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Relationship rift due to grieving the loss of my mother


SomewhereLost

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SomewhereLost

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, and about 4 month ago my mother sudden passed away in her sleep at age 56. Her and I were very close, speaking a couple times a day and sharing ideas often. She was my best friend and had just visited for the weekend 2 days before passing. I was in shock and heartbroken. She was just here, present and happy, I couldn't believe she was gone. The first trying weeks my boyfriend was very attentive and patient, being there for me as much as possible. After the first few weeks, I went into survival mode and just had this "can do" attitude and wanted people to perceive me as this person who had everything figured out and was going to impress people with my coping abilities. I started attending counseling in January and my boyfriend and I decided that we would be move in together when our leases were up in June. We were handling things the best we could with a few ups and down. However, in recent weeks I believe my shock/denial has worn off. I started having this fear that I was going to lose my boyfriend and began to act in ways, I couldn't even understand. I was very needy, clingy and was picking fights about things that didn't matter. I wasn't respecting his space, calling multiple times of day for no reason. I even showed up at his place unexpected a couple times. He started getting fearful that this was a side of me that was coming out and wasn't related to my grief. I have always been my own person, very independent and self driven, as is he. It's one of the many things we fell in love with each other about. I just kept thinking that I was going to lose him, and I couldn't control that fear. It was overwhelming and I lost control of my actions.

He expressed his concern that I wasn't respecting his space, that the past few months have been really hard, and that he was afraid to move in if I was going to be this suffocating. After taking a bit of time to think for ourselves, we met for dinner and talked. During our conversation he said that he loved me very much, but saw a future but he had concerns. He wasn't sure if we should take time apart and see if he come back to each other or fight for it. I expressed my feelings that I wanted to fight for it, and that love was going to have dark days. I expressed that I truly don't believe this is who I am and it's more of learning to cope. After a few hours, we decide to push forward and work on it. I felt a bit of relief, he assured he loved me very much and that he promised to try, but that I needed to understand I couldn't call him non-stop throughout the day and that he didn't want to have to pick between me and his friends, I told him I would try to work on that as well. The next day he dropped of the deposit for the apartment and spoke in the afternoon for a bit when I called him. But our communication is still minimal and I'm fearful that I pressured him into this. I am wondering if other's have dealt with this distance in a relationship while grieving. How do you move forward? Does he still love me? How can I better understand his processing during this time?

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I'm sorry to hear you lost your mom.  4 months in is still very fresh.  I wouldn't expect anyone to be coping much by that point.  It can be hard being around "normal" people and feeling like you have to control your grief, but you really have nothing to prove to anyone.  Grieve however you need to, for yourself, since you're the one who has to go through it.  And really, even if that means leaning on your boyfriend more, and anyone who loves you should be understanding of that.  I'm going to assume here that you were literally calling constantly and not just a few times a day.  I can't relate to him being annoyed by you showing up unexpectedly, since you're planning on living together.  

Moving in together is a big commitment.  His distance causes me to wonder if very normal nerves about taking that next step are as much at play here, if not more.  B/c if you're living together, you're going to spend a lot more time together than you have been.  It won't just be you calling too much, or showing up unexpectedly - you'll actually be there.  And there can be some anxiety going into that, if he's never had a live in girlfriend before.  That's just my two cents.  His own nerves redirecting it on to you b/c suddenly you need him more. 

I think it's normal for a bachelor living on his own to feel smothered leading into a change that does compromise his privacy and Independence.  Same goes for women.  I've been with my fiance 10 years, lived together about 5.  I waited to move in with him until after my elderly dog had passed b/c it would have been too stressful for her to move at that age.  When I had to put her down, suddenly he wanted to stay put and was questioning moving to a new house with me, even though we had planned to for about a year.  I got upset, thought it was me.  But a month later we still went through with it and never had an issue.  Basically saying here, you're both going through some emotions. 

I guess my concern would be, can he be there for you?  Losing your mom is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through.  I lost my mom almost 2 months ago and it's been horrible.  I've been emotionally distant from everyone since she passed, but I damn well expect my fiance to be there when I need him.  He isn't always.  You may be finding the people in your life who haven't gone through this can't relate enough to understand how much time it takes.  A lot of it you'll likely have to go through on your own, but a significant other is companionship, first and foremost.  They may not always come through with flying colors, a lot of the time he just may not get it.  And he may even be unintentionally insensitive at times, just b/c emotionally you two are in very different places now.  But he should be there for you when you need him to, as long as you let him know directly. 

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thelostchild

I understand myself better after I lost my father. I am now more focused on my life priorities and have stopped seeing my bf since then. I am glad the relationship ended.

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