Avoid the people who don't think before they speak. Insensitivity and critical judgement should not be allowed during this tragedy we are enduring. True friends will support you. Even just a hug from someone is better than words that are spoken wrong.

God heard Don's prayers and answered them. God also knows our pain and suffering and will send us love, comfort and strength. We will be reunited with our spouses in God's timing.  Everything that Don gave you, his love, his strength, his faith, use those unselfish gifts to draw from and help you recover along with God's love and the unfolding plan He has for you yet. (HUGS)

Thank you KMB those words are so encouraging and I think the best I have heard. I have been thinking about everything bad but I do need to know Don did give me his love and strength and his faith I got to be unselfish 4 him . I was told God doesn't give us more than we can handle  but it sure seems like he did.

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juliethemuse

Thats not selfish. I wear my husbands clothes . I have on some of his jewellery. his wheelchair is in the bedroom. I will NEVER be able to let go.

If I'm honest I am angry with god. He answered my prayers not to let my husband suffer any longer but he wont answer my prayers to be taken also.

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9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I was told God doesn't give us more than we can handle  but it sure seems like he did.

If this was so, people wouldn't commit suicide.  That verse is taken out of context,  the way it gets relayed it sounds like we're failures if we feel we're in over our heads and that just is not the case.  The verse in question, 1 Corinthians 10:13, is actually referring to temptation, not handling the trials of life and certainly not in dealing with loss and grief.  When Jesus encountered loss, he cried. God understands we need His help going through life and He avails Himself to us, I could not make it through life without His aid.

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juliethemuse, it is alright to be angry with God. He understands, is all forgiving and loving. Anger is born out of pain and fear. A byproduct, if you will, of suffering. We are suffering a horrible blow of losing someone who meant the world to us, was our world. I prayed also for my husband to be relieved of his suffering. I wasn't expecting the answer I got. I was expecting a medical miracle to present itself and it didn't happen. God does know what He is doing and it took me awhile to be accepting and reinstilling my faith. I still wrestle with my faith now and then, usually when I hit a low. Those lows come as a reminder to keep my faith. That God still loves me and I need to travel this road alone for awhile until God reunites me with my husband in His good timing.

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On 4/19/2017 at 10:24 PM, Lonely spouse said:

Hello I am new here this is my first time in a grieving session. I just don't know where to start. I lost my husband my best friend my hero my guardian angel  on the 5th of March. One day after his birthday. I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. People are pushing me to make decisions about the stuff he left. I was forced to move out of our rental house. We were going to move we had a fixer upper but he didn't get to fix it up so I can't move in it.  Plus I feel like it's my fault my husband passed like God is punishing me 4 something. Or if I would of just did some thing different Don would still be here with me and his family and friends. I keep asking myself why did God call him home so soon. Why can't I let go?

I am so sorry for your loss.  Don't let other people influence you as to what you need.  If wearing your spouse's t-shirts and hats brings you comfort, then continue to wear them.  No-one gets to decide what you need or don't need.  Only, you get to choose what you need.  And the people telling you to get over it are completely wrong.  Grief doesn't  have a time table, you just recently lost your husband.  You need time to digest everything.  Please don't let anyone else rush your grieving process.  Grieving is a painful journey but it's something we need to do to heal.

May God give you peace and comfort.

 

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Lonely spouse

Wow u really do understand I want to be mad at GOD  BUT I promised my husband no matter what I wouldn't be mad at GOD cause he was only answering his prayers but I was a lot disappointed in God cause I thought he was being me and punishing me 4 something I did wrong by taking my husband best friend away. I couldn't and still don't understand why God gives us our true love only to take them away.  I thought God was being selfish. I did pray for God to make him stop hurting  but I was thinking give him medicine  not take him home. I guess God  needed him and thought his angel had finished his assignment down here.  I just feel like God let me down but I know he didn't it's just me

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1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

Wow u really do understand I want to be mad at GOD  BUT I promised my husband no matter what I wouldn't be mad at GOD cause he was only answering his prayers but I was a lot disappointed in God cause I thought he was being me and punishing me 4 something I did wrong by taking my husband best friend away. I couldn't and still don't understand why God gives us our true love only to take them away.  I thought God was being selfish. I did pray for God to make him stop hurting  but I was thinking give him medicine  not take him home. I guess God  needed him and thought his angel had finished his assignment down here.  I just feel like God let me down but I know he didn't it's just me

It's how you feel. Nothing makes sense, and right now, nothing has to. Your world was shaken to its core, anger is a part of this miserable world we're in now. Anger, guilt, confusion, loneliness, they all show up sooner or later, sometimes all at once, but they come. You aren't being punished, I don't believe I was being punished, nor my daughter or KayC or KMB or AceBasin or anyone here, it's just a terrible part of our existence. I would drive myself insane trying to reason the "why" in all this if I kept at it. I stopped. I had to trust that things were okay, or going to be okay. Now, I don't like it, not one bit, it has burned my life down to the ground, piles of ashes all that's left. I hate this. Yet I still believe things are in some "order", just because I can't see or understand it, it doesn't diminish my sense of comfort as to my wife's whereabouts or condition. 

