Stay in my comfort zone

[cp9042]

Since losing my husband, I haven't been able to do much but go to work and come home.  I only have gone out once since then, with a friend, but I only have the one friend.  Today I was going to try to go to a grief support group, but I am unable to go.  This is third time i started to go, but then cancelled.  I really have a hard time doing anything at all, even going to the store.

My husband used to always go with me, we were best buddies. And he would be the "man" to help me with the groceries.  We lived in an apartment on the second floor, so it was hard to get things upstairs.  Now I only buy enough for one bag, so that I don't have to lug the groceries up the stairs.  I have used Peapod once, but they are kind of expensive.

I will probably cancel the trip to see my sister, as well. My niece was supposed to come with me, but she lives in California, and just started a new job, and cannot get away.  I have been absolutely TERRIFIED of driving alone, so I think I will cancel and try to go at a later date.  i hope this feeling passes some day.

[KMB]

cp9042--- I am so sorry you are having such distress. It is completely normal, I assure you. Try the support group when you are feeling more up to it. My husband passed in August and I went to my first group meeting in October. I still didn't think I was ready. Kept debating about it till I just got in my vehicle and went. I was very nervous when I walked into the building and then the room. I knew that I had the option to leave if I couldn't handle it. It turned out to be ok. Everyone I met was empathetic and kind, and I drove home with a feeling of more calmness and actually, a little pride in myself that I had managed it.

I know how devastating it is to be suddenly alone and learning how to fend for ourselves. It is scary and overwhelming. I am sorry you are contemplating cancelling the trip to visit your sister. But it is understandable if you are to drive alone. I would be terrified also. My husband did the driving with our long trips. And if I drove, he would take my role as the navigator.

Take your time, have patience with yourself. This is a tough journey that is best done in your way and one step at a time.

[Autocharge]

cp9042

I can see your loss was just this past February, sorry. Maybe You should listen to KMB.  I'm just posting to let you know their are different opinions on this Forum, I for one.

But I will not state it unless you ask, be advised it dose come with my personal experience which I feel are pushing the boundaries on this Forum.

Autocharge

[KayC]

CP,

They make carts you can take to the store (not as big or heavy as the store's), they are collapsible and portable, I got one for my mom after she quit driving.  You could easily pull it up the stairs and it'd haul more groceries, just a thought.

Also, about the trip, it might be just the thing for you, although I understand your fear of going alone since you're not used to it.  There comes a day we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, but your loss is so fresh you might not be ready for that yet.  Have you considered traveling a different way, maybe by train?  My friend goes by train and says it's comfortable, they have good food, and you can be alone or with people at your desire.  it might be more relaxing than driving, following directions, etc.

[cp9042]

I decided to go ahead and cancel the trip to my sister's.  I am just not ready.  As far as taking the train, it is not close to me, so I would not have that option, but does sound like an idea.  I am just not ready to do anything right now.

[HHFaith]

Cp,. Take the trip only when you feel ready. I just took a trip to see my daughter in LA. I went when I was ready. It was actually good to have something to look forward to. But my advice to you would be keep your expectations low or at least realistic. It was hard. Last time I was in a plane was with Pat and here I was flying alone. Last vacation was with Pat in October. Last rental car was with Pat. Etc, etc. The trip overall was good but lots of triggers and lots of crying. And it was tough coming home to reality. But in the end I am glad I went. I hope you will eventually plan something and let yourself have something to look forward to. 

[KMB]

cp9042--- It's OK. You'll know when you are ready for long trips or other things outside of your comfort zone. It takes confidence and courage to do those things, Right now, our self esteem is low. Our loss and grieving affects every part of us. Someday, you'll take that trip.

[Andy]

On 3/31/2017 at 8:33 AM, cp9042 said:

I decided to go ahead and cancel the trip to my sister's.  I am just not ready.  As far as taking the train, it is not close to me, so I would not have that option, but does sound like an idea.  I am just not ready to do anything right now.

I completely understand. I'm 3 months out, and I still end up being very careful about who I do things with. And by "things", I mean eat out or have a friend over. I'm not comfortable with many people, my daughter, parents and our dearest friend and his wife. That's about it. I'm wary of people who treat the situation as "old news" or flippantly, with little regard to how I'm feeling. It's not their job to worry about me, so I do it for myself. Finding pleasure or joy is nearly impossible, small moments at most. You do what you feel comfortable doing, when you're ready. Only you will know when that is. Your true friends and family will wait as long as necessary.  We have been deeply injured, we will never be exactly the same again, so our willingness to "jump back in" has been severely compromised. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

[KayC]

Could your sister possibly come see you instead?

[cp9042]

KayC:

Unfortunately, my sister is unable to drive.  I suggested maybe she and her daughter come to see me, but we will see.  I may try again sometime, but I will not do anything that I don't feel comfortable with.  

[KayC]

You are wise to listen you your inner voice, it's so important to put our own self care first and foremost, all the more so when grieving.

[Francine]

cp9024

So sorry for you.  I was the same as you.  My husband and I were inseparable and we loved it that way.  My husband and I both retired and was looking forward to our 'golden years' together and when he passed, I was alone.  Had I still worked, I think my mind would have not been so idled, that's not to say, I'm going back to a part-time job; I'm not, I don't want to.  We lived on the second floor as well but he had devised a plan on getting the groceries in the house and it really worked.   After his passing, my daughter suggested I go to a grief counselor; in the beginning I was reluctant but finally agreed.  Disaster!  My daughter felt really bad and suggested I try another before giving up on grief counselors completely.  I agreed, but this time - Success.  I still see him on a weekly basis.  I've also joined a grief counseling group that meets monthly. 

I've ventured out 'solo' to some of the places my Charles and I frequently went together.  Some places were really hard in the beginning, but I've noticed that each time I went, it became more manageable.  I knew that in order for me to try to get pass this horrible grief, I had to start taking measures to rid myself of this pain.  I started slowly, tip toe steps; eventually those tip toe steps became baby steps; those baby steps will become larger steps; those larger steps will become a giant step.  That giant step is my walk of faith that I know I will take because I trust God with my life - HE is my life; after all, HE gave it to me.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.