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Advice please anyone?


Zara19

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I don't know what to do.  I have been invited to a remembrance event by the Hospice that were to look after my Husband.  He passed away though and saw them only on his final day at home.  When I'd seen them in a normal hospital environment I always felt emotionally disturbed by their prescence and it was a traumatic experience when they attended on the night he passed away suddenly.  There will be an opportunity to light a candle and have his name read out.  I don't know if I'm up to this but worry if I were not to go I would be guilty of denying him his right to be acknowledged.  I'm in such a dilemma, can anyone add their thoughts please.  Thankyou.

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Zara, I wouldn't know what to do either. Our local hospice had a similar event at Christmas. I was not up to going, but at the next support group meeting (held in the hospice offices), that was held in January, I did purchase the special remembrance ornament which had my husband's name on it.

I don't feel you be denying your husband's right of acknowledgement. You might feel more comfortable doing that at home for him by lighting candles in his honor.

Peace and prayers

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Zara19, as KMB said, I'm not sure what I'd do either. I would say that nothing anyone else can say or do will mitigate or undermine your life with him, that alone is an acknowledgment of who he was, what he means to you, what you two were to each other. It's a lovely gesture, but ultimately it's meaningfulness will only truly be appreciated by those who truly knew him and loved him, you above all others. I think it's how I feel about my wife's grave. I have felt no compulsion to constantly go there, to "talk" to her there or stand over it. On occasion, yes, I will go, but no monument, no gesture, no words will ever come close to what I already know. My love and devotion, our life and our marriage, the vows honored, THIS is the only acknowledgement I require. Anything else is a gesture, it neither adds or subtracts from what I know as the truth. The love you and your husband have is beyond ANYONE else's ability to grasp or understand, and it's certainly not up to anyone else to acknowledge him. It is a beautiful gesture though, meant to convey that his loss affects many and his life touched many. 

My point, after my babbling, is simply this, going is fine, it's great if you feel up to it, however, you choosing not to go in no way diminishes or is it anyway "wrong" for you to skip the event. I know they would 100% understand, and I'm sure, without doubt, he was a man who impacted many people in a positive way. Leaving the world a little better than you found it, touching lives and bringing love and happiness to you and his family, that's the ultimate in acknowledgment anyway. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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Hello Andy - Thank you for your kind words and comments.  I expect there will be many other people there as it's a quarterly event for all the patients the Hospice cared for that have passed away. I'm sure my Husband would simply have been just as pleased if I watched his favourite DVD for him at home but I can't help feeling disrespectful by not being there.  Thanks again for your wise advice.

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45 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

Hello Andy - Thank you for your kind words and comments.  I expect there will be many other people there as it's a quarterly event for all the patients the Hospice cared for that have passed away. I'm sure my Husband would simply have been just as pleased if I watched his favourite DVD for him at home but I can't help feeling disrespectful by not being there.  Thanks again for your wise advice.

Zara, listen to your heart. Do what will make you feel good. That is what I'm trying hard to do these days. There are some things I have all intentions of going to but when the time comes, I often just don't want to go, so I don't and that's perfecly ok. It's all about taking good care of ourselves as we go through the most traumatic time of our life. Whatever you decide to do will be ok. 

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Thanks HH Faith for your comments.  They are appreciated.  I wish you well in your endeavours, this is so, so very hard isn't it.

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3 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

Thanks HH Faith for your comments.  They are appreciated.  I wish you well in your endeavours, this is so, so very hard isn't it.

Hardest thing ever. I can't imagine anything worse to ever have to go through. I often say to people that I never could have imagined that it was humanly possible to feel all that I am feeling. There are no words. Just trying to get through it as best I can, one day, sometimes one minute at a time. 

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HHFaith, I think that same thing constantly, how is it possible for a person to endure such pain? Being built for this much sorrow is an indication as to what living has taught us, we will face hardship after hardship, sometimes without respite.  

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2 hours ago, Zara19 said:

Hello Andy - Thank you for your kind words and comments.  I expect there will be many other people there as it's a quarterly event for all the patients the Hospice cared for that have passed away. I'm sure my Husband would simply have been just as pleased if I watched his favourite DVD for him at home but I can't help feeling disrespectful by not being there.  Thanks again for your wise advice.

I understand feeling that way, I probably would also. Whatever your decision, it won't be "wrong". It's your journey. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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10 hours ago, Zara19 said:

Hello Andy - Thank you for your kind words and comments.  I expect there will be many other people there as it's a quarterly event for all the patients the Hospice cared for that have passed away. I'm sure my Husband would simply have been just as pleased if I watched his favourite DVD for him at home but I can't help feeling disrespectful by not being there.  Thanks again for your wise advice.

You will not be disrespectful at all by doing something at home. While participation may be therapeutic for some, many of such organizations use these events as fundraisers. Not that they do not do good works and need funds, you should feel no pressure to participate. 