I still cry, I still hurt, I'm still alone and I miss her everyday, and I want her back, I want to hold her once again, but I can't. Not yet. 

Hang in there Lonely Spouse, breathe and take this moment by moment. Bless you and may you find peace,

Andy

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Lonely spouse,

It is how you feel and there's nothing inherently wrong with our feelings, they're just there and we have to deal with them, but they aren't a good barometer of anything and aren't always truth or reality based.  I don't think God took my husband to get back at me or to be mean, rather I think that death happens rather randomly.  Some people think God controls everything like a puppeteer but I don't think so, we have free reign, we make our own choices, and some stuff is random, we're born with the set of genes we got, and we make our odds better or worse by how we live, what we eat, etc.  Accidents happen randomly, no one to blame but inattentive and drunk drivers.  But everything everyone does affects not only themselves but sometimes others.  I quit asking why, it does no good to blame, it just is what it is, but living with it is the hard part.

I'm glad you've found your way here, we're all dealing with the aftermath, but I'm glad we have each other to go through this together.

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An excellent short book, which I and others here highly recommend is : A Grief Observed,  by C. S. Lewis.  He is one of the best popular Christian writers in the past 100 years, but is not preachy or sappy.

Lewis lost his wife, and what he expresses so well in this very short work is what we are all feeling.

I sincerely believe that this book will greatly help with your current questions.

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I agree with your assessment, C S Lewis gives a very authentic and heartfelt account of his experience.

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Lonely spouse

Wow u really do understand I want to be mad at GOD  BUT I promised my husband no matter what I wouldn't be mad at GOD cause he was only answering his prayers but I was a lot disappointed in God cause I thought he was being me and punishing me 4 something I did wrong by taking my husband best friend away. I couldn't and still don't understand why God gives us our true love only to take them away.  I thought God was being selfish. I did pray for God to make him stop hurting  but I was thinking give him medicine  not take him home. I guess God  needed him and thought his angel had finished his assignment down here.  I just feel like God let me down but I know he didn't it's just me

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Lonely spouse

OThanks 4 the advice about the book. But I just don't think anyone can ever answer my questions. I guess I just have to realize that no one but God knows the answers. God knows if he was punishing me or not when he called Don home to him

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Lonely spouse, God does not punish. The God I know is all loving. He knows our suffering here. He knows this life is not easy. Your Don was suffering. His life work was done and God showed mercy in His wisdom and called him home. Don graduated to Heaven before you. Our grieving is causing our suffering but we are meant to know sorrows besides the joys in order to know the difference and appreciate the lessons we are here to learn. Those of us left behind, still have lessons to learn and someday we'll be graduating to Heaven too.

I know you are in pain and have many questions as to the whys. We all do. We have to have faith and trust in God because He knows best in His plans for each of us.

Peace and comfort to you (HUGS)

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Lonely spouse

1 hour ago, KMB said:

The God I know is all loving. He knows our suffering here. He knows this life is not easy. Your Don was suffering. His life work was done and God showed mercy in His wisdom and called him home. Don graduated to Heaven before you. Our grieving is causing our suffering but we are meant to know sorrows besides the joys in order to know the difference and appreciate the lessons we are here to learn.

KMB post once again is so penetrating and touches one heart; and her analogy of *graduated to Heaven* quote is spot on.    I think once we realize that God has our best interest at heart, we can accept anything that might come our way.  When a door closes, you don't know what God is saving you from.  After all, life is a gift from God. Our children, family, friends, neighbors, and strangers are all gifts to be savored. Although some days may be full of hardship and sadness, each breath, heartbeat, and thought illustrates the beautiful gift of life. Keep the positive memories alive and thank God for the blessings in your past, present, and future.  God bless and keep you; keep us all, safe.

