Members Bobbers Posted March 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2017 I have always considered myself a sensitive and empathetic person. I've always had trouble making a lot of friends and meeting new people because of my anxiety but I really cared about people and would be hurt over things happening to people. I'm not saying I have some super power, but I'm saying this to explain why I'm concerned. I'm trying to stay connected because I know how easy it can be to isolate and very hard to get out of that. I'm having a hard time being empathetic and sympathetic and even understand at all why people are doing the things they do, my concern the most is with my son. We are able to laugh and have fun and we help each other, so that is good. I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself, it more anger, I've kicked my mom out of my house many times, went a day at the most without answering my phone but I will send a short text so people don't freak out. I realize both of us need to go to counseling and maybe some one that specializes in grief. I would love to go to meetings but I have no idea if there are even any in the small town I live in is Alamogordo nm. I'm also thinking since im actively trying to avoid thoughts about my husband and I don't know how I'm feeling my self. I just worry I'm going to become a sociopath or psychopath. I'm also starting to have dreams every night where I search for him all night and wake up and realize he's gone, these happen throughout the day also like something as small as a chair will set me off. I thought about throwing this extra chair we have and out I thought we'll me husband is going to fix it and it's way more comfortable so I moved it back and it took me 5 minutes and I remembered he is never coming home. It is very disturbing feelings, one I can't even explain as I've never felt pain like this before. I don't see how I'll ever be able to live a normal life and I just want to be able to remember him in a positive way instead of memories of watching him die and all our memories being painful. I am 36 so I assume I will meet some one, but I just think well they won't do all these things my husband did, they won't be my husband, so I'm not interested. Obviously I'm not looking for anyone but thought that cross my mind. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 28, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 28, 2017 Grief doesn't turn someone into a sociopath or a psychopath, not sure you understand what they are by your usage. You are in some of the most difficult time right now. Your feelings are all understandable. Try not to worry about what will or won't happen in the future, try to just get through today and then tomorrow do it all over again, it takes time to process all this, it really does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted March 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 29, 2017 Bobbers, You ARE a sensitive and empathetic person. If you were not, you would not be on this forum pouring your heart out. Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal. You have been dealt a traumatic blow that affects our bodies, minds, hearts and souls. It is going to take a long time to absorb and process your loss. Take your time, take care of yourself, have patience. This grief journey is life long. At some point down a very long road, you will be able to coexist with your loss. The dreams you are having in searching for your husband, are also normal. I had those dreams in the beginning month or two. I would dream of catching sight of my husband and when I would try to catch up, he would disappear. I still have the occasional dream that I am taking care of him and fixing him. i guess our subconscious mind has a hand in these kinds of dreams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted March 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2017 On 3/28/2017 at 4:02 PM, Bobbers said: don't see how I'll ever be able to live a normal life and I just want to be able to remember him in a positive way instead of memories of watching him die and all our memories being painful. I am 36 so I assume I will meet some one, but I just think well they won't do all these things my husband did, they won't be my husband, so I'm not interested. Obviously I'm not looking for anyone but thought that cross my mind. Your mind is racing and your loss is still quite fresh; not even a month. I don't know your definition of a 'normal' life; for me, the new 'normal' is 'abnormal'. Some memories are very painful, but there's got to be some that are beautiful and your cherish. While some people say that bad memories cause the most pain, actually, I think it's the good ones that can drive you insane. You will carry your husband in your heart, no matter what. You are young and someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you want. No matter what, take it slow, there's no need to rush; if something is meant to be, it will happen, In the right time, with the right person, for the best reason. If that happens, try not to compare your new suitor with your husband, it wouldn't be fair to him or you. God bless and keep you safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bobbers Posted March 30, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2017 2 hours ago, Francine said: Your mind is racing and your loss is still quite fresh; not even a month. I don't know your definition of a 'normal' life; for me, the new 'normal' is 'abnormal'. Some memories are very painful, but there's got to be some that are beautiful and your cherish. While some people say that bad memories cause the most pain, actually, I think it's the good ones that can drive you insane. You will carry your husband in your heart, no matter what. You are young and someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you want. No matter what, take it slow, there's no need to rush; if something is meant to be, it will happen, In the right time, with the right person, for the best reason. If that happens, try not to compare your new suitor with your husband, it wouldn't be fair to him or you. God bless and keep you safe. Yes every good memory including just a memory weren't good or bad. He is involved in basically every memory I have. The thought has passed if I ever meet someone that all the things my husband