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Zara,

Was this for yesterday or is it upcoming?  Go with your heart, whatever you feel comfortable with.

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Zara

Not trying to sound redundant, but what does your intuition tell you?  As a women, your intuition is one of your greatest gift. Trust  your first gut instinct.  If you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that it is the right thing to do, then it usually is.  Don't ignore or overlook it. Just embrace it.

 

 
 
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Thanks KayC and Francine.

It's on the 27th.  I agree with you Francine, instinct is not to be ignored as it's a correct indicator.  It's causing me more distress than the funeral service.  Maybe it's because with the funeral I had no choice.  It's the indecision that's killing me.  My instinct tells me I should go - my heart tells me I'm too frightened.  It almost feels like I should be going along to the event with him.  I have till 19th to decide.  Thanks for the input.

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Zara19

As you indicated, instinct is always a good indicator and I've always trusted it, I always felt the brain can play tricks; the heart can blind; but your gut (for me) is usually right. Whatever your decision, know we're here for you.  God Bless!

 
 
 
 
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AceBasin

Thanks for your comments, I meant to click on Submit to respond as soon as I read your reply but the message may have failed.  Regards.

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Sometimes there's not a right or wrong about something, only our way.  I pray you make the best decision for YOU.

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 The hospital where my husband died is having an event where they put all the organ donor names from the previous year on a wall. They called when I didn't respond to the invitation and I gave permission to put his name up but I will not be attending.  I thought about it and FELT like I should go but decided it's not what I want to do. I think it will upset me too much and nobody there has any idea who he is because he died 4 hrs away from home. I don't believe you would be denying him acknowledgement at all. Everyone who knew and loved him has done so already. That's just my personal opinion. You absolutely will do what you feel is right and that makes it the right decision. 

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JustMe840, that's well said, within the context of our grief, if what we how we feel leads us to a certain place, then it is correct. This is a lonely, but personal journey. Only we know what's right for us. 

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Thankyou JustMe and Andy.  You make a good point JustMe.  Time is running out for me to make a decision so I hope when I come to a conclusion I don't regret the decision I didn't choose.  Thanks again.

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Zara19, You will be ok with whatever you decide. Just try sitting still, emptying your mind of all other thoughts and focus on your decision. The first thought will be the one to go with.

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Sometimes it's a matter of timing too.  The hospital had a service a year after he died and I just couldn't go.  To do so now I think I could but now I don't drive at night so wouldn't be able to attend, but a year out was too soon for me to handle it.  Others might glean comfort from it though.

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Thanks KMB - The worst has already happened, you wouldn't think this decision would need to cause so much distress would you.

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KayC

You are very right about timing KayC.  It's just 6 months and I have just read 6 months in a significant mark of time in the grieving process and I didn't realise that was why I felt so bad, or worse.  Thanks for comments.  

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Zara19, I'm sorry this decision is distressing. I had the 6 month mark 2 months ago. I was a complete wreck. Thought I was going to crawl out my skin and crying buckets. It is when totally reality kicks in. I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere, keep appointments, make decisions.

I'm trying to get myself in an easier place, frame of mind, if you will. I'm a work in progress. We all are. You will evolve through this too. (HUGS)

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You are quite right KMB, the realisation that this parallel universe is now our home rather than the familiar world we used to live in is crippling.  

Someone told me about a website www.merrywidow.me.uk written by a young widow whose husband died from CHF and she has written a "guide" on the site. One of the chapters on the website is "The Six Month Low" and it's certainly accurate.  

Like yourself I don't want to go out or do anything, I feel like a stranger in my existence and to myself.  I don't think others understand who fundamentally this changes us - in my case not for the better.

Take care.

 

 

 

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We are virtually starting over with finding out who we are and a different life. It can be lonely and scary. It is certainly not anything like growing up and leaving home. Back then you felt young, invincible, ready for adventure and taking on and making your mark in the world. This is,so, so different, alien and hard. Going through the rest of life with our soulmates was the plan. Life pulled that plan right out from under us.

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You are right, six months can be around the hardest time (excepting the initial shock and realization I think).  It's good to listen to our inner self and what we feel we should do.

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Hello - Thank you to everyone that gave me advice about this.  I went and managed to not become tearful during the service but couldn't help it when one of the lovely hospice staff came to speak to us all individually.  It always happens doesn't it when someone is nice to us.  It was sad also that the service would have been something my Husband would have loved and I kept thinking we should have been there watching it together.  Hope everyone is bearing up.

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Zara19, You made it through the service. A little boost for your self esteem and a step in the right direction .Your husband was with you in spirit and proud of you! It was commendable of the staff to speak with everyone individually.  It is heart tugging when someone goes out of their way to be nice, to listen and validate our loss. To be able to show that we and our loss matters.  Take care of yourself---(HUGS)

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