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Lonely Spouse,As I read your posts My heart hurts with you and for you.Your marriage may have been young but the love was strong.I feel that.I pray you can get through the days,one at a time.And that you can cry and scream and rant and rave at God(He can take it)and get through this.I have lost many people I loved and while I haven't gotten over it,I am able to carry on ,knowing all things work together for the good to those who love God and are the called according to His mercy.Of course I see no good coming from this but I am not God.Trust the Lord.He loves as no Human can,totally selflessly.He is Love.The love for your husband,God gave it to you.And I don't think He took the love your husband and you had,He just ,as KMB said graduated him to Heaven.Your husband must have fulfilled the purpose he was here for.And y'alls love is safe in your heart and waiting in Heaven .I will be praying for you.I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age.I am sure the future is stretching out in front of you with no desire on your part to be in that future.But God has His plans and we have to trust.It's all He asks of us.Well to obey,of course,but we are all flawed.He knows this,He made us,flaws and all just the way He wants us.Jesus knows your pain.He felt the loss of a loved one as a human and He cried.It hurt,even him.May you find comfort.Look for it.He will give it to you as long as you need it and try to forget mean people.They are flawed also and God loves them too.But He will protect His children.and you sound like you are His child.Please be kind to yourself.There is nothing you did or didn't do to cause this.Again,I stress,be kind to yourself.Love in Christ,Ruthanne

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9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

OThanks 4 the advice about the book. But I just don't think anyone can ever answer my questions. I guess I just have to realize that no one but God knows the answers. God knows if he was punishing me or not when he called Don home to him

Lonely Spouse, I can 100% promise you that God did not cause the death of your spouse to punish you.

You may occasionally hear a sermon (usually on an obscure cable channel) or read an article that makes those mistaken assertions. Often such people tend to take literally passages in the Old Testament that the authors of those texts intended to be allegorical or metaphorical, and the audiences understood them that way.

Theologians have grappled for millennia with the question of why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Even though I studied those theories in depth at seminary, none of them made the death of my wife any easier to accept.

I do, however, have an unimpeachable source that says it is ok to feel angry at or forsaken by God.

According to the author of Matthew 27:46: “And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

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Same date I lost my husband at 4:32.  I'm so sorry.  People seems to act like know what's best especially when they haven't been through the same thing. People are trying to control my life half the time I get very angry and rude the other half I sit there confused. I don't have much advice, but it did make me feel better to know I'm not alone on this

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Lonely Spouse,

I don't think of it as God taking them away so much as their bodies gave out.  This isn't a perfect world, that's for sure.  I think God probably cries at your pain.   (((hugs)))

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On 5/3/2017 at 3:12 PM, KMB said:

Lonely spouse, God does not punish. The God I know is all loving. He knows our suffering here. He knows this life is not easy. Your Don was suffering. His life work was done and God showed mercy in His wisdom and called him home. Don graduated to Heaven before you. Our grieving is causing our suffering but we are meant to know sorrows besides the joys in order to know the difference and appreciate the lessons we are here to learn. Those of us left behind, still have lessons to learn and someday we'll be graduating to Heaven too.

I know you are in pain and have many questions as to the whys. We all do. We have to have faith and trust in God because He knows best in His plans for each of us.

Peace and comfort to you (HUGS)

These words have been very comforting to me. Thank you for sharing. 

PS. I was trying to copy and paste them for a personal note to myself and I may have inadvertently flagged your post. Please excuse the error, dear. You're words have been so kind and helpful as I grieve my Lily.

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Lulu, I'm thankful my words brought you comfort. It is one of the reasons for this forum. To bring us closer as a family with the common ground of loss. We are all connected spiritually. I just wish the people in our environment outside of this forum had more empathy and understanding of what we each are coping with. This world would be a more compassionate place of existence.Losing a loved one causes a person to be more humble and thoughtful.  (HUGS)

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Lonely spouse

I have been away from here just thought I could run away from the world. I  just can't handle the loneliness of  losing my hero and best friend my husband. And family and friends tell me to go on with my life. But it is like the best part of my life ended when he passed. I just feel like no one understands why I feel the way I do. Doesn't anyone know what TRUE love really is? How can u enjoy life when u lost ur true love? The person who was ur whole life. I just get so sick of family and friends telling MN e ok it been 2 months get over it stop talking to Don like he is here with u. I swear I want to slap them when they say that. They say they under how I feel but they don't.  I feel guilty if I laugh cause how can I be laughing or smiling  if I am grieving over Don?  I am no good at sharing emotions but I wi) share this I am heartbroken of the lost of my husband. And I am jealous when I have to go somewhere and see a couple holding hands.i think why do they still have their spouse and I don't it's not fair and it makes me want to go hide from everyone. I feel like I have been punished. Why did God have to take my husband.  Why didn't he take the mean people who hurts people?  Why take the good people?  