did this other person, so what's the point. Thank you for the response Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted March 31, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 31, 2017 Bobbers, I'm sorry for the loss and the struggle. This grief can and often times will put us in dark places, places where the light has a hard time reaching, and then we feel hope slipping away. I've been there, I have no doubt I'll find myself there again, but I can't let it completely take over. I'm 45, my wife passed away 3 months ago. I've shared some of your feelings, your thoughts, and I've come to realize that pretty much all this chaos we feel and experience is "normal". A terrible kind of normal, but normal within that context. We won't become psychopaths or anything like that, although it feels as if we're losing our minds. We will experience things other people simply can't understand, and that makes it so difficult to find empathy. I, like you, have had difficult moments connecting with my child, in this case a daughter. It's a fundamental truth that EVERYTHING in our lives changed, including our closest relationships. It's another casualty created by this loss, that even our strongest bonds are tested. I understand, a least a little, of what you're feeling, and I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you, just as I wish I could help myself. What I can say is this, time doesn't heal all wounds, we will never "get over" this, and we will never be the same. Harsh, but true I believe. However, may I offer a glimmer of hope? Maybe? I have accepted that I'm still here, for some reason. I still have a life to live. I believe with all of my heart that my wife and the life we built would be in vain if I decided to lay down and stop. I know people have told you "you have to keep going for him, you know he'd want you to be happy". Sounds hollow coming from people just reciting a cliche, yes? Well, perhaps, but I'm in this valley along with you, and so I'll say it. He obviously believed that you were/are worth sharing a life with, you have a vitality, a beauty, a spirit that is irresistible. Yes, you've been changed by his passing, but those qualities are still there, altered, but there. Don't worry about those you may or may not meet later in life, focus on now, your health, your relationships with those who matter most. Nurture and tend to your needs, only you know what you need, and even that's hard to figure out at times. Right now, nothing seems worthwhile. Nothing matters, believe me, I understand all too well. Three months and I'm having moments of "hope". I'm almost having minutes of anticipation. A minute here, a second there, doesn't sound like much, but it's better than the utter desolation I've been feeling. Please, hold on and believe, you can make it, you can breathe and cry and laugh and it'll be ok. Not our old "ok", but ok. Don't lose all hope, please. I'm thinking, praying and cheering for you, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bobbers Posted April 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 On 3/30/2017 at 8:15 PM, Andy said: Bobbers, I'm sorry for the loss and the struggle. This grief can and often times will put us in dark places, places where the light has a hard time reaching, and then we feel hope slipping away. I've been there, I have no doubt I'll find myself there again, but I can't let it completely take over. I'm 45, my wife passed away 3 months ago. I've shared some of your feelings, your thoughts, and I've come to realize that pretty much all this chaos we feel and experience is "normal". A terrible kind of normal, but normal within that context. We won't become psychopaths or anything like that, although it feels as if we're losing our minds. We will experience things other people simply can't understand, and that makes it so difficult to find empathy. I, like you, have had difficult moments connecting with my child, in this case a daughter. It's a fundamental truth that EVERYTHING in our lives changed, including our closest relationships. It's another casualty created by this loss, that even our strongest bonds are tested. I understand, a least a little, of what you're feeling, and I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you, just as I wish I could help myself. What I can say is this, time doesn't heal all wounds, we will never "get over" this, and we will never be the same. Harsh, but true I believe. However, may I offer a glimmer of hope? Maybe? I have accepted that I'm still here, for some reason. I still have a life to live. I believe with all of my heart that my wife and the life we built would be in vain if I decided to lay down and stop. I know people have told you "you have to keep going for him, you know he'd want you to be happy". Sounds hollow coming from people just reciting a cliche, yes? Well, perhaps, but I'm in this valley along with you, and so I'll say it. He obviously believed that you were/are worth sharing a life with, you have a vitality, a beauty, a spirit that is irresistible. Yes, you've been changed by his passing, but those qualities are still there, altered, but there. Don't worry about those you may or may not meet later in life, focus on now, your health, your relationships with those who matter most. Nurture and tend to your needs, only you know what you need, and even that's hard to figure out at times. Right now, nothing seems worthwhile. Nothing matters, believe me, I understand all too well. Three months and I'm having moments of "hope". I'm almost having minutes of anticipation. A minute here, a second there, doesn't sound like much, but it's better than the utter desolation I've been feeling. Please, hold on and believe, you can make it, you can breathe and cry and laugh and it'll be ok. Not our old "ok", but ok. Don't lose all hope, please. I'm thinking, praying and cheering for you, Andy Well you made me cry. Thank you ❤️That meant a lot to mrme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 Bobbers, you are most welcome. I know this isn't easy. I wish I could give you a hug, God knows I need one too. It sounds insane, but we ARE going to be ok. If it's any consolation, I cried sending you the message. Of course I cry, a lot, these days. Love and hugs, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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