 

 

 

OThanks 4 the advice about the book. But I just don't think anyone can ever answer my questions. I guess I just have to realize that no one but God knows the answers. God knows if he was punishing me or not when he called Don home to him

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Lonely spouse, The only one who can answer our questions is God. He will explain the plans He had for us, the sorrows we endured, when it is our turn to meet Him. God took Don to be with Him in Heaven. As much as we all want our significant others to be here with us, you wouldn't want your Don here still suffering. I noticed in your posts you mention God punishing you for taking Don. I'm sorry, I understand it is your feelings, but I do not agree we are being punished.  Is there some burden of guilt you feel that is causing you to think that way? If there is, forgive yourself for you did nothing wrong. We are only human and God forgives and will always love us.

I don't know why God takes the good people home. It is just their time. They fulfilled the plan that God had for them. Maybe God leaves the bad people to give them a chance to rectify their bad behavior.

The ones who tell you to get over it are the ones who have never lost a significant other. They have never experienced the pain, the loneliness, the complete devastation of life as one would know it. Ignore them at best. We need our family and friends in our life but maybe explain their choice of words are not really helping but hindering your healing. Encourage them to speak Don's name and talk about him. That will be the most helpful to you. There is nothing wrong with smiling and laughing while coping with your loss. Don would want to see you smile, laugh, continue living life. That is the best way we can honor their life.Please do not dwell about the day he left for Heaven. Remember his life and what he gave of himself, what he taught you. That is his legacy to you.   (HUGS)

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10 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I have been away from here just thought I could run away from the world. I  just can't handle the loneliness of  losing my hero and best friend my husband. And family and friends tell me to go on with my life. But it is like the best part of my life ended when he passed. I just feel like no one understands why I feel the way I do. Doesn't anyone know what TRUE love really is? How can u enjoy life when u lost ur true love? The person who was ur whole life. I just get so sick of family and friends telling MN e ok it been 2 months get over it stop talking to Don like he is here with u. I swear I want to slap them when they say that. They say they under how I feel but they don't.  I feel guilty if I laugh cause how can I be laughing or smiling  if I am grieving over Don?  I am no good at sharing emotions but I wi) share this I am heartbroken of the lost of my husband. And I am jealous when I have to go somewhere and see a couple holding hands.i think why do they still have their spouse and I don't it's not fair and it makes me want to go hide from everyone. I feel like I have been punished. Why did God have to take my husband.  Why didn't he take the mean people who hurts people?  Why take the good people?  

I struggled(and still do) with the notion of laughing or smiling. I even had a conversation with a close friend and said that I hope you don't think I am being inappropriate when I laugh. I was very conscious of how people would react if they saw me smile. I thought I was betraying Lori if I had a moment of happiness. But my friend told me it was ok. It was not bad to feel good every now and again. Lord knows we need all the happy we can get right now.

As many have said about the platitudes you are receiving from friends, 99% of the time they think they are helping when they say these things. Maybe they fearfully see themselves in your shoes someday and would like to think that they would "move on" or they would not "talk to him". Death brings about fear in people. When Don passed, it likely struck fear into their hearts about what they would do without their spouse. They imagine(that's the best word as they can never truly know the pain until they live it) what their life would be like and then throw out the cliches they think would be helpful. 

I sometimes wish there were a machine that you could put people into that would let them feel what it's like to lose a spouse for 24 hours. All of the despair, sorrow, regret, loneliness, fear, anxiety). At the end of the 24 hours they come out of the machine and their life is back to normal. If everyone REALLY knew what we go through it would make this journey a little easier. 

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11 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

 I feel guilty if I laugh cause how can I be laughing or smiling  if I am grieving over Don?

It's important to give yourself permission to smile, that's part of the process of grief we need to reach.  It is not our mourning that binds us to them, it is our love, which continues.

Others don't understand because it's not them and they haven't been through it.  We do get it, we've been there, are there.  I still talk to my husband, and it's been 12 years.  Heaven help the person that tells me not to!

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Lonely spouse

Well it's been 3 months today sense God call my best friend my hero my guardian angel, my husband home. And I am still hurting and lonely. It is not getting easier. I keep trying to be strong but I fall weak. I told my husband  I would try to be strong but I also told him I couldn't promise him I would. I swear he was with me today or he heard me I was upset depre@ed and I just asked please give me a sign that u are with me I was listening to the radio and there was a song  that he would sing to me when I was depressed. It's so weird maybe it's just me with wishful thinking but when I asked please give me a sign u are still with me the song came on it cheered me up cause I could see Don seating next to me singing the song. I just wish I could find out who sings it and save it. It's played on K Love Christian station.i thought the band was mercy me but I am not sure cause Don had just gotten me into Christian music. I know the one lyrics hold ur head up is what Don always told me. 

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9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Well it's been 3 months today sense God call my best friend my hero my guardian angel, my husband home. And I am still hurting and lonely. It is not getting easier. I keep trying to be strong but I fall weak. I told my husband  I would try to be strong but I also told him I couldn't promise him I would. I swear he was with me today or he heard me I was upset depre@ed and I just asked please give me a sign that u are with me I was listening to the radio and there was a song  that he would sing to me when I was depressed. It's so weird maybe it's just me with wishful thinking but when I asked please give me a sign u are still with me the song came on it cheered me up cause I could see Don seating next to me singing the song. I just wish I could find out who sings it and save it. It's played on K Love Christian station.i thought the band was mercy me but I am not sure cause Don had just gotten me into Christian music. I know the one lyrics hold ur head up is what Don always told me. 

 

 

"All Right"
If you had a dime for every time it rained on this parade you're marching in called life You'd
start to wonder if someone out there's got your number well, hold your head up, breath in deep,
remember.

ooh ooh you know it's gonna be alright ooh ooh you know it's gonna be alright.

We're gonna have those days when it all comes crashing in wondering if the sun will ever shine
before you go and convince yourself you cannot make it hold you head up, breath in deep,
remember.

[chorus]
ooh ooh you know it's gonna be alright ooh ooh you know it's gonna be alright there's a love
much stronger than everything that holds you down right now sayin' ooh ooh you know it's gonna
be alright.

So next time when you tell yourself this isn't worth it hold you head up breathe in deep
remember. [back to chorus]

Count it pure joy when the world come crashin' hold your head up and keep on dancin'

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You can always contact the radio station, they're good about emailing you with the link to the song.  Thanks, Eagle!

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Lonely spouse

Good evening everyone I haven't been  on here in a while. Just been so lost lonely and depressed.  Cause of the holidays coming and fathers day passed and Don wasn't here. I have had people tell me I n÷do to stop being so depressed he is in a better place. Yes I understand he isn't hurting any more. I am happy about that but I lost my h USB and best friend hero  ect my strenght.  I don't want to be on depression medicine. But I also want to know why people can't leave me alone and let me be depressed? They can tell me how 2 fill when they loose their loved one. I want to say thanks to everyone here 4 lunderstanding and letting me express how I feel.

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I'm sorry, I am kind of outspoken and I'm afraid I would tell people they can tell me how to feel when they've been through it.  Not saying that's what you should do, just that's how I am.  My sister kept telling me I needed to move to Portland (I'm a country girl, not a city girl) and I kept trying to tell her that.  She harped and harped, I couldn't talk to her without her starting in on me.  Finally I said, "Tell you what, Polly, when your husband dies I'll tell YOU what to do."  She didn't speak to me for a few months but at least it was peaceful and I knew she'd get over it, after all, we are sisters, but she didn't carry on about that any more at least.  Blunt is the only way to get through to her, tact never works with her.

Have you considered having the doctor put you on a low dose antidepressant for a year or two?  It might be worth a talk, depends on how down you're feeling, only you can answer that.  Melatonin works for some, never did the trick for me.  Some people use aroma therapy too, lavender, I don't care for the scent but if you like it, it might elevate your mood a bit.  It still doesn't change anything, but then nothing does, there's only one way through grief and that's straight through it, tears, pain, and all.  It helps to know that we do eventually adjust and hone our coping skills.

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Lonely spouse, This is such a cruel, lonely journey to be on. We don't have any choice but to keep on the best way we can for ourselves. It is hard enough to cope with our emotions, but to have people say their platitudes and tell us how to grieve, makes us feel worse. I've walked away from people or found my back bone in saying my opinions back. Largely depends on how well I know the other person.  What would help the most, is if people just gave us a hug, or a just a simple squeeze of the hand.

While depression can be a part of grieving, it is not healthy to stay in that state long term. Family and friends get concerned if you stay depressive for too long. It does show they love and care for you. KayC gave you some good advice in maybe seeing your doctor to see what he can prescribe. For myself, I didn't want chemical meds and I went the herbal route for awhile .I was dealing with constant anxiety attacks and spells of depression. I have evolved past the worst of it. Now, I only have the occasional bout of anxiety and a short depressive spell or so. It does require a lot of effort in working your way through grieving. We don't want to do it, but we do.

Please keep checking in and keeping us updated or if you need to vent, cry or whatever. We all care about each other here.  (HUGS)

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Lonely spouse

Wow it's funny u said Melatonin cause Don use to take it to help him sleep. I just hate 2 go to a Dr cause Don always went with me. I was never good at talking to people so he always did it 4 me. I am just scared if I tell a Dr I am grieving over Don they will judge me. I already feel like people are judging me 4 the way I feel I can't help it I cry everytime someone stars talking about Don. I feel guilty when I laugh when I have our dogs out and I am watching them playing. I feel like how can I be laughing when Don isn't hear 2 be laughing with me. I guess  I just don't know how I am suppose to be feeling.  I am just scared of getting hooked on depression medicine. Family keeps telling me I need to move on but how I can't move on without Don.

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As I wrote in another thread today, I'm about ready to try anything/everything to help me, but I'm waiting three months until Medicare, my ins. is lousy, besides it'll give me time to change my mind or circumstances, and see if I still feel the same way.  Not something to go into lightly.

We don't "move on", we learn to do this life that we have now, and it takes much time and work to build a life we can live.  No quick or easy fixes!

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Lonely spouse

Well I just want to say Happy belated 4th of July to everyone. I just knew it was going to be one of those depressing days.1st one without Don. But actually he was still with me watching over and taking care of me just like he always did. Still being my hero even in heaven. You see I have had someone steal the 18 sticker off the car license so now every night when I park the car I take the license plate in the house. Well I 4 got 2 put the license back on the car and I drove most off the day without them. I know I went pass a few police officers but Thank God they never noticed. I know that was Don asking God to blind them till I made it home. That's was Don taking care of me and God giving me blessings. And showing me I am not alone like I thought I still have my 2 hero's God and Don with me . I knew Don had told me a few story's about how God had done stuff 4 me and now God is doing things for me by letting Don always be with me when I need him. I know people think I am nuts but I don't care cause God is the only person I have to please. Thank u Don 4 teaching me that.

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15 minutes ago, Lonely spouse said:

That's was Don taking care of me and God giving me blessings. And showing me I am not alone like I thought I still have my 2 hero's God and Don with me . I knew Don had told me a few story's about how God had done stuff 4 me and now God is doing things for me by letting Don always be with me when I need him. I know people think I am nuts but I don't care cause God is the only person I have to please. Thank u Don 4 teaching me that.

Rest assured, nobody on here thinks you're nuts. If anyone else says that then it's that they haven't experienced this. We all do things that may seem pretty crazy to outsiders but seem perfectly normal to us that walk this road. I talk to Lori every day and I feel a-ok with it. I still keep her side of the closet and bathroom untouched and find myself thinking that she made need her brush or a particular shirt. If I told my co-workers that, they would probably think I was out of my mind. But it doesn't seem too far out of the ordinary to me. I joke that she is still taking care of me now in that every close friend that I have are ones she introduced me to.

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Lonely spouse and Eagle, I've had a few similar experiences that have shown me that my husband and God are looking out for me and I also talk to my husband and find comfort in that his belongings are the way he left them. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm losing my mind. They are not in my shoes and until they ever are, they will not understand how completely devastating loss of their significant other is. I wouldn't wish this kind of loss on anyone but I do wish people were more empathetic and understanding.

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48 minutes ago, KMB said:

Lonely spouse and Eagle, I've had a few similar experiences that have shown me that my husband and God are looking out for me and I also talk to my husband and find comfort in that his belongings are the way he left them. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm losing my mind. They are not in my shoes and until they ever are, they will not understand how completely devastating loss of their significant other is. I wouldn't wish this kind of loss on anyone but I do wish people were more empathetic and understanding.

That's where I am so conflicted. I want people to be more empathetic and understanding but I know the only path to that true knowledge is to experience the loss. Like you, I wouldn't wish that knowledge on anyone anywhere. Sadly, sympathy is a poor substitute for empathy. The line to cross from sympathy to empathy is razor thin but the knowledge gap is a wide as the grand canyon.

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39 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

the knowledge gap is a wide as the grand canyon.

Unfortunately, that is so true. What we need and expect from others is usually the opposite. We are learning from our suffering.

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